~ SS ~ Dead Love ~ Thd 3 ~ Author's Note Pg 24 (13/08/14)

Hakim Sahibas made their way out of the hojraah whereas Hameeda and Moti sat back on the couch in a corner. Jalal was beside an unconscious Jodha.

A lot of things had happened this morning. Firstly, Hameeda had got to know about all the sad happenings that had taken place with her children; Secondly, Jodha had got to know a lot from her mother-in-law and that, how she had mistaken her husband; And thirdly, Jodha had attempted suicide which had left everyone with their hearts in their mouths.

Hameeda sat all quietly. She was greatly shaken by this incident. Only the fact that Jodha was okay gave her some sort of peace.

But obviously, most shocked and hurt was Jalal. Somewhere, he held himself guilty for Jodha's condition. If only he had not gone on a war, if only he was there by her side when she needed him the most, if only he had told her the truth that he had been on a war and that is why could not make upto her, if only he had cleared all the misunderstandings she was having in her mind when he very well knew that she must be so broken by all these things... If only!

He had been under immense emotional trauma since the moment he had come to know about the miscarriage mishap. But he had chosen the other way. Despite of such a shocking thing, he controlled his tears and determined to console his wife first. He wanted to take away all her pains and worries.

But things had turned out really worse. He was really in a trance after he had seen her almost lifeless form sinking in that deadly water. He had got deadly goose bumps after he had witnessed her going all pale and feeble. This was very very shakening for him. Never in his wildest dreams had he thought about losing her, witnessing her dying was almost a heart attack.

He did not realise when his palm automatically reached to her forehead and started caressing it. His eyes were fixed on her closed eyes and his right palm seemed to comfort her forehead. As the time slowly passed, his anger and fear turned into worry and sadness. The tear which had formed at the corner of his eye, slowly trickled down his cheek and fell on Jodha's hand.

Slowly and steadily, the morning passed and late afternoon arrived. Jalal was still beside her. Hameeda had now shifted her place from the couch to Jodha's bedside. She was still in an unbelievable shock.

Jalal's tears had dried by now. In every second that had passed, his heart had prayed to Allah for Jodha's well-being. He again did not realise when his palm left her forehead and got intertwined with that of her. He had clutched to her palm, like he didn't want to let her go anywhere. Both Jalal and Hameeda were waiting for Jodha to gain her conscious. They both had not exchanged a single word from morning. Jalal did not want to confront his mother for her carelessness as he was too shattered at that moment and Hameeda did not have courage to speak anything.

Finally as more time passed, early evening arrived. The sky became a little darker. Jalal, with much difficulty, shifted his eyes from her to his mother. She looked so remorseful. He knew she was very worried and scared and he also knew that everything had happened unintentionally. He asked her in a low tone ,"Ammi Jaan... Aapne subha se kuch khaaya nahi hai.. Aap jaakar kuch khaa lijiye.. Hum hain Jodha Begum ke paas.."

Hameeda was relieved to have heard atleast some words from him. She said gloomily ," Nahi Jalal... Jab tak Jodha beta theek nahi ho jaatin.. Tab tak hum kuch nahi khaayenge.. Ye sab humari wajah se hua hai.. Hum apne aapko kabhi muaf nahi karenge.."

God! As if the circumstances weren't worse enough, his Ammi Jaan was upto all these notions. 'Okay agreed that she was really upset from everything that had happened but what was the point in avoiding food for this. It would only worsen the things.' Jalal was a man of practicality. He was about to order her Ammi Jaan now, but suddenly stopped himself when he felt Jodha's tender fingers struggling to move a little in the gentle grip of his palm.

All his attention again went back to her. He looked at her moving fingers. He also saw that she was rolling her eyes in her unconsciousness. Finally it seemed like she was going to wake up after a long sleep. There was a sudden glow on Jalal's face. His eyes gleamed with hopes and happiness. Hameeda was elated as well.

Jalal gently rubbed Jodha's palm so as to provide all the comfort and warmth he could. Gradually, Jodha opened her eyes. Jalal immediately called for some Baandhis and asked them to bring all the suitable food that Hakim Saahibaas had prescribed/recommended. Hameeda instantly got up and said that she would herself go and bring the food for she did not want to take any risk in case of Jodha. Jalal agreed with her and Hameeda left the room.

