Epistle 62: The Baggage of VictoryA/N: Hey there everyone! :D :D Here is the next update! :D :D
Happy Reading! :D :D
15th January, 2007:
There's always someone who your smile belongs to.
And then there's someone whose smile can simply make you forget everything - all your pains, your fears, your inhibitions, everything. It's a smile that fills all voids, a smile that can simply make you embrace happiness and the zest of living even if you don't want to. It makes you spit away your anger in a matter of minutes, so overpowering it can be when it's at its prime. Just a smile from the heart, an exuberance from the eyes that makes you realize just how beautiful life can really be.
I love those days. And yesterday was one such one. After ten years of repeated failure, Ranveer finally managed to do the impossible. He managed to break Papa twenty-three year old streak. Oh, I cannot even begin to describe the joy on his face, let alone the power of his smile in that moment. Never have I seen anyone so alive... so sparkling with the zest of life. I'm glad that I did not miss yesterday's competition, no matter how much I must have cursed Ranveer for managing to convince me to atleast come sit on the terrace for moral support.
He called me his lucky charm.
They say that some journeys are very tedious. You don't know how the end is going to turn out to be or whether it's going to be worth it or no after all the pain. Yesterday was one such journey, not for Ranveer but for me. Six hours of flying it was for Papa and Ranveer, but for me it was six hours of anticipation and anxiety. To choose from the two people I loved and admired the most in this world. Time flew by and the end drew nearer, and so did my feet. It was only when I heard the words leave my lips in the most excited whisper possible did I know that the choice had been made.
But what Ranveer's didn't see, I saw. Papa's eyes darting ever so slightly at my voice to see where I stood. Ranveer's eyes no longer left his kite anymore, so determined he was at doing the impossible. But Papa's gaze found my own and it was not more than a couple of seconds, but the smile that crossed his features along with the look of pride upon his face was answer enough for me.
I'd made the right choice.
And in that moment, I knew where I stood. I was meant to stand beside him through all times, thick or thin. In real or in memory, but I would always stand by him, no matter what. He was writing the pages of grandeur in a history he was meant to be a part of, and I knew that I had to be there for him in every step and every stage. Especially at the finish line.
Words of encouragement kept leaving my lips, but I don't know what I've said because I was too busy being torn between staring at my father waging a losing battle and Ranveer using all of his resourcefulness and skill to win his first milestone against the man who was his mentor and greatest teacher. It was time to return what he had been taught in all those years. It was time to show that he had been a worthy disciple. It was time to prove that the passing of the beacon was to happen soon.
It was time to step into a new era.
Oh, it was the most maddening of minutes as Papa's green kite spiralled out from the air like a marionette's strings cut. Ranveer remained shell-shocked for a whole minute as he stared at the sky blankly, looking as though he had trouble accepting what he'd just done. And then he suddenly smiled, my arms finding its way around his neck and his finding mine and we were hugging like there was no tomorrow. Who cared that I could feel his blood upon my face and clothes or that he had still gripped the manja that I was mortally afraid of? Victory always came at the price of blood.
That's what makes a victory... well, a victory.
Oh we separated and I barely had the time to tell him anything before Papa pulled him into the tightest of hugs. And then out of nowhere I'm pulled into the hug and well and we were all hugging each other as though we'd conquered the world... well, atleast Ranveer had a successful first ascent. We were about to separate when Papa held on to me a little longer and gently whispered into my ears.
"I'm proud of what you did today. Never leave his side."
And the moment we separated, our eyes met for the second time in the same powerful gaze of seconds that spoke everything. I was being entrusted with a responsibility of being Ranveer's invisible benefactor. All this time, it was the other way around. But for the first time I realized what it felt like to be entrusted with something so... important. For the first time in ten years, I could feel the burden upon my shoulders once again. The burden of responsibilities, just like the one Ranveer said he felt in his dreams about Love.
But there was a difference. Back then, the responsibilities that my eight-year self bore were the ones I wasn't prepared for. This, I am. I could risk it all as long as it meant him being happy. Ranveer can close his eyes and sacrifice it all in a minute for me - he has been my shield, giving me second chances all the times whenever I've made a mistake. He's noble, selfless and can love like no other, and that's why I know that I must be the one to protect him. That benevolent heart of his is going to put him in deep trouble one day.
Snapping out from my thoughts, I pulled both Papa and well as Ranveer to the side and quickly begin working upon their hands. Our camping trips in the 10th Std. had helped me master the basic first aid treatment and it was within minutes that both Ranveer and Papa had neatly bandaged hands.
Ranveer's were in terrible shape... I don't understand why he's so reckless about himself and his health. Idiot. Gashes all upon them... He knows I hate seeing him bleed. Thank Goodness he took off the promise band and came to fly the kite or else he would have ruined the band as well. Papa was one less I had that Ranveer always like going one step ahead of him in things like this. *rolls eyes*
But I managed to patch them both up and feed them properly. Disha nicely managed to slither away after wishing Ranveer congratulations... She was getting bored out of her mind anyway and Baa was worried about her getting "dark" in the sun. Seriously, that woman needs help.
