Chapter 18
Payal took another look at herself in the mirror of the dimly lit restroom. She looked stunning in a deep maroon dress. She blessed Khushi for that day a few years back when she had forced her to buy this dress. For someone who spent almost all her time either working or with family, she had never even considered indulging in something of this sort. But Khushi has managed to convince her to make an exception just that once.
She looked beautiful and she knew it. If that weren't enough, the look on Aakash's face when he had come to pick her up from her place had left no doubt in her mind. For the first time in her life, Payal had decided to dress up for someone else, look beautiful for someone else. And it had been worth the effort, she had seen the appreciation in his eyes.
But where it didn't help, was in easing her nerves. She had no idea how she was supposed to behave on this date. Furthermore, Aakash had remembered her love for Thai food and brought her to one of the finest Thai restaurants in town. She was almost about to admonish him for choosing what looked like a rather expensive place, but decided that for this evening, she would just admire the beauty and enjoy his attention. But that was easier said than done.
However, watching her tongue was the least of her worries tonight. She had yet to tell Aakash about the offer from Duke, and she had no clue how to broach that topic. She had kept the news to herself last week as he had been too busy and she didn't want to burden him with another worry. And this evening, she had hardly been able to speak at all. The unmasked fire of desire in his eyes had left her tongue tied the whole time.
The deal he had been working on tirelessly for the past few months had finally come through, and he had wanted to celebrate that with her. And to apologise for being unable to spend any time with her, he admitted. It had been his idea to take her on a date, a "real date", he had said. He had even kept the venue a secret, wanting to surprise her when he actually took her there. "I am so sorry, Payal." he had repeated several times, and then promised that he would now make sure to spend time with her.
Which made the task of telling him about her fellowship all the more difficult. She had hoped looking this alluring would help - that he would be too stunned to say anything and she would take the opportunity to tell him about Duke. He was stunned, just as she had expected. What she had not expected was to see was the fire blazing in his eyes, the fire she seemed to have stoked. It didn't render him speechless, instead his words had been laced with unabashed desire, and he made no attempt to hide any other signs of the same. His eyes were darker, his voice somehow huskier. And in the end, she was the one at a loss for words.
This wouldn't work, she thought. She had to tell him. Now. Taking one last look at the mirror to ensure her lipstick was right in place, Payal made her way back to their table. Aakash himself looked dapper in a cream coloured striped shirt with a pair of deep brown trousers and a matching suit.
She gave him a slight smile and took her seat. The next second, she felt him place his hand on hers.
She saw the menu placed on the table and realised she was famished. She decided to wait until after the dinner to break the news. Who wants to ruin a meal!, she told herself.
Skimming through leaves of the menu, "What would you like to have, Aakash?"
"You. And if it were up to me, right now." he replied, casually, as if it were the most normal thing to say.
And for the nth time that evening, Payal had no comeback. He knew the effect he was having on her, and from the looks of it, he was enjoying every bit. He then winked, making her open her mouth wide in shock. The incorrigible man! Did he not know how to behave!
As entertaining as it was - the sight of a flustered Payal Gupta - Aakash gave her hand a reassuring squeeze in an attempt to ease her nerves. At the end of the day, he wanted her to enjoy the night.
"Almost all that they serve here is great; at least that's what I hear. I've been here once before. A client suggested this place for a lunch meeting. I had the red curry with rice, which was spectacular. I have wanted to bring you here since that day." he said genuinely.
"You were thinking about me during your meeting?" she teased.
"I think about you all the time." he smirked.
He was on a roll today, she realised. His charm turned on full throttle, she realised she was floored by his charms, and willingly so. Any efforts at a witty comeback had been futile.
She mock-admonished him with a glare, and closed the menu book in her hands. "I am having the red curry then. What about you? And don't say anything... saucy this time."
Chuckling, he went through the list again and deciding what to order, placed the order for the both of them.
*
*
The night was pleasant and breezy. As they waited for the valet to come bring Aakash's car, Payal allowed herself the luxury of admiring the clear skies, while Aakash just tried to control the growing restlessness and urgency in his body. He had hardly been able to enjoy his food, Payal had made sure of that. First with dress that he was sure was designed to kill, and then with the small, rather innocent moans she had made throughout the dinner. Those were the most erotic sounds he had ever heard and it had been a herculean task to keep his hands and his mouth to himself. He almost cursed himself for bringing her to a Thai restaurant, and even more for allowing her to order dessert. He had always been attracted to Payal but it had reached a whole new height tonight. And from what he could see, she was completely oblivious to the effect she had on him. He had tried to flirt and make jokes in a desperate attempt to get himself together. And it had thrilled him see Payal flustered, and revelled in the joy of the fact that he was the only one who could make her blush so prettily, smile so freely.
