"Devvv..."
Chandni jerked up from her delirium. The room was lighted up with late morning sun; but bereft of warmth of Dev's presence, suddenly leaving her cold.
His wrath last night came rushing back in her heart...'You have hurt me!'... Her heart pounded in her head...his harsh anger burning her soul.
'He is gone;but surely, he must have left notes for me...he always does.'
In desperate hope, she threw away her blanket and rushed to the bathroom...nothing!... Frantic,she dashed to the wardrobe, yet nothing!
Loneliness hit her with a force of hurricane!
'He's angry and he won't forgive me so easily...I wanted him to have all the happiness in the world...if not from me; then from somebody else, whoever makes him complete...I never ever expected this outburst of anger from him...What does he expect me to do?'
In a mad hope for reconciliation, she dialled up his number; but his mobile was switched off. Feeling completely empty inside, she crumpled to the floor, heavy sobs raking her body...
"Shikhaa...Shikhaaa...Getup."
Veer pounded loud on Shikha's door ...no response, "Oh Shikha... Ohhh meri raani...Uth jao raani..."
"Shikhaaa...!"
Veer stumbled as the door was yanked open by an irate Shikha, "What's going on? Whyare you blasting off my door early morning?"
Veer took in her dishevelled sleepy state and without a word, with a content smile, he circled his arms around her clasping her in his possessive embrace, placing a good morning kiss, currently restricted to a light peck on top of her head.
"Oh my darling Shikha, early morning is past two hours now!I know you love your beauty sleep; but you are beautiful enough now... So get going, Girl!"
Wiggling hard to shove him away, she growled, "Who has given you the right to disturb my sleep? Till date, not even my mother or Chandni jiji dared to wake me up before my time. Tum koun se laat sahaab ho?" her voice pitched low over the last words to avoid anyone else overhearing.
"LaatSahaab?? I like that name...may be better, Lord Governor! I don't mind you calling me that instead of your earlier petite "Aji sunte ho...doesn't suit you so well... Laat Sahaab is better!"
He was teasing her; his face radiant with his happiest smile, almost boyish...
"And Shikha darling, getting up early is going to be your prime duty very soon...so better practice from now itself."
"I absolutely hate waking up early." Shikha whined her lips pursed tight.
"Things that we hate most in life, life requires us to do those most!" Veer shrugged.
A nagging voice at the back of her head warned her. 'He is perhaps right. Life would change completely very soon. But I won't concede easily.'
"I don't care. I need my sleep, that's it! "Her voice pitched high, her eyes defiant.
Veer was taken aback with her suddenly hostile demeanour.
"Ok Dear!Accepted...We'll work around it. For the time being, now that you are woken up,why don't you freshen up and go to kitchen?"
She wrinkled her nose and reluctantly gave in.
"Ok!"
She went inside to finish her chores and Veer turned back whistling softly tohimself.
Advay entered the Dhaba...An old man, perhaps the owner approached him immediately,
"Come in,Beta. Take a seat."
"May I get some water?"
"Yes of course. I'll get you Gur-Paani (Jaggery and water)."
"No...No! MayI get a bottle of water...I mean mineral water."
"Beta, you look tired. You must have come a long way. We do have a bottle but it's a month old... I can give you fresh spring water that we keep in Matka(pot)...It's cold enough and also very refreshing...And then, drinking just water on empty stomach may give you pain, have it with Gur and it will replenish your body..."
More than anything else, the soothing caring tone of the old man calmed Advay's senses making him nod; a little bit absent minded.
The old man brought water and gur. "What will you like to eat, beta?
"Nothing." Advay's reply was terse as he drank water fast. It did quench his thirst and sooth his throat...the physical relief eased out the stress from his body a little.
"Beta, you look much stressed...There's pain in your eyes...your mind is troubled...but why punish the God given body?...If god has given trouble, he will give solutions also...to search those solutions, you'll need to strive..."
Advay looked up suddenly in the memory of Naani's earlier words. He looked hard at the old man. The man looked very sincere while he continued talking.
"...and for striving you need strength... If you eat something, I shall get some business and feel better...If you leave without eating, I'll only get worry...whether something happened to you on way further...so why not choose to make us both feel better...
Advay suddenly looked up at the last words.'Only if life's choices were easy to make both feel good. At least here, the choice wasn't so difficult.'
He had never till date allowed anybody to preach him... Yet the voice displaying subtle authority and the rational argument were taking a grip on his inner turmoil.
He smiled,"Don't worry about your business."
He placed a five hundred rupees note on the table.
The man stepped back and spoke vehemently, "No beta... It's not about money... We are poor but we earn honest living from our own work...I will never ever take money for just water... It's given by nature... It's free...My wife has been making hot parathas...She makes them well... You'll like them." The man urged sincerely.
'Not better than my Chandu.' Advay thought of Chandni's loving eyes while serving him breakfast. Her fond memory was everywhere...in everything that he did...
He nodded again, "All right. Bring whatever you have."
