A/N: Hey there everyone! :D :D Here is the next update! :D :D
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25th September, 2007:
And today's the day we say adieu to Ganpati Bappa after ten whole days.
I'm definitely going to miss these days a lot. The poojas, the mithaais, the prayers, and the thrill of people coming over for the pooja. But above all, the most satisfying thing was the solace I got in these ten days... It was like a reassurance that everything would fall into place. It's been two months now and I still haven't got a job. And you know how it's been frustrating me since long.
Ishaani was right; merit didn't matter. Not when influence and background checks were the first to be dissected. Since when did corporates and companies get so biased? Or were they always like that, and like Ishaani hasn't bothered being subtle about, I was just being too hopeful and naive of hoping to make a place for myself on the basis of an equality on merit and not charity?
Well, I'm still not taking charity. I'm working with Mota Babuji and am still handling the portfolios of the company for the time being, trying to hone my skills with much more care than before. Maa's been going ballistic, but there's nothing I can do about it now, can I? I need as much experience as I can gather for myself. Only that's going to help now.
Meanwhile, I have no news whatsoever about the thesis paper. My professor had told me that the research paper was approved and would be featuring in a leading international research journal, but I have no idea what's happened about that so far. There was even a cash price of Rs. 75,000 attached with it and there's just no news about the same. God alone knows why nothing seems to be falling into place as of late. It's like no matter what I do, the pieces of the jigsaw won't just fit together anymore.
Things have been getting harder and harder over here with every passing day. Baa has taken it upon herself to make our life a living hell every single day and not a day goes by when Maa hasn't been reduced to tears by the end of it. Insults, taunts, jeers and more physical wounds. And yet, we cannot speak a word because we need the sustenance.
It's like we're selling our soul every day to the devil, along with our self-respect.
And just five days ago, after the fiasco with Baa using the agarbattis to burn marks upon her hands for supposedly "eavesdropping" upon a conversation, Maa has had enough. She wants to leave pronto. She says she wants her freedom. She's had enough - not just for herself, but for Baba and myself too. She says that she's tired of being humiliated and being treated like an animal in spite of giving her life for her "masters". She says that she's fed up of all of this. Living on the roads would be better.
It's been nearly impossible to convince her to stay back, but Baba, myself, Mota Babuji, Falguni Maa and Ishaani have managed to convince her somehow. God, it was just a nightmare and with all the preparations for Ganesh Chaturthi and everything, it wasn't one of the best days of my life. Even though she's stayed back for now, I can sense her discomfort and pain. I don't want to put my mother through this, but I'm helpless. I don't know what to do anymore. I've even revised my CVs and sent them out, but it's not bringing in phone calls.
Maa has not only taken minnats already for my job, but even for a miracle so that we could somehow manage to get away from the crazed ways of the high society that she cannot take anymore. Everything is just on the brinks of crumbling. Just a blow and it'll all fall apart. And I've never prayed this hard in my life for anything as much as I've been praying to rid my parents of all their miseries and worries and to help me give them the happiness that they deserve.
I promised Maa that for her twenty-fifth anniversary, I'd gift her our freedom. There's still two months for it, but that was the only thing I could do to pacify her. Oh, making promises are so easy! I swear upon the good Lord that I want to fulfill this promise, but how? We have no money and no house to go back to. Neither are we earning much to even afford to rent a flat in the growing populace of Mumbai and the exorbitant rates they charge.
I've been going to Siddhivinayak with Ishaani daily too. That's always been our place of solace ever since we were kids. And yesterday, I broke down. I'd gone to the temple late in the night because I didn't know where else to go. Ishaani wasn't with me thankfully. I never cry too often, you know that. But yesterday... I don't know what just happened, but I broke down. I'm tired. I don't know what to do anymore.
Mota Babuji says that every failure is a stepping stone to success. But nobody ever told me that the weight of failure pulls you down a little more every single time. I've been rejected by twenty-four companies already just because of my background. And I've not been called back from seven more because of no influence. And when I gave them one, they looked at me with those jeering eyes, as though I thought they were fools to be hoodwinked. And I've sent applications to over sixty-five companies.
The frustration and the disappointment... Everything is just beginning to crumble now. All this time, I thought that by working with Mota Babuji and by gaining experience along with scoring well would be my green ticket to getting a job as quickly as possible. But I was thoroughly mistaken. There's no such thing as a green ticket. Not for the likes of me anyway. And it's eating at me little by little with every passing day.
So yesterday, I just broke down in front of Ganpatiji. I'm tired of being strong. I know that the battle and realities of life have just begun and I haven't even started off and I'm losing hope so quickly, but what do I do? Everything's just falling upon my head all of a sudden and I don't know what to do with it! Expectations, disappointments, responsibilities, burdens, loyalties... And the amount of self-respect I'm selling away is puke-worthy.
