Epistle 16: My Unquenched Thirst A/N: Hey there everyone! :D :D Here is the next update! :D :D
Happy Reading! :D :D
Ps. I dedicate this chapter to WD on the occasion of her birthday! <3 Happy birthday, girl, and if you do read this, I hope that you do like it. :D :D
15th October, 1996:
There's a need for love, and then there's a need for love. This is the latter.
It's funny the way this works. There's one moment where life is simply enough and you find love at your footstep, and then there's another moment where the love of the universe isn't enough to fill the void that your heart feels. It's like everything bleeds right through your heart, simmers down and vanishes. I don't know why that happens - it could be because we are made like that, or because we are made to feel like that.
You must be wondering why am I complaining? I have Ranveer who is my best friend (like literally emphasizing on the best part), I have Maa who is my Universe, and I have Harshad Uncle (don't you dare laugh at me, I've got another failed attempt and an enlightening yet embarrassing lecture over it, which I'll be getting to shortly), yet I don't know what's the matter with me.
Maybe I'm drunk in love and with people loving me. Maybe love is intoxicating that way - the more you get it, the more you crave for it. And then I look at Ranveer and feel shame trickling down into my heart. Ranveer is so content with the love he gets, and doesn't even expect anything in return! How can he be so selfless, really?! He makes me feel selfish and greedy.
It's been three days since his birthday and he's still lost in his birthday celebrations. As I told you, Maa and Harshad Uncle gifted him a brand new cycle, and he's gone cuckoo over it. He was so afraid to even sit on it lest something happened to it, but Uncle made him sit upon it eventually. You should have seen the look of joy on his face - it was infectious. Baa actually gave him the day off that made both myself and Ranveer stare at her like gaping gorillas before we darted away, afraid that the old woman would change her mind.
Sharman and Devarsh wished him too and gave him a birthday card with a chocolate and Ranveer honestly looked like he would faint with shock and elation alike. He was silly, really. And I gifted him a brand new diary. Co-incidentally, his diary came to an end the previous day, so he was going to start the first day of this new year in the new one. Funny, how that worked out. And in the evening, Kaka got for him samosas and his favourite chutney, along with tea and butterscotch ice-cream, and Ranveer looked practically drunk with happiness by then.
And somehow, his happiness made me happy. I felt as though I was on top of the world with Ranveer beside me - that we were two kids who could rule the world. I was that happy. And if I was this gleeful, I could only imagine how Ranveer felt.
He slowly caught my hand as we took a stroll in the garden, pulling me back so that his chocolate gaze pierced straight through my soul. And I swear, it made me shiver. He looked at me, devoid of any words for some time. And funnily enough, I understood what he wanted to say. Or rather, thank me for.
I shook my head as I dragged him back into the house where the warmth of the living room drove away the fancy darkness the night posed for us from a few minutes ago. We went to sleep early after the cozy birthday celebrations but by the time I got back to bed, the same thought about my unquenched thirst for love returned. Stronger than before. And then I thought about the happiness Ranveer felt at the love he received and felt like kicking myself.
But then the need for it even burnt down my shame. You must have practically labelled me as a lunatic, I'm certain. An eight-year old girl talking about love like this? But you're wrong. It's not 'that' kind of love that I'm talking about - it's sibling love. I notice how Sharman bhaiyya has Devarsh for company and how close they are. The two of them prank each other all the time and fight like cats and dogs, and yet they have each others' backs.
There's something that I'm missing out on in life, and that's sibling love. I know, I know, for a girl who can't even call her mother's husband as 'Papa', I'm talking too high and hypocritical. But it's true. It's no hidden fact that I have Ranveer who I can share anything... practically anything with. But he's my best friend, not my sibling.
That's where the entire issue lies.
I crave for a companion. Someone who I can call my own blood; someone who I can call my family. I have Maa, but I feel tired and exhausted by being on the line of target for so long. I crave the attention of someone who will look at me with innocent eyes and accept me for who I am, not for what people have made me. I want to spoil and pamper and fight and talk and share secrets with someone who will treat me like an epitome of awesome and cool. I don't want to be the bully kind, but I want someone to see me like that. Or atleast that's how they make it sound in all those books and movies.
I have Ranveer undoubtedly, whose love, friendship, loyalty and faith upon me is stronger than any blood and that is precious than the most valuable of treasures. He's someone I cannot think my life without for he's my only companion. My strength. My only friend.
And maybe that's why I want another companion too - because I'm afraid of losing him. And the way he looked at me in the garden... There was something about that gaze that made a fear creep into my heart. It was as though he was going to slip away from my hands any moment, the fact that he had my hand in his own being the only thing keeping me hooked to reality.
But I'm just being a silly goose over here. I don't even know from where the thought latched itself upon me in the first place and why it has become such a fascination. It's normal though, our teacher told us at school the other day when we were learning something along the same lines, and I did feel a tad bit relaxed.
Maybe I'm stressing about it too much. Or maybe it's just amongst those ideas that look brilliant on the outside, but are a big pain once you have them. I don't know but I don't like feeling so greedy for love. It's wrong, I tell you. I just wish that I could either talk to Maa or Uncle about it. Speaking of which, I failed again.