"Di...Are you busy?" Chandni called out from Pooja's door.
"Chandni...you woke up? Come in...How are you feeling today?"
Pooja beamed happily ushering a hesitant Chandni in.
"I am OK, Di... Have you had breakfast? And others?"
"Yes Chandni, we all had. Only you two sisters were missing."
"Didi...Naani..." Shilpa halted halfway in her speech as she barged in. "Oh my god! Pooja di, you'll betaking all these clothes?? They are so modern...you'l look so different, so young!...so refreshing..."
In excitement, she could not find next words.
"Yes Shilpa!When you are in Rome, live like Romans...These clothes you haven't seen; but I always wore them in London...I was very different then...I have left a life back in London."
Pooja grew serious...her thoughts going back to her life before marriage...She suddenly became aware of everybody watching her and shook her thoughts away.
" I am very comfortable in these clothes. You can also take something like this with you. I can loan you some of my tighter clothes."
"Oh Di..That would be so nice!I haven't started packing anything, and see? You are almost done here...I have never seen you so excited."
"Of course,I am! Very much! I love travelling. This is best Diwali gift from Bhaiyya. I wanted to go on Europe trip from my college; but times were different then...he could not allow me though all my other friends had gone. Yet, he has remembered after all these years..."
"Yes Di, Sir is very openhearted...
"No Shilpa!... Earlier, he wasn't like how he is now... He was a closed person...never ever sharing anything...He hardly spoke to me during the college days...He became more open after Adi's birth... He never ever listened toothers either...always did his own thing... But yes! There's no one as genuinehearted as he is."
Chandnismiled agreeing with Pooja completely, her mind reflecting on Dev with Adi.
"Di...did he have breakfast before leaving to office today?" She was hesitant but veryworried.
Both Shilpa and Pooja turned with a shocking look on their face.
"E matar ka dana! Naani gave you a message and you are chit chatting here with didi?" Murli interrupted the girls.
"I am not chit- chatting." Shilpa made a face at Murli, "We were all discussing about Europe trip."
"Europe trip?... God knows whether it will happen or not? Bhaiyya has gone to Allahabad now...if he does not return early..."
Now Chandni turned to Murli in a shock, "Allahabad??" her voice a mere whisper.
"Yes Chandni!... Bhaiyya is gone to Allahabad...he left in the night itself. Must be halfway now..."
Pooja held a shocked Chandni in her embrace; but Chandni just stood still... Fear pulsing through her... The air, relaxed earlier, suddenly thickening with grief.
'He went to Allahabad?? And without telling me? In the night itself?... He left me?...He left me!...Oh God!... no! Not again!...not again please!'
Fear slammed into her chest causing pain through her whole body. her eyes, her head, her arms, her legs, even her gums...as she clenched her teeth!
"Didi, naani has called you to her room.' Murli quietly informed, his head bowed down in fear.
Things were not right! Everything was going wrong. Chandni just stood still...frozen in her place...unable to respond to anybody.
"Chandni,you must go ...meet Naani...She's also very worried." Pooja cautioned.
Chandni could not move... Pooja held her and walked out. As they approached Naani's room,she pushed Chandni towards the door.
"Come beta,come sit with me." Naani called out to Chandni as she lingered on the door...fear gripping her.
"Naaaniii..."Chandni forced herself to speak...but her voice hardly a murmur!
"Are you feeling OK?"
Naani's loving tone soothed Chandni's troubled mind. She forced her frozen feet to walk and sat near Naani's feet..
"Naaani? He is gone? He went to Allahabad? Why?"
"You tell me why. What happened between you two last night? Can you share it with me? My Chiku is hurt but he will never open when his wounds are deep...at least you tell me."
"Naani..."Chandni hesitated, "he is angry with me..."
"Yes...I know that...but why? What happened? Is it something related to your getting your monthly cycle?" Naani was anxious.
"Yes Naani..."
Chandni was finding difficulty in talking as last night's events came back. "I got my periods yesterday..."
"Aaand?" Naani urged.
Chandni knew she could not lie or hide anything from Naani. Naani knew people in and out.And perhaps Naani was the best family member to counsel her now. With a burst of forced confidence, she made herself speak.
"Naani...We have both been hoping for a child... but yesterday I knew that something is wrong with my body...I was kidnapped and drowned...then jumped in a waterfall...my body is damaged, naani...I shall never be able to conceive... "
Agony made tears stream down Chandni's eyes.
"That's not true...is that what you told him?"Naani patted on her head.
"Yes naani...And I asked him to get married to someone who can give him child."
There! it was out...out from her heavy heart.
"Whaat?? ?...You said that?"
Naani couldn't believe her ears. She jerked up in anger. Chandni stumbled at her feet. She was shivering in fear.
"You asked Chiku to get married again? How could you even say that to him?" Naani was getting angrier by the second.
"What else can I do, Naani? ...He wants a child...He needs a child...Only a child can help him find his inner peace."
