Chandni’s stiff shouldered back frame was hovering on Advay’s mind. Memory of moments he did not even remember tugging at his heart. How she had felt, when he had walked out on her; without giving any consideration to her plea that last fateful night in their childhood.
Today, he could have fallen to his knees before his Chandu and begged for her forgiveness. He wanted her to understand, he could not live without her; couldn’t even bear that thought!
The pure honest need of a man to be understood, to be trusted by his woman. Vulnerability was vivid on Advay’s face…… A pleading almost!
“Why in the heaven’s name does she not understand me, DD?”
“But still, she is the light in your eyes, right?” urged Darsh, very very softly.
A ghost of reluctant smile touched Advay’s lips and his eyes mellowed soft, “That she is!”
“And then, do YOU understand her, AD?” Darsh stressed on the word.
“What do you mean?”
“Did YOU ask her even once how did she manage to reach home?........Do YOU understand? The girl did a brave smart act today. She was pushed by the angry mob. She lost her mobile in the crowd…..She escaped to a by-lane and followed maps to reach apartment.”
Advay’s loving heart knew he had erred terribly; but he also knew how much he loved her, how he worried for her every second. The thought made his loving heart hold onto his anger. …. At least his friend would understand him, understand his anger,understand his fear!
“AD, for a second, imagine HER situation!” DD understood his friend too well but refused to relent.
“She doesn’t panic, she follows directions without any mistake, she reaches back safely…… wouldn’t she expect a good word, a small praise, a little kindness from you? And what did you give her, your angry outburst? Did she deserve it?”
Advay’s expressions changed rapidly with every sentence of Darsh.
“My anger doesn’t matter, DD. I have certain reasons in my mind.” His voice was resigned as his rational brain defied his loving heart and clutched onto his anger.
“Your complete lack of any praise doesn’t matter, your angry outburst doesn’t matter, then what matters, man?” Darsh lost his patience with his friend.
“That I love her, dammit!!”
An angry fist banged on the table, the chair flew off, the voice split through the air.
Such soul stirring beauty in expression of love! Darsh stood spellbound seeing his friend.
Reminisces of last night danced in front of Chandni’s eyes.She knew so well that he loved her and nothing else mattered but still…….
Through months of arguments and fights, she knew she had fire breathing dragon in her life. She had tried to balance him with passive aggression.
It was all about her state of being an individual…….. And especially in the family set up……..more so in the equation between the two,their very own, very private!
Was this struggle for her own identity even when she was unified with him?…..The complexity of man-woman relationships, too complex to define!
She hated it when he blasted her in front of family…..not that they would judge her or even him…..but still, they had jointly decided not to fight ……They had agreed that it had repercussions on the entire family and they would restrict their arguments to the privacy of their bedroom.
She knew why he said what he said, she knew the look in his eyes, so very angry because love of that kind brought fear…..and the look broke her heart, with its fear, its love!
Naani was in her room chanting quietly when Miku and Pooja came in with worried faces. Murli Shilpa followed right behind.
“Naaani……” Pooja urged.
She knew Naani was refusing to open her eyes and acknowledge them; otherwise she understood everything even with her unseeing eyes.
“Sir aur Didi ka Jhagada ho gaya!”
“Bhaiyya aur Bhabhi ka Jhagada ho gaya!”
(the two have fought)
Both Murli and Shilpa blurted out loudly simultaneously.
“Matar ka dana, when I’m telling Naani, why you need to interrupt?” Murli made a face at Shilpa.
“Where did I interrupt? I was just speaking at the same time as you.” Shilpa retorted.
“It’s Bhaiyya-Bhabhi news; so I will tell Naani. It’s my right.”
“Why? Does the news have your name written on it?”
“Oh stop it, you two!” Worry made Pooja lose her patience.”Naani….”
“Tell me something new, Beta! What’s so important about this piece?”
“Naaaaani?” Pooja couldn’t believe Naani could act so disinterested when everybody was worried out of their mind. “It’s about Bhaiyya and Chandni! They fought! On their honeymoon!”