Jodha's vision was blurry at first. She could feel that she was breathing but she did not know whether she was alive in this world or she was elsewhere. Last thing she could remember was her prayer to Kanhaa that she had recited before giving up herself in the claws of death.

As she took her own time to realise what was actually happening with her, Jalal simply gazed at her with immense relief in his eyes. Biggest fears of his life had died down. He gently freed his palm from hers and wiped the lone tear that was clinging at the corner of his eye. His face had a slight smile now.

Jodha was almost in her conscious by now. She felt his presence near her. Slowly, her eyes met his and only then did she realise, that yes, she was alive and that, he was near her. Strangely, she felt relieved to witness his smiling face but then, suddenly her heart started beating faster. Oh my God! All the flashbacks of her having the horrible miscarriage, no one being there by her side during the bad times, her accusing him of being only a fake heartless person, her offering herself to him to feast upon her... cascaded through her mind. She was immensely shocked with all those thoughts. Her forehead started sweating. Jodha immediately tried to get up but was suddenly brought to a halt when Jalal gently held her by her shoulders and again made her lay back on the bed.

"Aap leti rahiye Jodha Begum..Aapki tabiyat theek nahi hai abhi..Aaram farmaiye" was all he could say in a low and soft tone. He was so relieved to see her awake but he was well aware of the fact that she was really upset from herself.

Jodha laid back again. Jalal tenderly covered her with the cozy blanket as the evening was getting colder. He moved back to his seat and silently observed her.

Jodha, by now, had understood that she had been saved from dying. She found something weird within herself. Whenever he was near her, she used to feel a strange mix of scariness and creepiness. But today for some reason, she found herself safe and secure. Her mind said that he was the one who had done the worst crime to her, but her heart said that this man had repented enough and that, he was really concerned for her. Her heart also said that she had mistaken him poorly. She had to choose one among them; either her mind or her heart.

Anyways, she put aside those thoughts for some time and looked away. She definitely did not have the courage to meet his eyes.

On the other hand, Jalal, who was angry on her for the lethal and deadly action she had done but had not shown up that anger yet, was back to a soft Jalal as he witnessed those soft doe like eyes looking away. He continued to gaze at her.

For some more time, there was an awkward stillness. Finally, Jalal decided to break the silence.

"Jodha Begum.. Kya hum aapse kuch puch sakte hain?"..

Jodha was still in a dilemma. She didn't know how to face him. How would she face the person who had genuinely apologized for his crime, had called her parents in the biggest celebration of her life and she had just plainly mistaken him to be a womanizer. She kept quiet and didn't answer.

After not getting any response in return, Jalal tried to cheer her up. He knew that he had to be angry on her.. He knew that she owed an explanation to everyone for this action of hers. But at this moment, she was already shattered and he didn't want to worry her more. In fact, his sole aim was to make her cheerful and happy. He wanted her to know that he really loved her and the fact that she no more carried his baby didn't matter to him.

"Jodha begum.. hum aapse kuch zaruri baat karna chahte hain.."

This time, Jodha looked at him. Her eyes which were moist were now full of tears. Jalal's heart skipped a beat seeing her in tears.

"Sha..Shahenshah...humein ksha..kshama kar dijiye.." she struggled to say from her choking throat. As if this was less heartrending, Jalal noticed her palms trying to meet each in order to apologise to him. Jalal was literally moved at this gesture.

He immediately held both her palms with utmost softness. He nodded a NO to her. He asked her not to apologise with his expressions. He wanted to comfort her verbally but he cursed his voice which was not helping him. His throat was choking with her remorseful sight.

Finally he cleared his throat and determined to say all that which was true and would comfort her.

"Jodha Begum.. Aapko muaafi maangne ki zarurat nahi hai..(With this, he made his grip on her palms a little stronger so as to really and genuine console her) Humein aapse koi shikwaa nahi hai.." (As he said this, Jodha looked into his eyes..)

Both of these were so lost in the emotions and pain, that they had literally forgotten of the past issues between them. The new found concern and care was taking the place of old bitterness. This deep impactful emotional moment had the power to make them caress each others' hands, this had the power to make them converse with each other.

