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Chapter 14
She woke up at the sound of her cell phone alarm; she felt tired and her head hurt. Hitting the snooze button, she was about to go back to sleep when she caught a glimpse of the other side of the bed which was empty. "Arnav" her mind screamed and she woke up with a start. She had been too disturbed to get any sleep last night and had just stayed up making sure that Arnav managed to catch a few hours of peaceful sleep. The day had been rough on him and the days that followed would more so; the least she could do to help was to make sure he got some rest. It was Monday and she had to get to office in an hour, she decided to call in and ask for a work-from-home for the day. She has been completely shaken up to see him in that state, she was certain she wouldn't get any work done until she was sure he was okay.
He wasn't a morning person, how had he managed to get up early today? Where was he? She heard the sound of footsteps approaching the bedroom before the panic could settle in, and then she saw him walking with - a mug in his hand, and more surprisingly, a smile on his face. What was going on?
"Here, your chai" he offered. She stared at him as if he had grown horns; she had expected things to be tough, him to be withdrawn. And here he was.. He placed a quick, hard kiss on her mouth before she could complete that thought. That didn't do much to bring her out of her reverie, and she continued to gape at him with her mouth wide open.
"God, I must have really scared you last night. I kiss you in the morning and you don't go all "Let me at least brush!" on me?"
A "how are you" after a few long minutes was all she could do to respond. He placed the cup of tea on the side table and sighed as he sat down next to her on the bed. He rubbed his palms together and then placed them on his eyes.
"I'm fine, Khushi." he said softly.
"Are you really?"she finally managed to compose herself.
He took a deep breath and leaned back on the pillows. "No"
It was one of those rare occasions when Khushi was at a complete loss of words; the words she always thought she had mastered, failed her. She wanted to say something - anything, that would soothe him, that would take away his misery. But she could do nothing, and he wouldn't take false reassurances.
"Stop thinking so much" he said after a while, his voice not betraying any emotion. "I am sad and miserable and guilty and messed up and in the dark place. There you go, I think I've answered every question in your head?"
He could be talking about the weather, his voice was that dispassionate. How could he say those things and sound so calm? "Arnav, you can talk to me.." she pleaded.
"And say what?" he looked irritated but his expressions softened in no time. Taking her right hand he tugged at it, bringing her closer to himself. She wrapped her arms around his neck and settled her head on his chest, looking for comfort in the steady rhythm of his heart. For a while they just lay there as Arnav made gentle circles on the small of her back with his fingers.
"The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes this morning was your face, Khushi. You with your arms wrapped around me, I could feel your breath on my chest. And I felt so content, happy. All I felt was joy. And then slowly... everything came back to me. All that happened yesterday - Aman's arrest, Lavanya, all that scotch, how you came for me, how you put me to bed. For a second a felt nothing.. just numb. And the next moment, it was there. Lavanya is dead, Khushi. She is dead." his voice a tortured cry.
"Arnav" she said, holding his face in her palms. "Look at me, Arnav." she pleaded until he finally looked up at her. Her voice firm yet tender, she made sure she had his attention. "Listen to me, Arnav. I am not saying you couldn't have done things differently. But, what Lavanya did was her choice. What Aman did was his, they both allowed themselves to be carried away by emotions, unthinking of the repercussions of their actions. You cannot blame yourself for the choices they made, alright?"
"I am not blaming myself for their choices, Khushi. I am guilty of my own. The choice I made to wait, to waste time. To-"
"Preparing yourself is not a waste of time!"
"I could have told him to wait, just like you said I should've. Maybe he would have told Lavanya, she wouldn't have lost all hope.."
"You don't know that!
"But there was a chance. Someone died here, Khushi."
"I get that. Someone died - it was no accident, it was no murder. She took her own life."
"Because she saw no hope."
"No, it's because she gave up all hope.", was Khushi's exasperated scream.
It managed to silence him; the both of them suddenly feeling exhausted and tired.
She got down from the bed and straightened her clothes. "I'm going to make us some breakfast, we can talk later, okay?" she said, managing a small smile.
"You do realise its Monday, don't you have to go to office?"