And so all I did was fall upon my knees and cry.
Cry so that God would give me the strength to see this through. Cry so that I'd get the strength to bear failures and pick up the pieces and keep trying until I succeeded. Cry so that I never had to face another terrifying failure again. Cry so that I could keep my senses about me and keep pursuing my dreams. Cry so that I could feel less guilty about promising my mother something I couldn't fulfill. Cry because I was an added burden upon my parents. Cry because I didn't feel worthy of Ishaani anymore. Cry because I'd disappointed my Mota Babuji even though he says nothing.
Cry because I was in dire need of a miracle.
I don't know for how long I remained slumped on the floor like that before the panditji picked me up and asked me to go home. He remarked that I looked terrible and in dire need of sleep. He gave me a box of prasad and some holy water and told me that whatever was the cause of my misery would soon become alright.
Nobody walked away from Ganesha's abode empty-handed ever.
And so I came back home, still depressed. There was no solace, only the burning fire of insecurities. There was no peace, only the disturbing images of a future I was working so hard to create. There was no satisfaction, only the prickling truth of failures burning in my heart. There was no happiness, only the harsh truth that maybe I was a goner for life. There was no will to fight, only the feeling to give up and run away. There was no gusto to look forward to a tomorrow without Ishaani, only the desire to fade away into the night.
And yet there was still a trust that whatever happened, happened for the best. What was the best, I didn't know. But there was a blind faith nonetheless. Something I couldn't express, but still a weak talisman against all my demons so desperate to rip apart my soul into shreds. I could not bring myself to go up to my room and face my parents anymore - I needed to be secluded to phrase my own thoughts and emotions into order. Neither did Ben and Sarah's last leap of their story bring any motivation into me to pen down the end. I couldn't bring myself to do it.
And so in spite of myself, my feet led me up to the terrace. Maa's words rang in my years about how looking at the moon only brought bad luck upon us during the Ganesh Chaturthi days, but I couldn't care less. What did I have to lose anymore? I'd nearly lost it all... All I had left was my sanity. I swung the door open to see Ishaani sitting right at the center, staring at the moon with a strange anxiety.
I walked up to her and sat down, looking worried. She turned to look at me, a small smile upon her face.
"The moon. It looks beautiful, no?" she asked, an angelic smile upon her face as she looked at the moon again. It was too late to make her look away from the moon, so I looked up at it in wonderment instead.
"Maa says its bad luck to say it during these days," I told her, my tone apprehensive. She turned to look at me again, surprised.
"Is it? I didn't know. What are you doing here then if its bad luck?" she asked me suddenly, looking curious.
"My entire life is bad luck. I don't think seeing the moon is going to make a difference, really. What are you doing here?" I asked her in return, wondering why she was at the terrace at such an odd time. We didn't even plan to stargaze today.
"Celebrating on my own. I came to fetch you but Kaki said that you weren't home. She didn't know where you were and she was worried," she replied and I could sense the disapproval for me in her tone. She hated it when I went away without telling anyone anything.
"What are you celebrating?" I questioned, an apologetic look on my face.
It was news that she did have something to celebrate, because I certainly wasn't aware about it. Her face brightened up at my question considerably.
"Maa and Papa agreed to send me to the US, finally," she whispered, the excitement in her voice not lost upon me at all.
Oh, she had finally gotten what she wanted! I couldn't have been happier in that moment until I realized what it also meant. I wouldn't be able to accompany her.
"That- that's great! Congratulations!" I whispered hoarsely but somehow, I could not muster that gusto that she was hoping for. She looked bewildered until she smiled at me in understanding.
"Thank you... They'll be sending you along with me, I guess," she let me know and I smiled sheepishly.
Still a lot of complications ahead if things materialized. It would mean leaving my career for her and beginning all over again in the US. She noticed my still-low spirits and pulled my chin up so that our eyes met.
"Are you not happy?" she asked me, suddenly sounding a little crestfallen. That managed to help me conjure a smile, albeit a weak one.
"Happier than you know," I replied in a soft whisper and she gave me a sad smile. She'd gotten good at reading me. Her hand still remained upon my cheek.
"Then why do you look so broken? You'd gone to Siddhivinayak now, hadn't you?" she asked, looking worried. For me.
And that was it.
I let the tears slip away from my eyes treacherously, hating myself for falling weak in front of her yet I knew that if I could be weak in front on anyone, it was Ishaani. It had to be her.