Jalal continued ,"Haan humein dukh hai ke aapne ye kadam uthaayaa.. Jahaan tak hum aapko jaante hain..aap to bahut himmatwaali haina.. phir aapne ye kyun kiyaa.. par sach keh rahe hain..hum aapse naaraz nahi hain..kyonki vo haq to hum kabkaa kho chuke hain..Balki hum to aap par koi haq bhi nahi jata sakte..."

Of the last few words he spoke, they both were obviously reminded of that night and its consequences. And after he spoke that he had lost the right to get angry on her, or to question her or to do anything to her, he tried to take back his hand from hers. To his great surprise, Jodha held his hand and didn't allow him to back off his hand.

Jalal looked up into her moist eyes. A tear trickled down his cheek.

*BG starts*

Jalal held onto her palm tightly now and both of them were lost in each others' eyes.

Jalal's BGM -

Tere liye ... Hum hain jiye..

Har aansoon piye..

Tere liye..Hum hain jiye..

Honthon ko siye..

Dil mein magar..Jalte rahe..

Chaahat ke diye.. TERE LIYE...TERE LIYE..

The wind was now calmer and cooler. Jodha could understand what he was trying to convey from his eyes. But she didn't feel the same for him. She didn't love him. She looked away, hence breaking the eye lock.

Jodha's BGM - (She sings for her lost child)

Tere liye ... Hum hain jiye..

Har aansoon piye..

Tere liye..Hum hain jiye..

Honthon ko siye..

Dil mein magar..Jalte rahe..

Chaahat ke diye.. TERE LIYE...TERE LIYE..

Jalal knew what Jodha was going through. Tears rolled down Jodha's eyes as she recalled all the sweet memories she had shared with her unborn baby. Jalal could only stare the helpless Jodha. He could not stop his tears. Even his tears flowed down effortlessly. He himself was reminded of the sweet moments that Jodha and the baby shared.

Jodha's sobs turned into loud cries sometime later. She was unable to control all the pain she had within herself. She was so frustrated within. She cried out loud. And Jalal saw her weeping in pain. Jodha's outburst caused Jalal to freak.

"Jodha Begum.. Shh.. chup ho jaiye..".. he said, looking deep into her eyes.

Both of them were undergoing the worst part of their life. Jalal slowly moved his hand towards Jodha's cheeks and gently wiped off the tears that were flowing out constantly. Jodha didn't resist his touch. Not that she wanted him to comfort her, not at all. But she had now realized that Jalal was genuine all the while and it would be selfish and evil of her to decline to genuine emotions. To be frank, his touch somewhere soothed her as it reminded it of the feelings that she had felt when her baby was within her.

Jodha tried to get up from the bed, and this time, Jalal helped her in getting up. Jodha slowly rested her back on the backsupport of bed and closed her eyes. She took a deep breathe and tried to calm herself down.

Jalal got up and went to bring to some water for her. Whereas, Jodha just took deep breaths. In no time, Jalal was again beside her with a glass of water and he offered it to her. Jodha took the glass and gulped down a little water from it. The water seemed to calm down her quick-paced heartbeats.

"Jodha Begum.. Humein lagta hai ki humein ye dardnaak haadsaa bhulakar aage badhna chaahiye.. Pata nahi aapko yeh sunkar kaisa lagega..lekin Hum aapko is tarah dard mein nahi dekh sakte.." said Jalal while taking back the glass from her.

Jalal turned away to put the glass on the table. Now he turned back to Jodha to see what effect did his words have on her. To his amazement, he found her resting with her eyes closed. He whispered gently ," Jodha Begum.."

There was no answer from her. Soon he realized that sleep had taken over Jodha. It was all the effects of medicine. A faint smile crept across his face. He was glad that Jodha had let her emotions flow out from herself. He wanted her to cry and let her pain out. And she had almost done that. He slowly made her lay down on the bed in a comfortable way and covered her with the blanket.

One hour later...

Jodha stood near the window side and blankly stared into the dark starry sky. The moon was unusually beaming with a celestial radiance. The only source of some light in this otherwise gloomy sky was that beaming moon. She continued to gaze at it without blinking her eyes. Soft wind was blowing and the atmosphere was calmer. After gazing at the moon for another ten minutes, she turned around.

