A/N: Hey there everyone! :D :D Here is the next update! :D :D
Happy Reading! :D :D
10th January, 2009:
Today, Chirag and I had our first argument as a couple.
Well, I know there's nothing great about that and well, I'm definitely mad at him still and am waiting for an apology. But yeah first argument as a couple. And it was such a stupid reason, really. But well, since when do arguments ever have sense in them, really? And any argument that I'm a part of has the special ability to lose sense in it usually, but this time I wasn't wrong.
I'm serious. I wasn't wrong.
Well, ever since Chirag and I told our respective families about the fact that we're in love with each other, there's been quite a rustle at both of our households. There's been more dinners, more secluded conversations between our families and several more cross conversations between him and my parents and me and his parents. So far, the response has been favourable from both sides and I think even Papa has gotten over his initial inhibition after he saw how happy I am with Chirag. Everything is perfect about the equation, except one thing.
Chirag's family wants the two of us to get engaged as soon as we can.
Both of our families don't mind the engagement like that, but Papa wants to wait for Ranveer to return and so do I, to be very honest. Ranveer's my best friend! How can I get engaged without him being there for me on my big day? The thought alone just seems so absurd! Papa has tried explaining it out to Chirag's family, but I'm not sure that they do understand, really. So today, I was trying to convince Chirag about the same thing when we were sitting in my room, studying.
"Do we really need to get engaged this soon?" I asked Chirag, and he gave me a bewildered look.
"What's the problem, sweetheart? I mean, we're just getting engaged. No one is talking about marriage right now," he replied, tucking my hair behind my ears. I gave him a hesitant smile.
"But Papa was telling about Ranveer-" I began, and I was quick to notice that Chirag suddenly stopped smiling the moment I took Ranveer's name.
It was not that Chirag really had a problem or anything with Ranveer. Quite the contrary, actually... but I don't know. Ever since we confessed about being in love, he gets really twitchy every time I mention Ranveer. Jealousy issues, Maa tells me. Boys are just plain weird. But anyway.
"Well, what about him?" asked Chirag, looking a little... alert, I think. I didn't fail to notice that his tone was a little sharp as well. But I knew that I had to get my point clarified.
There was no other way.
"Papa wants to wait till May atleast till he returns," I stated firmly, and just like I'd expected Chirag to react, he did.
"May? Mom and Dad will be flying to New York in May for nine months, so it's now or never," he replied in what I recognized was a conscious effort at a patience he didn't feel when it came to this.
"But Ranveer-" I began once again, but this time he chose to silence me by gently pressing his finger upon my lip, and well... it worked. He rubbed his thumb upon my lower lip slowly before his fingers redirected its way around my cheek in a cup.
"Ishaani, look. I know he's your best friend, but he's not the only relationship you have in this world either. You have to think about your future as well," explained Chirag kindly, hoping that I'd back down from my request.
But I couldn't. Well, this is Ranveer we are talking about! How do you expect me to get engaged without him over here on the most important day of my life?
"I understand, but-" I started for the third time, but this time Chirag retracted his hand away from my face, now looking a little aloof.
His reaction was enough to shut me up, and before I could think about speaking again, his eyes crashed against my own in a gaze that left me momentarily stunned as well.
"Ishaani, he hasn't called you up in three months! It's like he'said disappeared from the face of the Earth! No calls, no letters, no emails! You don't even have an emergency number listed!" he spoke in a pitch higher than his usual one and it did startle me, the creeping vexation that I could sense in his tone.
"Look, I'm sure there must be some reason. Ranveer would never do a thing like that," I tried to reason, but even deep down in my heart I knew that what Chirag was saying was right somewhere.
Whatever may have been the reason, it did not justify the fact that Ranveer hadn't contacted me in so long a time and had just disappeared without a trace!
"Ishaani, you've got to come out into the real world. You've got to stop relying upon Ranveer for everything," remarked Chirag with reproach evident in his voice.