"Yes Chandni! But a child with you! You are his life!
"No Naani! I cannot be...He has already suffered hugely because of me. I will not let him suffer further."
"That's nonsense." Naani rubbished her claim.
"Why? Just because I love him, should I hold onto him? Should I deprive him of his life's ultimate happiness?"
"Chandni? Have you given any thought to what you are suggesting to Chiku?... A man who has been day and night bound to you...even when he despised you and only revenge drove him...but there wasn't a night or a day that he would not think of you...and now you are the purpose for his life, for his happiness...you expect that loving heart to go and mate with another woman, just to have a child?"
Chandni knew this! They had always been bound to each other. As long he remembered her, even his anger was acceptable...
Yet now,what he needed was a child. Chandni steeled herself.
"Yes Naani.I want him to do that."
"Chandni...you are a woman yourself! How can you expect some other woman to be with Chiku?... just to give him a child but Chiku incapable of loving her? Would you as a woman accept such arrangement? Then how can you expect another woman to do it?" Naani's voice had risen.
Naani was a strong feminist. She would never allow disrespect of any woman. That was the reason why she had stood firmly behind Chandni when Chiku ditched her on first night itself. She had fought against her grandson to give Chandni her due respect and allow her to stay with him.
"And will such child, not coming from a loving coupling, give him peace? Or will it torment him all his life that it is not an outcome of his love. What will that child remind him of?" Naani's scorn poured on Chandni.
"And where's the assurance that it's your fault that there's no baby yet? If it was something to do with Chiku; would you then make such choice?"
"No Naani...never! I cannot even think of anyone else but Dev!"
"Then why do you expect him to be different? Why don't you understand his love for you?" Naani shook Chandni by her shoulders.
The mere suggestion of being with someone else apart from Dev... Chandni could not get air in her lungs... was this a dream? A nightmare? Her Dev had gone away. Naani was asking her questions which she had no answers to...
"You were the girl to fight against Sasha. You did everything to make her leave. Where have you lost that Chandni who had so much faith in her love?
Why do you want to be a martyr now? Learn to be selfish for your love. Want it always.Protect it with your life.
Only then,my Chiku will have his peace."
Chandni stood frozen in her place. Life's blood was draining out of something precious...very precious to her heart. What have I done? Why did I not think from his side? No wonder he said I hurt him... Oh God! I hurt him again...I wanted to see him happy...but everything that I do, I always end up giving him pain.
"Naani...Naani,I'll go and bring him back...I'll go and bring him back, naani."
"No Chandni" Naani was stern, "You shall not go anywhere...you always act on impulse. Learn to assimilate yourself...That's what Chiku is doing. He needs his time. Alone."
"But Naani..."
"Let.him.be! He will return back! You take this time and think yourself...what it is that you want from life? Are you ready to give up on your love which you almost lost once before in life? Will that make anyone happy?"
Shikha had a close group and was much coveted by her friends... a bindhaas badaas girl always chatting happily!
She was leaving college with her friends chirping constantly...Suddenly she yawned feeling very tired.
"What happened? You were sleepy in the class as well today. You did not answer any questions from the professors as you always do." A friend asked.
"Don't ask me, yaar! Veer, my fiance, woke me up early morning. Could not get my sleep complete... My whole day goes bad when I don't get my sleep...and can you imagine? He says, after we go to Allahabad, I will have to get up early everyday."
Shikha showed her unhappiness in her voice as well as her face. The friend stifled a laugh.
"He is right, Shikha. As you said, both you will be mahant and mahantani in your ancestral place...it will be naturally expected of you."
Friends always tried to console her.
Mihir was Shikha's close friend in the group. Very sincere and mature...She liked him a lot because she found him very similar to Veer.
"Shikha...have you given it any thought? I mean... Becoming Mahantani is a great thing in your life...We all understood your enthusiasm when you had told us about it. But being a mahantani will mean changing yourself completely...your badaas mannerism, your clothing style, your food habits...you won't be this Shikha at all..." He pointed to her up and down.
She looked at him, her eyes suddenly confused. The nagging voice from the morning deep down in her heart resurfacing. 'He is right. I won't be myself.'
Mihir placed his hand on her shoulder consoling her confusion yet he could not stop telling her the truth.
"Not only that, all this education of yours will be kind of wasted. You won't have a progressive career. You will be limited by what community expects of you. Have you accepted that life?"
"But My family, my jiju and Veer are both very progressive..." Shikha protested refusing to delve too deeply into the nagging thought.
"Agreed. But are they allowed to speak against or go against the community, especially when related to your ancestral temple. Won't religious beliefs and customs predominate there?"
"Yes, that's true, Mihir."
Shikha thought about her mother, the way she had to live, making sure everybody was satisfied in the temple. "What can I do? Nobody can change that."
"Yes, I know. I am just saying so that you reflect on it and take a conscious decision. Don't regret it later."
Shikha just nodded. Life is not easy. I hope I don't repent later.
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