Marriages - Page 4

Originally posted by: delena90

I agree with this. Men aren't idiots and subtlety can work with them if that is how you choose to communicate. However, I don't understand why people believe that in a marriage there is a need to be subtle. Communicate - be vocal whatever the issue. I have dated and now I am married and none of the men I have been in a relationship with have been insensitive about basic bodily functions like periods. Nor are they insensitive if you bring up issues that may be bothering you.

Men aren't mind readers. If something feels off in your marriage it is up to you to bring it up and tell your significant other. Everyone has their own work pressures and lives to lead and cannot be expected to constantly be in-tune with someone else's issues. Half the problem these days is people like Pooja think that life changes significantly post marriage. But as much as it changes there are a lot of things that stay the same and it is up to all of us to manage expectations. The breakdown for Pooja in her marriage was expectation management.

Marriage is hard work and just because you love someone doesn't mean your marriage will be rainbows and sunshine all the time. Did Aditya fail at working at it...maybe. Apart from him playing video games and waking up late it hasn't been made clear if Aditya was truly lacking as a husband. He seemed like he was supportive where it counts. A love marriage doesn't mean that it will be passionate and sexy all the time. Most days will be ordinary and mundane but that is life. How you approach it is what makes your marriage work.

Originally posted by: Angels11

OMG I gave the periods example just 2 show tat sometimes guys just dont understand & v need 2 make them understand by being direct & vocal. Doesnt mean tat the guy is cruel. Just tat not having grown up with sisters he may not know the pain tat a woman undergoes. Hence in such cases subtlety doesnt work. During courtship guys want 2 impress the girl. So they r overtly romantic. Give them gifts, take them out to candle night dinners. Have BF in bed etc etc. In almost 80-90% of the case post marriage all these reduce drastically. Very rare for couples 2 stay romantic even aft being married for long. Prob is ppl like Pooja r not mature enuf 2 understand tis. Also the CVs ve still not shown if Pooja indeed spoke 2 Adi bt her concerns & he was indifferent. Also things which look cute & romantic bef marriage no longer appear so. 1 of my friend was in a relationship since college. He used 2 always give her gifts, cards & stuff. We used 2 envy her & say wow ur BF is awesome. Our husbands r so boring. They ve now been married for 5 yrs & their marriage is in shambles. The guy spends a lot on unnecessary things. He quit his job 2 start a company. The co is not even breaking even but he still leads a flamboyant life. Doesnt cut down his expenses. Recently gifted her the latest iphone even though they ve still not paid the credit card bills. They fight frequently & now she is staying with her parents. They r separated though both of them still love each other. In another case post marriage into a Jain family my friend was expected 2 wear sari at home. When she complained 2 her BF turned hubby he was like yeah our family is conservative. I cant hurt my mom. So do as she says. This is wat is the difference post marriage. u need 2 grow up, b responsible. This is wat I was trying 2 express thru my post. Its not a quest of whether men r sensitive or insensitive. Some things they understand better & some things women understand better. Also cultural factors (country, place of birth, family, relatives, friends) play an important role in molding our behavior.

Originally posted by: delena90

@Bold: Just because things are cute and romantic doesn't mean a person is a good partner. This is what I mean when I say a lot of women have poor expectations in what to expect in partner. If you read my post, I very clearly said that relationships are hard work. They are hardly ever as portrayed in book and movies. They require effort, communication and more often than not are about the mundane things in life. I don't really want to comment on you friend's choices and examples because I don't know her and nor do I know her circumstances.

I noticed you had posted some questions to someone about relationships vs marital relationships. Since, I have been in both I'll answer them. I don't find them too personal 😊

1. When I was dating my boyfriend and I shared living space. And now of course we are married.

2. Things like cooking and cleaning were not big issues to navigate. We communicated quite simply on what we liked doing or not doing. My husband doesn't have the patience for cooking so I do that. Since, we live in the west and don't have the luxury of maids, my boyfriend does all the cleaning and dishes. We each do our own laundry.

3. Parents and in-law relationships are managed. We made it clear early on that they are not part of our marriage. And our respective relationships with in-laws are good and healthy because of it. No expectation to be one way or another takes the pressure and tension out of any relationship.

4. Neither he nor I change the way we speak, eat or dress in front of the respective in-laws. I do not dictate what he should or should not wear and vice-versa.

5. Do we have discussions about finances - of course. You need to. That said neither one of us controls the other person's income. If I want to blow my money on something I don't need permission to do so unless of course my doing so is going to cause say a delay in rent payments.

Now, how did we come to these solutions - we discussed them very early on in our relationship. We set expectations right from the start. We we were honest and had the tough conversations and fights. We still have them and we don't always agree. But that is a marriage in a nutshell. There are some things I don't mind compromising on and same for him. But there are hard limits which are immovable and there are others that can be discussed. It is up to the couple who wants to get married to be smart and honest enough to have these discussions.

Pooja and Aditya apparently never had these kind of decisions or one of them had a different set of expectations post marriage which was never communicated to the other. Pooja may have been disappointed in her marital life and that is understandable but right now the writers have not given a good enough reason for such disappointment that it would lead to an EMA.

Originally posted by: Angels11

This is y I said things r v diff in India. Points 2, 3, 4 will never happen in India. Its an extremely patriarchal society. I am in a top job in 1 of the largest Indian S/W co, considered v good in my job but still I am expected 2 cook, clean & do the chores. Its v difficult 4 ppl living outside India 2 understand the difficulties tat women undergo in India. Hence my post & my answers might sound stupid or exaggerated 2 u.

