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@Ssanjinika

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Posted: 7 years ago

#71

Originally posted by: Angels11
I have read lots of Posts here about how Pooja felt neglected in the marriage. We are yet to see Yash pov. Reading all these made me wonder how many people in this forum are married. Because unless you are married it's difficult to actually understand the issues being shown by the cvs. Women are emotional and romantic while men are practical and unemotional. For example during my periods I suffer severe cramps. My husband will be like what's the big deal. Immediately I start crying remembering my parents. Even then rather than feeling guilty he will be like come on act mature. Just take a pain killer and try to sleep. Rather than the pain I cry because I feel lonely, neglected and unloved. Once I just exploded and since then he doesn't say anything insensitive. He understands that I am in pain and hence irrational. Men are that way. So people saying that adi dint even listen and was busy playing games must be mostly unmarried. Men need to be literally clobbered on the head to get our message. Subtlity doesn't work with men. Here i feel Pooja was being subtle. She should have been direct. Even then I feel it's too silly to walk out of a marriage due to varied interests. They could have spoken and tried to find a middle ground. Also passion always reduces over time. Even if she had married yash she would have faced the same issue after a few years. Did she really try to add passion instead of blaming Adi. It takes 2 hands to clap

Sorry, Had to quote you here. Looking at all the replies, I kind of forgot what this topic was about!!!

I agree with you here...Pooja felt neglected in the marriage. And I am not sure if unmarried folks would actually get what the issue here is. I am actually loving the way Pooja-Adi's relationship has been written. It is very sensitive. While I understand that in a marriage having a partner who doesn't hit you, speak to you as though you are an idiot or gives you enough freedom to do what you want in life, is considered having a good partner, I think sometimes it just is not enough. A marriage needs to be worked on to be a truly happy one. Partners should find things to do together. If something is important for one of them, the other should also care about it. In fact, when you truly love someone, doesn't every little thing that is important for that person become something you consciously cognizant of? I found the callous way Adi disregarded Pooja's wish for him to accompany her to the poetry club very appalling. My rigid mind refuses to believe that he did not understand the importance of the poetry club to Pooja. After all, he was her 'best' friend before becoming her husband.

To me, it showed how for granted he took Pooja. In a way, he was emotionally stunted where she was concerned. He failed to get that while it might have been okay for him to behave in this manner when he was just her friend, she might have more expectations from her husband. I think she was justified in feeling let down considering Adi did not marry a doormat who couldn't string two thoughts together in her head. This was a modern, working woman who had her own likes and dislikes and wanted a partner who would share them. I see why she started having feelings for Yash.

Now, Having said that, I still think this does not give her a valid reason for having an affair. I think there is nothing I abhor more than one person cheating on another, whether in a relationship or in friendship. If she had started having feelings for Yash and if she had been sure that what she felt for Adi was just friendship and that she wasn't in love with him, she should have, absolutely communicated that to him. In fact, even if she hadn't met Yash, I think she should have clearly told her expectations and feelings to Adi. Clearly, Adi has no clue about her changed feelings.

@Bold, Angel, I think I disagree with you there. When one of them knows that they are going to be miserable in the relationship and make the other miserable too, I think its better they separate. Plus, I don't think it was just passion that Pooja was looking for here. I think there was a basic mismatch between Adi and Pooja as a couple, that Adi never realized. There was no chemistry. I think once Adi realizes the fireworks between him and Zoya, he will understand the lack that was prevalent in his marriage with Pooja.

A lot of times best friends do not make the best partners. A friend once told me that best friends do not make the best partners because they know you too well and there is no mystery, hence the lack of chemistry in the relationship. I tend to agree. Just my opinion.

Cheers!

P.S. Just realized that I hadn't put down something I had thought of earlier. We have till now only seen Adi's version of things and that only showed his impressions of his marriage. The diary was the first time Pooja's feelings and her thoughts about the marriage came about. Maybe, the more we see about it, the more we might realize that though Adi and Pooja were best friends, they had basic compatibility issues?