And well, it suddenly irked me. Come what so may, this is Ranveer that he was talking about! Ranveer would never do a thing like that or just walk out on me. And I wasn't just going to sit there hear Chirag go on about Ranveer like a tattle-tale.
"What do you mean?" I asked him sharply as I stood up from the bed, and so did he.
"You've got to stop trusting him so blindly! People who trust this blindly often end up falling face first upon the ground," he warned me, and well... I just felt my temper flare up a little more.
It was one thing voicing my insecurities out like that so blatantly like that, but the fact that Chirag was just wildly guessing into the air since I haven't told him about my deepest fears and insecurities till now only seemed to make me angrier for some reason. He was just assuming things, and I hate people who just 'assume' without knowing the whole story. And so, I knew that I had to make a few points very loud and clear for him to understand, leaving aside the fact that I still loved him very much.
"That may be others. This is Ranveer. And I want my best friend with me on my big day. Period. I'm not going to take the decision without him either," I added rather childishly, I think.
Chirag simply snorted at my remark, suddenly looking less than pleased with the way the conversation was going between the two of us.
"Is this how it will always be - him before me?" he asked suddenly, and I felt my blood go cold.
This was not something that I was expecting AT ALL, and the way he put it just threw me off my balance. Something pricked my conscience as it squirmed uncomfortably underneath his scrutiny. It was as though he knew what was going through my mind in that precise minute.
"Who said that now?" I asked him evasively, hoping that things would getting any worse from this point forth but experience has taught me better by now. Whenever I say things like that, they always do. And well, Chirag's next statement was proof enough.
"Hasn't it always been so? Whatever I do, it's always how Ranveer does it this way or Ranveer does it that way. Whenever I state facts or ways that are right, it's always how Ranveer's way was better or how he is right, no matter what," he complained, and all I could do was huff in indignation.
That was so not true! Or... was it, really?
"What's your problem really?" I asked, now finally letting the temper get to the better of me.
I wouldn't just have Chirag stand there with that stupid smile upon his face that marked a victory we both knew that he'd ultimately scored by the end of the fight. But to be honest, I couldn't care less because this was Ranveer in question over here. I wouldn't hear a word against him, even if it was true and my heart knew it.
"I don't have a problem with Ranveer, Ishaani. I really don't because he's a great guy. But I'm just tired of him being in between the two of us all the time. You trust him more than you trust me and sometimes, I even think that should the time come to save either one of us, you'd actually save him rather than me," replied Chirag and I gasped.
Whether out of shock or anger, I didn't know. I'd never given this much thought before, but now that I did, I couldn't help but come to the uneasy conclusion that maybe... perhaps just maybe, Chirag might be right. I'd choose Ranveer afterall. But I couldn't give Chirag the satisfaction of knowing that he was right. So I did the next best thing that I could - try to turn the tables on him. The point of our argument we'd both long since departed from.
This was now about our ego.
"Yes, I would. And I thought you were okay with that. Or was that just words? Chirag, Ranveer's my best friend. My only friend," I emphasized and this time, he gasped as though scorched by my words. We both glared daggers at each other, giving me an unsympathetic look now.
"What have I been then for all this time? Your muse till he returns?" he asked me, and I could sense the frustration and ire in his tone.
My heart did feel immensely guilty of speaking like that to him after everything he's done for me, and I suddenly felt my anger deflate. I didn't want to argue with him and upset him like that.
"Chirag, you're taking this all wrong. I love you!" I pleaded but the damage was already done. He looked too put off to even take in my words of love seriously at that moment, far more reciprocate it.
"Then why the hesitancy in getting engaged?" he shot back and I bit my tongue.
To be honest, even I didn't know why I was so hesitant. But if there was on thing I was clear upon in my mind, it was that I wouldn't be getting engaged without Ranveer beside me. Period.