“Don’t Naani me. I know it’s about them. And yet I am telling all of you to not worry too much over it…….these two, Murli and Shilpa argue all the time, do you worry?”
“Naani, theirs is just happy banter. Between Bhaiyya and Chandni Bhabhi it’s real conflict.”
“Yes, Pooja! And have I not told you already, that their saga thrives on conflict. It’s the crux around which their relation breathes, acquires colour and grows…….they would stagnate if complacent…… At the heart of the greatest tales told; there's always conflict!”
“Do you really mean this, Naani? Is it always so!” Miku was lost in his own thoughts wondering over his relation with Shikha.
“Miku, you can’t take a foot-ruler and measure all relationships the same way. Yours and Shikha’s will thrive on fun and frolic. Conflict will suffocate you guys. Chiku and Chandni are different……It’s the fear in Chiku’s mind about losing Chandni that causes his anger.”
“Why fear something like that? Bhabhi is with him, as his better half.”
“Yes, Miku! That sense of being incomplete without her makes him so vulnerable. It’s you, Miku, who must become strong for both his and your sake and alleviate his fears, build his inner strength.”
“What do you mean, Naani? I can’t make sense of this all.”
“You will, Son……… in time you will!”
Advay blinked in sheer confusion at his own anger. His ears were roaring. His entire being was wrapped around a feeling that had come to stay in him. But, what was that feeling exactly? If it was love, why did it disturb him so much? He grappled with the thought.
He tried for calm, he really did, but the fury exploded from the cold ball of lead in his gut and burst through his veins. He would burn down the world if anybody even dared to look at Chandni and harm her.
Darsh handed him another drink and righted his chair making him sit down and cool down his breaths. Impatience simmered from his frame, though he remained still.
“DD, why does she put herself in risk every time?”
“It’s not about her; it’s about YOU!”
“What about me? It’s all about her!”
“Think over a little, AD! Whether it was her or Aadi or anybody else, your reaction would be the same.”
“What are you saying, DD? I love Chandni and I am worried about her, that’s all!”
“Precisely! It’s your worry!...... Worry that stems from your deep rooted fear….. You have suffered the loss of your parents and it’s given you lifetime fear of losing your loved ones……This fear comes out as anger and makes your actions go to extreme…….Like your anger with innocent CD..... OR your having donated your kidney to Aadi with the fear of losing him.”
Advay jerked from his reverie, “How do you know about that?”
“You lost contacts with me; I never lost track of you, Saale!” Darsh punched him jovially on his shoulder.
“Chandni knows about it; but the rest of the family doesn’t and should never, if possible!” Advay's eyes mutely requested Darsh and he understood immediately and nodded.
A yawning emptiness and grief roared up and pumped through his veins, looking for some type of outlet. He squashed it like an ant under the heel of his shoe....... Never again! He wouldn’t let himself go back to that place of feeling, helplessness. Not again ever!…..Be it Aadi, be it Chandni!
Darsh was observing him closely. He smiled, “That’s precisely the cause of fear. You make yourself believe that you must control everything; but in truth, you cannot!"
Advay was a master at masking his emotions with everyone but Darsh knew that deep down, he was hurt and pained by his past and now by his fear to lose…..fear of failure to protect his loved ones.
“What do you mean, I cannot?” The anger took its hood up immediately, “I have to, I will!”
“This ‘I’ of yours all the time. Take away this "I" and give it to Allah. That moment, all fear, all worry leaves you.”
“Now where does God come into all this?”
“Allah is in everything, inherent! He doesn’t have to come into anything. It’s He who ordains that events occur in our life. You and I are just mediators required to do righteous deeds without any expectation.”
The memory of Chandni in their very first meeting in Allahabad sprang immediately to Advay’s mind. She had explained the Geeta Hymn explaining the same principle of life. Without his wanting to, he had been fascinated by her competence.