"Why is life so difficult for me, Ishaani? Why do I have to lose it all to gain something in life? Why can't I ever get anything easy in life for once?" I cried as she pulled me into her arms and let me vent.
She knew the strain I was going through. She knew that I needed to vent my emotions... That everything was driving me crazy inside-out.
"Because when you've slogged for it, the fruits are always a keeper and something you'll cherish all the more," she consoled and I separated from the embrace.
It was awkward, yet the warmth of it was something I couldn't resist. With every passing embrace, I only kept liking the solace of her arms more and more. The soft, gentle touch strong enough to break my fall.
"I'm terrified, Ishaani. Terrified of failing so many times... Academics never taught me what it felt like to fail and how to combat it," I confessed, my eyes staring into her own in a beseeching desperation.
She wiped away the tears from my face and strengthened her grip upon my hand, her tone now a balm upon my aching wounds.
"I've been praying for you every single day, Ranveer. Papa always says that whatever you ask for in these ten days, you'll always get. No one goes empty handed, as long as their heart is in the right place and their intentions clean. You'll find a job soon enough."
"Can I get a hug again?" I asked her after sitting quietly for some time, trying to stem my thoughts. She smiled at me goofily.
"You only had to ask," she replied, but I hugged her even before that.
She was surprised because I was the one who always evaded all of the physical bouts of comfort, but today I needed it the most. Now more than ever. She was my best friend; if I didn't find solace in her arms, then where was I to find any? She holds me in her arms like a mother, rubbing my back soothingly. I didn't like being vulnerable, but I liked being loved by her like this.
A lot has been changing in our dynamics. I don't know what it means, but I like this change. It feel... hopeful. Like maybe I'm not being an illusion all fool after all.
And just like that, I knew. I could see my priorities falling straight. For her, a thousand times over.
"I'm really, really happy for you. And don't worry, I'll come with you whenever the time comes for you to go to the US. No matter what," I whispered and she nestled her head over my shoulder.
I shut my eyes as the rosy vanilla comfort from her hair made me feel drowsy. Or maybe it was an easy passage into a sleep that seemed to hover upon me out of the emotional exhaustion.
I never realized when we fell asleep like that, though. But there it was - the solace I was looking for. Something that even the temple couldn't give me. The solace that maybe God had decided to give me in the form of Ishaani. Maybe it was because I saw my God in her. No matter what, she didn't judge me. She was here to stay with me through thick and thin. The least I could do was be with her when she needed me to be so. If that meant leaving my job midway, I'd do that also for her. She's done a lot for me in all these years. This is the least I could do for being my best friend and my light.
This is the least I can do for not seeing me as a servant.
It was the best sleep I'd had in a long time. The next thing I knew, it was morning and the two of us had fallen upon the ground, our arms entangled around each other in an embrace. The first thing I woke up to was her smiling face, staring at me with the sweetest smile upon her face. She'd just woken upon moments before myself, from the look of it. There was still some time for dawn, although the skies had begun to fade. And it was then that I realized.
This is what I wanted to wake up to every single day of my life. The first person I saw when I woke up, the last person I saw before I crashed to sleep - Ishaani.
I should have felt awkward and yet I couldn't bring myself up to feel so. The comfort of her arms were something that I wanted to sink into, the love of her smile something I was willing to die for. All I could do was smile sweetly at her in return as I propped myself up, rubbing my eyes sleepily.
She chuckled at me, ruffling my hair like always.
"You're the most adorable thing alive when you're asleep," she confessed, suddenly blushing.
This was new, really. But now that the remnants of the night were passing away, so was my vulnerability. And with it came the dawn of reality.
"I think its best we head down, Ishaani. If anyone sees us, we'll-" I began to protest but she cut me.
"Shhh. Just it quietly. We'll watch the sunrise and go down," she said, looking at me in exasperation. Well, it's me. It's to be expected. Especially after something like that. God, what was wrong with me?
"But-" I began again but she pressed her finger upon my lips sternly.
"The visarjan isn't until eight. It's okay," she added, sensing my apprehension.
I wonder how she puts up with me at times.
I wanted to protest but somehow, the words had gotten caught up in my throat. Neither did I have the heart to leave this haven. Whatever had to happen would happen. I was tired peeking into the past and pondering upon the future. I wanted to live in the present for once. And yes, we did have a lot of time until the immersion was to happen.
Just like every year, Ganpatiji would leave our house on my shoulders just how he entered the house upon them. That was a right Mota Babuji had given to me and me only. There's going to be a last pooja at seven before we all went to Chowpatti for the immersion. It's usually very crowded but since we are going in the morning, it's alright, I guess.
