Epistle 47: Homecoming to an Old Friend
A/N: Hey there everyone! :D :D Here is the next update! :D :D
Happy Reading! :D :D
17th June, 2004:
You won't just believe what happened right now! Oh my God, it's the best thing that's happened to me in this miserable one month! I'm still shivering and I cannot believe that after all these years, it's even possible to happen! Oh shit, this is real; damn it, it's true! I was right... I knew it in my guts that I was right all along... I was right, yes!
Love's alive!
Oh damn it, yes, she's alive!
Okay, I'll tell you everything I saw.
Like the trend always, my dream begins at a mundane note, something here and there that I can't recollect about right now. And then out of nowhere comes an intercept where I find myself enveloped into a mysterious veil of smoky mist that's only too familiar. I shut my eyes as the smoke overwhelmed me, only to open them a moment later to realize that I was now standing in a desert.
The air around me was hot like the angriest day of summer, no sign of any civilization far, far away, except for a few clumsy green plants long scorched by the enraged sun, leaving only its weakened form behind. The sand felt hot underneath my feet and I was sure that it were blistering. The land ahead of me seemed cracked by the unbearable heat of the day, the sand slowly sinking away into the gaps like the time trickling away on an hourglass.
Like always, my hands and feet were bound, but this time, they didn't hurt at all. It was as though it were customary. But maybe it was because I felt blank. It was as though the aura around me spoke for it all. But somehow, pain was compensated with this time by the extreme weight upon my shoulders, as though somebody had given me the load of all the responsibilities and pressure of the whole of mankind to carry upon them. Thankfully, I was clothed, albeit heavily clothed this time.
And finally, what my eyes yearned to see for, happened. A mystical figure descended below gradually, her robes now yellow, and it did not even take me two seconds to know who it was. The usually layer of mist between us prevailed as she finally stood at level with me. I noticed that she'd grown even more beautiful with the passage of years, her usually black, wavy hair longer than usual, while I could see a smile on her face. That was the only thing I had access to see from her entire face.
I did not tug at the chains for I knew what the outcome would be. Somehow, it was as though I'd learnt how to use the chains to my benefit, at long last, rather than to my harm. But there had to be a catch and within moments of Love's arrival, I knew what it was. I felt my body keep hitting against some kind of invisible barricade that kept me away from her reach. I did not like the barrier; it gave me a vibe of being kept away from Love for something I didn't like doing in the first place.
Love smiled at me enigmatically, now speaking in her customary nightingale-like voice.
"Welcome back to my world of absurdities."
"I thought you were dead," I remarked her stupidly as she crossed the distance between us and caressed my cheek in her familiar stroke.
Apparently, she could break the barrier to me, but I couldn't to her. This was something I didn't like. However, I involuntarily felt my eyes shut at the welcome touch, the feeling of familiarity overtaking my senses. It was not just familiar from the previous times when Love did it, but also from someone else... someone who I could not place in that moment.
"I told you how you could save me... You heeded my advice, and we both lived," she whispered into my ears in response. I smiled in spite of myself, the bound suddenly growing considerably looser at the tug of happiness in my heart.
"You didn't return after that night... I just thought..." I mentioned awkwardly while she now ruffled my hair in playful glee. This felt familiar again, but I didn't want to think anymore... I just wanted to feel happy. And only Love could do it.
"I had no need to... you'd found what you were looking for," she replied gently in return, another enigmatic smile crossing across her lips.
"You could have atleast let me know..." I began, suddenly feeling hurt.
The bonds at once grew tighter, but somehow I was much too preoccupied to worry about them. Love only sighed deeply in return, as though pondering upon how best to respond to my statement.
"I was with you all the time... you know it too," she confessed me finally, her scrutiny upon me in spite of the mist between us.
"I don't understand a word that you're telling me," I admitted, the sultry summer heat now getting a little more unbearable. My mind went back to the first time I met her, about how she had bewitched me with her closeted talks about things that had blown me away into another Universe altogether.
