Hello lovely people.
So, here is the third and final part of my Comprehensions Series, that started with Unravelling, continued with Unthinkable and ends with Undone. As those who have read the first two parts will know, it explores mainly Swara's growing realisation of her feelings for Sanskaar and where this takes SwaSan. Of course, there is still quite a bit of analysis of how Sanskaar feels but the main aim is to decipher Swara's journey as Sanskaar already loves her irrevocably.
I hope you all enjoy it; it is rather long but I felt obliged to cover a lot of ground. Please let me know what you think.
Proof reading is on-going as I post!
For those who need them, links to the other two parts are as follows:
UNDONE
More Unraveling
Swara stood in front of the mirror, carefully putting the finishing touches to her make up, trying to quell her growing excitement. She couldn't believe how nervous she felt. Once done, she looked around the room for the umpteenth time to make sure it looked as perfect as she wanted it to. She went and straightened an imaginary crease from the bedspread next. She was mentally running through a checklist of items- the "kheer" she had cooked earlier was nicely chilling in the fridge, the rest of the food had been prepared by Badi Ma and Mom, the room was looking good, and she again nervously glanced at herself in the mirror, worrying about whether the mauve and silver saree was right. She had taken to wearing sarees so much more regularly, especially since the night of the business event she had been to with Sanskaar, where she had met his friend Arpita. Sanskaar seemed to get this particular look seeing her in these types of sarees- she didn't quite know how to describe it but it seemed to have an odd effect on her insides, somehow seeming to make them melt. He didn't ever say anything of course, but womanly instinct made up for lack of experience, and Swara felt compelled to wear the softly elegant fabrics around him as much as she could.
Not that she had had an opportunity to be around him much at all over the past weeks, recalled Swara wistfully. He had been away for so long, the weeks had seemed to stretch interminably, making her miss him more than she would have believed possible. Sighing, she went and sat on the couch, absently picking up a magazine she had no interest in. She had taken to sitting on this couch- his couch, quite frequently recently. It somehow made her feel closer to him, and as much as she chided herself over her silliness she nowadays often eschewed the bed for it, missing seeing him occupy that familiar place he had been confined to since she took residence in his room. As was now all too familiar, her thoughts again strayed to him, as if he was a magnet for her wandering mind, which seemed to only want to come back to hone in on him.
The memories of the past few months cascaded through her in waves. She couldn't exactly pin point the one moment that had led to the change in the way she thought of him, about him. But then, it was not about one moment or event with Sanskaar. He had crept past the barriers she had erected around herself in desperate self-defence after the multiple betrayals she had suffered. After all that, how could she have faith on what people termed love? For her, it had equated to treachery and being shunned by the very people she deeply loved and cared for. Yet, he had been there as they had not- he had fulfilled the function of friend and family, and despite her cruel rejection of his regard, he had refused to waver. He stood as firm as the most immovable of mountains, but yet still yielding to her every wish and whim. In consequence, his each act of faith in her, and his tender care so lavishly bestowed without hope of recompense, eroded every one of those barricades she had put up between her heart and another who could love her. She thought how selfish she had been now, she who had always sub-consciously prided herself on her selfless devotion to others, especially her family- the reason Sanskaar often told her he held her in such high regard. In being fixated on them to the exclusion of all else, she had blundered, perhaps almost fatally, although she prayed not. It had taken that last confrontation with Sanskaar to make her really see what she had wilfully stayed blind to for so long.
She had come back to the Maheshwari family again under the pretence of wanting to give her marriage with Sanskaar a chance. A lie he supported her in, knowing full well it was uttered to firstly get Lakshya to abandon his unwanted pursuit of her, and secondly to give Ragini a chance to mend her marriage. This had then been compounded with Ragini's apparent memory loss, which Swara now saw for what it was- yet one more manipulative trick in Ragini's seemingly endless repertoire. However, none of that really mattered to Swara now. She had finally seen the sense of what Sanskaar had said to her those weeks ago before he left. She winced recalling the stark expression on his face and the harsh words he had used, which she knew she totally deserved, but still made her bow her head in shame.