Edited by Ssanjinika - 7 years ago

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vandana21

@vdna

Rocker

Posted: 7 years ago

#72

Hey, just wanted to clarify that it's a misconception that men who live in America are far better than men in India. A person is a person no matter where he/she is and if it's in their nature to be insensitive and crude that will manifest itself regardless of whether they are in India or America or Timbuktu..

In fact from my experience volunteering at this NGO, I feel that women who have such husbands in America are worse off than the women in india.

In india you have your own family around - you are independent to go seek a job and go tell him to take a hike and walk out and go live with your parents!

In America, south Asian women lack that ability. They come here on dependent visas - unable to seek employed or financial independence. This makes them totally dependent on their husbands. And if their husbands give them shit they have no other family to go take refuge at.

The number of these women we see percentage wise is a lot more than women in india percentage wise considering population of south Asians here! ..

Btw, we also hear of men being abused by women.

I think we Asian women tend to have this mentality of sticking on to our husbands in marriage regardless of how those men are. Once we start telling them and showing them that we take no shit, they will get their act together!

People talk of America as a place where divorce rates are high - well divorce is not necessarily a bad thing if one is going to attain the freedom and happiness they lack in a marriage! It's not the end of the world. And if both spouses want to stay married and don't believe in divorce they better respect each other as humans and treat each other equally.

It's clearly a misconception that men in America are magically better. The good men here will be good in any part of the world and the bad men will be bad wherever they are!

We had a case of a woman who came to us - similar to urs ..she was working and husband too was working but husband would expect her to do all the cooking and cleaning and what not ..and he would expect her to pack he full meals for work being vegetarians! If some day she couldn't and she packed one curry instead of two, he would bring back the lunch and have her cook 2 extra curries for night! Pukeworthy man - she couldn't take it anymore - had one son ..but we fought her case and our advocates were able to break her free with full custody proving domestic abuse! Today she's at her happiest!!

We need to take action to teach the assholes a lesson ..but trust me it's incorrect to generalize because there are a vast majority of men even from rural parts of india who respect women (eg. the real padman!)

Originally posted by: Angels11
This thread is now a complete mess. What started as a discussion on probs post marriage has now deteriorated into a Tu Tu Main Main slug fest. I am no longer even clear on what actually we r even discussing about. This thread is also proof that many times Communication or as 1 member said "TALKING IT OUT" IS NOT A SOLUTION. Despite repeated explanations & clarifications from me folks r still attacking me because according to them I hate men & I called them insensitive. And then a prolonged discussion on periods 😆 Jeez...

Discussion kahan se kahan aa gaya. From Bepannah, the thread is now resembling a discussion on the movie PADMAN.

Anyway I think its time for me to stop this & bow out with dignity rather than prolong this slug fest where no one is willing to try & understand the other person's view. Few thoughts before I end this.

To all the women who are down right condescending, patronizing, bemused, appalled at my lack of intelligence A big Hi-Fi to all. You folks ve absolutely no idea how lucky or blessed u r unlike the majority of us Indian women (Yes the US includes me as well). You ve the advantage of education, job, understanding partner. All I can say is most of the women here r not as lucky as you. So today when ur guy comes home do give them an extra long hug coz they deserve it 😃 And if u think tat u represent the majority of the middle class Indian family then again I ve nothing to say. Its ur right to believe wat u want. Some one said tat calling others inexperienced is rude. Buddy I am not rude but just stating a fact. Most of the progressive women who post on India Forum do not live in India. This is a fact. When a similar fight happened on domestic abuse in IPK1 forum it turned out tat majority of the folks were either non indian or Indian living abroad. And that makes hell a lot of difference. That is why I said place of birth, family setup, education, rural/urban divide, mother/ladies in the family all play a major role. I was proudly raised by progressive parents even in the 1980s. But sadly my in laws & their relatives r the most regressive lot. I actually wanted a divorce when I could no longer take it. So if u think now a days Indian society has made lot of progress & the modern Indian man is very progressive & supportive of his partner u r just living in a parallel universe. India is still a 3rd world country & it needs many more generations of progressive women & strong educated mothers to raise great sons. Till then Indian marriages esp the Arranged marriage one will always b skewed in the guy's favor & women here do make a lot of adjustments & compromises. More than a guy.

