Marriages - Page 7

@Angels11 this is probably my last response on the topic because we are going in circles.

Originally posted by: vandana21

Okay so I've been on and off reading posts on this thread since morning - time permitting - and here's my two cents!

1. First off, I'm totally against stereotyping as well. While I do agree that there are differences in the way our brains are wired - those differences don't give a person (read man) a free pass to behave in an insensitive and crude manner!

2. If you have your period and your husband cannot empathize with the pain you are going through and tells you to take a pill and go about your day, I'm sorry to say but that is downright insensitive and justifying this insensitiveness because he has a "male"-brain is NOT the way to go! I know way too many men who go out of their way to make their women (even after many years of marriage) feel loved and all the more when they go through times like period pains and child labor - something they just can't fathom the pain of!

3. If you are sick and your husband doesn't realize that - sorry it's NOT his male brain that is making him do that - he is just being insensitive.

4. I volunteer at a women's center and we see men of all sorts and most importantly we see women who think it is NORMAL for their spouses to behave the way they do! Only when push comes to shove do these women report cases - and by then the amount of emotional abuse one has undergone is just too much and requires a great deal of counseling to overcome.

5. We women are willing to put up with shit at times. I think right from the outset one needs to stand up. We are EQUAL in all ways. If you work and he works, there is NO reason why you fricking need to do all the cooking and cleaning and stuff and you need to voice that - loud and clear. You should not take shit that you don't believe is fair - and if your in-laws and husband gang up ..well, you and your kid can too! And if they are so much for you doing all the slog work (something you personally feel is unfair) I think you need to teach them a lesson or two!

6. If we quietly endure stuff, we only get more shit dumped on our head. Once you start giving back and acting like an equal there is nothing he can do but be an equal - and if he doesn't want to and still expects you to work and do everything - then sorry to say it's your call - you either want to live like that or you should figure a way out of it!

7. The day when women start standing up for themselves and their equality, will be the day when men that believe in the patriarchal society will realize that their game's over and that if they want to stay happily married they need to be equal and respect their wives as an equal.

8. Again, please ladies - married or unmarried - don't put up with SHIT ..collectively one needs to give it back to men who spew shit - and don't be fooled to think that they are wired differently and so they get a free pass to behave like emotionless spouses - NO NO. And i'm not talking about football game or poetry session - that is totally different and that is based on one's interest ..man or women ..I know women who are crazy about American football ..and then there are some like me who hate the sport ..I know men that love art and hate sports ..and then again women like me who are not so artsy - that really has nothing to do with gender.

9. Our brains may be wired differently but no one gets a free pass to use that as an excuse to behave like shit with the other!

10. Finally, it's best to give one a taste of their own medicine - if your sick and he doesn't care, show him how that feels when he's sick!. If he yells at you and his male brain is an excuse ..you yell back saying you are PMSing ..but no one should accept shitty behavior lying down!

Alright, I had to say this out ..particularly since I volunteer helping women in abusive situations and we have a bunch of men who volunteer too and knowing them I really cannot succumb to accepting stereotypes.

Originally posted by: Angels11

I have read lots of Posts here about how Pooja felt neglected in the marriage. We are yet to see Yash pov. Reading all these made me wonder how many people in this forum are married. Because unless you are married it's difficult to actually understand the issues being shown by the cvs. Women are emotional and romantic while men are practical and unemotional. For example during my periods I suffer severe cramps. My husband will be like what's the big deal. Immediately I start crying remembering my parents. Even then rather than feeling guilty he will be like come on act mature. Just take a pain killer and try to sleep. Rather than the pain I cry because I feel lonely, neglected and unloved. Once I just exploded and since then he doesn't say anything insensitive. He understands that I am in pain and hence irrational. Men are that way. So people saying that adi dint even listen and was busy playing games must be mostly unmarried. Men need to be literally clobbered on the head to get our message. Subtlity doesn't work with men. Here i feel Pooja was being subtle. She should have been direct. Even then I feel it's too silly to walk out of a marriage due to varied interests. They could have spoken and tried to find a middle ground. Also passion always reduces over time. Even if she had married yash she would have faced the same issue after a few years. Did she really try to add passion instead of blaming Adi. It takes 2 hands to clap

I think it is generalisation that men are practical and women are emotional.i know couples where men are sensitive to their wives needs, they may not be in majority but they are present. Moreover living in a patriarchal society men are made to believe that they need to act in a certain way to be 'the man' and suppress their emotions as the poster above has said.

This thread is now a complete mess. What started as a discussion on probs post marriage has now deteriorated into a Tu Tu Main Main slug fest. I am no longer even clear on what actually we r even discussing about. This thread is also proof that many times Communication or as 1 member said "TALKING IT OUT" IS NOT A SOLUTION. Despite repeated explanations & clarifications from me folks r still attacking me because according to them I hate men & I called them insensitive. And then a prolonged discussion on periods 😆 Jeez...