Apart from all of that, he had noticed certain nervousness in Payal. At first he had assumed it was because of the date, or perhaps because of the way he had been flirting with her. But in some time he realised there was more to it. It was so conspicuous because Payal was hardly ever nervous or unsure; her eyes always sparkled with an unwavering faith in herself and her actions. And he had seen doubts clouding that very spark several times tonight, right from the time he had come to receive her at the apartment.
He was sure she would come to him with it eventually, but the thought did not do much to soothe his worries. He saw Payal lost in her thoughts as she looked up at the skies with a small smile bedecking her chiselled face. She looked so much at peace, he wanted to capture this moment in his heart forever. Just then he saw the valet arrive with his car.
Walking up to Payal, "Shall we?" he spoke softly into her ear, breaking the trance she seemed to be lost in. "Sure" she said after a moment; they got into the car and began their ride back home.
*
*
She had no idea where to start. The night had been nothing short of perfect, and she felt terrible for having to be the one who could potentially ruin it. He had given himself to her completely today, and had made every effort to make her feel wanted and special, showering her with attention. And here she was, about to tell him that she would probably leave the city and go away for two years.
Suddenly, she felt him hold her hand and place it on his thigh. The understanding look in his eyes took her breath away. Why did he have to be so nice? It would have been far easier to get over with this if she had something to hold against him. He had been incredibly busy last few weeks but had apologised profusely and was doing everything to make up for it. Had he simply defended his position, asserting that it was important for him to work and that wasn't something he needed to apologise for, her job would have been much simpler. Instead, he had expressed regret at being unable to be with her, in turn increasing her own sense of guilt manifold.
They were both silent throughout the drive, and it was palpable to Payal that he was giving her time to work out whatever the matter was in her mind. He had given her a memorable evening and she hadn't even expressed her gratitude. Anybody else would have taken offense, but not Aakash. She had always assumed she was the more practical, more pragmatic one. But she had often found herself pleasantly surprised with Aakash's astuteness. Like his brother, he was a man of few words. Yet, while Arnav was passionate and emotional, Aakash was an epitome of quiet understanding. He did tend to have an unpredictable temper, but that was something she could deal with.
She noticed they were coming close to her house; the night was almost over. She had to tell him now. Her hand was still resting on his thigh, right where he had placed it. She was about to pull it back when she heard a firm "Don't" from Aakash. He drove through lanes leading up to her house, but to her surprise, instead of driving into her apartment complex, he took a turn that led to the small park at the far end of the road. She didn't question him; he was buying them some time and giving her the space she needed. And the park was one of her favourite haunts, a place she considered a second home.
It was Khushi who had brought her there for the first time. She had learnt later that it used to be a privately owned park at the time the Guptas had come to live in the locality. But soon, the owners of the little park, who lived in a small independent house next to it had moved out of the city without selling any of their property. They never returned, and Payal admitted to herself that she was secretly happy that was the case. But also hoped that the owners were safe and doing well!
Khushi had discovered the park one evening when she lost her way home while returning from her classes. Later that week, Khushi had all but dragged her Jiji to show her the lonely park with the beautiful flowers. The park was at the secluded end of a road, and hence there were hardly any visitors. She had fallen in love with the little place, and the scent of the night jasmines that bloomed along the fence of the little place. The only other person she had shared this treasured secret with was Aakash.
Even after all these years, the scent never failed to calm her senses. They both got off the car and silently made their way inside the park through the rusty, creaky gates. She knew it was time, she had to tell him now and couldn't evade it any more.
Taking a deep breath, "Aakash, theres something I-"
He took her lips in a searing kiss before she could say anything more. So stunned was she from his sudden move that it took a few long seconds before she could respond the kiss. Clutching her hair in a firm grip, he deepened the kiss - finally kissing her the way he had wanted to since she had stepped out in that dress looking like an angel. He wanted to steal this moment before Payal said whatever it was that was on her mind.