"Look, I want to get engaged to you as well, alright? But it won't feel right without Ranveer!" I yelled out in response, and Chirag simply shook his head looking upset. I didn't like making him so, but he was just not willing to understand!
"You know what makes me sad? I wish that he cared as much for you in return," he spoke in a hard voice and made to leave the room when I caught him hand and pulled him back.
I could suddenly feel my temper flare up again with what he just said, and needless to say, he realized what he'd let slip too because the next moment, he looked uncomfortable.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked him, not bothering about whether I sounded rude or no.
Chirag gave me a good long look before the hesitancy left his eyes, and along with it strode something that looked like purpose to me.
"I know that he's sacrificed a lot for you, but had I been in his place, I'd have never left you alone at the time he did," he replied coldly and I could see that he really meant it. And that just made my blood boil to a whole new level.
No one spoke things like that in front of me and got away with it.
"That's none of your business, so shut up," I exclaimed rather rudely and the smile that Chirag gave me just sizzled through my heart like acid. He was anticipating this precise reaction from me and I gave it to him on a silver platter.
"The truth hurts, Ishaani. And the faster you see it and accept it, the better," he spoke in a word of advice, but by now I was mad enough to not even give a damn about it. I just wanted to hit him, but I controlled my urge with great difficulty.
"You know what? This conversation is done," I told him stiffly and he gave me a halfhearted smile.
Walking towards the door, he just stopped to tell me one statement before he left the room with the leering echo of his words. I knew that they were true somewhere down the line because they were thoughts that had begun cropping in my mind from the last few weeks now.
"Give it a thought. If you want to get engaged, fine. If not, I guess there's nothing else that I can say, is there?" was I think the exact phrase that he told me before slamming the door shut behind him, snapping me out of all my anger.
Oh, I'm so, so, so mad at him! How couldn't I be, when he just raked open all of my wounds and my fears and my inhibitions at once and walked away thinking that he's done some sort of an achievement?! Doesn't he see that this is exactly what I've been trying not to fear in this one year? What if Ranveer finds someone better than me as his friend? What if he forgets me? What if he likes Sydney so much that he never returns? What if he just decides to walk out upon me when I need him the most?
Oh, I know it's even stupid to think things like this but what do I do if the thoughts just don't stop to seem rolling into my head at every free moment I have like a stupid slideshow? And with Ranveer's line unavailable and the whole hoopla hoop that's been happening with regards to the zero-communication, I just don't know what to think anymore since I'm just running out of excuses for him now!
And then, Chirag just waltzs in about the engagement and tells me the exact things that I've been fearing about... And what the hell was that whole thing about me always prioritizing Ranveer upon him? What the heck was he playing at? And seriously, even he knows that it isn't true! It isn't, it isn't and it isn't! How could he even insinuate something like that?! I could never compare the two of them like that. Well, Ranveer is my best friend and he'll always be first for me that way, be it for friendship or trust. But why doesn't Chirag see that I love him and he means the world to me?
But no, he just wants to play Mr. Obnoxious!
Ugh, I so hate Chirag right now!
-x-
24th January, 2009:
Another day bites the dust.
But like the usual mundane ones, today was kind of interesting. Maybe it was because I had a blast making a fool of Chirag. The poor soul doesn't know heads or tails about paintings, and so that's why it's even more fun to pull his legs on this. I didn't lie to him about anything per se, except about Ranveer's painting, that's all. And the discussion we had out of it was pretty amusing too.
So well, I'll plough on right ahead and tell you what happened.
Well, after our whole argument two weeks back, we patched up and Chirag managed to sit me down calmly and explain his point of view, which doesn't even seem so wrong now that I think about it. Just a small ceremony, nothing to make a big issue out of. Just us getting engaged because we're both so madly in love with each other. The engagement will help us get a little serious about each other and will give both of us a chance to know about each other more as well. And Chirag wants to marry me and only me. That much he is certain about.
If it's not me, it's no one else either.