For the fourteenth time.
And this time, it could not have been more embarrassing.
It was during the day where Ranveer was in shock about the cycle. I kept trying to convince him that the cycle was his own and that Baa wouldn't twist his ears for using it (honestly, that woman has scarred him), until Uncle intervened. I was staring at Uncle trying to convince Ranveer about the cycle and just exactly out of nowhere, I was seized by a mad impulse - to give it another shot and call Harshad Uncle as Papa. I go on staring at the scene blindly when Uncle turns around for my support in his reasoning.
And what do I do?
Abruptly, like totally randomly, I call him Papa. I swear time held itself as Harshad Uncle and I stared at each other transfixed. His expression was shocked, disbelieving and searching, and all I did was look flabbergasted instead of convincing. I saw Ranveer look at me from behind Uncle, a very bizarre look on his face as the focus entirely shifted onto me. Simply put, he looked as though I'd gone mad.
The only word that ran through my mind like an alarm was "run". Run away as fast as I could before shame rendered me paralyzed. Run before my lamest attempt so far reduced me to an all-time low. Just run. Run, run, run. Run! And that's what I did. Before Papa could so much as twitch and Ranveer could so much as come towards me, I sprinted out from the hall and ran straight to my room, not even waiting to see who was it that came running behind me (although I'm certain that it was Ranveer).
I shut the door of my room and hid myself under the bed that's graciously spacious enough to accommodate an eight-year old girl. Nobody knocked outside the door but I sensed impatient footsteps, occasionally a little harder than usual but otherwise as soft as the pitter patter of a drizzle. I don't know how long it was before the door knock finally appears. And out of instinct, I yelled out "Go away, Ranveer. I shouldn't have listened to you."
But instead, a gentle response is what I received in the form of "It's me". It was Harshad Uncle. I sighed as the stupidity of what I had just done weighed heavier than before upon me, making my way up to the bed with dignity. I took a few moments to compose myself before I told him to come in. Uncle simply swung the door open and smiled at me, his eyes too understanding. I tore my gaze away from him, feeling my eyes burn with tears of shame. He came near me and sat down on the bed.
I didn't wait for him to initiate any conversation or even question me about what happened in the hall. I started on my own with what I felt, and if I'm right, this is what I exactly told him, word to word:
"Uncle, I'm sorry about what happened today. But it's just... you are my father-figure. You love me like your own child and you've given me all the love and respect that any child can hope for. You've given me a name, and not only just that. You've given me a happy mother too. I accept you as my father, then why is it so hard to call you 'Papa'? Why does it take so much effort?"
I looked at him impatiently, a tear or two leaving my eyes haphazardly and I could hear someone sniffing in the distance too. But in that moment, I could only think about what Uncle had to tell to me after my outburst. Somehow, I felt lighter once I spoke my mind out to him and I did not feel as stupid as earlier too, but I still felt ashamed.
Uncle cupped my cheek, telling me one simple statement:
"The day you are truly ready to accept me as your father, the word will leave your lips without even knowing it."
I simply stared at him as a small smile crept up my face. In that moment, the two of us knew what understanding and compromise we had arrived at. We also saw each other's mind transparently, knowing exactly what was going on in the others', and we were content. We knew that there was still time when we both reached that point where we could openly embrace each other, but for now this would do.
I let Uncle pull me into a hug, relaxing in his fatherly hold and letting my fears and insecurities slip away for those satiated moments. And out of nowhere, Uncle and I say the same thing at the same time - Ranveer. We both look at each other and smile, hearing a sharp intake of breath. Uncle doesn't loosen his hold on me, but whispers softly.
"Beta, come in".
I hear the same gentle pitter patter on the floor and smile to myself goofily even though I don't know why. When I sense that Ranveer is close enough, I look up and see him standing by the bed uncomfortably, his expression suggesting that he felt completely out of place. Uncle pats the bed, indicating him to take a seat. Ranveer does so gingerly, looking as though his sitting upon the bed would somehow contaminate it.
Papa and I both shake our heads at each other, now chuckling at Ranveer who looked slightly flushed. But before he can say anything, we pull him into a hug alongside, taking him by surprise The three of us remain like that for several minutes, or sunlit days, I wouldn't know. Ranveer and I remain on either side of Uncle's shoulders, feeding and thriving on his love. Secretly thanking our stars that we have a man like him in our life.
And in that moment, I did not know whether my want for more love was reasonable or whether I even required a sibling at all. My unquenched thirst was beginning to get fulfilled as I now have the two people I care about the most right by my side, ready to hold me if I ever fall.
And for now, that would do brilliantly.
Constructive criticism will be more than welcome and sorry for any typos. :D :D
Next chapter:
Epistle 17
Edited by LadyMeringue - 8 years ago
Geet - Hui Sabse Parayee
Bade Achche Lagte Hain Naya Season
Book Talk
Kabhi Neem Neem Kabhi Shahad Shahad