Discussion kahan se kahan aa gaya. From Bepannah, the thread is now resembling a discussion on the movie PADMAN.

Anyway I think its time for me to stop this & bow out with dignity rather than prolong this slug fest where no one is willing to try & understand the other person's view. Few thoughts before I end this.

To all the women who are down right condescending, patronizing, bemused, appalled at my lack of intelligence A big Hi-Fi to all. You folks ve absolutely no idea how lucky or blessed u r unlike the majority of us Indian women (Yes the US includes me as well). You ve the advantage of education, job, understanding partner. All I can say is most of the women here r not as lucky as you. So today when ur guy comes home do give them an extra long hug coz they deserve it 😃 And if u think tat u represent the majority of the middle class Indian family then again I ve nothing to say. Its ur right to believe wat u want. Some one said tat calling others inexperienced is rude. Buddy I am not rude but just stating a fact. Most of the progressive women who post on India Forum do not live in India. This is a fact. When a similar fight happened on domestic abuse in IPK1 forum it turned out tat majority of the folks were either non indian or Indian living abroad. And that makes hell a lot of difference. That is why I said place of birth, family setup, education, rural/urban divide, mother/ladies in the family all play a major role. I was proudly raised by progressive parents even in the 1980s. But sadly my in laws & their relatives r the most regressive lot. I actually wanted a divorce when I could no longer take it. So if u think now a days Indian society has made lot of progress & the modern Indian man is very progressive & supportive of his partner u r just living in a parallel universe. India is still a 3rd world country & it needs many more generations of progressive women & strong educated mothers to raise great sons. Till then Indian marriages esp the Arranged marriage one will always b skewed in the guy's favor & women here do make a lot of adjustments & compromises. More than a guy.

And yes periods is still a taboo topic here. Do u know tat only 12% of Indian women use sanitary napkins. Yes u heard it right ONLY 12%. And u guys r talking bt gender sensitivity & stuff. This is the level of awareness & sensitivity in India. When I did speak to my hubby he said he was sorry & he dint even know tat periods is tat painful & hence he was so flippant. He thought it was just like a normal stomach pain. He understood only aft i actually explained to him & this from a guy who is highly educated. These topics r still not discussed openly in most Indian families. Men get to know now thanks to the exposure due to internet & the awareness campaigns. And of course frm assertive out spoken wives like me...

Next about emotions. Yes men do get emotional but not for the same things as women & this is precisely the point tat i was trying to make. This difference is what causes conflict. If both men & women behave the same according to all ur claims then y do we fight or break up. Language might b a prob but if possible I suggest folks 2 watch the Tamil movie Kaadhalil Sodhapuvadu eppadi. It shows in a light humorous way this precise conflict of thoughts between guys & girls which causes issues in their relationship. Again I am not here 2 convince u all. If u think gender doesnt play ANY role in the way a person thinks, behaves or reacts then so be it. Why s'd i convince u. Its ur opinion & u r entitled to it. To each his own. My stance is that gender does play a major role in the way a person behaves or reacts to a given situation. I am not claiming tat its 100% physical. Its also due to the society norms. For eg a prostitute is ridiculed & ostracized while a male who visits her continues to live happily in the same society. We still have a long way to go where these gender biases r eradicated.

To summarize all I am saying is that men behave differently. Some could be physiological for which i gave egs of spatial recognition. single minded focus etc. Some r physical. Men r definitely stronger than us. Others r due to society rules & norms. Like how boys r ridiculed if they cry. How the woman is expected 2 go & stay in her husband's house & not vice versa. All these do play a role in their behavior.

Finally at least 1 point related to the actual show & Pooja. My 2 cents on this is Pooja is an extremely selfish coward. She had a life which most Indian women can only dream of. Yes she had some problems (some real some imaginary) with Adi but none of them justify an affair. She was just an extremely self centered woman who is not even shown doing a productive job who seemed 2 b smooching off her clueless hubby living in his house & having an affair (if the hints so far r correct) without an iota of conscience. And this has got nothing to do with gender. A cheat is a cheat PERIOD. And she gets no sympathy frm me.

Au revoir! PEACE!!!!!!!!

Each marriage is as individual as the couple that's part of it.

Culture, upbringing, social status all of this plays into how marriages work. I've been married for the past 14 years, and I married not out of love, but because I thought this person would make the best partner possible in my life. We've always been more friends than all-passionate-romance, and that has worked out for us: other than the usual small disagreements that happen between any two people living together, we haven't had upheavals.