He even apologized for the other day and how he'd spoken some really unreasonable things in his anger that was just his insecurity of losing me. Well, after I cooled down and gave it all a good thought, I couldn't see why Chirag would even think so, but the fact that I meant that much to him just kind of dissipated my anger as well. I mean come on, we all talk crap when we are angry and he was just watching out for me... I can understand that. That's just his way of showing his love. And somewhere down the line, I do see the positives outweighing the cons of getting engaged in the long run.
And that's why I agreed to get engaged as soon as Chirag wanted us to. I must have given Chirag hell before agreeing to get engaged, but I had to finally cave in to him. How could I not, really, when he was putting his entire heart and soul into this relationship? But well, since I said yes and agreed for the engagement, Papa also agreed about the same. Papa did say that I'd probably have to cancel my plans about the US, but it was a risk worth taking for Chirag. And you know what the best thing is? Chirag tells me that he'll convince Papa hook or by crook about sending me to the US.
But well, today was not about that. Chirag and I were sitting in my room, talking about Papa's painting collection since he managed to buy one more from the art gallery yesterday during the exhibition at the highest bid that went around the room the previous night - seven crores. All of us were there and it was a magnificent swoop that Papa made, and both Chirag and I were in awe of the painting. It was a Picasso, Papa's first. Chirag has always been in awe of Papa's painting collections ever since he first heard Papa rave about the Vermeer he had acquired from an international bid for it a year ago, and since then he's been just as hooked into keeping track of all the paintings we have.
And that's how this became the topic for our discussion this afternoon.
"How many years has Harshad Uncle even been collecting these painting from?" asked me Chirag in the middle of when I was discussing about why I'd quit painting suddenly.
Well... I'd just lost the heart to paint anymore and express so much that it took away a little of my soul alongside. It was... overwhelming, those three months of madness with the paintings. I couldn't afford to lose my sanity behind them.
"I don't know, but it's been atleast three decades. Collected paintings from many places round the world," I replied eagerly and Chirag nodded his head like a curious child.
God, he was just so adorable!
"They must all cost a fortune, these paintings. An easy half-a billion, I think, especially seeing how you say that Uncle's even got a Van Gogh!" he exclaimed not unlike a fan girl and I couldn't help but roar out with laughter at time.
To be honest, it was rather funny, the way he was all excited about it. He didn't know the 'A' of art, and yet his enthusiasm about the names associated with the paintings in our house could beat both mine and Papa's as well. Papa just cannot stop yapping about his paintings to Chirag and really loves the rapt attention with which he listens to all those long explanations on the paintings.
"Oh yeah, Papa's collection is pretty rare like that, and certainly very, very expensive," I commented, and Chirag let out a slow whistle.
"How do you differentiate between whether a painting is real or fake? I mean, for all we know, these could be fakes too," he stated, and I couldn't help but shoot him an amused look.
How do such ideas come to him really beats me. But like Ranveer would always tells me, it's always the geniuses who are cracked. And Chirag was certainly a genius and I could see it with the way he was implementing his ideas into his father's business already.
"Oh, there's a lot of different tests and samplings done for that. The quality of the paper and its age, the age of the colours used, the seal of the painter, and then there's always the classic trademarks," I replied after giving his question a good thought.
But if anything, he looked even more curious now.
"But that's when you're making a serious buy, right? The layman would absolutely not know any difference unless it's taken into close scrutiny," he said and well, he did make a good point.
A real and a fake if done well were as good as the same in the eyes of a layman. It was only a real artist who could understand the difference between the strokes and the difference between a genuine painting and an imitation.
"Yeah, that's true enough. I again don't know about all the paintings out there, because this is just a hobby with me and I know only as much as I've read. Usually people specializing with ancient arts and paintings have a much deeper knowledge about all of this," I explained to Chirag and he gave me a satisfied nod as he put his head upon my lap.
