Epistle 6: Breaking Through the Horizon
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29th May, 1996:
Every new phase in your life is a new chapter that is meant to be explored to the fullest.
Somewhere along this one year, I had given up on anything good happening to me. I had drowned myself deep into the realms of aloofness and detachment, from a place where I thought there was no coming out of. The darkness pleases me immensely, making me find a strange burning solace in it, something that defines a cut of my existence. It's like a companion... like a dangerous friend.
I have always heard about friendship and how it can transform a person into something else completely - something beautiful, something pure. I did not believe that it could ever happen to me, though. I was a black rose who grew with a lot of excruciating thorns that made people recoil away from me. I could not be loved because people left me if I got too close. It was something that I'd accepted myself as; something that the society unconsciously made me feel.
It was the precise reason why I never let anyone get too close. My delicate heart was too weak to bear the betrayal of a loved one, especially knowing the fact that I was the cause of it. Some might think it folly on the part of an eight-year old girl to conceive of such thoughts, but sometimes, an eight-year old could have gone through a lifetime of unhappiness for the life she had lived up until then.
The interior of my heart was only to remain mine, where nobody could know what demons lurked. Those were mine alone to battle, mine alone to endure. Nobody could share my burdens for me, and neither could anyone infuse happiness into me. I was a lost cause. A closed book never to be opened; forever meant to remain isolated from life.
You must think so low of me, I know. But then again, I know that you will never judge me for who I am, unlike the society who has made me what I am. Deep, deep below, I still have my unused innocence screaming out to me to embrace it. To let go of my mature iron wall and let the red love blossom in my black heart, but it isn't possible. Or so I believed.
Until I met Ranveer.
I don't know how he managed to dismantle me the way he did. When I befriended him four months ago, it was because I wanted him to have friend he could always rely and trust. I wanted him to have a person who understood the harsh realities of life just as much as I did, who could give him a shoulder when he needed it the most.
But it was only as I got to know him more did I realize that I was thoroughly mistaken. It was not he who needed me, it was I who needed him. I realized this within a few days of our friendship that I craved for his company just as much as he did. We didn't become the best of buddies in the first shot, but it was the company that we so craved. Silence reigned supreme most of the times between us, yet there was a comfort that couldn't be explained.
But as any gradual relationship had it, even we commenced conversations, first purely academic based and then opening up on our personal lives. We got along instantly and gradually opened up to each other much more, a blind trust accompanying it. There is something about the way he looks at me that gives me this strange assurance that my trust is well-placed and that this is going to be one relationship that I can bank upon to make me see daylight.
But then again, my friendship with Ranveer changed a lot more than I expected. A lot within me.
Life suddenly seemed a happier place, the world a better refuge. I found solace in him and him in me. The members of the household didn't matter anymore as long as we had each other. There were several instances in those two months when Ranveer faced similar treatment and I faced insults from the family household on being illegitimate, everyone's true colours coming out, but it didn't really matter. All that matter was that we had each other.
The kids of the house had gotten nicer with myself and Ranveer as they got to know us better and I appreciated it. They knew the kind of things their parents told about us, but that didn't stop them from liking us. And then there was Harshad Uncle. Things with him were going much more smoothly than I expected it to go and I was happy with it. Surprisingly, Harshad Uncle was very happy that I had made such good friends with Ranveer, and seemed to have a genuine liking for the boy. And I was secretly happy that he approved of our friendship.
But Ranveer did much more than only be my friend. He broke through my wall. A wall that I had so precariously built that even my mother had difficulty piercing through it. And goodness knows that it must have hurt him. Perhaps it was his bleeding heart that gave colour to my black one and let it bloom. Perhaps it was the power of his friendship and loyalty that made something change within me.
And for the first time in years, I did not fear facing the light. I could feel the bouts of innocence nagging at me stronger, my maturity beginning to fade along with the darkness. The dangerous friend was beginning to leave me as life now gave me a real one. I felt prepared to navigate my way through the same route of childhood that I had abandoned, to find myself back on the crossroad where I could willingly choose oblivion over pretense.
Ranveer and I still don't behave like the best of friends - simply two people who helped cleanse each other's wounds. Or so he did so far. Ironically, he is still very guarded about his heart, and impossible as it is, he has an even stronger fence around his heart than mine. He is smart, the boy is, for he lets me pour my feelings into him yet keeps me apart from his own.
But I know that one day soon, I'll break that wall apart heal that fragile heart that's to bear so much in this brutal world. I'll be there to hold him when he falls. I'll be there to stem the flow of his blood when he bleeds. I'll be there to lend my shoulder when he's tired of being strong. And I'll be there to stand strong when he falls weak.
For the first time in all these years, I see the glimmer of the faintest of lights touching my heart, knowing that things will be alright. For the first time in all these years, I now know that the horizon will now break through my own darkness eventually.
Constructive criticism will be more than welcome and sorry for any typos. :D :D
Next chapter:
Epistle 7
Edited by LadyMeringue - 8 years ago
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