Epistle 51: Smiling From My Soul
A/N: Hey there everyone! :D :D Here is the next update! :D :D
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19th October, 2004:
Life is finally bliss again.
Oh, it feels so good to be tension free and happy! God, I've missed feeling this light in so long, it's as though I've found a new treasure. And even Ishaani looks so relaxed these days that it's a lot more fun hanging out with her. Or maybe it's because we're hanging out with each other after nearly five months that it feels so good. Whatever it is, I'm loving it.
So, we managed to get our certificate for those pottery classes that we'd started off together. Finally! To be honest, for a moment there I didn't know who looked happier, our teacher or Ishaani. But in either way, I was sure as heck thrilled about it. It was as though we'd seen through an important challenge in life that we'd left abandoned, and it felt good to complete it.
I never give up easily, you know that.
Ahem, moving on. Ishaani and I had a cycling competition today! Yeah, after that fiasco with the cycle four years back, she decided that it was about time that she learnt how to ride one from me "properly", and like you know, I'm an expert on it. So I taught her how to ride one, and since the past three years, she's been harping about her cycling skills being better than mine. So the competition was bound to happen some time or the other.
And it was bliss. Oh yeah, we'd gone near the lake side today. The area is so calm and peaceful, and the roads are also without any traffic as well. So the two of us decided to have a cycling competition. The winner had to pay for the buttas that we were going to have afterwards. Yeah, we love doing crazy things like that, so well... this was another one of our several crazy escapades.
Any guesses who the winner was?
Okay, don't fall down in shock because it was Ishaani. Can you believe it? Ishaani actually managed to beat me! And I swear, I didn't even make her win or anything; she actually won on her own merit! I don't know why, but it made me feel so proud of her in that moment. She'd just won a cycling competition with me, but it still made my chest swell with pride. Even I know that I'm very difficult as a competitor, but it was the happiness on her face that made all worth it.
We've driven our cycles at such a mental speed - laughing, throwing jibes and jokes at each other, and trying to distract each other from the task of reaching our end point (that was a huge banyan tree) three kilometers away (or so we were given an approximate idea by the buttawala). The fields were on either side of us and it was just... wow. Green fields with lavender blossoms and it wasn't even too sunny today.
It was just perfect.
The way we were both windswept with the rush of adrenaline coursing through our veins faster than what was coursing through our blood at the demented speed which we cycled with was something worth treasuring. I was so sure that either of our cycles were going to explode, or we were going to with excitement. This was a kind of euphoria I'd never felt before.
Anyways, we finished cycling and as promised, I paid for the corn cobs. God, how we feisted upon them after all that cycling. We were like two children who'd not been given food for a week. Even the poor buttawala looked at us in surprise, wondering whether we were having another competition between us as to who could finish the butta faster. If this was viewed as a competition, then I beat Ishaani fair and square.
But this wasn't even the end. We cycled a little more and parked our cycles outside the field, now running aimlessly through them and seeing who could reach the water bank first. I don't know why the two of us were using so much speed, but from running aimlessly, it again somehow turned into a competition of who'd reach faster to the banks. And thankfully, being a 6'1 in height does pay off and give you that extra edge. Or maybe it was because I'd gotten so brilliant in running (all my lovely escapades must be given credit here) that Ishaani was no match for my speed.
But atleast she tried her best, which again, surprised me. I never saw her as a runner, truth be said, but she's always been surprising me. And I know how to take her surprises in my stride now. And so, plonking on the grass as we panted like two tired puppies, we started laughing uproariously yet again. I don't know whether someone had made us smell some sort of laughing gas or whether it was because we were so happy, but everything felt serene.
I fell flat on my backs as the clouds sheltered us from the sun, the lazy weather only making me smile more stupidly. Ishaani splashed the cool river water on her face before she threw some over me. I opened my eyes irritably as I edged near the river, throwing some water back at her in retaliation. How this ended up with the two of us wholly drenched and our feet finally in the water letting the cool currents wash upon out feet beats me.
We got up and settled back upon the cool grass after a few minutes, sighing deeply as though in meditation. Shutting my eyes as the smell from the blooms intoxicated my sense of thinking, Ishaani spoke softly.
"We should do this more often."