I gave him a small kiss upon his forehead before beginning to stroke his hair. I loved doing that.
"So you're saying that tomorrow if someone replaces the real paintings in your house with a fake one, you won't even come to know?" asked Chirag, looking at me with an intrigue that matched the one I felt at his question. I swear he could join the FBI with the kind of brains he had.
"Could be, since paintings are such a thing that we tend to overlook in our day to day life when we're so busy running around all over the place. But still, it'd be difficult to fool me since I've lived with these paintings for as long as I can remember them," I replied cautiously, giving my answer good thought especially since this was such a curious topic that we were discussing.
"You know, you've told me about all the paintings in the house except this one. Whose is this?" he asked me, pointing towards Ranveer's painting.
I looked at that painting and blushed in spite of myself. Well, that painting is my life. The deepest and most intimate connection between Ranveer and myself apart from the promise band upon my ring finger that has our names etched upon it with the inscription 'Always Forever'. Chirag knows the story behind the bands, not the one behind that painting.
I must have told him everything about Ranveer, our friendship and our complexity-filled equation in general. But somehow, I don't know why I've never told him about the painting before and the story that went behind it. Maybe it was because it was too personal - that it was something that only Ranveer and I were meant to share and no one else. Not even Chirag. And that's why, I preferred keeping it that way. I was too selfish to share away the breathtaking essence of that painting by giving away its story. It was just between Ranveer and myself, what happened that night.
Even my parents don't know what happened till this date that night that pushed Ranveer back into the warmth of life from the dreaded cage of death. And Ranveer and I prefer keeping it that way. And that's why, I knew that this story wasn't meant to be shared with anyone. But that didn't mean that I couldn't give him a gist about how much that painting meant to me.
"This, Chirag, is the most precious painting in the house," I replied, and the pride in my voice along with the emotion didn't go amiss by him.
He sat up straight at the change in my voice, looking surprised.
"Even more precious than Van Gogh?" he asked, and I could hear the slight disbelief in his voice as though wondering how come Papa hadn't told him about this masterpiece. But well, his reactions were only making this more and more fun for me to play along with.
"Even more precious than that, yes," I repeated and his mouth fell open in an 'O'.
"Picasso? Monet? Da Vinci? Michaelangelo? Rembrandt?" he tried to guess, and I had to bite my cheek hard in order to prevent myself from laughing.
Well, this painting was worth much, much more than all of this really. And the nostalgia about Ranveer that I keep getting every time I lay eyes upon that painting... if only he'd call once! All I have to do is calm myself with the band I wear upon my finger and comfort my heart of his presence along with the wind-chimes that he's given me. Those two are my only true souvenirs from him apart from the memories. Oh, the countless fading memories...
"No. Those all I've shown you already," I replied hastily when Chirag snapped his fingers at me to bring me out from my long line of thoughts.
I shook my head and stuck my tongue out to him, hoping that he wouldn't catch upon my line of thoughts. Thankfully, he didn't. He was too busy trying to think about the artist in question and the worth of the painting.
"Vermeer? Renoir? Caravaggio?" he asked further and I shook my head in a resolute negative.
"No, no and no," I replied and Chirag let out an impatient huff, not unlike a child.
"Who has this been painted by?" he asked me finally, not able to think about any more painters now that he'd exhausted his list of the very few artists he knew in the first place all thanks to Papa.
I looked at the painting and spotted Ranveer's signature at the bottom of the the canvas scrawled in a silent signature that was inscrutinable to the naked eye since it blended with the grains of the sand. And suddenly, I was reminded of an amateur painter from the 19th Century whose painting Ranveer had liked in one of the art exhibitions that he's been to with Papa before his accident at the factory. The two of us had raved on and on about that painting in particular that was given birth to in the Romanticism era.
"Samuel Palmer," I replied finally, the name of the artist upon my lips readily now.