And yes periods is still a taboo topic here. Do u know tat only 12% of Indian women use sanitary napkins. Yes u heard it right ONLY 12%. And u guys r talking bt gender sensitivity & stuff. This is the level of awareness & sensitivity in India. When I did speak to my hubby he said he was sorry & he dint even know tat periods is tat painful & hence he was so flippant. He thought it was just like a normal stomach pain. He understood only aft i actually explained to him & this from a guy who is highly educated. These topics r still not discussed openly in most Indian families. Men get to know now thanks to the exposure due to internet & the awareness campaigns. And of course frm assertive out spoken wives like me...

Next about emotions. Yes men do get emotional but not for the same things as women & this is precisely the point tat i was trying to make. This difference is what causes conflict. If both men & women behave the same according to all ur claims then y do we fight or break up. Language might b a prob but if possible I suggest folks 2 watch the Tamil movie Kaadhalil Sodhapuvadu eppadi. It shows in a light humorous way this precise conflict of thoughts between guys & girls which causes issues in their relationship. Again I am not here 2 convince u all. If u think gender doesnt play ANY role in the way a person thinks, behaves or reacts then so be it. Why s'd i convince u. Its ur opinion & u r entitled to it. To each his own. My stance is that gender does play a major role in the way a person behaves or reacts to a given situation. I am not claiming tat its 100% physical. Its also due to the society norms. For eg a prostitute is ridiculed & ostracized while a male who visits her continues to live happily in the same society. We still have a long way to go where these gender biases r eradicated.

To summarize all I am saying is that men behave differently. Some could be physiological for which i gave egs of spatial recognition. single minded focus etc. Some r physical. Men r definitely stronger than us. Others r due to society rules & norms. Like how boys r ridiculed if they cry. How the woman is expected 2 go & stay in her husband's house & not vice versa. All these do play a role in their behavior.

Finally at least 1 point related to the actual show & Pooja. My 2 cents on this is Pooja is an extremely selfish coward. She had a life which most Indian women can only dream of. Yes she had some problems (some real some imaginary) with Adi but none of them justify an affair. She was just an extremely self centered woman who is not even shown doing a productive job who seemed 2 b smooching off her clueless hubby living in his house & having an affair (if the hints so far r correct) without an iota of conscience. And this has got nothing to do with gender. A cheat is a cheat PERIOD. And she gets no sympathy frm me.

Au revoir! PEACE!!!!!!!!

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Maddy

@THEfanOFheartz

Sparkler

Posted: 7 years ago

#73

@vandana21

I totally agree. Like India isn't the only country struggling with this.

Also I'm a south asian woman who is single in the UK but the amount of stories i've heard about the struggles being a south asian woman in the UK can be difficult. When your open minded but the older generation are just like people from back home. (Some younger men and women also)

So backwards and narrow minded about certain issues be it domestic abuse or periods. Or how woman should be in the kitchen cooking and cleaning.🥱

There are so many other issues globaly that people outside of India face. @angels11 stop assuming that those living outside are living such peaceful lives and we are "lucky" like seriously no.. (your not the only country suffering with girls getting education... Pakistan, Africa, Afghanistan so fourth your not the only country suffering from men who are not understanding neither are you the only country suffering from men who do not get the meaning of no. ) Your not stating facts but your just assuming. That us progessive woman internationally don't have issues. Also theres a lot of progessive woman in India.

Also in the UK we don't openly talk about periods. (In some countries periods are so taboo that men don't even know what it is) Men only know about these things in the UK due to science. You get learned about it. Menstrual cycles sex cells blah blah. (We don't have discussions about this)

@vandana21 what you said here: "Its clearly a misconception that men in America are magically better. The good men here will be good in any parts of the world and bad men will be bad whereever they are" GURRRLL PREEAAACCH!!!!