Before it got to that, things had been in a state of endless flux between them for months. Swara had already started thinking about him a lot more than she wanted to allow herself to. She still blushingly recalled the vivid dreams she had unexpectedly started having about him, which had thrown her into such panic. Then there was that pivotal evening when she had been so shockingly jealous of Arpita, something that was so alien to her, it had shaken the very foundations of the lie she had fiercely clung to- that Sanskaar was only her friend. In addition, a multitude of little events kept unfolding, forcing her to face up to a truth that terrified her. He started to become essential to her - she sought his company out all the time, waited for him anxiously when he was not around her, thrilled at his slightest touch, no matter how accidental, felt her heart warm at his dazzling smiles that lit his face up and worried about his daily well being. The truth was, whether she liked it or not, she had been feeling more a wife than a best friend, but she had still childishly refused to acknowledge this, to herself, or to him.
Then there was the endless complications caused by Lakshya and Ragini. As much as she tried not to get embroiled, situations kept occurring where she was forced into compromising situations with Lakshya. She winced remembering how bad some of those had been. Yet, Sanskaar never questioned her or even let her explain. She had not been blind to the naked agony reflected in his eyes and face on some of those occasions, before he put on the stoic mask he had perfected, but all her attempts to talk to him had been firmly rebuffed by him. He would just say that she didn't need to explain anything to him and he knew that she would never do anything wrong. By the same token though, much to her frustration, he started to grow distant from her. She felt the pain of his detachment but was too stupid to know how to halt its inexorable march. He played along with her charade at friendship but as the months wore on, he seemed to brood a lot more and also seemed to stay away from her far more than seemed necessary. He said he was busy with work, but he wouldn't meet her eyes when she tried to question him and every time she asked him if anything was wrong, he denied it. For her part, she was gripped with a strange indecision and fear, she could have perhaps confessed her changing feelings, but she did not know how. Besides which, she was herself caught in a vortex of emotions that fluctuated wildly and the more remote he became, the harder it was to share her burgeoning feelings. She daily swung between seeing signs that he must still love her and then crashing to despair thinking that he had surely moved on. The latter seemed entirely justifiable to her- how could someone who had been treated as he had still love her? Yet, his solicitous custody of her was unremitting, giving her forlorn hope to counterbalance her growing insecurities. Until it all fell apart again.
More of the Unthinkable
Perhaps if it hadn't been for Lakshya and Ragini again, she thought bitterly, it could have been salvaged. Lakshya kept putting them in awkward situations and she stupidly kept trying to reassure Ragini about the innocence of what was happening, once again not focusing enough on what Sanskaar must have been feeling. Looking back now, she saw how, despite trusting her, he must have thought that there was at least tacit acceptance on her part. Things had come to a head after a particularly vicious incident, where Ragini had yet again created a huge scene after clearly instigating a seemingly inappropriate meeting again between her and Lakshya. As she had come to expect, Sanskaar had once again bailed her out but once they were alone in their room, it was as though a dam had burst, and all his pent up rage and frustration had poured forth, scalding her in its wake. It had started with her trying to again explain to him what had happened but he had rounded on her, with his eyes blazing with fury, rather than the tenderness she had so grown to depend on.
"Bass Swara!" he had bit out, raising a hand to stop her flustered outpouring. "Bahut chal chukka hai yeh drama. Roz roz ke yeh natak se thakk chukka hoon main. Kitni baar yeh galtiyan ho skate hain? Main jaanta hoon ke tum kuch galat nahi kar rahi Lakshya ke saath, lekin tum kabh samjogi ke Ragini yah phir Lakshya akele tumhe harr baar mushkil mein nahi daal sakte- tum apni taraf se unko mauke dena bandh kardo toh shaayad baat itni na badh jaati. Joh bhi ho, abh meri bardasht ke bahar hai. Kitni baar sabh koh samjaye ke meri patni Lakshya se aise haalaton mein nahi milna chahti, jabh main khud jaanta hoon ke tum meri patni sirf naam ki ho, aur pyaar toh abhi bhi Lucky se hi karti hoon. Chahe tum maanna na chaho yah phir apni shaatir behen ke liye balidaan dedo, tumhara dil toh Lucky se hi jooda hai na?!".