"I know... this feels great," I agreed while sighing drunkenly, and just out of the blue she decided to tell me a story from her class. And she went on and on, not letting my mind shut down peacefully for even a moment. And then I decided to do something interesting.
"173," I exclaimed suddenly, cutting through her fusillade of words flying faster than bullets while she turned her head in my direction, looking confused.
"What?" she asked me, and I chuckled stupidly.
"You spoke a 173 words in one minute," I told her as I propped myself up on my elbow so that I could see her properly. She was taken aback for a moment before scowling at my notoriously.
"What? You've been keeping tabs of that? You-" she threatened, pulling my ear suddenly that made me shriek in apology. She chuckled as she let go of me a moment later, shaking her head in loving exasperation from what I could make out.
"But seriously, how much can you talk, really? You're a chatterbox - day and night," I remarked, watching her expression closely. She flared up again and stuck her tongue out at me in response when I fell back upon the grass, raising my hands in surrender.
"Have some shame, Ranveer. We both know how much you talk," she replied smartly, and I gave her a lopsided-grin.
"Really? Let's ask Mota Babuji about it," I challenged, her confidence now faltering away.
"Hey that's not fair!" she complained, and this time I stuck my tongue out at her. She punched my arm playfully before we both chuckled again, staring at the sky where the couple of pigeons made their supreme flight in a pack.
"Speaking of fair, we're going to stargaze tonight with an obscure veil, okay?" I told her as I remember about our plan for our night-plans with the stars.
"Hey no! I want the transparent one!" she whined, and I clicked my tongue in disapproval.
"But why?" I asked her stubbornly, even though I know from the past eight years how fussy she was when it came to seeing the stars her own way.
"Because I don't like to see the sky without it, that's why. You know how I love the flow of the clothes... makes the sky look patterned with the sparkle of stars are sequins. How many times should I tell you the same thing?" she grumbled, while I shook my head in amusement.
"You are a troublemaker, Ishaani. You want a veil so that the sky doesn't appear too dim, but then most of the time you complain about not being able to see the stars through the cloth as well," I reminded her, and she looked embarrassed.
"I can't help it..." she mumbled, and I rolled my eyes at her.
"Well, then we need to find an alternative. I'm tired of tossing it with you for it," I added irritably. We've been tossing for an obscure sky or veiled sky for nearly six years now and she almost wins the toss all the time! Heads hers; tails mine.
"Just because we get heads 80% of the times, it isn't my fault, you know," she shot back cunningly, and I could see that sly smile on her lips. I gave her a shrewd look.
"You do some kind of cheating with the coin, I think," I voiced aloud suspiciously. Funnily enough, she coughed awkwardly at the same time. As though being caught red-handed, she tried to cover up quickly.
"Don't be a bad sport," she grumbled, while I snorted at her. She gave me another slap on my shoulder.
"Yeah, but I want to see the stars with a proper veil tonight, okay? I always listen to you for everything, so today, you'll listen to me," I told her softly, hoping that she'll agree. Thankfully, she did.
The two of us sat up and watch the water flowing softly on its bed before Ishaani sighed at the thought of some long lost memory. I gave her a curious look and she smiled sweetly.
"Speaking of cheating, remember that time when you didn't speak with me for four days because I'd copied in one of the tests?" she reminded me, and I understood what was going through her mind. I didn't respond to her question, but instead asked her one in return.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Go ahead," she replied, her eyes sparkling hypnotically in the sunlight.
"Why does my disappointment or anger with you affect you so much?" I asked, wondering whether it was wise of me to bring up this topic when things were so... normal between us. She frowned.
"What kind of a stupid question is that?" she asked in return, while I shrugged my shoulders.
"I'm just curious," I replied finally, deciding that it was best if we did speak about it.
"I don't know..." she began hesitantly. "It's just... I can bear the world being angry or disappointed with me, but not you. Even when Papa is angry with me, I can somehow manage to bear it, but with you, it's different. I don't know... your anger frightens me," she confessed. It certainly confused me. "It's as though it can destroy anything that crosses its path... The most violent of storms could fall silent before your cold, unnerving anger," she added slowly, and this time I did gasp at this revelation.