Communication is indeed key, and yes, also managing our expectations. I didn't expect a mills and boons hero, but we made it very clear to each other that we will support each others' career and parents. He pays the bills, but also helps at home as needed. I'm a writer by profession, so I don't earn by the bucketful, but that was known from the very beginning. Yes, I do cover up more when his folks are around, and he does the same when mine are around. Our families are conservative and don't like shorts etc. we've actively decided to keep the parents happy. We live outside of India part of the year, so I guess the distance has helped. A joint family situation is something else altogether, and it puts an additional strain on marriage: you don't have the space to be yourself most of the time.

What worked for us is asking what we're putting in the marriage, instead of what we're getting out of it, and also, telling each other when something wasn't working out. This is easier in a nuclear setup, but in a joint family set up, at times you have to be very quiet and subtle about how you talk to each other.

In the case of Aditya and Pooja, these are very individual characters, immature in their own ways: Pooja in not communicating her expectations very clearly, and Aditya in taking his wife for granted. Friendship can be the best part of marriage according to me, but for that to work, both parties need to be on the same page. Pooja and Aditya's notions of romance are very different, one is happy to romance a friend, the other wants romance, not a friend.

As to sensitivity, it all depends on how a person is brought up, and what they see around themselves growing up. Men and women can be equally sensitive or insensitiveif they learn empathy as children, they become sensitive, not otherwise. Empathy really helps in a marriage: you are able to put yourself in the other persons' shoes.

Sensitivity is not the same as having common interests, you may have different interests and decide among yourselves how you're going to deal with it I show my affection to my husband by letting him watch his cricket and gathering his friends around him to do so, he watches fantasy movies with me when I have no one else to go with, or helps with my fiction even though it doesn't interest him. This equation is for each couple to work out among themselves, and has very little to do with women are sensitive, men are not.' That's patriarchal bullshit we've been brought up with, and we're increasingly living in an equal, not a patriarchal world.

Okay I am not married or not in a relationship but I would like to point something out.

Originally posted by: vandana21

Okay so I've been on and off reading posts on this thread since morning - time permitting - and here's my two cents!

1. First off, I'm totally against stereotyping as well. While I do agree that there are differences in the way our brains are wired - those differences don't give a person (read man) a free pass to behave in an insensitive and crude manner!

2. If you have your period and your husband cannot empathize with the pain you are going through and tells you to take a pill and go about your day, I'm sorry to say but that is downright insensitive and justifying this insensitiveness because he has a "male"-brain is NOT the way to go! I know way too many men who go out of their way to make their women (even after many years of marriage) feel loved and all the more when they go through times like period pains and child labor - something they just can't fathom the pain of!

3. If you are sick and your husband doesn't realize that - sorry it's NOT his male brain that is making him do that - he is just being insensitive.

4. I volunteer at a women's center and we see men of all sorts and most importantly we see women who think it is NORMAL for their spouses to behave the way they do! Only when push comes to shove do these women report cases - and by then the amount of emotional abuse one has undergone is just too much and requires a great deal of counseling to overcome.

5. We women are willing to put up with shit at times. I think right from the outset one needs to stand up. We are EQUAL in all ways. If you work and he works, there is NO reason why you fricking need to do all the cooking and cleaning and stuff and you need to voice that - loud and clear. You should not take shit that you don't believe is fair - and if your in-laws and husband gang up ..well, you and your kid can too! And if they are so much for you doing all the slog work (something you personally feel is unfair) I think you need to teach them a lesson or two!

6. If we quietly endure stuff, we only get more shit dumped on our head. Once you start giving back and acting like an equal there is nothing he can do but be an equal - and if he doesn't want to and still expects you to work and do everything - then sorry to say it's your call - you either want to live like that or you should figure a way out of it!

7. The day when women start standing up for themselves and their equality, will be the day when men that believe in the patriarchal society will realize that their game's over and that if they want to stay happily married they need to be equal and respect their wives as an equal.

8. Again, please ladies - married or unmarried - don't put up with SHIT ..collectively one needs to give it back to men who spew shit - and don't be fooled to think that they are wired differently and so they get a free pass to behave like emotionless spouses - NO NO. And i'm not talking about football game or poetry session - that is totally different and that is based on one's interest ..man or women ..I know women who are crazy about American football ..and then there are some like me who hate the sport ..I know men that love art and hate sports ..and then again women like me who are not so artsy - that really has nothing to do with gender.

9. Our brains may be wired differently but no one gets a free pass to use that as an excuse to behave like shit with the other!

10. Finally, it's best to give one a taste of their own medicine - if your sick and he doesn't care, show him how that feels when he's sick!. If he yells at you and his male brain is an excuse ..you yell back saying you are PMSing ..but no one should accept shitty behavior lying down!

Alright, I had to say this out ..particularly since I volunteer helping women in abusive situations and we have a bunch of men who volunteer too and knowing them I really cannot succumb to accepting stereotypes.

Well i am not married but by just watching nearby me i can say that all these things depend on different situations.