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Advay stirred from his tired delirium and reflexively his hand went out to pull close his Chandu; but only to jerk up noticing the empty space, cold without her presence.
The night had not been kind at all. Chandni had come out from the bathroom long after he had lost complete strength to stay up and had lied down on their bed......naked.....purposefully.....wanting her to join him.
Without reaching for him as usual, she had chosen to sleep away, her vibes clearly demanding space......
A quick glimpse of the bed in the lamplight revealed that she was wearing the non-sexy white cotton nightgown and curled on her side, facing away from him. Somehow, during the entire honeymoon period, she had slept only half dressed or most times naked with him. There was a clear message there and he hated himself for following it. Especially when, her delicate collarbones exposed made his whole body stir in response. He fought his need to touch her, to hold her. It felt like she had closed their most basic communication door and taken the handle of his side with her.
As he continued to wait for her to turn, he thought, perhaps, that he heard a murmur of distress emanating from her direction.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, taking her sigh has his cue.
When she didn’t respond, he switched off the light and turned his back to her; though sleep evaded both completely. The door now had just bolts on his side.
Somewhere in the wee hours of the morning, exhaustion took its toll on him and his eyes just shut while his mind still pondered over the vagaries of love, hurt and salvation.
When he reached the dining table, all were sitting already and happy chatter was on. Somehow, the chatter died as soon as he came and Chandni refused to look at him.
Advay sighed deeply and the sound seemed torn from the depths of his chest. His eyes were stark with unhappiness and fear. He collected himself as he sat down wishing everybody Good Morning nonchalantly....... trying to hide his feelings but failing at it miserably.
"Myself and Chandni will be going to Spain tomorrow. You guys can do sightseeing of nearby places. I'll make arrangements if you decide on your plan. I'll be visiting the embassy today, so can't join you in any plan of yours." He declared solemnly.
“I am not going anywhere. I’ll be staying here with the family.”
A scowl settled on Chandni's brow as she retorted curtly, refusing to look at him even while answering. She noticed the raised brows at her tone and tried to appease by a milder reply, “As such, Pooja Di and I have had girls’ outing programme pending for so long. And then, why should I join in official visit?”
“Because there is special invitation for you as well and you will be given a private guided tour while I do work. Later we can have a joint tour as well. You’ll enjoy Spain.”
Chandni ignored him completely and turned to Pooja, “How about us, girls, enjoying our plan from before. For some reason or the other it’s been getting delayed, isn’t it? And then, it will be time to move ahead and we will not get the chance at all.”
“Oh yes, true that!” Pooja conceded though she didn’t care much for the idea. She exchanged a knowing look with Naani.
Before Advay could oppose them, Maasi spoke eagerly, “Advay, I don’t mind coming with you to Spain. Better than these girlies going around town plan.”
“No Maasi. I am sorry but I can’t take you. It’s not regular official visit of mine. Why don’t you go some other place instead?”
Advay didn’t want to hurt Maasi by refusing to take her, neither did he want to share the reason for it. It was best to divert everybody’s mind.
“Oh Yes! My friends from here are wanting to go to Straussburg. Advay, arrange a small bus for us and also the hotel booking. I’ll confirm with them and tell you the names today itself…….” Enthusiasm was suddenly pumped into Maasi.
While Advay’s attention was engaged by Maasi, Chandni softly excused herself and took the chance to go away.
Advay didn’t miss it, but could only feel angry inside and impotent to not be able to stop her and question her while Maasi was speaking to him. Absentmindedly, he rubbed his fingers on his temples.
Maasi continued detailing out her plan but then realized Advay's part distraction. She turned to Naani,
“Ma, you must also come along and bring your friends. That place is beautiful. Sound Of Music ,the epic film, was shot there.” Maasi’s enthusiasm couldn’t be curbed.
Naani smiled kindly at her daughter, “Yes Leela, I would love to; but let me first see if my tired knees allow me a hectic trip.”
She wasn't sure whether the undercurrents flowing between Chiku and Chandni would return to normal or take a further argumentative form.
“But it will not be hectic……”
“Naani, are you having knee trouble?”
Both Maasi and Advay spoke out at the same time.
Naani laughed, “Leela, I will try and come, don’t worry. Chiku, knee pain is not new to me and should not be of too much concern to you. Remember the fun quote by P. L. Deshpande, “If you are above fifty and you get up in the morning without any body part aching, then rest assured, you are in heaven.”
The atmosphere on the table lightened up as everybody laughed.
