Hey guys,
Here is a OS I just felt like writing today. It mainly explores Swara's changing reactions/ growing awareness for Sanskaar and is predominantly based on the track we know we will get from the spoilers but deals with what is shown up to day's episode generally. It is slightly different from my usual style, quite experimental on my part and I am really not sure how it has turned out but I like to take risks sometimes so hope it works! There is the option to extend it to more parts if I feel it has gone well and subject to what I hear by way of feedback.
Thank you if you read and even more so if you like and comment!
Happy Dushera all you lovely people!
PS: After writing and reading various comments, I have decided to extend this to at least a 3 Shot. Therefore, changing it slightly to be Part 1 and tilting the whole thing "The Comprehension Series".
THE COMPREHENSION SERIES - PART 1
UNRAVELLING
Swara leaned back on the headrest of the bed in exhaustion, but her mind continued to race, not allowing her any respite from the incessant inner chatter of her thoughts. She so wanted to close her eyes but knew that she was too anxious to sleep, and that rest would continue to evade her. Not a huge surprise really, given the explosive events of earlier. She looked at the clock on the opposite wall yet again, wondering with trepidation when she would see Sanskaar again and how he would react. This very uncertainty was causing her insides to twist and jangling her already frayed nerves.
Her mind flashed to Sanskaar's furious expression when she had earlier announced her decision to the entirety of both their families that she did not want a divorce, but wished to think things over and give their marriage a chance, if she could. This had been met with a predictable bag of mixed and varied reactions. Her Maa, Baba, Dada, Dadi, Bade Papa and Badi Maa had been openly relieved and approving. She thought Sanskaar's Dad too concurred, although as usual, he did not indicate this overtly; there was just something in the approving look he shot her. Sujata Mom was clearly upset- Swara had expected this but it was still slightly unsettling, especially as she couldn't really explain her full reasons to her. Ragini had not been there but knowing why she was not, had reinforced Swara's decision. Then there was Lakshya- her mind instinctively recoiled, recalling the mixture of shock and sudden anger that he had managed to ill conceal, but the most distasteful was the wounded looks he tried to keep directing at her.
Once more though, her mind skipped over all of them in quick succession, and settled unerringly on Sanskaar. She remembered how his initial shock at her announcement had given way to a searing anger that flashed from his eyes before he remembered to guard them, and emanated from the perceptible stiffness of his stance. His accusing look had affected her way more than any of the totally misplaced and unjustified hurt Lakshya was trying to project at her, which left her surprisingly unmoved. She hadn't really expected the furious resistance with which he had argued against her suggestion, and despite knowing that she had no right to these feelings, his attitude pricked sharply. She had tried to plead with him wordlessly, by looking at him with mute appeal in her eyes. After all, he always understood her, didn't he? She had once told him that she could mostly read his feelings through his eyes. Yet she knew that he not only read hers in response, but also almost seemed to delve into the very depths of her soul, plucking out her unspoken emotions with staggering accuracy each time. After all, they did have this connection, which had linked them through pain and sorrow, but had been the cause of sole solace too for so long.
Therefore, his burst of wordless anger had felt almost like a physical blow, causing her to flinch inwardly. There had been palpable frustration in his counter arguments to the family, telling them that he did not want them to be bound in an unwanted bond. As this was all a repetition of the various tirades she had treated him to, it should not have rankled, but his open acknowledgement of all this before the rest, somehow inexplicably affected her. He had only acquiesced after Bade Papa made clear his wish that they should try Swara's suggestion and finally when Badi Maa took charge, and stilled his protests with an air of her typical finality that brooked no further argument. Swara knew he would not be thrilled, as she had come to accept that despite her previous unfair accusations at him, he clearly did not want to be part of a farcical marriage. Despite this a part of her could not help be unsettled by the overt opposition he was now showing.
"Why Swara?" her overactive mind taunted, "Did you think he was so blind in his love for you that he would not see through the fact that you are doing all this to dissuade Lakshya from his latest stupidities? Or did you think that despite all you have said to him, and having broken your friendship with him twice now, he would still want to play charades with you? Why do you shun his love and yet expect him to stay true to it, despite having hated his feelings for you? Are you taking him for granted to that extent that you think he should keep signing up to a process that leads him to yet more pain? You know he knows you are only doing this for Ragini and so that Lakshya abandons his pursuit of you. Why should he be happy with that?" Despite herself, this brought to mind her earlier conversations with her Dida, Baba and Maa and what she had unwillingly admitted to her Maa later, about Sanskaar being the perfect life partner but not for her, due to the circumstances that had pitted them together. "But that doesn't mean anything," she told herself desperately. "I am still only doing this for Ragini", struggling valiantly to crush down the burgeoning awareness that she was perhaps using this as some form of convenient excuse so she didn't have to totally tear herself away from it all, from him.