She had been horrified that he thought this,
"Nahin Sanskaar!! Tum aisa soch bhi kaise sakte ho? Lakshya Ragini ka pati hai! Main kitni baar samjha chukki hoon- usko, Ragini ko, sabh ko! Tum toh mere dost ho naa, toh maine socha ke tum zaroor samjhoge.."
"Nahin hoon tumhara dost!" he had burst in, shocking her into shocked silence. He wanted to believe that she didn't love his brother but he felt sure he did, a feeling heightened with all he had seen in the past months. She denied him out of a sense of duty for her worthless sister. In any case, the truth was that she was being torn apart just as he was and he could not watch her suffer anymore. "Haan, dosti hai hamare beech, lekin tum meri patni bhi ho! Yeh baat alag hai ke tum hamare rishte ko nahi maanti, aur mujhe sirf ek dost samajna chahti ho. Yeh maine apna bhi liya hai. Lekin abh bahut hua, aisi dosti nahi chahiye jissme itni zillat jhelni pade. Harr roz apne hi bhai ke saath apni biwi, joh sirf dost banna chahti hai, usko aise dekhna aur phir biwi ki behen ki naayi naayi challon ka saamna karna- oobh chukka hoon inn sabh se main. Tum yahan che mahino ke liye hi aayi thi na Swara? Abh bahut kamm time bacha hai, tum kabh dekhogi ke tumhari behen naatak kar rahi hai? Lucky ke saath waapis apna rishta jodna chahti ho toh faisla karo aur aage bado, nahi - toh bhi theek hai. Lekin abh hum dono ke beech ke yeh jhooth ko khatam karte hai. Main jaanta hoon ke maine hi tumse kaha tha ke mujhe yeh sabh manzoor hai, lekin abh mujhe lagta hai ke agar maine yeh khel bandh nahi karvaya toh hum sabh hamesha katputliyon ki tara Ragini ke ishaaron pe nachenge, aur yeh mujhe kabool nahi. Aur tum Swara?! Tum bhi soch lo ke tum khud ke liye kabh jeena shuru karogi? Tumhare Maa Baba ke liye joh balidaan diye woh shaayad hi koi karsakta tha, lekin abh tum Ragini ke peeche apni life kharab kar rahi ho? Mujhse nahi dekha jaata Swara, isko pyaar nahi, bewakufi kehte hai."
Saying this, he had stormed off to sleep in the spare bedroom, leaving her churning with distraught thoughts all night. She had decided she would talk to him the next day but she realised how serious he had been about moving away from her, when he had left for work without seeing her and then sent a message that he would be leaving on an urgent work trip to Delhi for a few weeks. So he had gone, leaving behind a loneliness and turmoil of self- introspection for her.
His words had played in her mind as if on an unending loop, forcing her to finally accept what she had fought against- she loved him! Oh, it was so obvious, she thought painfully, but she had been so busy hiding behind endless quests for her family, she was totally guilty of what he had accused her of. His words had ripped the scales from her eyes, baptizing her with the blinding truth. Of course she loved him, how could she not? He used to say that she had changed him, swerving him from the path of revenge and wrong that circumstances had pushed him on. The truth was though, that for any healing she had performed, he had mended her broken soul in return, making her whole again, to live and to love. She had thus spent weeks without him, yearning for him and unable to tell him any of it.