Also the real PADMAN WAS A TRUE HERO TO ALL WOMAN IN INDIA 👏

Edited by THEfanOFheartz - 7 years ago

Quote

vandana21

@vdna

Rocker

Posted: 7 years ago

#74

Yes, it's pitiable sometimes to see what some women have to go through here. But what's worse is accepting it quietly and blaming someone's crude behavior on their gender. That is really not done. If the insensitive and crude behavior is a one off thing, it's understandable but if it's consistent then really one shouldn't put up with it! If you are working equally outside of home, there is no frikking way your hubby should expect you to also manage to house hold chores!! Just tell him you can't do it and don't do it - what will he do? Order food from out or get a cook - you are earning!

You need to stand up for what you believe in, and believe me, once you start doing that, you'll see the change. Well at least things can't get any worse!

Originally posted by: THEfanOFheartz
@vandana21
I totally agree. Like India isn't the only country struggling with this.

Also I'm a south asian woman who is single in the UK but the amount of stories i've heard about the struggles being a south asian woman in the UK can be difficult. When your open minded but the older generation are just like people from back home. (Some younger men and women also)

So backwards and narrow minded about certain issues be it domestic abuse or periods. Or how woman should be in the kitchen cooking and cleaning.🥱

There are so many other issues globaly that people outside of India face. @angels11 stop assuming that those living outside are living such peaceful lives and we are "lucky" like seriously no.. (your not the only country suffering with girls getting education... Pakistan, Africa, Afghanistan so fourth your not the only country suffering from men who are not understanding neither are you the only country suffering from men who do not get the meaning of no. ) Your not stating facts but your just assuming. That us progessive woman internationally don't have issues. Also theres a lot of progessive woman in India.

Also in the UK we don't openly talk about periods. (In some countries periods are so taboo that men don't even know what it is) Men only know about these things in the UK due to science. You get learned about it. Menstrual cycles sex cells blah blah. (We don't have discussions about this)

@vandana21 what you said here: "Its clearly a misconception that men in America are magically better. The good men here will be good in any parts of the world and bad men will be bad whereever they are" GURRRLL PREEAAACCH!!!!
Also the real PADMAN WAS A TRUE HERO TO ALL WOMAN IN INDIA 👏

Quote

Maddy

@THEfanOFheartz

Sparkler

Posted: 7 years ago

#75

@Vandana21 I wish I had more time to talk 😆😭 cuz this is an interesting topic but got exams so i'll make this short.

I agree it is and it's about time people saw that. Yeah... it is bad just by accepting it but sometimes it is easier said then done. I'm sure you can understand for some women it can be hard. If the man is abusive for example or is insensitive.

Sadly in certain situations like even telling the older generation you are stressed they will laugh at you and say "what stress?"

It's mainly the older generation 🥱 that's the problem

Edited by THEfanOFheartz - 7 years ago

Quote

Arshiforever8

@Arshiforever8

Explorer

Posted: 7 years ago

#76

Originally posted by: Angels11
This thread is now a complete mess. What started as a discussion on probs post marriage has now deteriorated into a Tu Tu Main Main slug fest. I am no longer even clear on what actually we r even discussing about. This thread is also proof that many times Communication or as 1 member said "TALKING IT OUT" IS NOT A SOLUTION. Despite repeated explanations & clarifications from me folks r still attacking me because according to them I hate men & I called them insensitive. And then a prolonged discussion on periods 😆 Jeez...

Discussion kahan se kahan aa gaya. From Bepannah, the thread is now resembling a discussion on the movie PADMAN.

Anyway I think its time for me to stop this & bow out with dignity rather than prolong this slug fest where no one is willing to try & understand the other person's view. Few thoughts before I end this.