He hadn't intended to carry it forward; just a kiss, he'd thought. But the tiny moan that escaped her mouth when he nipped at her bottom lip was enough to make him lose all control. With a grunt he pulled closer to himself, his movements urgent and feverish as he sought to touch her bare skin. The high boat-neck of her dress came in his way and in a haze he tugged at her zipper.
*
*
She had always enjoyed kissing him, not just because of the physical pleasure that coursed through her whenever they did that, but also because his proximity seemed to make her forget everything else in the world and just live in moment.
The kiss had taken her by surprise, but within seconds she had kissed him back zealously, revelling in the familiar feeling of being in his arms, of being consumed by him. She felt his need to make the most of this moment, a need reflecting hers. When he pulled her even closer, she willingly pressed herself into his welcoming hardness.
It was only when he tugged at her neckline and then her zipper did she come to her senses, realising where they were and what they were doing. The park wasn't well frequented, yet it was a place out in the open. More importantly, this was not what she was supposed to do right now. She could procrastinate no longer.
She stilled and pulled back from the kiss; holding his face in her palms, "Aakash" she said softly, her breathing still heavy. "We shouldn't...I mean, we need to-"
"I know" he said; he loosened his grip on her but held her in his embrace. Letting out a breath she hadn't even realised she was holding, Payal relaxed and placed her head on his shoulder, her hands leaving his face to wind her arms around his waist. She felt him close her zipper and smoothen her dress before he pulled back from the hug.
To her surprise, he turned around and walked a few steps away from her. "Just spill it out Payal, whatever it is. I want to get it over with. I know I said I wanted this evening to be perfect, but we cannot be on edge like this anymore. Just tell me what it is? ", he asked, still refusing to turn around and face her.
She walked up to him and placing her hand on his shoulder, urged him to look at her. In response, his simply held her hand that was on his shoulder in a firm grip.
Without mincing words, "I have been offered a fellowship at the Duke University Medical Center. If I take it up, I will have to leave in three months from now. Its an 18 months program." she said - slowly, clearly. And braced herself for his response.
To Payal, the silence that followed was asphyxiating. He didn't say anything, or show any reaction for that matter. His stance was straight and rigid, betraying absolutely nothing.
"Aakash" she urged, battling the dread that almost chokes her. "Please say something."
She noticed his shoulders stoop for a brief second before he turned around and looked at her. His expression was still, calm; his eyes clear. There were no questions or anger as she had expected - but there wasn't anything else either. He was calm and composed, almost... cold.
"What is there for me to say, Payal?" he finally said, his voice as firm and cold as his body. It made her extremely uncomfortable that he already seemed to have distanced himself from her.
"You have nothing to say? About... all that I just said? I may be moving away for more than a year, Aakash. Does that not affect you at all?"
"It affects me, alright. But I'm unsure if that matters to you. What do you want me to say here, Payal?" he crossed his arms and looked right into her eyes, daring her to answer him, as if certain that she wouldn't be able to justify herself.
"What do I want you to say? Akash, please don't do this... it is already very difficult for me and -"
"Difficult for you?" he almost sniggered, trying his best to hide the hurt that threatened to overcome him and his actions. "If it was so difficult for you, Payal, why didn't you come to me before? You apply for a program, get selected, make your mind to go and after all that is done, you finally decide to come and tell me about it. And now you want me to say something? Why...so you can fulfil a formality or do you just want my validation of your decision?"
"Its not like that!" she snapped. She was hurt by his response but more than that, she was angry. He had taken no time to hurl accusations at her the first chance he got, and Payal Gupta was not one to accept such nonsense. "Firstly, I applied to this program months ago, at a time when our relationship was just a series of occasional, juvenile clandestine meetings at my place. I wasn't even serious about it when I applied, and they made an offer only a few days ago. Had you not been too busy for even a bloody phone call, I would have told you before. "
"Oh so this is all my fault now?" he scorned.
"Maybe it is. But I am not done yet, and I don't like to be interrupted, Aakash. Tell me, Aakash, when did I even say I was going? I said I may go', but of course you didn't hear that. You just heard the part that would help you hold all this against me and declare me an unworthy lover, isn't it?"
It was all too much, and so Payal gave up trying to mask her pain and allowed herself to shed tears, in front of the man she loved, the man she was shocked to see held a rather low opinion of her.
So consumed was Aakash with rage that it took him a second to even register what she was saying, and what she meant. Only when he saw the agonised look on her face did he understand the implications what he had said and done.