But well, as the time for dusk grew closer and closer, everybody left the terrace until it was just me and Ranveer. And like all times, I simply satisfied myself by laying my head upon his shoulder. I could see the toll the day had taken upon him and I was surprised that he was still awake. He looked like he could have collapsed any minute, and I think it's why he let his head fall upon my head.
We were supposed to go to our rooms and freshen up, but I knew that Ranveer didn't want to go anywhere because this was where he wanted to be. Walking away now would be walking away from the dream, only to be plunged back into a reality that wouldn't seem so sweet. I didn't know what was going on his mind in that moment, but all I was assured of was the fact that he was happy. I could feel that joy radiate from his eyes and fill every pore of my body with the same jubilation of the triumph that he'd just achieved.
I radiated a joy of my own and I could see him embrace it as we lapsed into the same silence once again until Papa returned upon the terrace, looking exhausted. In his hand was the same green kite that had seen not just defeat, but the overthrowing of the monarchy as well. Ranveer looked stunned and baffled as he jumped off the ledge towards the inside while I followed suit, now curious.
Papa handed over the kite back to him that was slightly torn from the edges, a tired smile upon his face.
"This is the crown. Wear it with all your pride," said Papa in a fatherly tone. Ranveer coughed awkwardly in response, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Where did you get this from?"
"On a tree from three terraces across. A child had just brought it down," answered Papa, looking at the surprise on Ranveer's face with amusement.
Well, I wouldn't blame Ranveer for being that surprised because Papa had gone through such extraordinary trouble to fetch him the prize of his victory that even I was jealous of Ranveer for that minute. Maa and Papa had gifted me the gold and platinum pendant shaped like a leaf as a family heirloom for my eighteenth birthday and I was touched, but this was something else entirely.
This was bloody painstaking and energy-consuming trouble... Nobody does things like this for their own blood in today's selfish times and world. But Papa was different... Well, he was Papa. And so was Ranveer, and he deserved every bit of it. If the world refused to acknowledge who he was then he deserved the whole world's worth of attention from Papa. That's how much Ranveer's worth.
When Ranveer still hadn't snapped out of his trance, Papa pushed the kite ahead.
"Take it, it's yours to cherish."
Ranveer looked at Papa hesitantly before he took the kite into his eyes and gulped slowly, his eyes absorbing the wonder that he'd done just hours ago. The invincible vulture had been pulled from the sky by a ferreting red and black chipper. He looked up at Papa and smiled, and I could feel him shaking beside me. Papa patted his cheeks before Ranveer quickly disappeared for a minute, leaving both Papa and I confused.
He returned back a minute later, his own kite in hand that he'd pulled down from the sky successfully. He smiled at Papa as he put his kite upon his feet and bent to touch them as well. Papa looked too electrified for words as he swiftly pulled Ranveer up, along with the kite. Ranveer let Papa pull him for a hug as he whispered softly.
"This is my first Guru Dakshina to you, Mota Babuji."
Papa's eyes welled up a little as Ranveer smiled humbly, his eyes no longer meeting Papa's own in grace and respect. Papa pulled his face up and spoke proudly.
"I'm proud of you, Ranveer. This is just the beginning... You have a long way to go. Always be like this and nothing is going to deter you from getting what you want in life."
Ranveer nodded his head and caught the green kite in his hand firmly.
"I'm always going to keep this with me. I might even frame it," he joked uncertainly and both Papa and he laughed. But all the three of us knew that Ranveer was seriously going to do that. Sobering away quickly as the blues of the sky paved way for the inkiness to set in, Papa looked at both of us and spoke seriously.
"And I'm keeping this kite of yours with me as well. Now both of you go get freshened up. The sun has already set."
Ranveer and I both nodded our heads and made our way to our respective rooms without saying another word. We were both too lost in thought to say anything else and we still needed the events of the day to sink in.
Papa decided that it was just fireworks for us till we all went to sleep since nobody had the strength for an outing or for doing anything else. It was certainly an exhausting day and I think Ranveer and Papa needed all the rest as well, more so than all of us. I knew that a shower was what I required to snap me out of the slumber spell because it wouldn't have taken two minutes for me to fall asleep. But the fireworks I knew that I had to watch with Ranveer... If the whole world could celebrate his triumph, then I had the first right to enjoy it.
The moment I hit the shower, I could feel all my tiredness seep away with the trickling water drops, an urge to sleep threatening to befall my senses. And that's when I simply shut my eyes and let the simplicity of each moment claim me little by little. I liked life being this simple. Ranveer always tells me about how life is so simple and meaningful in the village with all the games they played and their small gatherings of families. And especially the week-ends of sorts that was just walking aimlessly upon the fields and climbing trees or else just sitting by the water side.
But that's a life of the past, he tells me several times. It's been eleven years and till this date he always tells me that he's an outsider in this city where bricks have more value than trees. And he always says that he's a poor tree that would mould its way to creating a grand shelter of God's will, not a brick born with a pre-written destiny of harbouring monotonous riches. Home is where the heart is, he explains whenever I ask him whether he'd choose his village or Mumbai if ever he had the option to live somewhere permanently.