She had also very firmly told both Lakshya and Ragini that she wanted nothing more to do with whatever game they were individually playing. She had firmly explained to Lakshya that she would never go back to him and if he and Ragini did not stop constantly putting her in unwanted situations, she would tell Bade Papa. Lakshya had sulked and protested, as she knew he would, but the threat of Bade Papa was enough for both of them to retreat, at least temporarily. Swara knew that this battle was not over yet, but she simply did not care anymore; as long as Sanskaar stayed with her, she would cope. She just wanted Sanskaar to come back. She had spoken to him a very few times on the phone. He had been curt and unresponsive, making clear that he was busy, and both of them deliberately avoided any reference to their parting discussion. She told herself that she would have to speak to him when he was back, it was a conversation that needed finesse and time. So now she waited, waited for her husband to return, anxious but excited and longing to see him and if he would let her, to explain.
Finally Undone
Swara heard a sound at the door and with her heart leaping to her throat, saw her husband stride into their bedroom, placing his briefcase on the side as he entered. Her eyes drank in the sight of him, as she sprang up from the couch, stomach churning with nerves and excitement. He looked so handsome, if a little tired. His cream blazer over his deep blue shirt and smart chinos, his slightly mussed up hair, presumably from the flight, and those deep eyes that seemed to stare deep into her very soul, all made her feel almost giddy. He too seemed transfixed by her.
Sanskaar looked at her, the sight of her an oasis to a desert-weary traveller. She was so beautiful; she took his breath away. He had tried to harden his heart against her in the past weeks, hoping that putting some distance between them would make his decision easier, but seeing her again immediately shattered any such illusions. He would never be free of her. He slowly advanced, fighting the urge to rush to her and crush her in his arms. God- he had missed her. Soon he was standing before her, both of them unable to tear their eyes away from each other.
"Hi"
"Hi" they both said at the same time. That slightly eased a smidgen of the tension that had flared up around them, the air ripe with suppressed emotions and unsaid words. They awkwardly smiled, strained but still.
"Kaisi ho Swara?" he asked.
"Theek hoon, aur tum?" she replied with her eyes raking his beloved face. "Tumhari trip kaisi thi?"
The small talk was ridiculously inane but they gratefully took refuge in it, not knowing what else to do. Once the basic pleasantries were over, Swara quickly remembered all her careful arrangements,
"Sanskaar, tumhe bahut bhook lagi hogi. Main khaana lagadeti hoon, aur sabh ne khaaliya hai. Aur maine tumhare liye kheer bhi banayi hai," she finished shyly.
He was looking at her with a guarded expression, and replied levelly,
"Nahin, iski zaroorat nahi, maine flight mein khaa liya tha. Main thakk gaya hoon, main guest room me challa jaata hoon."
Swara had been looking crestfallen as he had rejected her carefully prepared kheer, but at the mention of the guest room, her heart truly sank.
"Guest room?!" her voice was a bit too shrill and she knew it. "Kyun? I mean, hmm, tum yahin rook jao, agar aisa hai to mein couch parr sojaoongi gi."
Sanskaar was looking at her strangely now, clearly puzzled by her vehemence and almost as if to say, "yeah right" at her suggestion of sleeping on the couch.
"Nahin, iski kya zaroorat hai, guest room toh hai hi naa?"
Taking a deep breath, Swara decided that she had to take some decisive action now,
"Aur agar main kahoon ke main nahi chahti ke tum guest room me jao toh?"
He looked utterly shocked at this, it was the last thing he expected her to say, noting her flushed cheeks despite the bravado of her gaze, which she refused to drop from his. He tried to steel himself against the flare of hope this gave rise to. "Careful Sanskaar," he cautioned himself. "You know how burnt you can get here."
Trying to keep his face impassive, he replied,
"Yeh sabh kya hai Swara, tum aisa kyun keh rahi ho? Hamare beech jiss tara se mere jaane ke pehle baat hui thi, iske baad mere yahan rehne se kya fayda hai? Main thoda aaram karloon phir kall hum hamara rishta khatam karne ke barein mein bhi seriously baat karlenge," trying to suppress the flash of pain that lanced through him at this thought.
Swara too looked devastated, he suddenly noticed with surprise. Swara felt like she had been punched. So he wanted to end it all, she thought, as the agony hit. She had hoped... but it was too late for regret now. She had after all led them here. She felt tears threaten but tried to cling to some composure.
