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Polemic Jackanapes: Chapter 13
"Bhaiyya zara jaldi kariya naa" she pleaded desperately, as the feeling of helplessness and urgency took over her senses. She cursed the traffic that was moving at a snail's pace and swore loudly earning a reproachful look from the cab driver, but she was beyond caring. It was the middle of the f**king night for God's sake, one would think the traffic would give it a break! She needed to get to him. Arnav. He never did appreciate her swearing. "Its just wrong" he'd say teasingly, "that words so filthy should come out of a mouth so pretty". She would stick her tongue out at him but would keep in words in check. Arnav. She couldn't remember the last time she felt this terrified. Arnav. Would she find him there? Would she get there on time? He wasn't one to do something stupid, was he? Arnav!, she chanted in her mind, a prayer. Please be okay. What the hell happened ?
"Bhaiyya, aap jaldi kyun nahi chalte?" she shrieked, very close to losing her temper. "Aapko jaldi ka matlab samajh nahi aata?" She wanted to physically drag the driver out of the cab and drive down to the farmhouse herself. Instead she closed her fists tight, her nails biting into her palms harshly, in an attempt to compose herself. No, this wouldn't do. If she wanted to help him, she needed to be strong. Level headed. At least on the outside.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
~~
Few hours back
She had been waiting all day to tell him about her meeting that morning. She wanted to see the joy on his face. She wanted to tell him she was nervous. She wanted his words of reassurance.
But then, this day was perhaps about him, she thought. He would meet Aman today. He would take up his first case today. He would make his friend happy. He would bring justice to that innocent woman. And he would discover himself, he would learn what she already knew - that he was truly extraordinary.
She had called him up after her conversation with her mother. She couldn't tell her Dad yet, but she did wanted desperately to share this with Arnav. She'd called him, her calls were unanswered. He must be busy, she thought. His friend needed him today.
She found it difficult to swallow all that food. She had to tell Arnav about her meeting! And he had to tell her about his! It was an important day for the both of them, she realised. She called him. Again. And again. This was unlike him, he usually made it a point to at least send her a text. Oh, but Aman deserved his undivided attention today. She'd call him later.
She couldn't sleep. So much for her weekend power naps. She just couldn't. She spent all afternoon solving crossword puzzles. No, puzzle. It was as if her brain had shut down doors to all thoughts except that of Arnav. And a nagging feeling. Why did she feel so jittery? He'd call back soon. He would.
Why hadn't he called yet? Was everything okay? She felt far from optimistic at this point. Where was he? She was frantic now, dialing and redialing his number every twenty seconds. Her Jiji had noticed something was off. Payal had called up Aakash then. Nothing. Zilch.
There was no way she could eat dinner. Not when she was worried sick, like she was now. He hadn't called. His phone rang and rang but he wouldn't pick up. Why? Surely, his meeting couldn't last so long. What was the matter? Was everything okay? Had he just forgotten his phone somewhere? Then why hadn't he called her from another phone? No, there had to be a reason. Everything would be okay. Right ?
Nothing was okay. Nothing at all. She'd sent him texts. She had called his friends, his colleagues. She had even managed to dig out Sinha's number and speak to him. He was a kind old man. But he didn't know where Arnav was. Just like everyone else. She was worried, terrified, angry, distraught. She could feel her gut twist painfully as she tried to keep the unpleasant thoughts at bay. And then, finally, he'd taken her call.
She hadn't allowed him to speak. She had unleashed on him all the anguish that had been building up within her since that morning. She had called him an irresponsible dolt and then said "I love you". A useless pig. "Are you okay?" bas***d. "Didn't you know I would be worried?" f**king moron. "Where were you all day?" Worthless idiot. "Didn't you miss me at all?"
"I love you. I cannot live without you."
.
.
.
"Khushi - "
A broken, anguished whisper. That was all he said. She knew that was all he could say. Everything wasn't right after all. He was miserable. In the pits of despair. And very possibly drunk. She knew what she had to do.
"I'm coming for you, Arnav." Before she cut the call, "Trust me." she added as an afterthought.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
~~
He had to be at the farmhouse, something told her. That was the place he turned to whenever he was overwhelmed.. no matter what it was that overwhelmed him. Joy or despair, pride or insecurity, love or anger. He'd deal with it alone, only her and his beloved flowers the privileged ones who were allowed a peek inside his heart and his mind. The farmhouse offered him the peace and quiet he desired at such times. It was also a place that was special to the both of them, the walls and the flowers in the garden a witness to their most cherished moments, the sweetest secrets. The place had the power to heal him like nothing else. Yes, he'd be there now. He had to be there.
She had been on the roads for almost an hour before the driver finally brought her to her destination. She paid the driver and almost ran towards the front door. She decided against ringing the bell, just in case he had fallen asleep. She fetched the keys from her purse and gingerly opened the door. He wasn't in the hall, and there was pin drop silence. She took a minute to calm down. Panicking wouldn't do.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
He wasn't in the front room. She pushed aside the lush curtains that separated the hall and the dining room. And there he was. A glass half full with amber liquid still held lightly in his palm as his head rested on the table, his other hand lying limp on his side.