I never knew that my anger was even existent, and this description of my anger frightened me as well now that I saw it from another person's point of view.
"But I never shout at you or anything. Or even tell you anything," I said defensively, wondering what is was really frightened her. Everybody got angry, then why was I different? Apparently, she was banking on the response I gave her, for her next statement was quick.
"That's the worst thing! You don't say anything, you don't express anything, yet the cold anger that reflects in your eyes is more than enough to cover it up. I don't like that cold anger or disappointment from you, Ranveer. I don't know... I've never been able to take it," she admitted obscurely again, as though seeing something that I couldn't see. Her response didn't enlighten me at all.
"Why?" I asked her dumbly, while she sighed half-heartedly.
"Because I don't like disappointing you. I want to live up to that trust you show me, to all the love and affection and respect that you shower upon me. I don't like being the reason why you are angry or sad or in pain. I just want to be the reason of your happiness and peace of mind. I want to be the reason of your smile just like how you make me smile everytime I'm sad or angry. I want you to be proud of me for whatever I do," she confessed, and I could see that she'd put a great deal of thought into her answer.
And a lot of courage as well, something that I failed to muster when talking to her a lot of times.
"You make me sound like I'm your inspiration," I concluded uncertainly, now getting a gist of what she was trying to imply with my anger.
"Oh yes, you are," she agreed, a small smile upon her face. I stared at her agog for a minute, words failing me completely. She looked ahead at the water, speaking soulfully. "So please, never, never be that kind of angry with me ever again. If you ever want to kill me inside-out, this will do the job for you, guaranteed."
"Shut up," I gasped, pressing my finger upon her lips harshly.
She looked surprised as the reflection of the band on my finger blinded us both for that moment because of the sunlight. I quickly took back my finger and averted my gaze from her own, chagrined.
"Don't ruin the day by talking such kind of things, okay? And I won't be angry with you like this again, I promise," I assured her while she shook her head at me, looking amused. I wonder what amuses her so much about me half the time.
"Unless you decide that this promise is going to be like the one you gave me about not drinking again, I don't have much hope," she replied, her tone suddenly light.
I realized that she was trying to change the topic now that she'd got her satisfactory response. Taking the cue subtly, I pretended to give her an offended look.
"I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to get that drunk, I just..." I trailed off, suddenly distracted by the winds that blew strongly in our direction. Both of us enoyed the cool breeze for a few minutes before Ishaani spoke up.
"You know, I had such a strong urge to slap you that day... it was with such difficulty that I managed to control myself," she confessed and even before I could control myself, I felt the words slip out.
"Yeah, I can say the same for your prank too."
Ishaani gave me an alarmed look as she practically let the next set of words fly away from her lips at full speed, making her sound nearly incoherent.
"Call it even?" she asked, and I smiled. Well, I did get the gist of what she asked, anyway.
"Yeah, yeah... now come on, get up! Let me take some photos from around here!" I exclaimed as I jumped up to my feet, looking at the sky that now exhibited the charm of late noon. Ishaani got to her feet, slapped her forehead dramatically as I picked up the camera from beside where I sat moments ago.
"Papa really shouldn't have encouraged your photography hobby," muttered Ishaani darkly, while I gave her an annoyed look.
"In my defense, this was the first thing I'd ever gifted myself," I explained and she shut her eyes, as though I'd made this speech to her for the umpteenth time. I disregarded her reaction and continued proudly. "And I'd done well in my 10th Boards, so this did seem like a good gift for myself."
Before she could even counter anything I was saying, I used the ultimate defense that I had in mind.
"And why are you complaining? You take me around like your professional cameraman and make me remove you photos everywhere!" I remarked reproachfully and she scowled.
Well, it's true! I've been doing the photo thing from the past seven years. First it was for Mota Babuji in his camera, and now it's for me in my own.
"Thanks for reminding me!" she retorted suddenly, forgetting that she was supposed to feign anger. God, she was such a poser and a drama queen at times, it was a surprise that she had no interest in acting. "Remove some of mine as well!" she exclaimed excitedly, and I couldn't help but feel amused.
"Shucks, I should have kept my mouth shut," I whispered to myself underneath my breath, but she caught me anyway. She shook her hand in the air as though ready to hit me.