"Toh tunme alag hone ka faisla le hi liya hai Sanskaar? Jaise maine tumse pooche bina faisla sunadiya tha ke main divorce ke liye tayyar nahi hoon, tumnhe bhi khud hi faisla le liya? Shaayad yehi meri sazaa hai, isiliye main tumhe kuch keh bhi nahi sakti." Despite herself, the pain her heart felt spilled over from her lashes in the form of hot tears.
Sanskaar was truly at sea now, with the moorings cut loose. He couldn't understand what she was saying; he had thought that she wanted to be set free. As ever, her tears were unbearable for him.
"Swara... please- tum ro kyun rahi ho? Maine socha tha ke tum yeh chahti ho? Tum yahan sirf Ragini ki wajay se aayi thi Swara lekin abh Ragini ki fikkar please chodd do, aur apne aap ko takleef dena bhi, he pleaded, wanting to hold her, but not daring to.
"Sanskaar, isme Ragini ki koi baat nahi hai! Naahi Lakshya ki! Tum theek kehte the- maine sabh ke baarein mein socha lekin apne baarein main nahin, aur usse bhi zyaada, tumhare baarein mein bhi nahin. Main jaanti hoon ke maine bahut derr kar di hai, lekin main hamara rishta khatam karna nahi chahti Sanskaar!"
He was now visibly shaken, "Lekin Swara tum Lakshya se pyaar..."
"Please stop it Sanskaar!" she interjected, now with a touch of frustrated anger. "Tumhe hamara rishta khatam karna hai, toh kardo- tumhe poora haqq hai. Lekin yeh matt kaho ke main Lakshya se pyaar karti hoon. Main kya kahoon ke log mera yakeen karein? Lakshya waala chapter maine bahut pehle hi bandh kar diya tha. Woh sirf mera ateet hai. Shaayad maine usse kabhi pyaar kiya hi nahi tha. Jisse main naadani mein pyaar samajthi thi, woh abh jabh pyaar ko samajne lagi hoon, toh pata chalta hai ke pyaar ho hi nahi sakta tha. Kyunke uss rishte ke tootne se aisa toh dard nahi tha, jaisa abh ho raha hai, jaise keh kabhi bhi khushi ka ehsaas abh nahi hosakta."
Sanskaar's eyes widened, he kept telling himself he was misunderstanding.
"Swara, tum kehna kya chahti ho? Tumhi ne kaha tha key yeh sabh sirf Ragini ke liye hai, aur phir hamare raaste alag hone the."
"Main jaanti hoon ke maine kya kaha tha Sanskaar!" Swara said brokenly. "Maine joh bhi bakwaas ki thi, uski sazaa mujhe milne waali hai. Aur abh yeh sazaa bhukatni bhi hogi. Lekin main galat thi Sanskaar, kuch bhi nahi samaj saki thi. Joh dil kehta raha, usse baar baar jhutla diya. Tumhare saath galat kiya, lekin khud ko zyaada nuksaan pohachaliya hai. Abh iss galti ke saath main hamesha jiyungi".
The tears were now streaming down her face and Sanskaar suddenly grabbed her by her shoulders, as if to make sure she was real and not a figment of his fevered imagination.
"Swara! Yeh sabh...Tum mujhe bataogi ke tum kya keh rahi ho?"
"Kya bataoon Sanskaar? Abh bata kar kya karoon?" she said in a tortured voice. "Kya sunna chahte ho Sanskaar? Ke main tumse pyaar karne lagi hoon?" At this, Sanskaar's hands dropped from her shoulders, incredulity marking his features.
"Haan!" Swara continued with a bitter laugh, angrily brushing away her tears as if she would make the hurt disappear. "Ajeeb baat hai na, aaj meri baari hai, tumse yeh kehne ki, jabh ke tumhare pyaar ko maine hi khud maar daala. Abh main bhi ussi aag main jaloongi jisme maine kabhi tumhe dhakela tha."