Soon when everybody dispersed, Advay promptly rushed to his room but Chandni was inside the bathroom. He waited pacing, like a caged lion. She took her own sweet time coming out.
“Chaaaandni!” He called out, an urgency in his tone.
“I’m going to Naani.” Chandni cut any further conversation between them and walked out.
Advay hissed in anger like an angry dragon.‘She does this again and again; even when she knows that I hate it….. and yes,I bloody hate it!!” He banged his fist on the wall in anger. Sheer luck that walls here were sturdier due to which there wasn’t any hole. He drank water to pacify himself and then went to Naani.
Thank God, it’s Naani that Chandni chose to run to. Naani will at least make her talk to me. Advay’s steps hastened; but when he opened the door, it was just Naani sitting there alone with no trace of Chandni.
“Jhoothi! (liar)” an angry expletive emerged on Advay’s lips; but he suppressed it conscious of Naani’s presence, But the thought stayed in his mind ‘Chandni hamesha jhoothi hi hai.’
“Will you come inside now or you just came to look for Chandni?” Naani enquired with a loving smile.
“I came for you, Naani; not Chandni!”
“Oh really?.......Maybe! But then it must be for the fight going on with Chandni, right?”
Advay sat next to Naani and put his hand around her shoulder pulling her closer, “Why do you say that, Naani? You know, I love you.”
“Yes, Chiku! I know that.But why are you defending yourself? I’m here for you, Son. You have the right to come to me in any of your troubles.”
Advay smiled. Naani was expert at playing games. Many a times she had said, it was his battle to fight and she wouldn’t get in between him and Chandni. Now somehow she was giving him a chance to explain his side.
“Naani, I yelled only because I was out of mind with worry about her.”
“I know, Chiku! Yet, think about this worry…..where does it come from?”
“Of course, it comes from love, Naani!” Advay’s pitch rose in defense.
“Then manage it with love, Chiku! Why let the anger creep in? And isn’t it happening a bit too many times between the two of you?.....and affecting the whole family....You solve such complex issues at work; then learn to manage marriage problems also....."
Her tone turned soft as she continued further. "Deal with problems when they’re small, Chiku. It will make both of your lives easier, isn’t that a better option? …….Chiku, you are master in Mathematics and Science. But learning how to argue with a spouse is an art, not a science……. It took your Naana and me a long time to figure it out.”
“But Naani, Ma- Baba always told me, you and Nana never fought.”
Naani Smiled, “Yes maybe Kind of......I'll let out a secret of ours....Once you learn the art of arguing, you don't argue. And even if you do, it won't be so hurtful here." She touched his heart.
She continued as Advay chose to remain silent and listen intently, " And it won't be ugly to affect the family. That's why your Ma-Baba or for that matter Leela and her husband saw only love and not the arguments that were almost constant between us...... Learn to argue with Chandni while still convincing her that you love her......Tell her that you behave so because she’s so important to you......Once you convince her, your conflicts will be easier to manage. As a happily married couples, myself and Naana or even your Ma-Baba would give you just one advice.....Never let the sun go down on your and Chandni’s fight.
Advay understood what Naani meant and he wanted to do the same but somehow she wouldn't allow him. “ I’m not the one who shutdown rational communication.” Advay sounded imperious.
“That cannot be the argument from your side, Chiku! Why lose time in conflict with the one you love? Why not hope and look forward?Why not try new ways of communicating. ” Naani was well aware where Advay’s anger rose from; but that couldn’t be allowed to become his way of life.
Naani’s voice shook with the memory of her daughter and son in law, the happy loving couple who suddenly one day lost their life. “ Life can change for anybody in any instant, Chiku! It’s God’s will, you have seen that already.”
Advay’s grip tightened around her for comforting her, though the words brought back his anger, his hatred, his driving need to avenge his parents, to avenge attempt of murder on Chandni’s life.
Naani sensed it immediately and implored with tears in his eyes, “Tujhe kitni baar samjhaaun, Chiku? Nafarat ki chingaari sab kuchchh jala deti hai.” (How many times do I explain you, Chiku? The tinder of hatred burns everything.)
“Naani, why are we discussing all this? I came to ask how your knee was.”
Naani appeared disquieted at Advay’s’ transparent attempt at deflection.
Her voice grew stern, the kind she used for berating him to put him on right track, “There will be challenges in life, Chiku…..They are bound to be……. But there will be time enough to worry about them as they come……Learn to focus on the present and don’t let your worries about the future rob you of your joy.”
Advay realized she was speaking the truth. He channeled his anger and dampened it. For his plans ahead, it was essential to remain calm and to concentrate.