"Oh dear, dear, dear... you're my same little boy now, aren't you?" remarked Love suddenly and I flushed.
I'd almost forgotten that Love could read my mind as transparently as the supple water of the clearest of springs. Apparently, she even read this thought of mine because she began to chuckle. Endearing as it was, it reminded me of someone who I again could not place. God, what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I remember?
"Don't annoy me, Love," I stated suddenly, wondering where my own outburst came from. Maybe it was because of my lack of memory. Maybe it was because... Well, I wanted answers to my latest predicament.
"I've had enough of it these days," I added pointedly, and she stopped smiling. I could feel her gaze upon me once again before she decided to seat herself upon one of the bony leaves of a dying palm. She still had the ability to float, I noticed.
"Well, isn't that why we're here?" she questioned me, her tone suddenly amused. I crunched my eyebrows at her in bewilderment as I felt beads of sweat now rolling down my forehead.
"Now what's that supposed to mean, really?" I retorted instantly, my mind suddenly distressed. As expected, the bonds got tighter again, but I was still in control of them.
"Are you really so nave or have you grown stupid with age?" asked Love, and I gasped in shock upon her statement. It definitely was embarrassing. She continued.
"I thought that you were smarter than all of them. I thought you were special." I stared at her with utmost confusion, not knowing how to respond to what she'd just told me.
"Well, I'd have a better inkling had I known what you're talking about," I answered uncertainly, the heat beginning to give me a headache now. It was as though my surroundings were filled with a resentment that were my own and yet weren't.
"You've figured out a lot about me..." remarked Love quickly, snapping me out from my thoughts." How many more hints must I drop till you figure it all?" she added, while I frowned upon her.
"Why are you so mysterious and terrifying? Why are you my friend in one minute and my foe in the next?" I ask edher unconsciously, not realizing that I'd let my thoughts slip into words. But now that I did ask her, I wanted some answers.
"You gave me the name," she replied swiftly, this time her tone sincere. "I define what I am known for. It depends upon how you view me. And right now, you aren't viewing me in any good light," she added mysteriously, and I could feel my head spin now.
"Oh my God, you're driving me crazy!" I exclaimed to her as I feel the sun at its peak, the desert now blazing away in its own fury. It's a surprise that it didn't catch fire.
"Yes, that's what people tell me," replied Love slowly, and my attention was drawn to her once again.
She was just the same like always, only younger and more familiar. There was a sparkle about her that I'd realized had grown stronger from the last time I saw her four years ago. It was as though she glowed slowly, yet strongly.
"Why am I so heavily clothed?" I asked her suddenly as I found the excessive clothing suffocate me suddenly in the heat, my body being drained out physically by the ruthlessness of the sun.
Love swooped down from the branch and crossed the barrier between us once again, her hand finding its own upon my cheek in a comforting touch once again. It was like a splash of cold, soothing water.
"Ah... you are no longer the small boy I gave refuge to, Ranveer," she replied me sweetly, her voice suddenly nurturing in a world devoid of humanity. She continued.
"You're nearly an adult now. You no longer have naked emotions... You've learnt the art of cloaking them in this uncertain world. An art rarely mastered, but immensely useful if gotten right. But then again, you're no ordinary child now, are you Ranveer?" she added, and I felt myself shy away at the revelation. She knew too much about me.
"Okay..." I whispered blankly, even though I dearly wished that for once I could have a seclusion for my thoughts. But she even read that away.
"It's something you've always known... You just needed a little prod in the correct direction," she remarked, and I sighed tiredly.
"And why is it that you keep growing younger and more beautiful?" I questioned suddenly, instantly regretting the stupidity of my question. But Love didn't seem to mind it at all.
"Well, like I told you, I define what I'm known as - what you feel, I feel," she answered simply, while I now stared at her curiously.
"So you're a mirror of my emotions?" I queried further, my senses suddenly sharp even though the sunlight was blaring my vision of what little the mist let me see of Love.