“Raja Shivaji, the first ruler of Maharashtra….. from where do you believe he got the strength to fight against biggies?......He genuinely believed, “ He Swarajya Vhaavhe Hee tar Shreenchi ichchha” (It’s God’s wish that this Self rule Kingdom must take root)
If greats like him believed it; who are we to believe otherwise? It’s that complete faith which becomes your strength in extreme adversities.”
Chandni had spoken to him about faith on the Karava Chauth day. That night felt like it just happened yesterday.
“You might think you can control everything, but can you make the sun rise in your life as per your wish? The Sun is created to rise and shine after every night. You are born to do your ordained deeds in your life time!”
The world doesn’t run by your wish, AD!
Koyi To Hai Jo Nizaam-e-hasti Chala Raha Hai, Wohi Khuda Hai!” Darsh started humming very softly
Koyi To Hai Jo Nizaam-e-hasti Chala Raha Hai, Wohi Khuda Hai,
Dikhayi Bhi Jo Nah De Nazar Bhi Jo Aa Raha Hai,
Nazar Bhi Rakkhe Samaa’aten Bhi,
Woh Jaan Leta Hai Neeyaten Bhi,
JoKhaana-e-la-shu’oor Men Jagmaga Raha Hai,
Wohi Khuda Hai,
Talaash Us Ko Naa Kar Buton Mein
Woh Hai Badalti Huyi Ruton Mein,
Jo Din Ko Raat Aur Raat Ko Din Bana Raha Hai.
Wohi Khuda Hai
For Certain, There Is Someone Who Is Ruling The Order Of Life That Being Is God.
That Being Is God.
The One Who Cannot Be Seen, And Yet Is Visible
He Sees And He Hears.
He Is Able To Glean The Intentions Behind Actions.
The One Who Is Shining In The Recesses Of The Unconscious.
That Being Is God.
Don’t Look For Him In Idols And Images
He Is Present In The Changing Seasons.
The One Who Is Changing Day Into Night And Night Into Day.
That Being Is God.
Darsh's voice was so honest, it touched Advay's heart and suddenly his eyes were moist with the truth of the song.
“And my Ma-Baba? They believed in God, they died.”
“So did my Ammi, AD!........ Death is the ultimate truth of life, you know it!”
Yes! Advay knew it so well. He had tried explaining it to Chandni.
“Don’t connect their faith which kept them happy and hopeful during their life with their death……… I’m telling you to have that same faith in the tasks we have undertaken!”
“You mean to say, I should not fear and just leave everything on God?”
“Not at all, AD! What I mean to say is do everything possible from your side to tackle this fear, to protect your loved ones….. And then, your faith in your actions will conquer your fear and your anger both……..If you’re not assured with the current security you provide for them, then think out of the box, man! Do something different, pull up all your resources, but stop blasting off your poor wife, saale!” Darsh hit him jovially.
Advay was thinking too seriously to smile at DD…… DD was right! He needed to think out of the box…. pull up all his resources..... perhaps do something which nobody had done till now......Kuchh Aisa jo aaj tak kissi ne nahi kiya ho!....... Something that he had not done till now!
He resolved in his mind, he would break the cocoon of fear and step out of his Anger shell!
The atmosphere at home was still tense when the duo returned back home. The moment Chandni saw them, a scowl settled on her brow and she avoided the pair going back to her room.
The tension was just about to mount further; when Darsh put his hand around Advay’s shoulder.
“AD, it’s very easy flirting with babes…..This is your next level, man! ….. Let’s see how you charm your wife?......Now prove yourself against this challenge, hum bhi dekhenge!”
(We'll see!)
A happy smile broke on Advay’s lips and his face glowed. Yes, Chandni had always been a challenge! Even in those Allahabad days initially! A challenge he loved and cherished in his heart.
The moment the tension dissipated from Advay’s face; Pooja heaved a sigh of relief. She had genuinely been worried with her Bhaiyya’s anger level earlier. Now, with his smile, the room looked brighter and the air felt lighter.
“Any news of any further disturbance in the city?” Darsh smiled at Pooja diverting her mind from her brother’s worry.
