"Yeh Galati nahi, Chandni...Gunah hai!...it's not a mistake...it's a crime."
Advay's words reverberated in Chandni's ears...Every aching muscle gave way, including her heart, and she collapsed to the floor in a heap.
"Devvv" She sobbed uncontrollably "Aise mat jao... Don't leave like this...not again..."
A frantic desperate justification laced with anger ripped from her heart, "Tum meri jagaha hote toh tum kya karate?"(What would you do in my place?)
Dev halted...stunned... without moving, without talking he just watched her... Her question, innocent but timeless...a sudden ice dagger getting twisted into his heart...piercing deep... the pain so very lethal!
A palpable, dense, tense moment between lovers...both just saying I love you so much...in the middle of all the nasty words.
Chandni was bordering on hysteria...she grabbed Advay's legs not letting him go...her sobs choking her breath... pulling her into the turmoil of love.
Pulled by an unknown force, Advay gathered her up and embraced her. She was the most precious thing life had given him... more important than his hurt...his rage...
She was vaguely aware of arms wrapped around her, rocking her back and forth...arms that were always meant to comfort but comfort wouldn't come...not unless he had forgiven her for her once again naivety.
"Chandni...Chandni" Advay tried pulling her out of her hysteria...he enfolded her with his arms and walked to the bed... With utmost care, he laid her down...
She was frantic, refusing to lie down...refusing to leave him, she clutched him hard...her trauma returning back to hound her...he could not lose her...not even in his rage...
"Chandni...shaant!...Chandni...shaant!(calm down) Somehow he managed to make her lie down...but she held on to his lapels as if her life depended on it.
"Don't go Dev...Don't leave me again...everything will burn...like last time...don't... don't Dev...what could I do?...you tell me, what would you do?"
"I am here Chandni, right here with you...look at me!"
"Everything will burn...you should burn me...I deserve it...Maine tumhari jindagi barbaad kar dee...".(I destroyed your life completely)
"Shut up Chandni...just shut up!" He simply couldn't handle it...a million painful memories hounding both!... the trauma killing both!!
Fast, he pulled out his sleeping pills from the bedside drawer... pushed them through her mouth, and then made her drink water.
"Why does this happen to us, why Dev? I want Dev back... my young Dev back..."She clenched her fists...her teeth.
"Chandni, I am here...look, I am right here...with you...Shaant Chandni!" he softly patted her head...
There was chaos inside... there was a raging storm inside...Yet, he wanted this moment...he and his love in each other...connected!
Her trauma took over her in delirium... disturbing her in fitful sleep.
"Tum jaante ho na, Dev...Main sab sah sakati hoon...lekin tumhari aakhon mein mere liye naarajagi nahi..."
(You know, right?...I can bear everything but I can't bear indignation in your eyes against me)
He sighed deeply watching her...all her memories cascading in his brain...the air pulsed with his throbbing heart... the whole room knew what he felt.
Tujh se naaraj nahin...jindagi ... hairaan hoon main...hairaan hoon main
Tere masoom savaalonse pareshaan hoon main...
(I am not angry with you, Life
Simply baffled, By your innocent questions)
He continued patting her head; his mind lost in all her happy memories with him.
Jeene ke liye... socha hi nahi...dard sambhaalane honge
Muskuraaye toh...muskuraane ke karje utaarane honge
Softly , he removed his palm from under her head and walked to the window, a distracted air around him.
Jeene keliye... socha hi nahi...dard sambhaalane honge
Muskuraaye toh...muskuraane ke karje utaarane honge
Muskuraao kabhi...toh lagata hai...jaise hothon pe karj rakkha hai
(I never thought that in order to live
I would need to hold on to pain
Never thought life would extract
A price for every smile
Now whenever I smile
It feels like these lips are pursed in debt)
Her question hounded his heart...he knew she was not right...he should not listen to her...yet a part within him, rebellious with the rational, articulate him... A struggle to acknowledge and submit to that deep seeded fear!
'Yes, it could be me!' ...... an entire life's helplessness trapped in a tiny spec of time.
'I have taken a huge physical blow in childhood...I don't have one kidney...maybe, it's me responsible for her not being pregnant yet!'
'So what? ...'anger flooded his eyes... 'nahi hai toh nahi hai...what difference does it make?'
Suddenly in his heart...the memory of her with the young crying baby... She called herself 'Maa'...she wants Adi to think of her as Ma...a woman finding fulfillment of her identity in becoming a mother...
'it makes a huge difference...bloody hell, huge difference!'
'So we'll wait... we'll see...if it doesn't happen, there are medical treatments...' his articulate brain argued.
'and after all those treatments, if we still face failure... then what?...like she says...hope gives hurt in the end.' his heart screamed, 'can I make her face that hurt someday?'
Tormented Advay turned away from the window...his eyes flowing to her face...finally some peace on it due to drug-induced sleep...his heart swelled in love...a feeling so tender in his heart...his feet pulled towards the bed wanting to join her... by her side...his dream place.
'What would you do if you were in my place? ...Aap meri jagah hote toh aap kya karate?' Her question plagued his mind again...halting him...ripping him apart...
'what would I do?...rather, What will I do?...if it's me, do I expect her to sacrifice her maternal urge?...or do I allow her to fulfil it with another man...Chandni with another man?'...
The thought bit him like a snake...spreading poison in his veins...hitting his jugular!
All his anger, his jealousy earlier by simply seeing her with PP flew back in his mind...how he hated every moment he witnessed...however simple, however platonic it had been.
'Nooo...I can't... I can't...'
Total loss of control as his heart and his brain both refused to reason.