"No, the biggest one you feel. Your emotions are what tie you down; your feelings, where you find yourself to be," replied Love, but her voice felt as though it was coming across from a great distance.
I could feel my ears suddenly ringing, as I let the next pair of words let slip from my lips.
"I don't understand..."
"You are not meant to for the time isn't correct," she whispered, her voice still at the same distant decibel. "When the time comes, it will all fall into place. But for now I must leave, old friend," she told me suddenly and I could feel the sunlight fade away, along with Love's retreating figure.
"So what, will you ever come back again and help me out with my problem?" I asked her desperately, beads of sweat trickling down my face now while I felt restless. She stopped in her tracks, turning behind to look at me with intrigue. The mist blocked her away from view completely except for her silhouette.
"I will keep returning until you don't find your way back," she promised, and this time she was more audible. I continued staring at her anxiously as I felt the bounds tighten around my limbs, my shoulders aching greatly as a heavy mist descended upon the whole scene, everything obliterated from sight.
"Now what's that supposed to mean?" I questioned, my voice ringing about oddly.
"Think of this as your homecoming for now, darling... One day, you'll figure it all out," came back the invisible reply.
And even before I could say anything, her silhouette no longer remained visible, leaving my world in a spiraling mess until my eyes snapped open into the pitch darkness of my room. I looked around to realize that I was no longer in the blinding sunlight, but was instead in the confines of my room, the rain pounding against the window in its monsoon fever.
Thankfully, Baba was asleep. I creeped out from bed and got to you the first thing. I can't believe that she's alive still! Alive and healthy and if anything, even more breathtaking than usual. I just wish that she wasn't so mysterious about it all. But I could not have been happier... Atleast I no longer have to live in the guilt that I killed her that night! If I take it her way, I saved her.
That's quite a contrast, if you ask me.
But I'm back to reality. My same daunting reality where nothing wants to ever go right. Okay, I know that I did score a 93% in the boards and I got my admission in my college of preference on merit, and not influence, which in itself is a big milestone for me. I'm now one step closer in achieving my dreams and my goals. But that's about the only thing that's going right at this moment.
It's been nearly a month now since Ishaani and I have last spoken to each other.
Well, me more than Ishaani. I don't know what happens to me... Every time she comes in front of me, I'm only reminded about what she's done, and how she tried covering up her mistakes by bringing out something that wasn't even into context in that moment. And then there are moments when she looks right past through me like I simply don't exist.
What exists are two egos, each waiting for the other to buckle first.
Every time I go up to her, she turns her face away and either walks away, or pretends like I simply don't exist. It's like I'm some sort of roll over. And then some times when she comes up to me, I do the same thing, the atrocities of that day popping up into my mind. You must be wondering that I was never egoistic, that nothing mattered for me above Ishaani.
What should I do when she's opened up an entire dam of nightmares for me?
It's been one month now, and there's not a single night when I don't dream about it - my ragging incident. It's as though some kind of floodgate has opened up, all the horrors from the past living their fullest and manifesting themselves upon me in my sleep. Its assault after assault of humiliation and brutality, image after image of what I'd securely left behind in the past. How can I forgive her for turning my life into a living hell? Wasn't the day enough that even my nights had to be invaded by the cruelties of the rich?
It's almost every night when I get up screaming, cold sweats upon my face with Baba's face looming upon me, his worried eyes searching my own beseechingly. The incidents are burned across my eyes for several more minutes until they make their sickening exit with the bright wash of light upon my face that Baba courteously manages by switching on the lights of the room. I haven't told him about what I dream yet, but he's extremely concerned. Several times, I've even cried in my sleep begging for mercy and release to people who only exist in my lingering memories... not in real.
Oh no, this is going to take a lot of time to get over. And now, I have a new waging battle to fight with myself. Ishaani may not realize the consequences of what she's done till now, but I do. This is not something I can forgive like every little time she makes an error. No, not this time. This time, she's crossed her limits. So she needs to learn where to draw the line and be more considerate. So I've decided to let things be the way they are.