I don't know what that means till date, but that's a nice way of dodging the question.
Although, Ranveer always tells me that he has a third world and that world matters the most to him. A third world that's just me. He's never known anyone apart from me and neither has he ever taken the courage to. I really wish that he didn't invest so much into me, but then again, haven't I done the same thing? But atleast I know that I can survive... maybe? But the point is, I keep getting so worried about him. What's to happen tomorrow when I get married? What happens if we have to separate tomorrow for some reason?
He's dependent upon me as though his life depends upon me and that frightens me sometimes. And then there's this silent responsibility that Papa has entrusted to me about Ranveer... This is all too terrifying at times when I think about it. I thought things would get better once I touched eighteen and thankfully they have. But now that I'm inching closer and closer towards the twenties, it's as though the fear of life and its uncertainties have suddenly decided to visit me all at once.
I wish that life would just be simple... Just all about climbing trees and visiting lake sides and enjoying the tresses of nature as they took us into their loving arms. Fantasies. Ranveer tells me that he'll teach me to climb trees someday... Someday. It's been ages since he's last climbed a mango tree himself and eaten the ripe fruit sitting on a tree. Where's our childhood gone, really?
When we were kids, we were so busy bearing the responsibilities and the pain of a grown up that we underestimated the power of what our childhood meant. But we've still managed to do justice to it as much as we could. But now that we're growing up so rapidly that it just feels like it was only yesterday when Ranveer and I met for the first time in his room when Baa had slapped him. And here we are today, nearly eleven years later. Our lives are incomplete without each other.
I wonder if we're ever going to survive without each other?
But Ranveer always tells me this whenever I get into one of those moods where everything makes me get paranoid. I don't know whether it's just him or the way he says it, but it gives me the assurance that he's going to be there at all times, with me and for me. He always takes my hand into his own as his gaze penetrates with an intensity that stupefies me. He cups my face with his other free hand and speaks with an honesty that's too strong to turn away from. To quote him, this is what often he promises:
"Ishaani, I want you to remember something for as long as you are alive. I may not live in myself, but I live in you. You may not be able to physically find me around you someday, but whenever you need me beside you, know that all you'd have to do is look within your heart... your soul. In your memories... in every single breath you take. We are not bound by any relationship... simply by each other's soul. I trust you to know and remember everything - everything I say, everything I do... until we meet again, someday."
How could I not take my reassurance from this when I can see how he means every single word of it? How can I not trust him when I know how much I mean to him? I may have broken his trust before, but he's never broken mine till date. I think I'd break if he ever betrayed my trust because he's the only person I've ever trusted so blindly in my whole life.
Oh my God, what am I even talking? I've got to stop deviating so much! Erm, coming back to what I was originally talking about, I finally freshened up and went back to the terrace to find everybody waiting up there for me, including Ranveer, who'd slipped into a white shirt and blue jeans. He'd taken the bandage off and had just left the band-aids on. He must have bled through the previous one. All of us sat quietly and stared at the fireworks, the lumiscent sparkles of colourful lights popping in sequences and different patterns every few seconds.
Ranveer and I sat beside each other holding each other's hand. That's what we did when we didn't know how to express ourselves in words. On those occasions, we just left our eyes to do the talking and our silence to do the job of comfort. Our hands simply found each other for solace... They always fit together in a comfortable grip so perfectly, it's like they were meant to be held within each other's.
Amidst all the sparkles and thrill, Ranveer held my hand firmly and God, I knew that it must have hurt him. But he didn't wince. Even without saying anything, he knew that something was weighing me down. But he still held my hand, knowing that I needed him beside me. How was I supposed to be his invisible benefactor when he could sense my distress in less than two minutes? How was I meant to be capable enough to hold his pain and miseries when I was so weak to face my own? How was I supposed to be there for him like the way he was there for me at all times?
But I'll be there for him, I'll make sure of that. No matter what happens. I'd promised him years ago that I was in it for the long haul. And that is one promise that I mean to fulfill until my last breath. I looked at Ranveer with the same determination but he was already staring at me, his signature smile plastered upon his face in an unknown understanding. It was as if he knew what was running in my mind. And I couldn't help but smile back in return even though my mind was in silent turmoil... It just escaped right from the bottom of my heart and fell upon my lips unabashedly.
He always knew how to make me smile with his smile. His smile always made me forget everything - all my pains, fears, inhibitions... everything. His smile filled all voids - a smile that could simply make you embrace happiness and the zest of living even if you didn't want to. It always made me spit away me anger in a matter of minutes, so overpowering it was at its prime. Just a smile from the heart, an exuberance from his eyes that made me realize just how beautiful life could really be.
Ishaani stopped writing as she felt her words to be overly familiar. Reading her entire entry again, she smiled to herself sheepishly as she realized why it was so. The pen found the paper once again in a closing statement that promised a fact that was not to be questioned again.
My smile certainly belongs to him.
Constructive criticism will be more than welcome and sorry for any typos. :D :D
Next chapter:
Epistle 63
Edited by LadyMeringue - 8 years ago
Geet - Hui Sabse Parayee
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