'Does she expect me to...am I supposed to...if my love is true, I should let her go as she's letting me...but how can she? Is it that easy for her...just like that?...'
'That Chandni who fought with her life to throw Sasha out of my life...today that same Chandni asks me to father a child with Sasha?'
.....a layered cascade of thoughts invading his mind...building torment as he struggled with this treachery of life!
'Once Hurt was your Gift to me Chandni...I had said to you, 'Dard tumharaTohfa hai aur main tumhara har tohfa sambhalke rakhata hoon..'(Pain is your gift to me and I cherish each gift of yours)
Even today, it's the same, Today this gift of hurt, I'll keep with me for lifetime!
He couldn't look at her...he couldn't breathe in the same room...pain bludgeoning in his heart, he left the room. The halls were quiet...eeriness surrounding...an impending doom!
He slid down as something started dying in his heart... 'Chandni...Chandni'... howled his heart... all her memories, all her images
Jhootha jagrain basera
Saancha dard mera
Mrig-trishnasa moh piya
Naata meratera
(This world, night, and dwelling is false. My pain is the truth! Our relation is like a mirage!)
He remembered that beautiful moment when both had dreamed of a child, the fruit of their mutual love!
Naina.. jo saanjhe khwab dekhte the
Naina..bichad ke aaj ro diye hain yun
(Eyes which used to share the same dreams, Those eyes are crying on being separated )
All those beautiful nights together, their remarriage on Karava Chauth, their Diwali
Naina.. jo milke raat jaagte the
Naina.. sehar mein palken meechte hain yun
(Eyes that used to stay awake together at night, Those eyes close their eyelids in the morning)
Every memory of their togetherness tore at his heart, stopping his breath!
Saans hairaan hai
Mann pareshaan hai
Ho rahi si kyun ruaan sa ye meri jaan hai
(Breath is bewildered, Heart is tensed Why is my soul growing frail?)
How hopeful he had been of life after all misunderstandings had cleared! And now this!
Kyun niraasha se hai
Aas haari huyi
Kyun sawaalon ka utha sa
Dil mein toofaan hai
(Why has hope lost to despair? Why is there a storm of questions in my heart?)
The woman who fought with every trick possible to make him acknowledge his love was giving up on him today, asking him to marry another woman! Imagine her helplessness, her frustration!
Bheege naina..
jo khidkhiyon se jhankte the, Naina ..
ghutan mein aaj band ho gaye hai yun
(eyes wet...Once they peeked from the windows, but today they are closed in suffocation)
'Why us? As she says, why us? Why me? Haven't I lost enough already?' Questions and questions ...just questions!'
He could not breathe...he needed fresh air...as if pulled by a magnet, he left the house.
His mind waging war against his own...gone away was the earlier Advay .....the one who was ready to collapse.....
But no! I can't ......denying himself vehemently, saying I can't do this...his marriage vows made him her protector...it was his duty to fight her wars, not ask questions, and never give up!
And then in his heart, he picked up his trident and took aim...piercing his own heart...such was the tyranny of time slaughtering him again!
'She cannot lose...I am her warrior, her protector...I laid my hand under her foot once, now I'll lay my heart on her path..'
I lost before...I'll lose once again...I already lost maa-baba...' a whimper left his throat ...
she wants Dev back...where? Where is that Dev without his maa-baba'
Memories of his maa-baba swam in front of his tearful eyes...his maa's pallu...his heart held onto it...he let his insides roar out against it all... the injustice, the pain!
He drove...away from the girl he loved as his own...the one whose images wouldn't go away from his mind...he drove towards his dark past...seeking the comfort of his parent's memories in Allahabad.
Yes! He would need to convey to her about his departure... I'll call Naani early morning first thing...she'll understand...till then, I'll just drive...because I can't drive my life, I'll drive a lifeless machine' He drove into the oblivion of darkness.
Chal, chal ve tu bandeya uss galiye
Jahaan koi kisi ko na jaane
He remembered their initial days when she had not recognised him.
Chal, chal ve tu bandeya uss galiye
Jahaan koi kisi ko na jaane
(come to that street, O man, where no one knows anyone)
Kya rehna wahaan par, sun bandeya
Jahaan apne hi na pehchaane
(what's the point of living in a place, where your own people don't recognize you?)
How her memories had tugged at his heart when misunderstandings had cleared yet he had thought that he lost her. He was the one who had failed to understand her, her love, her genuineness!
The beauty of their special moments! Just the memory of those halted all his pain from overflowing.
Reh gaye hain jo tujh mein
Mere lamhe lauta de
Meri aankhon mein aake
Mujhe thoda rula de...
(come to my eyes and make me cry a little)
Chal, chal ve tu bandeya uss galiye
Jahaan koi kisi ko na jaane, hmm...
Khwab jo huey hain khandar
Khwab hi nahi thhe
Ik neend thi neem si... haaye
the dreams which have become ruins, were never dreams. it was a half-sleep...
Kho diya hai tune jisko
Tera hi nahi tha
Ik haar thi jeet si...
(the one you have lost was never yours. it was just a loss, that felt like a victory)
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What happens next when one wants to go to future and the other one walks towards the past?
What happens when Chandni wakes up alone? What does Advay do in Allahabad.
Will the lovers survive?
Don't miss the beauty of the songs used. While Barun would ace in expressing the sentiments, Naseeruddin shah and Aamir khan do a fantabulous act.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZ_YUOr-tYw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phhtPnUlAUs
Arijit Singh his god gifted voice and diligence come together and bring depth to simple lyrics. That depth could be emoted by one and only Barun!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPqzea9bU1c
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