She had to stop this endless introspection she thought, despairingly squeezing her eyes shut and clenching her fists, as if to fight of this endless onslaught of unwanted mental dialogue. But it was unrelenting. "If only there was not this sudden and unwelcome awareness she had of him now", she thought angrily. Things had been so simple when they were friends- she had instinctively trusted him, felt safe with him, he had made her laugh at a time when that should have been impossible, and had somehow made her feel that her seemingly impossible mission was probable. Until that night and his drunken stupor, where he had literally burnt down the comfortable walls she had secreted herself behind. Those defenses had been erected by her to protect herself against further hurt and betrayal, she could not afford to venture out of her tower again, especially with him, somehow sensing that the power he could exert over her would be so consuming that she could forever be lost to herself if she let her guard down. But the walls did not stop him- he kept trying to take them down, brick by brick and even when she defended her keep, wounding him to stop him, he kept advancing like a knight of old. Every cut she inflicted on him with her harsh words and unfair behavior, also bled her, but she could not, must not think all this.
She tried to recall her righteous anger at him from when he had taken her, under false pretenses, to a meeting that was so abhorrent to her, that even thinking about it, made her want to slap him. "How dare he", she railed inwardly. "How could he not know what listening to all that rubbish Lakshya was spouting would make me feel? Suddenly, his brother is his priority? How could he not know, that when Lakshya touched me, I wanted to..." Her mind screeched to a halt at that thought in sudden shock, her eyes flying open. With blinding clarity she realised what she had so astoundingly overlooked earlier. It was understandable that she felt offended at Lakshya's suggestion that they get back together. She had said what she wanted to about that to him, and had meant every word about his monumental disregard for emotions and his reactionary attitude that always caused untold grief, compounded by the total lack of responsibility for his part in any of it. However, her response had gone way beyond that.
That was meant to have been about her and Lakshya, and her anger at him for what he dared suggest, and the necessity to explain the obvious to him, but it had instead been all about Sanskaar for her! Why else had she had no thought but to immediately want to lash at him for his betrayal in exposing her to that? All she could think of was how he had failed to protect her from what felt like an assault, and why he was standing there mutely, letting his brother talk to her like that. Could this be the same Sanskaar who had previously raised his fists in her defence? "Yes, the same one," her conscience flared, "And what did you say and do to that Sanskaar? Shame him for his actions so brutally? Why should he speak up for you now, especially with Lakshya, whom you once loved?" Again, her tortured mind went haywire, with her head trying to shut this cacophony out and her heart refusing to obey. She was too exhausted to face this- she didn't want to analyse why stopping loving Lakshya had now suddenly equated to this much distaste of him stating his feelings in front of Sanskaar. She did not understand, did not want to, why that exchange had made her feel so cheapened, and at the same time, shamefully, so aware of Sanskaar standing there. Why it was what he was thinking and feeling that was of prime importance to her. When both Sanskaar and Lakshya had taken her arm to stop her from falling, why was her instinct to brutally push Lakshya away, and why did her insides melt inexplicably at Sanskaar's promise that he would never let anything happen to her? Again, she shut her eyes desperately.
She didn't know how long she lay there, trying to escape the tumult of her thoughts. She helplessly played back all the times she had taken solace in Sanskaar's arms, not with any thought at that time but to seek comfort, but knowing that it somehow felt so right to be there. Suddenly, she was jolted from her reverie by a sound, and on opening her tired eyes, was startled out of her life, when she saw the object of her turmoil sit on the edge of the bed, staring intently at her. She tried to shoot up to sitting, but this brought her closer to him, leaving her with no way to get off the bed without pushing him out of the way, which she suddenly didn't want to do. She looked at him nervously, her heart striking up a staccato rhythm.
"Sanskaar..." she began nervously.
"Ssshhh," he said, raising a finger to place it gently on her lips. Her eyes widened and she stared at him, suddenly breathless and aware of his deep gaze, and the sensation of his finger on her mouth. He didn't look angry, only intense, and then he slowly trailed his finger almost reluctantly away, to cup her face gently with one hand, the other still resting on the side of their bodies, almost anchoring them in place. Her breath caught with the unexpectedness of this. She should push him away, she thought, but her limbs refused to obey. A languor was slowly stealing over her senses, making her eyes heavy. His eyes seemed to be hypnotically pulling her towards him. His spicy woody cologne, redolent of lush forests in the fall, seemed like a heady drug. He came closer, until only an inch separated their lips and then he stopped. But she couldn't, and it was her that closed that last distance between them, letting their lips meld. He was gentle at first, softly exploring, and she involuntarily moved closer into his arms, giving in to the urge to run her fingers through his hair. He deepened the kiss, causing passion to flare in her, sudden and fierce, leaving her wanting more. She made an incoherent sound when...
A shrill ringing penetrated the haze surrounding her and with a start, Swara came to, totally disoriented to find herself alone in the bed, with her mobile persistently flashing and beeping. The screen proclaimed the caller to be her Dida, but Swara was in so state to answer. She was sitting bolt upright now, her face drained of all colour, her eyes wide in shock, shaking her head and whispering a frantic "no", before burying her face in her hands in despair at what her mind had conjured up moments ago.
Parts 2 and 3 are linked below:
Undone - https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/post/128294490
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