He had wanted this evening to be the most memorable for the both of them, and had taken every effort to take care of that. The weeks when he had been unable to be with her had made him realise how much she had come to mean to him. He has finally both understood and accepted the depth of his feelings for her - it was beyond just love. He wanted to have her and keep her close and cherish her and make her smile for the rest of his life, and wanted to tell her so. He knew it could potentially scare her away but he was ready to take the chance, because the need to be with her was just that intense.
And so when she had broken the news about her fellowship, about having to move away from him, he had for a second felt his dreams come crashing down. He had felt betrayed, which he now realised was simply an overreaction. When he recollected the things she had told him, the helpless anxiousness with which she had spoken... he realised the blunder he had made. In a moment of insecurity and rage, he had hurt the person he loved more than his life. Payal Gupta - the strong, feisty, tigress of a woman that he had fallen in love with, was sobbing right in front of him, hurt and dejected. He had never hated himself more than he did at that moment.
He was unsure what he was supposed to do. He knew he wanted to apologise and take away her pain - but he was a man after all, and while he could admit his follies to himself with remarkable perceptiveness, to express the same was a different matter altogether. Unsure of what to say or what to do, he simply walked towards Payal and attempted to touch her - she shoved his hand away immediately, and took a step back to create some distance between them.
"Payal -" his voice a plea, he moved to hold her hand. But this time again, she pulled her hand back, taking another step away from him - trying desperately to stop the tears that seemed to have a mind of their own. "Stay away from me!" she barked and turned around to walk out of the park.
This wouldn't work, he realised. She had to be okay; they had to be okay. And so in one sure move, without giving her a chance to fight, he held her wrist and turned her around to pull her close in a tight hug - his hold on her both possessive and strong, making all her efforts to move away futile. Her hands folded against his chest, she gave up the fight and allowed herself to break down, hitting his chest with her small fists to let out her anger. He stood there, holding her close, feeling her stance relaxing slowly as she mumbled words of anger. Cupping her neck with one of his hands, "Sorry" he whispered close to her ear.
He knew she had heard him, but she pretended otherwise and continued beating his chest with her fists, this time with more force.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry" he chanted, letting her take the time she needed to allow his apology to sink in.
After several long minutes, he felt the anger gradually ebb away from her body, her shoulders relaxing as she brought her arms around his neck and leaned her head against him. They stood like that for sometime, and it was Payal who broke the silence.
"You are privy to everything about me, from my deepest secrets to the one off candy I eat at the hospital. Why would you think I would go away without telling you?"
Her face was still pressed close to his chest and had he not been paying careful attention, he may not have heard her at all. But he had heard her, and so he cursed himself yet another time.
"I am so, so sorry, Payal. I just... I don't know what came over me. You said you were leaving and I just... the thought was so unbearable that I lost my mind. I don't know what came over me... "
Moving her face away from under his neck, she looked up and asked, "Is this how we'll have our conversations, Aakash? This is the first time I have come to you as your girlfriend with something so monumental to tell you, something so important in my life. And this is how you react. Is this how it will be whenever I say something that isn't to your liking? "
"No, I assure you. No" he said, his timbre reflecting his fear as well as his sincerity. "I was insensitive and foolish, I admit it. I was just... I wanted to... You took me by surprise and I just lost it. I am not justifying what I did, I am just telling you how it was. "he sighed. "Please don't give up on me? On us?"
Payal Gupta wasn't one to forgive easily. But, she hadn't been a woman in love before this. Giving into her feelings for him as well as the sincerity she felt in his apology, she moved back into his arms; holding him close, she kissed the base of his neck. She felt rather than heard him moan before he swooped down to kiss her, allowing his lips and his hands to convey his apology... and his love.
She was the first to pull back from the kiss; seeing the panic in his eyes at her action, she placed another soft kiss on his lips and smiled, before taking a step back.
"We need to talk, Aakash"
Readjusting his suit, "Yes" he agreed. "Just know this - and I am not saying this to make up for the mess this evening - do whatever you want to do Payal. We'll work it out. I'll be with you every step of the way."
"Are you saying you would be okay if I chose to go?"
"I am saying, I am okay if you are happy. And I mean it. Even when I...said those things, it wasn't because you wanted to go to Duke. It was because I felt that you had left me out of that decision, out of your life. Trust me, Payal. This isn't damage control."
"I'd be gone for over a year." she said, still unconvinced.
"I'll come see you there. And once you come back, we'll be together for the rest of our lives."
Edited by vgedin - 11 years ago
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