"Ranveer-"
"Okay, okay, meri maa!" I remarked chirpily, raising my hands in surrender again as the two of us laughed. Say what I might, her hands really hurt when she hit me.
But even before I had time to change my mind, she quickly started making poses, a new pose every half a minute. And then my world fell still, everything ceasing to exist except the conscious knowledge of my heart thumping against my ribs a little stronger than usual, a strange tingle making it beat irregularly. Was she always this beautiful, or was it some kind of a dream?
And all I could do was stare at her in love, greedily storing away all her innocence in my heart, eyeing her in awe. Honestly, what had God made, really? She was the most beautiful thing I could have ever set eyes upon, the most beautiful thing that could ever happen to me. And suddenly, Ishaani's words from a few minutes ago floated into my mind about how she feared my anger. But how could I ever remain angry at her when she reminded me every minute about how much I love her?
They say that we are born once, we love once and we die once. Then how is it that I fall in love with her every single day, every single moment? Her smile is like a strange balm upon my heart - no matter how much I stare at her, smiling, it's never enough. Her smile doesn't just touch my eyes, but it touches my soul; it flows into my heart through the blood I'm ready to shed for her so long as it kept her happy. Oh, what wouldn't I do for her?
Every time I see her smile, it reminds me that there is something worth living for. Everything she smiles, it gives me a hope that there is something pure and whole in this cruel world, something that will never fade away no matter what. Every time she smiles, it reminds me about why I love her so much, about why she means the world to me. Everytime she smiles, it gives me the security that no matter how bad things are, it going to be alright, eventually.
All she has to do is smile and my pain vanishes away as though a magic wand has been swooshed. All she has to do is smile and my world is complete. All she has to do is smile and I am complete. I never knew how it was possible to love someone so much the way I love her. She's who I always want to see first when I start my day and the last when I end my day. I don't know whether she'll ever feel the same way about me, but I don't expect anything from her. As long as she's happy and around me, that's all that'll ever matter to me.
I could sacrifice it all, I could risk it all, just as long as she kept smiling like that always. Without her smile, there could be no happiness in this world. Without her smile, there could be no warmth. Without her smile, there could be no hope. Without her smile, there could never be life. Oh, what couldn't her smile do? Without her smile, even I could never survive.
All that I can do is smile back at her, smiling through my soul as she shakes her head happily at my reverie-confused state, urging me to take quicker snaps. And that's what I did. I tried to capture away her smile in photos so that I could always hold them as a talisman against every difficult day; against every hardship-filled day.
The moment I finished taking her photos, she ran towards me and linked her arm within mine, while I quickly took it off. Oh, I was so afraid in that moment, afraid that I was still vulnerable, but not in the way that I was before. What wouldn't I give to tell her how much I loved her, how she was the only world I ever wanted to know? What wouldn't I give to become her equal so that one day, maybe that one delusional day, I could make her fall in love with me and make the moon my own.
She looked at me curiously before snapping her fingers at me, looking mischievously cute. I feared that my heart was beating too loudly; perhaps she might hear it too if she came too close.
"Why are you staring at me as though I'm teaching you Maths?" she asked me inquisitively, and I gave her a simple smile. As simple as I can to hide away the deepest ocean of emotions that I found myself drowning into.
"Because I'm learning something from you, Ishaani," I replied, and she looked at me in surprise.
"Really? What?" she asked me again, her eyes eagerly searching my own to determine whether I was telling her the truth or no. I simply shrugged my shoulders, giving her the most truthful reply that I could think about in that moment.
"To smile from my soul."
She smiled at me slowly and I could have sworn that even the sun wasn't this radiant. She ran her fingers through my hair as she ruffled it playfully, the glint from her band sparkling magnificently in the lush of the tranquil afternoon. She stared at me for a whole minute, her eyes somehow looking into my own as though she was in search for an answer; an answer to a question that even she wasn't aware about. She broke contact after a few minutes and began making her way towards where we had parked our cycles, while I followed her silently, a smile plastered upon my face.
Oh yes, I was truly learning to smile from my soul.
Constructive criticism will be more than welcome and sorry for any typos. :D :D
Next chapter:
Epistle 52
Edited by LadyMeringue - 8 years ago
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