Nobody could read the scrawl of the signature and understand the name written upon it except myself. And then again, the quotes engraved around the frame were what exemplified the beauty of the story even more.
"Who?" asked Chirag, looking bewildered.
"Samuel Palmer," I repeated and Chirag shrugged his shoulders.
"Never heard of him," he stated in a small voice.
I finally stretched my feet long and swung them off from the bed after sitting cross-legged for more than half an hour.
"He was an amateur painter of the Romanticism era. Specialized in landscapes. Late 19th Century," I profiled and this time, he gave me a much keener nod.
"I don't see what's so special about the painting, really," remarked Chirag after some time, during which both of us stared at the painting in silence - me in reverence, he in oblivion.
"Everything is. And as to why it is special, you won't understand. But this is the most precious one in the whole household," I repeated as I stood up and walked towards the painting, letting my fingertips brush through the coarse canvas whose colours marked a reality brighter than this one.
"Wow, I guess that's how art works then," whispered Chirag softly as his arm trailed along my waist and he turned me towards me. I blushed furiously as I tried taking his arms off.
"Yep, and that's why if you're planning on robbing these paintings, you better not touch this one. I'd forgive you for even stealing away Van Gogh, but not this. And I will hunt you down and tear you limb for limb if you try to escape with this," I stated suddenly in mock warning as I gave up and threw my arms around his neck, giving him a sly smile in return.
"Wow, that mad about this painting, aren't you?" he asked, looking halfway torn between amusement and actual fear that I might carry out what I'd just threatened to.
"Well, I'll tear the world apart if anything happens to it," I replied casually but I think my eyes still held that same fire.
Ranveer would call it a demented bat look since that fire even seemed to scare him away, but well... I'd just call it love. Strong, protective love for that painting. Till this date I don't know why I love it so much, but I do. And the threats I'd definitely carry out.
"Got your point, pumpkin," replied Chirag in a soft whisper as he kissed the button of my nose, and I flushed a deeper shade of crimson.
But before he could even think about going forward with anything else or before I could try pushing him away, his phone buzzed. His father had called him to the office as early as he could make it because of an urgent meeting that had popped up on the agenda. He quickly kissed my forehead and bid me a hurried goodbye, promising to give me a call once the meeting was done with.
I quickly dropped Chirag to his car and returned back home to find Papa standing right by the doorpost, looking at me lovingly. I think I did have a rather stupid smile upon my face that only got sillier until I had to hug Papa to hide that smile away. Both of us remained like that for a few minutes before Papa whispered to me slowly.
"You're really in love with him now, aren't you?"
I broke away from the hug slowly and nodded my head, too coy to meet eyes with him. Papa however raised my chin and made me meet eyes with him, his expression still a little unfathomable for me. But his face quickly relaxed into a smile, and so did mine when he said the next sentence.
"How would you like your engagement to be on the 8th next month? It'll make for a good birthday present, no?"
-x-
8th February, 2009:
I can't believe that I'm engaged!
It still feels so surreal. I mean, I'm no longer just Ishaani Parekh! I'm someone's fiancee now! Wow, and well... I still can't believe it. I mean, it feels so silly, really because I still don't feel like I'm engaged. And its not even as though the ring is a new addition upon my finger. It's just Ranveer's promise band being exchanged with my engagement ring that is considerably lighter on my finger like that, but otherwise, it all just feels the same.
Ofcourse it isn't the same though. This officiates the relationship between Chirag and myself - lovers to become life partners soon. When would the soon come though, I have no idea. But yes, we were on the way towards that 'soon'. Papa and Maa were pretty thrilled today, especially since everything went off so well and without any drama whatsoever, which is a first. And for once, Baa was at her beast behaviour rather than roaming about the place with that usual sulk. For someone who's been sour about Chirag and my relationship right from day one, she did look a little too happy today, but I guess she's just happy to get shot of me.