As if unable to stop himself, Sanskaar again grabbed her, a little harder this time, yanking her slightly closer,
"Swara! Kya tum sach ke rahi ho? Tum mujse pyaar karti ho?"
Looking at him squarely, her tears now having dried, Swara refused to back down,
"Humne toh hamesha ek doosre ki baatein ankhon ke zariye se padhi hai na? Toh meri aankhon se mere pyaar ki sachai naap lo. Lekin main bhi tumpar apna pyaar nahi thopungi Sanskaar. Tum isse bahut zyaada deserve karte ho. Main abh ..."
As she had been speaking, the sheer disbelief in Sanskaar's eyes had given way to a growing comprehension. A strange light shone in his eyes and growing joy seemed to light his features. He could not control himself anymore. He had to embrace this miracle fate seemed to be gifting him.
Swara suddenly found her words cut off as she felt herself pulled to him and crushed against his length. The next minute, his lips were on hers, hard against hers. After a second of stunned disbelief when she froze, she felt her mouth automatically soften and respond to the pressure of his. Excitement flared in them both, it was an almost immediate combustion of passion and pent up longing that had simmered for months and now erupted with a fierce intensity that could not be contained. He was clutching her to himself, and she wound her hands around his nape, her fingers tangling in his hair. He deepened the kiss, angling her mouth, causing her to gasp slightly with the sensations this evoked. It was like those vivid dreams she had been having, but much more potent and beautiful. They stayed like this for a long time, the initial fiery outburst giving way to a gentle exploratory languor. When they eventually broke apart, they were both breathing heavily and Swara felt rather unsteady. She kept clutching his shoulders for support, but he was holding her so tight, there was never any danger of falling.
He was looking at her in wonder and suddenly; she felt shyness steal over her at what had just happened. She flushed and dropped her eyes, but he immediately and very gently tilted her chin to force her to meet his burning gaze. A slow smile broke delightedly over his face, making her blush even deeper.
"Agar mujhe pata hota ke kuch dino chale jaane ka yeh bhi natija ho sakta hai, toh main bahut pehle business trip ka bahana bana deta."
"Sanskaar!" she playfully hit him lightly on his chest with one small fist, embarrassed. "Mazaak matt karo. Itne dino se mera kya haal tha tumhe pata bhi nahi hai."
He raised a sardonic brow now, "Haan, mujhe kaise pata hoga right? Main toh kitni khushi se yahan se gaya tha naa? Lekin haan, mazaak nahi karte hain, abhi abhi jo kiya woh hi dohrate hai, waise bhi tumne pyaar karne main itna time laga diya ke hamari zindagi main se kitne pall to waste ho choke hai. Abh unka bhi jurmana bharna hai na?"
Swara was now looking scandalised at her husband's sheer effrontery. As it is, she was supremely self-conscious at her earlier passionate reaction but he certainly didn't seem to be complaining.
"Sanskaar! Stop it! Aur waise bhi, tumhe kuch nahi kehna?", she tried to divert him to what she hoped was a safer topic.
"Hmm, kya kahoon? Iss waqt mere saamne kuch zyaada hi distraction hai. Ek kaam karta hoon, tumhe apni actions se samjha deta hoon..."
Swara was sure that her face was on fire; it felt that warm. "SANSKAAR!" was all she could manage.
Openly laughing now with a joy that refused to be contained, he let her hide her face in his chest, kissing the top of her head, breathing in the intoxicating scent of her and running his fingers through her silken tresses. He held her to him, feeling a peace he had never known before and a soul deep joy he did not know he was capable of. Again, she looked at him shyly after a few minutes, as if unable to help herself, gently placing her hand on his lightly stubbled cheek, tenderness brimming over from her beautiful eyes. The devotion she saw in his eyes in response, took her breath away.
"I love you Wife," he said, the simple words infusing beauty into her very soul.
"And I love you Husband" she replied equally tenderly.
He kissed her again then and the night was magic, just like the rest of their lives would be.
"I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun." Pride & Prejudice- Jane Austen
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Cricket
