Epistle 35: The Pain of a Lifetime
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4th April, 2001:
Just like every night's feverish torment, today's remained no different at the start. The usual mindless wandering through the mundane lanes of thought and despair were what I found myself painfully trapped into until I finally sought relief from that world, only to fall into another one. My singular source of solace and fear alike. For weeks now I was held captive in the snow, but with every passing day my blood kept tainting white into red a little more, until that's all what remained.
But tonight was different.
Pain was a very curious thing indeed. One moment, it's all there; the next moment, it isn't. The aspects of pain are something vast and undelved into, yet the mortal agony of it acts as a barrier, not allowing for any reach to touch its root. And somehow, as I stand here today, I find myself brimming with pain yet devoid of any.
It's curious how I can feel two contrasting and stark emotions at the same time, yet here it is. I'm bound by chains that make my limbs bleed faster and cruder; it hurts more a little more every time I put up a fight. The pain sends me into an oblivious abyss of insanity, and yet this is where I feel the sanest. My mind is somehow constantly troubled and desperate, even though peace is all that my heart aches for.
If only my soul would stop shivering.
But even before I can think about taking control of myself, Love comes in front of me. Her face is still hidden from me, but this time there was neither any mist nor any veil. It's hidden from me because of the blood her entire face is covered with. But the state of her is what frightens me the most. She is no longer the beautiful woman that I once saw her to be - she is still beautiful, but her clothes are torn and tattered. I notice that she is bleeding from several places as well, and she doesn't look steady at all. From all that I can make out, she has lost a lot of blood.
She stands before me, her form slightly shivering while I can only stare at her, aghast. The world that I find myself captivated into today was neither cold, nor aloof, nor calm. It was a realm of pain. A bleeding red realm of pain, where only red and black consisted like a dreaded mountain-side with the bloodiest sunset, until the air around turned crimson and I found drops of blood falling upon the two of us. My own blood. The air is bitter and painful where even breathing feels laborious, while the winds screech along like a person crying out in excruciating pain. I feel like yelling at the top of my lungs, but I'm tired. It's as though the place is sapping the life out from me.
I try to break free from the bonds, but the pain is too strong. I know that if I don't break forth from them now, they'll snuff the breath out from me. And I have to save Love! I have to save her at any cost! Even before I can cry out in defeat or let my body submit to the cruel pain I was being subject to, Love fell upon her knees with a soft stud. I let out a shriek in spite of myself.
I yank harder and harder, but it only makes me bleed more until I find the world dissolving around me. This time, there is no relief, no walking away from the pain. I'm immersed into it. I am pain, and pain is me. I look down to see Love wheezing and rasping for breath, and I suddenly stop trying to put up a fight at all. And the moment I do, I notice that Love stops gasping for breath along with a daunting realization - I was the one killing her. She looks up at me, her starch black eyes find my own beseeching ones as she whispers painfully.
"You know what to do..."
I look at her as I see a tear escape from her eyes for the first time since I had known her. And the pain resurfaces into my heart again with such a force, I'm certain that I would explode. My heart was already dying with pain, and so was Love. She asks me to let my pain ebb away, but the more I try, the more she squirms and writhes in pain. I know that I must break out from the bounds somehow, but exactly how I was to do it was beyond me.
And just like that, I close my eyes. If saving Love meant bearing all the pain that the realm could offer, I was ready to do that. I was ready to accept my fate. If the option was between Love and myself, I'd rather be the one to die. And I would do so happily. I would not stand bound to chains and see her breathe her last in front of my eyes. No, I would never let that happen.
What happened to me the next moment is something no mortal man can describe, for there is no way to describe what happened. It was as though someone had thrown me into an endless abyss of pain where there was no beginning or end. Just me; just pain. I don't know whether we were infused together or were meant to survive as separate strands, but never in my life have I ever felt this way. Every nano-second meant an infusion of excruciating pain that was seamless to measure, until death ultimately felt easier. Yes, it would have been easier.
The moment my eyes open, I realize that the bonds around my limbs had fallen off as I crash upon the ground, my knees too weak to hold me up any longer. I can see blood around everywhere, but my eyes are only upon Love, who is barely breathing as she's fallen upon the ground, staring at me semi-conscious. I pull her into my lap and hold her hand within mine, while she lets her free hand find my cheek slowly.
"Save yourself... please..." she croaks out breathlessly as she strokes my cheek lightly, her eyes already beginning to close.
"How?" I ask her weakly as I find my own world dissolving around me, the only essence keeping me attached to it being Love's hand.
"You must let your pain ebb away..." she wheezes out slowly as her eyes shut, and her head falls limply to her other side. I can only stare at her horrified for a moment before the black in my world begins to overpower my senses, while I distinctly feel my head fall upon something. I stare faintly at the crimson sky above me as the bloody rain only grows stronger, until I shut my eyes and let my pain ebb away, along with my own self.