Well, the feelings are mutual really, so I can't say that I blame her. But leaving everything aside, the function was pretty good on the whole. It was a simple engagement with just both of your families and that's it. Not too much of a hullabaloo on both Chirag's as well as my insistence. We both want a simple marriage without much fuss, especially without wasting money unnecessarily. And thankfully, both our families did comply with our request, so we couldn't have been any happier.
And since it is my birthday today, it became a double bonanza for me! I think this must hands down be my best birthday ever because I've actually gotten Chirag himself as a gift for it. The biggest gift of my life. My friend, my lover, my soul mate. And I couldn't have felt luckier than I did today with Chirag standing beside me as my to-be life partner. I must have done some really good deeds in my previous life to have a person like Chirag who loves me so much.
If there was only one thing that I'll terribly regret about this day though, it'll be not having Ranveer by my side. I wanted him to be here for the engagement. I mean, how couldn't I? He's my best friend! He's been there through thick and thin for me, living through all my moments and occasions of happiness and grief alike. Then how couldn't he have been there on the most important day of my life, holding my hand and telling me that everything was going to be alright?
But he wasn't. And I'll have to live with the fact. Had he been here, I'd have had so many confessions to make to him by now - my fears, my inhibitions, my doubts, my excitement, my anxieties... everything! But I just don't know where he is! No phone, no letter, no email! He hasn't even replied to the last three letters I've sent him as well! And neither has he even called for my birthday this time! Atleast if Kaka and Kaki would have made it for the engagement I'd have asked them about it. But since they're on a yatra right now...
I'm getting worried about him.
But honestly, if there's one thing that's kept me sane through all the excitement and apprehensions of the day, it's been Chirag. I mean he's just been brilliant, right from handling everything at home and all of us crazily excited cousins to tackling our parents. He's just been astounding! He's the pet of everyone at home, and I couldn't have been luckier to be marrying Chirag. And as I watched him the entire day today, I could only thank my stars to have given me a guy like Chirag who loved me as madly as he did.
Honestly, I can't wait for May till Ranveer gets his degree and comes back to Mumbai! There's just so, so, so much to tell him and know his views about! But you know, I think I'm going to give him a surprise. My exams will get over by April anyway, so I'm planning to go to Sydney in May during his convocation. It'll be the best surprise of his life as well! I'm sure that the reason he hasn't called up in these many months is because he must be drowning with his studies and his job and it must be one hell of a job for him to multi-task it all.
But atleast he could have replied to me once so that I wouldn't worry. I guess maybe Chirag is right - priorities change with time. But never mind, it's just a matter of three months now before Ranveer comes back to Mumbai and then perhaps things can go back to the way they were once we meet each other. He'll definitely be going back to Sydney for another six months of his internship, but I think once we meet each other, I'm sure that things can go back to the way they used to be. Distance afterall does make the heart grow fonder.
But well, his priorities might have changed, but not mine. And that's why, I'm going to go to Sydney for his convocation and it's going to be a surprise. Well, I've spoken it out to Papa and he seems to agree. I was planning on taking Chirag with me as well but he seems reluctant, so I think I'll go alone only. Papa himself wants to come to Sydney but his schedule is so jam-packed these days that he's finding it increasingly difficult to get any free time at all. I think more than myself, he's actually looking forward for Ranveer to return back over here so that some of the difficulties with the portfolios can be sorted out.
Chirag is helping Papa unofficially as much as he can but somehow, nothing seems to be working. Papa says that Ranveer's touch is made of gold, whatever he touches becomes a goldmine investment be default. Sigh, I don't know why but I'm really missing Ranveer today, you know? I haven't missed him like this in a long, long time (well, I've hardly spoken about him in this past one year!) but somehow, I don't know... something feels missing. Maybe it's because I've taken off the ring from my finger.