"Arnav!" she said softly. She had wanted to scream, to shout. Only the voice just wouldn't come out. Had he passed out ? She didn't have to think much longer.
"Don't worry, I'm not drunk" he said in a small yet serious voice without raising his head from the table top. "But I did drink more than you'd have liked." he said, his voice sounding almost child like.
She didn't know what to say, what was there to to say anyway? He was the one who'd have to do the talking, but perhaps now was not the time. So she walked up to him, sat down on the chair next to his and placed her hand on his head, gently treading her fingers through his hair. She heard his breath hitch for a second and then even out after he let out a tired sigh. Slowly, he raised his head after a few long minutes, looking straight into her eyes. And the gasp was out before she could stop it. His eyes bloodshot. his hair disheveled, his nose flaring, lips set in a firm line. He looked... defeated.
"Wh-..what happened, Arnav?" the words pricking at her throat. To hell with the right time.
He lowered his head and looked away, evading her question. She had no reason to be surprised. So she asked again. "Tell me what it is, Arnav. Please, baby."
Baby. That was an endearment she seldom used. They both knew what this meant. She was by his side. Always.
He closed his eyes for a long moment, she could see that he was finally allowing himself to think about it. This wouldn't be pleasant. Whatever it was, would become much more real, and therefore much more painful, in the next few moments as her told her about it. But it had to be done. She just wished he'd do it in one stroke, for her and for himself. And he did.
"Lavanya committed suicide last night." he said finally, his voice deadpan. He looked up at her and smiled sardonically at her shocked face. He sighed.
"Thats just the beginning, Khushi. When Aman found out he assaulted her husband, and now he has been arrested. Being weekend, I cannot even get him out on bail." his voice still devoid of any emotion. But the slight shiver in his body didn't escape her notice.
Eyes wide open and jaw dropped, she sat there in front of him like a statue unable to respond. She couldn't think straight, couldn't speak, couldn't move.
How? Why? Lavanya! Arnav...
She felt parched. She picked up the glass that was previously in his hands and gulped the scotch in one go. As it burnt her throat, she felt her nerves ease. She allowed the warmth to seep in to her being, finally able to breathe effortlessly. She would deal with this later, right now this was about Arnav. She noticed him looking at her intently, trying to draw strength from her but failing miserably. It scared her. She knew this would break something within him. What if she was unable to fix it ? Payal's words rang in her head.Its an internal battle. He will have to get though this on his own.
She felt the back of his palm on her cheek; the scotch she had downed a while back didn't have half the warmth he held at the tip of his fingers. She was surprised to see him smiling. A genuine smile.
"Chain of thoughts." he said, as if reading her mind. "This whole thing reminds me of something Maa used to say. Time and tide wait for none. She'd repeat this every day like a chant and we'd mimic her and have a good laugh. Its not so funny anymore. But I am smiling. Because-"
"Because every thought about Maa always makes you smile." she completed it for him.
"Yes" he smiled again. But it was gone in a second, only to be replaced by a look of pure agony. Of guilt and desperation and anger at oneself. Unmasked. She was relieved, a little. This is how he was supposed to feel, and he was allowing himself to feel it. It was better than hiding behind the facade of indifference or sarcastic words or worse, self deprecating jokes. Not that he was one to indulge in that.
"What have I done, Khushi ?" his timbre frenzied as he rubbed his eyes furiously. "One day. All I had to do was be ready just one day earlier. Just about 24 hours. Maa was right, time doesn't wait for anyone. Its a cruel bitch that takes perverse pleasure in watching the world burn. Like the Joker. Like bloody Mogambo."he laughed hysterically.
"Arnav, its not-"
"Don't" he screamed, startling her. "DO NOT say it. Its IS my fault. I had a chance to stop this and I didn't. I was so busy trying to get over my own issues with confidence and doubts that I ended up taking everything else in the world for granted. Do you realise Khushi - one friggin day! I was late by one day, and things could have been different. Lavanya may have been alive. My friend may have had hope. This is on me, Khushi. This one is on me. And please don't try and tell me otherwise."
She didn't realise when the tears that had been pricking her back of her eyes for so long began to flow freely down her face. She saw him cringe as he noticed her wiping her tears, and a whole new wave of guilt wash over him. He hugged her close and mumbled a soft sorry, unable to say anything more. She held him in her arms and rubbed his back in soothingly. Hoping to physically rid him of all the pain.
How had it come to this? This was supposed to be a big day for him, for them. How had everything gone so wrong in such little time?
No, they would get through this. She would make sure of it.
He will have to get though this on his own.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Note: You know now why I did not want to post this on Diwali. Events in this chapter are far from pleasant and I did not want to dampen the spirit of the festival. Also note that I am not trying to glorify suicide here. I have no right to judge others' choices but I do know that there is nothing brave or romantic or glorious about suicide. Life is precious, priceless.
Edited by vgedin - 11 years ago
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