Chandni stood a little away from the Pooja Mandir made by Naani near the kitchen......her eyes looking deep inside her revered Gods, her soul communicating with the creator.....just one question, “WHY?”
A caring hand covered her shoulder softly, turning her around. Suddenly, seeing the inviting love in Pooja's eyes, Chandni hugged her tight. Her pain refused to drain through her eyes; yet the simple caress of Pooja's hand on her back gave her much relief......
"I kind of guessed it when you didn't come for Pooja today. But why are you letting this affect you so much?...... I am not undermining your pain, but you know, right?" Her smile faded. "Life never gives one everything."
Pooja cupped Chandni's shoulders lovingly, "And just having love in your life is the boon from heavens, cherish it! Don't lose faith, Chandni. Things will be OK.......Why are you refusing to go with Bhaiyya to Spain?"
Chandni spoke with pain filled eyes, "Because I don't want him to know, Didi. It's enough me suffering alone..... and then he has so many issues of his own to handle....I don't want to burden his mind further."
"Fine!" Pooja smiled, "That's like a good girl. But then don't be so distressed; because the distress will pass to him. Bring that swagwali Chandu from herein" Pooja tapped on Chandni's heart.
Noticing her Bhaiyya approaching them, she pulled Chandni to the kitchen turning both their backs to the door.
Advay had dressed up in formal clothing to go to embassy. He approached the ladies and called out to Chandni.
"Chandni, come! Let's go." He waited patiently for Chandni to turn back and respond to him; but no response whatsoever came from her still frame.
Instead, Pooja turned back and replied, "Oh Bhaiyya, where will she come now? Didn't you hear at the breakfast table that we have planned girls'time today?"
He was irked, "Pooja, that you can do some later time. What's the big issue?"
"O Bhaiyya, haven't you heard, Tomorrow Never Comes!....... So why push our programme to some later date?" Pooja retorted pompously
Then her smile became ever broad to counter his scowl, "And as such Bhaiyya, Chandni already has Schengen visa on which Spain travel is allowed. So why do you need her to go to Embassy with you?"
Advay could not counter that, could he? He looked back at Chandni, expecting her to join in the conversation at least now. Give him some rope to save himself. She would know the answer to Pooja's question. Did she not have the same need to communicate with him, some or other way to connect with him?
But Chandni continued to be busy with some chore, refusing to turn back or say anything. Pooja waited for a minute and then pushed her Bhaiyya away from the kitchen.
"Oh come on Bhaiyya, give us some free time of our own. You go to embassy and finish your work."
Pain and desolation crept in Advay's eyes with complete lost hope. He turned back to Chandni needing desperately to speak; but only his eyes spoke to her back frame. A tense silence speaking volumes.
What are you going to do Chandni? never ever talk to me? just because once I burst out? Don't you know it was fear of losing you that made me behave like that? and It's always going to be like that!
You're angry that I hurt you? Fine, come and hurt me back. If you wanna leave me alone, fine! But at least once come and then leave....... Let it be anguish, even to torture my heart, come....Come even if only to abandon me to torment again.
Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhane ke liye aa
Aa phir se mujhe chod ke jane ke liye aa
You may choose to leave today, you may choose to not accompany me, but you can't forgo my love. Give us both one single chance to show our love at least once. Okay, you don't like it publicly. But then, this is different. It simply cannot be that love has to be silent always and hidden from all......Maybe keeping love silent and private is the real form of love; but some day, come to silently express it also.
Mana ke Muhobbat ko Chhupana hai Muhobbat
Chupke se kissi roj jataane ke liye aa
He turned to the door and walked with heavy steps. He knew the outing was just an excuse conjured up not to come with him; but his heart implored.....once, just once, could she not come to be with him forever?
Jaise tumhe aate hai na aane ke bahaane
Aise hi kissi roj na jaane ke liye aa
When he returned home, Chandni and Aadi were sitting on the couch and playing some game. The two looked relaxed and really happy together. Naturally, she had not gone anywhere out. Anger flared in his heart at her lie; but he remembered Naani's words- arguing with spouse is an art!
Yes! He needed to change his game to a lighter stance and trick her into smiling. That would save the entire game for him.
As he walked towards the duo, Chandni suddenly got up and left. Advay was not going to let her win....Not this time......He hugged Aadi lovingly and spoke to him.
"Aadi, Spain is a beautiful place, you know! If I were to take you, would you refuse?...No, rrrrright?" Aadi innocently shook his head as Advay continued.