“No. Not at all! It was localized and was brought in control almost immediately.”
Advay’s shoulders relaxed further with the casual chat. He had unnecessarily been worried. The riot was not instigated by his enemies. Darsh had been right; it was all his fear in his own mind.
“What control? I lost my ice cream chance!” Aadi folded his hands against his chest and whined.
“Hey buddy, don’t worry! Let’s do something out of the box! How about making an Ice-cream float for you? There’s vanilla ice cream and coke in the fridge.” Darsh offered happily.
Aadi’s eyes sparkled up and he ran to Darsh jumping on him and hugging him, “You’re my best buddy! I love you!” He planted a wet, moist kiss on Darsh’s cheek. Everybody laughed.
“You watch the TV and the float will be served to you, Sir!” Darsh saluted to Aadi.
Darsh was in the kitchen pulling the coke out of the fridge when Pooja came after him. There was a smile on her lips , an affection in her eyes. Darsh watched her for a second but she never said anything.
“You’ll also have float?” Darsh wanted some conversation to happen.
“Nah!”
“Coke for you?”
“Nah!”
“Ok! Now will you move further from one word response?”
“I won’t thank you; but I wanna pass my thanks to Allah Tala.” She looked at the ceiling while Darsh continued to stare at her with a questioning look.
“For sending you here with us on this trip. What you did today for Bhaiyya, for Aadi, nobody else could have done.”
She covered his hand with hers, “I trust you!”
The entire universe froze for Darsh……… an eternity in a spec of a moment!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Advay remembers Chandni at every thought of his. And she understands his love. Yet, as Naani said wisely, conflict is what their relation perhaps strives on.
The beauty of Barun's expressions and dialogue delivery in the "I Love you Dammit" was unforgettable. He used the "dammit" in completely different but very justifying acting with Tumne meri jindagi barbaad kar dee when he pushes her away when she recognises he is her love Dev.
Now in the show, both have already said to each other I love you. So using it here as he telling Darsh how much he loves her.
Darsh is so wise in his advice. I loved this song by Atif Aslam immensely, for his voice as well as the meaningful lyrics. Do enjoy, beauty in a concept!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74cVT_tUpck
The angry outburst of Advay has made Pooja- Darsh(PooSh) relation move a step further.
Advay is completely unaware of it; but unknowingly, he's the one who has brought DD on this trip and now he's bringing PooSh closer.
Outwardly it looks like Darsh is doing something for Advay; but in real sense, it's Advay doing a huge thing for Darsh.
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Comments (10)
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sonya317 @sonya317
4 years ago
It's hard to lose loved ones, my condolences to Neha.
vijayfan10 @vijayfan10 4 years ago Sorry for your loss, be strong dear
Neha @Loving2Missing2
+ 2
4 years ago
Hi All!I recently lost my father and have been deeply affected by it.My sincere apology for delay in next chapter post.
sonya317 @sonya317
4 years ago
It still depends on the individuality of the person. My husband did not talk about love every day, but it was customary for us to hug and exchange a kiss when we met and said goodbye. My sons do it too, although the youngest son is willing to confess his love to his wife 100 times a day))
AnnDan @AnnDan
4 years ago
It is difficult to say about Advay. But Arnav, I think, often said Kushi about his love
Regina.BS @Regina.BS
4 years ago
Oh sure. This is more inherent in women. But if a man is sincerely in love with his wife, he will confess her love to her even after many years. I hear "I love you" almost every day for 33 years
Neha @Loving2Missing2
+ 2
4 years ago
I was just yesterday discussing with my childhood friend how we miss our husbands actually saying out the words ," I love you". The day-to-day familiarity of twenty-five years and more has somehow taken away the necessity of words in our individual relationships...... yet the wouldn't mind a proclamation of love, the way Advay does......"that I Love You, Dammit!"Would Advay or Arnav, ever say I love you to their Chandni or Khushi much later in marriage?What do you gals think? Loving2Missing22019-11-20 05:30:13