Originally posted by: delena90

For the first year of my marriage we were in India. Then we had a lovely lady who helped us with everything from cooking to cleaning. My husband,even then, never saw these things as a woman's responsibility. It's not about it sounding exaggerated. I know what traditional Indian set ups can be like. But seeing as we are all 21st century couples at some point it is up to us to set the boundaries of our relationships. Not all in-laws are conservative, harsh and demanding. Which is why the point that this discussion is a little too generic. Relationships..familial relationships especially are complex. There are many examples of relationships in India that are exactly how I experienced it and described it. And there are many others that are not. It's possible that my marriage is a minority scenario. I don't know. But I would definitely not generalise either way.

Originally posted by: Angels11

Its funny how again & again folks keep posting I ve caring BF, I ve loving dads/brothers, sensitive friends etc. This is precisely y Pooja's marriage with Adi failed. And this is wat the CVs & I am trying 2 express. Life is not the same post marriage. Maniratnam showed tis beautifully in the movie Alaipayuthe! Few quests 2 u. Sorry for asking personal quests. Are u & ur BF living in the same house. Who cooks? Who does the dishes. Who cleans the toilets. Do ur respective parents know bt ur relationship. Do they come & visit frequently. Do they stay with u. What kinda dresses do u wear when his parents come over. At wat time do u wake up? How do u guys manage the finances? Do u ve a joint a/c? Who pays the bills. Do u guys plan 2 ve kids? When?

I am not expecting u 2 answer me since these r extremely personal quests. This is for u 2 understand wat entails marriage. All the above points come into play once u get married. This is what the CVs also r saying & Maniratnam also showed. How life changes post marriage. Both the guy & the girl need 2 adjust, adapt, change. How is live as BF-GF is different frm how u live as husband - wife. Ppl who r claiming tat they & their BF understand each other perfectly & can easily transition to the marriage phase r just not being realistic. There is more 2 marriage esp in a regressive patriarchal society like India. There is cultural differences as well how marriage, role of wife & women in general r perceived here.

Originally posted by: delena90

@Bold: Just because things are cute and romantic doesn't mean a person is a good partner. This is what I mean when I say a lot of women have poor expectations in what to expect in partner. If you read my post, I very clearly said that relationships are hard work. They are hardly ever as portrayed in book and movies. They require effort, communication and more often than not are about the mundane things in life. I don't really want to comment on you friend's choices and examples because I don't know her and nor do I know her circumstances.

I noticed you had posted some questions to someone about relationships vs marital relationships. Since, I have been in both I'll answer them. I don't find them too personal 😊

1. When I was dating my boyfriend and I shared living space. And now of course we are married.

2. Things like cooking and cleaning were not big issues to navigate. We communicated quite simply on what we liked doing or not doing. My husband doesn't have the patience for cooking so I do that. Since, we live in the west and don't have the luxury of maids, my boyfriend does all the cleaning and dishes. We each do our own laundry.

3. Parents and in-law relationships are managed. We made it clear early on that they are not part of our marriage. And our respective relationships with in-laws are good and healthy because of it. No expectation to be one way or another takes the pressure and tension out of any relationship.

4. Neither he nor I change the way we speak, eat or dress in front of the respective in-laws. I do not dictate what he should or should not wear and vice-versa.

5. Do we have discussions about finances - of course. You need to. That said neither one of us controls the other person's income. If I want to blow my money on something I don't need permission to do so unless of course my doing so is going to cause say a delay in rent payments.

Now, how did we come to these solutions - we discussed them very early on in our relationship. We set expectations right from the start. We we were honest and had the tough conversations and fights. We still have them and we don't always agree. But that is a marriage in a nutshell. There are some things I don't mind compromising on and same for him. But there are hard limits which are immovable and there are others that can be discussed. It is up to the couple who wants to get married to be smart and honest enough to have these discussions.

Pooja and Aditya apparently never had these kind of decisions or one of them had a different set of expectations post marriage which was never communicated to the other. Pooja may have been disappointed in her marital life and that is understandable but right now the writers have not given a good enough reason for such disappointment that it would lead to an EMA.

Originally posted by: AkshitaWrites.

I think you missed an extremely point I said. "I AM, BY NO MEANS, COMPARING THAT TO A MARRIAGE." That rules out most of the questions you just asked. I was only saying that not all men are like that, period. The comments made in the post are for the entire male community. "Men don't understand subtlety" "Men aren't as sensitive" Not f-ing true. Even if I wasn't in a relationship, I would still speak against that. My father himself is sensitive and understanding, even when it comes to my period and my mother's as well. So I can make that observation about my parents' marriage as well.

The claims about men are what I spoke against, that wasn't about Aditya and Pooja at all.

Coming to them, relationships are all about communication. She married her best friend, wasn't she able to talk to him instead sitting down with her diary?! What the CVs are showing is completely fictional and won't really have any relevance in real life whatsoever, and if a couple is like that, that's a rare case. But even then, why infidelity? Why cheat? Why not be open? If it isn't working out, go for divorce. Cheating can never be okay, period.

Originally posted by: AkshitaWrites.

Lol thank you for answering the questions, they seemed almost rude to me. Hello? I'm 18. If I would've said that earlier, you know what would happen... age vs experience debate. But, anyway, it seems like you have a very healthy relationship 😊

And I completely agree with you.