I feel my eyes open once again and accustom itself to the darkness around me until I realize that I'm back into my room. Alone. Maa and Baba have left for the Vaishnao Devi Temple to pray for my health, leaving me under the care of Mota Babuji and Falguni Maa for the first time in three months. It's been two days. Mota Babuji and Falguni Maa take care of me more than even Ishaani and Disha and keep in mind all of my needs and wants. How can I ever repay them if I only keep adding on to their burdens?
Right now, I turn my head around only for my eyes to fall upon the empty canvas of paper that still remains erect upon the stand. It was what Falguni Maa had gifted me for Holi - a symbolism to start filling my life with colours again. How could I ever find colour in my life when Love was no more? She was the person who knew me and understood me the most. She was the person who took care of me and held the answers to all of my questions. She was the person who made my pain lesser, who made me feel welcome and whole. She was the one who loved me the most. And what had I given her in return?
Pain? Suffering? Death?
I cannot take it anymore. I cannot live like this anymore. I'm tired of aching like this, I'm tired of hurting like this. I want to be freed of the pain, I want to be freed of everything. How can the world still continue when Love was no more? How could nobody feel the pain that I did, the way I felt suffocated and choked with my own self? I was the reason of her death; I was the one who snuffed out the life from her. I was the one who robbed her of her essence, her life, her spark... everything.
I wish I could cease to be.
Ranveer threw the pen away from his hand as the nib broke, casting his dairy aside brutally. He stared at the window for two whole minutes, the dead silence of the room deafening him until he could take it no longer.
He shut his eyes, trying to somehow magically throw himself out from the bed. He needed to bleed. He needed to do it at any cost. But no matter how much he tried, his legs remained as resolute as ever. He tried to work his abdomen muscles to drag himself out from bed, but the only thing it resulted in was the upper part of his body falling clumsily off the bed. In the whole month, he had regained his motor functions from the point of injury up till his abdomen, with the sole exception of his legs.
Ranveer heaved in huge gulps of air and tried to steady his breathing. The nurse now no longer stayed for his care since he had recovered, and he did not want to do anything that would cause anyone more pain. He just wanted to free himself off the pain. Lifting his head up again, his eyes fell upon the buzzer that was at the end of the bed stand, something that his Mota Babuji had given him in case he ever needed anything or any help.
Ranveer knew that as much as he didn't want to awaken anyone, he would have no option. He tried to reach out for the buzzer that was again too far from his grasp, yelling at the top of his voice as he let his pent-up frustration go loose. He did not care whether the entire house awakened with his voice. He did not care if the world awakened with his voice. He needed to rid himself of the pain.
He needed to bleed.
And even before his fingers could touch the buzzer, he felt his legs fall over his head in a bad somersault, hitting the ground hardly. He yelled in pain as the ground felt too hard for his weakened back, tears beginning to escape his eyes now. Wiping them away angrily, he propped himself up and pulled the canvas stand down with a crash, the empty sheets falling alongside.
Grabbing the sheets, he spread it across the floor while he managed to get his hands upon the colours that were luckily within his reach inside the bedside drawer. Taking alongside the brushes, palette and the jar of water, Ranveer set them all beside him and stared at the blank canvas, a rage like he had never known suddenly possessing him. Until he felt the surge of helplessness creep into his veins and the urge to bleed out again.
What he did for the next few hours was only a blur of colours and tears for him. He did not know why he was doing what he did, but he followed his instinct nonetheless. The canvas found the strokes of the paintbrush and his fingers alike, along with the colours that bled out a story of its own along with his tears, until his hands ached to stop. But he couldn't. He had to let the pain ebb away for there was no stopping once he had begun. Instinct told him that maybe it was not too late, that maybe he could find Love again if he simply did what she told him.
But somehow, as he threw colour after colour and stroke after stroke, the pain didn't lessen. It only felt more acute, until he felt like the only thing left to do was to actually explode and have his blood splattered across his work to complete the process. And just like that, he felt his body succumb to the tiredness his heart felt. He found himself slumping across the side of the cot awkwardly while shutting his eyes, hoping that for once somebody would take away all of his pain just like he took away Love's.
And before he could think anything further, he felt a gentle pair of hands pull him and envelop him into a warm embrace. It did not take him two seconds to recognize the usual scent of roses and vanilla that he associated with Ishaani, or the way she stroked his head. And for the first time in three months, he let himself break down into her arms completely.
He howled into her arms like a wounded animal as he freely tore out his heart in front of her, while she silently sat by his side, encompassing his pain. He had broken through the bonds of his own iron prison; he had let his guard down. He did not know for how long he remained in Ishaani's arms that way, nor did he realize that she had been crying quietly with him as well. All he did was cry and seek solace in her arms, letting his heart bleed away the pain that he had contained for so long.
A pain that he couldn't bear anymore because it was killing him inside out every single second. A pain where death felt a better path to walk upon than life. A pain where neither could he let anyone take away nor live anymore with because of the loneliness it brought along. And as Ishaani kept stroking his head and rubbing his back through the night, he fell limp in her arms, tired and exhausted.
He was done trying to battle the pain of a lifetime.
Constructive criticism will be more than welcome and sorry for any typos! :D :D
Next chapter:
Epistle 36
Edited by LadyMeringue - 8 years ago
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