"I'll call and ask for a work from home. That reminds me.. I have to call my boss. Oh, can you ask OP to bring my laptop here? I'll have Maa keep it ready." she said in a hurry as she walked towards the kitchen.
"You don't have to do this, Khushi. Theres nothing -"
"Shut up." she said in a voice that left no scope for further arguments.
"We'll have to do with cereal, there nothing here in the fridge." she said, still looking into the fridge hoping she would find something.
"That'll do for me, it's you we need to worry about." he said as he fetched out cutlery from the kitchen cabinets and laid them out on the table.
"We'll have an early lunch.. why didn't you ask OP to stock this place this time?"
"I forgot.. I've been so busy the last few days I..."
He left the sentence unfinished, but he knew he had effectively ruined Khushi's attempt at allowing them both a little break from all the worries. To her credit, she didn't say anything and poured cereal into the two bowls he had laid out. "Do you want me to heat up the milk?"
"No, its fine." He hated the gloom that seemed to have settled around them, but he couldn't do much about it. He could try and compartmentalize, try and keep things from affecting him personally, but it was almost like he didn't want to. He allowed the gravity of the situation, the magnitude of the events to seep into his being, allowed the reality to hit him hard, feeling the weight of his emotions as if it were a physical entity and since he felt to tired to fight, he embraced it. It brought him peace. He would enjoy the luxury of the few moments of this peace, since he knew Khushi would take it away from him any minute now, pushing him to get up and fight. The tigress she was, she would make him give it his all.
They had their breakfast in silence. Arnav got up to clear the dishes while she spoke to her employer and then Garima, requesting her to keep her clothes and laptop ready.When Garima raised concerns about her missing office, Khushi reassured that she would be able to work from home, and that that wasn't an issue at all.
She finished her call and came back to the living room to find Arnav on the couch, she heard him giving instruction to OP over the phone. He sensed her approaching and turned around to give her a small nod, as he now tried to convince his Nani that he was in fact, okay. He sounded rather convincing, she thought. It made her wonder if there was there a chance she had completely failed at understanding his emotions several times in the past? His voice was calm and composed as he spoke to his grandmother and Aakash, telling them that there was nothing to worry about.
He ended the call a few minutes later, chuckling at what presumably were Naniji's antics. Leaning against the couch, he stretched his arms and Khushi mentally admonished herself when she found herself leering at him.
"So, what was it that you so eagerly wanted to talk to me about yesterday?" he asked, settling into a comfortable posture now. After the events of last evening, Khushi's excitement about her meeting with Karthik had completely died out. She hadn't even thought about it until he mentioned it, but she was now apprehensive about telling him about it. He had just hit rock bottom - professionally and personally. How was she to tell him about her rather exciting progress ?
"What? I'm waiting", he probed.
"It's nothing really," she mumbled. "We can talk about that later. Right now we-"
"Oh come on, Khushi. Really? It hasn't come to that yet, tell me what it is."
On getting no response from her, "Khushi, I know its something important. I checked my phone this morning, there are almost 30 texts from you even before your frantic "where are you" ones. Spit it out, go on."
It was futile keeping it from him, she would have to tell him sooner or later, and she doubted if he would appreciate her keeping something like this from him. Especially since he was the one person who had always stood by her dream to pursue a writing career.
"You remember I mentioned Vighnesh's cousin ? Karthik? The one who-"
"The one who owns a publishing firm in Pune?" he straightened up, his eyes bright and wide open now. "I remember alright, we discussed about that the last time we were here. Wait, did you talk to him? Did he say something? When did this happen ? You didn't-"
"Sssh, calm down", she held his hand. "He was in town to catch a flight yesterday and had some time. He asked me if I could meet him for brunch, I agreed. We met at Manzi, the pancakes were spectacular, by the way. You must try-"
"Get to the point dammit!" Trust Khushi to talk about food at any point, he sighed.
"Yes, well. So I said I was writing this novel I wanted to publish. I thought he'd ask me about the book or the story.. or at least the concept. He just wanted to know my target audience and nothing else. Said he and his team liked to start with a clean slate when reading a manuscript."
"So he asked you to send it to him?" his eyes shining with unmasked joy now, no traces of the earlier gloom.