To all the women who are down right condescending, patronizing, bemused, appalled at my lack of intelligence A big Hi-Fi to all. You folks ve absolutely no idea how lucky or blessed u r unlike the majority of us Indian women (Yes the US includes me as well). You ve the advantage of education, job, understanding partner. All I can say is most of the women here r not as lucky as you. So today when ur guy comes home do give them an extra long hug coz they deserve it 😃 And if u think tat u represent the majority of the middle class Indian family then again I ve nothing to say. Its ur right to believe wat u want. Some one said tat calling others inexperienced is rude. Buddy I am not rude but just stating a fact. Most of the progressive women who post on India Forum do not live in India. This is a fact. When a similar fight happened on domestic abuse in IPK1 forum it turned out tat majority of the folks were either non indian or Indian living abroad. And that makes hell a lot of difference. That is why I said place of birth, family setup, education, rural/urban divide, mother/ladies in the family all play a major role. I was proudly raised by progressive parents even in the 1980s. But sadly my in laws & their relatives r the most regressive lot. I actually wanted a divorce when I could no longer take it. So if u think now a days Indian society has made lot of progress & the modern Indian man is very progressive & supportive of his partner u r just living in a parallel universe. India is still a 3rd world country & it needs many more generations of progressive women & strong educated mothers to raise great sons. Till then Indian marriages esp the Arranged marriage one will always b skewed in the guy's favor & women here do make a lot of adjustments & compromises. More than a guy.

And yes periods is still a taboo topic here. Do u know tat only 12% of Indian women use sanitary napkins. Yes u heard it right ONLY 12%. And u guys r talking bt gender sensitivity & stuff. This is the level of awareness & sensitivity in India. When I did speak to my hubby he said he was sorry & he dint even know tat periods is tat painful & hence he was so flippant. He thought it was just like a normal stomach pain. He understood only aft i actually explained to him & this from a guy who is highly educated. These topics r still not discussed openly in most Indian families. Men get to know now thanks to the exposure due to internet & the awareness campaigns. And of course frm assertive out spoken wives like me...

Next about emotions. Yes men do get emotional but not for the same things as women & this is precisely the point tat i was trying to make. This difference is what causes conflict. If both men & women behave the same according to all ur claims then y do we fight or break up. Language might b a prob but if possible I suggest folks 2 watch the Tamil movie Kaadhalil Sodhapuvadu eppadi. It shows in a light humorous way this precise conflict of thoughts between guys & girls which causes issues in their relationship. Again I am not here 2 convince u all. If u think gender doesnt play ANY role in the way a person thinks, behaves or reacts then so be it. Why s'd i convince u. Its ur opinion & u r entitled to it. To each his own. My stance is that gender does play a major role in the way a person behaves or reacts to a given situation. I am not claiming tat its 100% physical. Its also due to the society norms. For eg a prostitute is ridiculed & ostracized while a male who visits her continues to live happily in the same society. We still have a long way to go where these gender biases r eradicated.

To summarize all I am saying is that men behave differently. Some could be physiological for which i gave egs of spatial recognition. single minded focus etc. Some r physical. Men r definitely stronger than us. Others r due to society rules & norms. Like how boys r ridiculed if they cry. How the woman is expected 2 go & stay in her husband's house & not vice versa. All these do play a role in their behavior.

Finally at least 1 point related to the actual show & Pooja. My 2 cents on this is Pooja is an extremely selfish coward. She had a life which most Indian women can only dream of. Yes she had some problems (some real some imaginary) with Adi but none of them justify an affair. She was just an extremely self centered woman who is not even shown doing a productive job who seemed 2 b smooching off her clueless hubby living in his house & having an affair (if the hints so far r correct) without an iota of conscience. And this has got nothing to do with gender. A cheat is a cheat PERIOD. And she gets no sympathy frm me.

Au revoir! PEACE!!!!!!!!

I'd like to just address the part that I commented on. You are right. Men and women do in fact behave differently. The brain chemistry of a man's is different from a women. (More on this here: http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2017/04/study-finds-some-significant-differences-brains-men-and-women)

My point is just that studies show that in terms of emotion, men and women are equally emotional. The way they react to certain situations may differ however and this is probably because of factors like personal experiences, individual personality, etc, and society itself telling men and women what they ought to do and not do.

Edited by Arshiforever8 - 7 years ago

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