For now, all that mattered was the dawn that was preparing to make its grand appearance across the horizon. Ishaani sat silently for perhaps the first time, giving my thoughts sufficient space to accommodate itself too. She knew what was going on in my mind. That's why she gave me the space.
She placed her head upon my shoulder and sighed slowly, as though living every moment of the splendour filled colour that nature so benevolently granted each morning. Blue changed shades faster than the previous one until orange sudden lybroke out, yellow following its wake. The explosion of colours continued to take place as Ishaani and I stared at the horizon, hypnotized by the breathtaking metamorphosis.
This was it. This was where man met destiny - at the horizon.
This is the destiny I want. A destiny to watch every sunrise and sunset with Ishaani beside me. To have her head upon my shoulder as a reminder of what God had given me. Mota Babuji says that we are given the tools to re-write our own destiny yet end up at the finish line that was written for us. I want to end up at the finish line with Ishaani.
If only my destiny and finish line would meet at the horizon.
Ranveer closed his diary and shut his eyes. He was just back from the beach after the immersion. Gone was Ganpatiji with his wish in the waters too. Now was the time to have faith and wait patiently.
No one left the abode of Ganpatiji empty-handed.
Relaxing as that little interlude of relief was, he had to plunge back into reality soon. He opened the drawer and kept his diary inside, his eyes falling upon the several hard copies of his CV. Pulling them out with more force than required, he was about to proof-read them again for additions when his mother entered the room.
"This is come for you, I think."
"Courier? For me? Show me," said Ranveer, looking puzzled. No one ever sent him couriers. Where had it come from then? Was it some kind of response to his latest interview?
Ranveer took the letter from his mother's hand and stared at the envelope in shock. It had the emblem of the University of Sydney with his letters written in clear print in bold. MR. RANVEER VAGHELA. What was going on? Tearing open the envelope with utmost care, Ranveer pulled out the sheet of letter that was suddenly the object of all his attention. Smoothening the sheet of paper, he read the letter quickly, his eyes taking in the words yet not taking in any.
UNIVERSITY OF SYDNEY
Sidere Mens Eadem Mutato
Address: Camperdown & Darlington, Abercrombie St., New South Wales 2006, Australia
Dear Mr. Vaghela,
We are pleased to inform you that on the basis of your thesis research paper 'The Dominoes of the International Financial Markets after the Boom', you've earned a scholarship of $17,786 (AD) at the University of Sydney for pursuing your Masters in Financial Economics at our esteemed institution. All the details about the course in question can be found in the brochure attached alongside. Also find enclosed a list of all the documents required and procedures to be duly carried out before the start of the term in case of acceptance.
The University will honoured to pay for your accommodation at the college campus and the tuition fees along with an offer of a paid six-month internship post the completion of the course. For further details, please contact your current University at the earliest. The acceptance offer has a validity till the end of the month, following which the scholarship will be rendered void. The new term starts from the third week of October. We await your response by no later than September 30.
Wishing you all the very best for your future endeavours!
Yours sincerely,
David Grant,
Associate Dean (Research)
The letter slipped away from Ranveer's hand just as Amba looked at him, puzzled.
"What is it? Ranveer?" asked Amba as the former looked at her, shell-shocked. Words failed him. What was that again? Scholarship at the University of Sydney? This must surely be a joke. But it wasn't. The words were there. It was true.
No one left Ganpatiji's abode empty-handed.
When Ranveer continued to remain silent, Amba sat him down upon the bed, looking at his now-pale features in panic.
"Are you alright?" Ranveer looked up and stared at his mother stupidly. Before he could say anything, however, Ishaani entered the room, a plate of sweets in her hand.
"Kaki, I- what's happening?" asked Ishaani, looking at the mother and son in confusion. Amba walked up to Ishaani as Ranveer stared at her vacantly, his mouth slightly open.
"I don't know, Ishaani. He's got a letter but he won't tell me where it's from. He isn't saying anything at all!" exclaimed Amba, now sounded frenzied.
Ishaani looked at Ranveer's drained face in worry as she noticed the fallen letter upon the floor. Quickly picking it up, she ran her eyes through it as though it was her only chance of understanding what the matter was. And her face broke out in the biggest of smiles by the time she reached the end as she hugged Amba tightly, taking her by surprise.
The older woman felt her heart burst with even more worry with Ishaani's reaction, but the smile upon the latter's face was something that could only mean good.
And her judgment was sealed by Ishaani's statement.
"Kaki, he's just been offered a scholarship in Australia to pursue his Masters with a paid six-month internship period!"
Constructive criticism will be more than welcome and sorry for any typos. :D :D
Next chapter:
Epistle 74
Geet - Hui Sabse Parayee
Bade Achche Lagte Hain Naya Season