What she saw thereafter sent her into a peculiar amazement. She looked at his sleeping form on the couch. A very faint smile crept across her face as she remembered his words which he had said a short while ago.

Jodha Begum... Hum aapki aankhon mein ek bhi aansoon nahi dekh sakte... Hum apne kiye ki kitni hi maafi maanglein...humara gunaah maafi ke laayak hai hi nahi... lekin phir bhi hum chaahte hain ki aap ek bhi aansoon naa bahayein... Ek aur bohot zaroori baat kehna chaahte hain aapse... Hum aapse bilkul bhi naaraz nahi hain... Aapki jagah koi aur bhi hota, toh shaayad wo bhi yahi karta.. Hum aapse bas yahi kehnaa chaahte hain ki aap humare dil mein bohot ahemiyat rakhthi hain... Kisi ke kuch bhi kehne se humaari nazaron mein aapka maan sammaan kam nahi ho jaayega... Hum aapse mohabbat karte hain... aur yeh bhi jaante hain ki aap humse kabhi mohabbat nahi kar payengi... mohabbat toh door ki baat hai...aap humein maaf bhi kardein toh bohot hoga...aur sach maaniye..toh yahi saza hai humare liye ki aap humse naaraaz rahein... lekin hum yeh bilkul bardaasht nahi kar sakte ki aap dukhi ho... chaliye bohot kuch keh liya humne...ab aap so jaaiye...aapko aaraam ki zaroorat hai..' she recalled his words.

She hadn't said a word in reply to him. She had only stared at him when he had said all those words as she was busy in reading his eyes and heart. She could genuinely feel his concern, yet she hadn't uttered a word. It was just not easy for her to say anything. No doubt she had forgiven him long back and that was the first and last time she was giving him another chance. Her fears and dark memories had also died down because of his concern and care. Yet, that incident had left a deep scar on her soul which some or the other point of time haunted her. But of course, she had learnt to overcome those blurry haunting memories. Maybe, she just needed some more time to get fully recovered from those dark memories.

He had covered her with a cozy blanket and sat by her side for around fifteen minutes. He would have sat there by her side whole night just like that, if Jodha had not asked him to rest. She had made a gracious request to him and he had abided by it kindly.

Jalal had gone to the couch to rest. He wanted to talk to her a lot more than what he had talked but keeping in mind her health; he thought the better of it.

She snapped out of her thoughts and very slowly moved towards him. She was obviously sleepless now. She had rested for enough and she didn't feel like lying down again. Even the medications couldn't stop her.

She slowly moved towards him and saw that he hadn't covered himself with any sort of blanket. The night was chilly and yet she could notice his forehead sweating. For the first time in her married life, she felt a little worried for him. She could clearly realize that he was too worried for her health and during all the recent happenings; he hadn't cared enough for himself.

She reached to his couch side and sat near him. She had seen his monstrous form long back, she had witnessed his apologetic form some time back, she had seen his caring nature too; but today she was witnessing his innocent form. For some reason, she couldn't see him so worried and broken like this. She could see for herself that he had been under so much pain after the mishap for even he had lost his child.

She gently got up so that he didn't get disturbed, brought a soft and dry satin cloth from her cupboard and went back to Jalal's couch side. She lifted the cloth to his forehead. She was feeling hesitated a bit but then, her conscience finally showed her the right way. She very slowly and softly wiped off the sweat from his forehead. Jalal was in a profound sleep as he had got very tired too; emotionally, physically and mentally. If only he knew that she had showed this soft concern for him, his heavy heart would have breathed a huge sigh of relief.

After she dried his forehead, she very kindly placed her soft fingers on his forehead and very gently fondled his tresses (hair). She was semi-consciously lost in his troubled profile and she couldn't stop herself from caressing his forehead and locks.

From his words that he had spoken to her, she could get the point that he had come to know about that Begum who had offended her. For some reason, she could feel his pain that he must be undergoing because of his own people and yet he was covering his worries only to care for her. She felt moved from all this concern coming from him. He had changed a lot for her.

After caressing his forehead for around five to ten minutes, she got up and covered him with a warm blanket. She could feel an unusual relief in her heart. Were the things settling down for better after the big storm had passed by?' she wondered.

She moved back to her bed and lied down. She didn't know what life would bring for her next morning. She was just satisfied with the fact that things were getting better.