I haven't even realized how important that ring was, or maybe how it was because of the ring that maybe I'd managed to control my spiralling emotions to a certain extent. Maybe it was what kept Ranveer close to my heart, like a guardian. But today, the moment I took off that ring to accommodate Chirag's... I don't know, it felt... odd. As though I was stripping away something very, very intimately close to my heart and was putting my heart out in the open cold winds, exposed. I don't know why, but Chirag's ring doesn't feel so warm like Ranveer's did.
Maybe Chirag's right. I need to sort out my own priorities and need to stop comparing him with Ranveer for everything. I think I need to decide finally and at long last who gets more priority in my life from this point forth. Ranveer is the most integral part of my life and will always be so because everything's interlinked back to him, including my existence and my soul in the first place. But Chirag is the love of my life and my heart belongs only with him, and I've got to stop being so fickle-minded about my emotions.
Maybe I think I should complete that last painting that I was supposed to gift Ranveer when he returned back fro, Sydney. Maybe that's what's holding me back till date from fully trusting Chirag like the way I trust Ranveer because... well, maybe Chirag is right. Ranveer's been in between the two of us for too long, and it's beginning to have its side-effects upon our relationship too. It was different when we were friends and I'd go on and on about Ranveer and revere him, but Chirag and I share a much deeper and meaningful relationship now.
And maybe that's why I think that it's time that I stopped being so stuck upon Ranveer. He made his choice and I made my own a year and four months back. He's clearly moved on in life, and I guess I should as well. Maybe I need to take the mysterious 'Love's' advice and let it go. Let go of the past and embrace my future with all my heart, mind and soul. My mind is definitely giving me the go sign, and my heart is pretty compliant with my brain for the first time ever as well... but what's bothering my soul?
The essence... I can't believe that this unknown essence that I keep seeking is still bothering me because I still can't find it! Everything's going perfect... much more so than my whole life together could ever be. And yet there's something still tugging at my conscience, making it squirm in discomfort at times when I let my mind wander away through the wee hours of the night. That same creeping emptiness... The same thirst for that unknown essence to fill me up whole just like I'd feel till before Ranveer left for Sydney.
It's as though I lost that mysterious essence when Ranveer left for Sydney and I've been in search of it ever since, but till now I've not been able to find it. Chirag's embraces and presence gives me the warmth I want, the love and passion I want, but not the essence I'm seeking out in the dark. I obviously haven't told Chirag about this because we as it is have unresolved issues without adding on with something as silly as not being able to find some unknown essence.
But I should be able to trust Chirag with things like this, right?
I mean, he's my fiance! If I don't trust him with things like this, then who will I trust them with? Don't take me wrong, I trust Chirag. I trust him with my life, at that. But I don't know... it's still taking me time to come over my trust issues in things like this. The only person who I can ever trust with my eyes closed and know that he'd never, ever take advantage of my deepest secrets and insecurities ever is Ranveer. Not at any cost. Maybe it'll take time to establish that trust with Chirag. These things definitely take time, right? And Chirag and I just know each other for little above a year only so far.
Yeah, I guess that's it. It'll certainly take time to reach the level where Ranveer and I are upon now with Chirag. Thirteen years certainly is a long, long time... But then again like Ranveer always told me, it's a leap of faith - trust. You have to take the leap to see where it's going to take you. My faith in Ranveer has always been unparalleled. Even in my most daunting of nightmares can't I ever imagine him breaking my trust, and maybe that's why I've built my entire sanctity and life upon that trust - in the faith that it'll never, ever break because... well, it's Ranveer.
Yeah, I just need time to build that kind of trust with Chirag before I tell him about this stupid essence thing. And then again, before that there's the whole 'oh, you always would choose Ranveer above me' thing to tackle as well. How I wish I didn't always end up messing things up like the way I do, or atleast I had Ranveer by my side to get me out from the mess like always.
Oh, I just can't wait to meet Ranveer in May now!
The two of us definitely need to talk.
Constructive criticism will be more than welcome and sorry for any typos. :D :D
Next chapter:
Epistle 95