"Yes. He added this bit about Vighnesh speaking highly of me and him trusting Vighnesh's opinion.. but I think he was just saying that to ease my nerves. I was so nervous, Arnav! My hands were trembling...first few minutes of the interview I behaved like a total klutz!"
"I can imagine that" he smirked. "This is great news, Khushi. I am so happy for you. I don't want you doubting yourself like you did the other day, okay? You send him that manuscript and I am positive he'll be impressed."
She looked at him carefully then, really looked at him. Dissecting every curve, every feature and every freckle on his face, admiring it's beauty while analyzing and over analyzing what she saw in his eyes. He looked truly happy, not a trace of resentment. What had she ever done to deserve this man? She wondered if she was capable of love this selfless, where she would truly find happiness in his. If she had given her heart completely to him, like he had to her. She felt herself tearing up, as she cupped his cheek in her palm and leaned in to kiss him.
"And what about you, Arnav?" she asked, softly.
"What about me ?" He was evading, she knew.
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know Khushi, I don't know."
She held his hand in between hers, and attempted to articulate all that she wanted to tell him.
"You know what you have to do Arnav. But you will be able to see it only once you rid yourself of this guilt you have decided to impose on yourself. It wasn't your fault, Arnav. You had the best intentions in mind but destiny played a dirty game."
"But thats the convenient way to look at it, isn't it. The truth of the matter is that, I could have done something to prevent this and I didn't."
"Arnav" she said, irked. "Why won't you look at things in perspective ? Look, I call a spade a spade and I would have told you if I thought Lavanya's death was on you. But the point is, it wasn't. You are talking about convenience, Arnav. I'll tell you what is. Its convenient to allow yourself to drown in guilt and give up. To allow yourself to be soothed by the balm that is self pity. I am telling you... this guilt, the pity, this.. dark place - its a drug. It is inviting and it will give you the release you so need. Don't give in to it, Arnav. Fight. Please, for you sake and mine, fight."
With that she fell back on her seat, feeling drained. She felt the same desperation take over her like she had felt last night. Then she had left the loss physically, and now, it was emotional. In that moment she was unwilling to sympathize with his insecurities. She had to pull him out the abyss he was inadvertently plunging into.
"Do you think this is easy for me, Khushi ? Do you think I am getting some kind of a perverse pleasure in feeling like this ? You have any idea what I am feeling right now?"
She had seen it coming, the denial. What she was saying would be hard to take, but it had to be said.
"Do you really think I don't, Arnav?" she asked, softly. His hand still in her's, she continued, his timbre not betraying any of the fear she felt.
He exhaled loudly, as if letting out a breath he had been painfully holding in for the longest time. "No", his voice a mere whisper.
"Please, Arnav. Look, we can talk about who is guilty and who isn't later." she decided they could discuss that later, she knew he would think about all that she had said later in the day. "Lets first think about what is to be done now. So, it's Monday morning now. Can you arrange for Aman's bail?"
"I tried talking to him last night just after he was arrested. He won't even look at me now, Khushi. I'll try and arrange for his bail but there is no way he lets me help him anymore. I saw the disappointment and fury written all over his face, Khushi. That moment I felt like the most despicable man on the face of the earth."
She noticed the sheen of tears that covered his eyes now; "Shhh don't do this to yourself Arnav" she said, hugging him. "He just lost his sister, he was bound to be furious. You cannot take it to heart. You did the best you could, I have seen how you've worked the last few weeks. And you will do your best now. Arrange for his bail, and see how you can help him. See what you can do about Lavanya's in-laws, those people don't deserve to live in peace after this. Next thing you know they'll be torturing another innocent girl for dowry." she spit out, but collected her thoughts quickly. "Sorry, I digressed. The point is, you do what is in your hands now. You can do nothing about what happened - so whether it is your fault or not, let that go. But I'm sure there is still a lot you can do for him, Arnav. He is your friend, and he is lonely and in pain. Go help him. You can help yourself later, and for that you have me."
He wasn't sure if she saw him nod, He wanted to believe all that she had said, hope that all of that was true. Then why did everything look so dark ?
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