It's not like I don't miss her. I miss her terribly. I am now friendless, with nobody to pacify me whenever I need to share my grievances and woes, nor when I want to have a companion beside to stargaze or joke and even share my affection upon. We barely cross each other's path, and when we do, it's all... floppy. Either she walks away or I, neither attempting to stop the other.
Just yesterday, I was passing through her room to do some chores when I was her crying on the floor, hidden away from sight behind the side of her bed with only part of her black hair visible. She's had another episode with Baa, from what Baba had let slip to me quickly in the morning before hurrying away for work, hoping that it would help melt away my anger.
It did not melt away my anger, but I could certainly feel resentment pound into my chest. Ishaani and I may have our issues, but no one, NO ONE, is allowed to make her cry. Since I could do nothing about Baa (I can't wait for the day when I can actually be capable enough to show that... woman, her place) I nearly walked in to console her when she just sensed my presence and turned to look at me angrily, her eyes not even showing surprise at my presence. It's as though she just... knew, that I was there.
She simply wiped away her tears angrily, her face flushed red, and shut the door on my face before I could even so much as say anything. And that was enough to anger me once again, so I flared and I walked away with what little dignity I had left. I could have sworn that I heard her door open again, but I was so consumed with rage to look behind.
Life's all alone like the remnants of a drought-prone desert, where nothing feels alive anymore. Just a barren stretch of existence. I want to have her so badly back, yet every time she crosses my sight I'm reminded of the nightmares she's brought upon me.
Falguni Maa supports me too, but at the end of the day, it's Ishaani who's her daughter. The kids tried for a day or two but gave up on both of us fairly soon, deciding that it was a matter that only the two of us could solve. I think Ishaani and I were this close to bitching about them together when we realized that we were no longer on talking terms. To hide our awkward moment, we decided to storm away from the living room and barricade ourselves in our rooms. Or atleast that's what I did.
Mota Babuji and Baba have been trying their best, but neither one of us seem intent of giving up this game of painful waiting and simply bow down. No, we do it too often, and that's why doing it with each other this time would mean our ultimate failure. No. We've brought this terrible mess upon us, and I cannot see anyway that we are getting out from it unless one of us accepts defeat. And I know that she won't; she's waiting for me to make the first move like always.
But this time, I won't.
God, I don't want to be like this. I don't feel human... It's as though I'm burning in a fire that I don't want to burn into, and yet I cannot help it. I want her back... I want her back so badly yet I cannot get myself to take the first step. It's as though there's an invisible barrier between us that obstructs my way... I cannot reach her and I've shut the door of my mind, heart and soul to her as well.
Oh God, why did she have to do that?
Doesn't she realize what this does to us? How it detriments our progress in these eight years? Eight years' worth of everything jeopardized in one fleeting moment. Sometimes, some damages cannot be repaired, no matter what. Second chances... do they even exist? People say that life always gives us a second chance, but no, it doesn't. It. Just. Doesn't.
There's Ishaani who's been constantly driving me mad ever since she's come into my life, and then there's Love who's been driving me mad with her surprise visits at the most inappropriate of times, made worse with mysterious statements that's only in her capacity to understand. Argh, both these woman drive me mad! Honestly, if I even survive till my 18th birthday this October, it will be a miracle in this mental asylum of a place, both this house as well as my head!
Anyways, I'm off to sleep again. I think there's a couple of hours more that I'll be able to catch before I need to go with Mota Babuji to the BSE. Well, this will be the last week since college begins from the next. I don't know what's going to happen then. I don't think I know what's going to happen even tomorrow... forget about the future.
For now, all I know for certain is the homecoming of an old friend.
Constructive criticism will be more than welcome and sorry for any typos. :D :D
Next chapter:
Epistle 48
Edited by LadyMeringue - 8 years ago
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Debate Mansion
Parineeti
Chakravarti Samrat Prithviraj Chauhan