"But your sweet CM doesn't understand that..... When people act dumb, you become smart Aadi, right? Now, let's see if you can smartly convince your sweet CM!" Advay coaxed Aadi and both looked at Chandni with an expectant half smile.
Aadi tried tentatively, “Sweet CM, you must go with CM, you know…..Spain will be beautiful. You’ll enjoy it.” Knowing her anger, he naively added, “Maybe…..Just maybe….”
Anger flared in Chandni’s heart at Dev’s scheming ways. He was using Aadi against her and further the fight was becoming more and more evident to Aadi’s innocent, sensitive heart. Knowing Pooja’s difficulty earlier to manage a disturbed Aadi, she had sat down and played his favorite game with him for so long and now Dev had gone and spoiled everything. She took a deep breath to not let Aadi get scared by her anger at Dev.
“Come here, Aadi”, she called out sweetly extending her arms with a full smile. Aadi was too happy at her cue and rushed into her arms. She softly kissed his forehead assuring him, All is well.
“Aadi beta, that jelly custard I made for you…… poor thing is waiting in the fridge, wondering where is the boy who demanded it earlier?...... And then, you have such a big decision to make …….. you will enjoy more with me and your mummy or with Naani and Super Naani at Strasburg….It’s a beautiful place, you know…... lush green hills, beautiful gardens and villas….so run to the kitchen and decide while you enjoy the custard.”
Aadi happily fled away to the kitchen with this new thought now on his mind. Advay smiled wondering how did Chandni know about Strasburg so much......And maybe her anger was appeased after all this while of separation so he had something to hope for, he thought as he looked at her expectantly.
She pointedly folded her arms over her chest and stared at him. Her tone became scathing and loud, “If anybody in this house tries corrupting Aadi’s mind…… he will have it from me….. God help him, then! I have said I’m not going to Spain and that’s it, I won’t!” She added emphatically before walking away.
Advay felt crestfallen. ……Agreed that Yes!.... He was the cause of her roiled emotions…. She deserved her anger. He knew it; but bloody hell…..wasn't he allowed to at least hope that love could conquer all conflicts..... Wasn't love after all submission of all your egos and pains to that one need of connection…..that single emotion which filled you completely?
Of course, it was there. He knew it! She loved him so much that she was suffering, too! With the thought, her pain filled his heart…..Somehow, the air carried that one connection to her and her steps halted.
He stared hard….. his pain, her pain, why all this pain??...... mounting up and expounding when all he had intended was happiness on this honeymoon……Suddenly, he couldn’t take it any more…..Silence between them got suddenly very uneasy…..end of tether for him, rather for them. His voice got rough …..as he called out tentatively, one last time trying again….“Chandni”, something very soft in his voice, almost boyish!
He heart crumbled into a thousand pieces….. His voice felt so gentle on her ears; she had a crazy impulse to rush to him…..grab his hand and beg him to make it all okay…..make that horrible pain in her heart okay..... Take her in his arms and say they’d work it out and ease that terrible tightness in her chest.
But she pretended…..not just to him but also to her pounding heart……This was not the time and she was in no mood for all that …… She walked away in her own stiff, cold bubble.
Advay packed his bag alone in their bedroom, his heart dejected as all his plans crashed completely..... How happy, how hopeful he had been when he had asked for a special arrangement for her on Spain trip. And they had agreed so willingly. Now what would he tell them? And what would he tell Naani?...... That he had failed?.... That sun had gone down again on His and Chandni's fight...... At least for Naani's peace of mind, Chandni, come! Please Come!
Kis kis ko bataayenge Judaai ka sabab hum
Tu mujh se khafa hai to jamaane ke liye aa
Why can we not contain this dissent within the two of us?Hadn't she requested it herself earlier? Then why couldn't she at least make it happen that they behaved like a normal married couple in front of the world?
Pahale se Maraasim na sahi fir bhi kabhi toh
Rasm-o-rahe Duniya hi nibhaane ke liye aa
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Njoy the beautiful Gazal, orginally sung be Mehendi Hassan and now by Ali Sethi.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pba_YmWDAIU
What's happening between this loving couple? How happily he used to tease her calling her Achchu ki Mummy and now that same happiness is turning into deepest grief and cause of rift between the two.
But let's not lose heart. From previous experience, something substantial happens every time these two separate. Last time it was Gangaram's annihilation. Before that, during the show, suddenly a family of Advay had cropped up.
This time let's hope and pray for the best.
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Jyotiindia @Jyotiindia 3 years ago Hi, great story! Very intense and gripping...I am not sure i follow the sequence though, is there another chapter post this or is this the last one here?