Hey guys!
I have decided to turn the OS I wrote the day before, titled "Unravelling" to a Three or potentially Four Shot. I have also decided to call this The Comprehension Series, as it mainly deals with Swara's growing realisation of what she feels for Sanskaar. The first part, for those who read, was the start of it. We now have Unthinkable- more development from Swara, but also covering some of Sanskaar's feelings. It got rather long but many of you will expect that from me, so hope it won't detract from the piece.
As ever, let me know what you think if you do read and I hope you like it.
Sonal- you hopefully will like this after our exchange on the AT earlier today and for those who have been talking about wanting to see jealousy and dancing, I hope I won't disappoint 😉.
For those who want is, link to Part 1: Unravelling https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/swaragini/4494702/unravelling-a-swasan-ts-the-comprehension-series-part-1
THE COMPREHENSION SERIES - PART 2
UNTHINKABLE
Sanskaar looked up towards the stairs again, and then impatiently at his watch- where was she? She didn't usually take this long to get ready and they were getting late. As it is, this evening was already going to test his resolve. He had no wish to attend the function with Swara, so many hours alone with her promised to be a wrenching mix of both pleasure and pain- fittingly synonymous of his relationship with Swara perhaps. Frowningly, he remembered how hard he had tried to avoid today evening but once again, his precocious wife had thwarted him.
The Maheshwaris had been invited to an important dinner; it was one of those tedious but necessary affairs to those who had to regularly attend, but could be exciting for the uninitiated. The original intent had been for Durga Prasad and Annapurna to attend; the hosts were old time business and social acquaintances who must be accorded due respect. However, the date clashed with a wedding that must also be attended, as it was of the son of one of Durga Prasad's close friends. There had been some debate about how to best manage this, solved in Durga Prasad's usual pragmatic style. He had ruled that the majority of them could go to the wedding but Sanskaar and Swara would attend the business dinner in his and Annapurna's stead. The fact that part of his motivation was to ensure he gave these two young people some time in each other's company, given their recent welcome decision to try to make their marriage work, he kept to himself. He had encountered some unusual resistance from two quarters though. The first was from Lakshya, who immediately insisted he would go too and would accompany Sanskaar and Swara, of course not wishing to take Ragini. The latter however, immediately piped up that she would go too, and as they were all being forced to keep up the pretense of Lakshya and Ragini's marital state, little could be done about it. Durga Prasad quickly overruled this suggestion, it was safer if Ragini was kept herded with greater numbers, and in any event, he didn't quite understand why Lakshya wanted to be a hanger-on to his brother and Swara. He had also not failed to notice Swara's look of panic and irritation when Lakshya had burst in with this suggestion, or Sanskaar's slight clenching of his jaw. That being that, he was truly taken aback when Sanskaar protested, slightly too vehemently, that he could attend by himself and that Swara could go with the rest of them to the wedding. Never one to miss much, Durga Prasad had been quick to notice Swara's face fall at this. "Oh these young ones- they do make life unnecessarily complicated," he thought to himself, puzzled by the undercurrents clearly floating all around them. However, with the air of a man used to having his word followed as law, he simply announced that Swara and Sanskaar would go to the dinner and the rest of them all would go to the wedding. That had been that- no one dared argue with Bade Papa when he took that tone. His only reward had been Swara's grateful smile, offset by glowering bad grace from Lakshya, and pensive thoughtfulness from Sanskaar. All this, except for Durga Prasad's internal reasoning, came to Sanskaar in a flash as he impatiently waited.
Just then a flash of movement caught his eye at the top of the stairs, interrupting his reverie, followed by the appearance of a vision that stole his breath. Swara was coming down the stairs, looking breathtaking. She was dressed in a saree, not in the Bengali style she wore on the rare occasions she departed from the suits she was usually seen in, but draped stylishly over her one shoulder in the more usual modern way. The silver and black combination was striking and seemed to make her already translucent skin glow, as did the tasteful but sparkling jewels that adorned her neck and ears, with her bangles glinting in the overhead lights. She was always beautiful but like this, there was a sexiness about her that made his mouth go dry and heart drum. He had never been one for poetry as such but some lines he had been forced to read for his long ago English paper suddenly came to him,
"She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes."*
Swara felt the heat of his gaze as she walked down, feeling the effects of it as a rising flush in her cheeks. She was nervous- it seemed to have become her usual state around her husband, especially since that day a few short weeks ago when she had shocked herself with the direction of her thoughts about him after having come back to his house agreeing to have given their marriage a chance. How different things were between them, she mused, still reeling from the effects of their changed dynamics. She had come back, clearly with the intention to ensure Lakshya abandoned his unwanted and now totally abhorrent pursuit of her and to give his and Ragini's marriage a chance, but had soon found her mind almost constantly occupied with one person only- her husband. The more she told herself that nothing had changed between them and that her mission to replace her parents was now simply replaced by a new one, the more she found herself getting fascinated with Sanskaar.
There was just this constant disturbing awareness of him- she had thought the embarrassing dream she had where she had imagined him kissing her was a freak occurrence, it was just a symptom of all the stress of recent events. However, that didn't explain why those thoughts intensified rather than lessened, causing her to flagellate herself with countless recriminations about what this implied about her and her morals. That did not stop the thoughts though; it merely heightened her consciousness about him. She started noticing all manner of inconvenient things about him that she had never thought of before- the smell of his cologne - fresh and woodsy, the way his eye lashes fanned his cheeks in sleep, how mesmerising the sudden changing expressions in his eyes were, his long fingers that had previously so gently wiped her tears, how tall and handsome he looked... it went on and on, an endless battering of thoughts and emotions on her senses that threatened to drive her insane.
What was worse though, was his newfound attitude to her. He had agreed to the continued pretense of being married but whilst the legal divorce had been stopped, it seemed he was determined to give her what she had previously asked for through his actions. He stayed politely friendly but with a reserve that had previously never encroached on their relationship. They lived under one roof and in one room but were more apart than they had ever been. Their easy camaraderie and relaxed friendship seemed eons away and it left a void in Swara that no amount of frantic household activity or fake smiles and grim determination seemed to fill. She tried hard to speak to him like she used to, hoping to reverse to at least a semblance of the days when they were forced to live a lie, but were able to do so with much more comfort and ease. But he wouldn't let her- oh, he was polite enough- the friend he had promised her he would be to her always, but somehow distant. That oddly hurt more and suddenly it was just not enough. She never thought she would have felt this way, but she missed the Sanskaar who seemed to always be there for her with zeal, whether in smiling friendship, or offering haven like comfort with an endless supply of pristine handkerchiefs, and even the Sanskaar who brazenly acknowledged his feelings for her and refused to apologise for them. The Sanskaar she used to be able to drive to a frenzy of equal measures of caring or anger or pain, seemed to have been swallowed up by this rather remote stranger with guarded eyes, who she was sure was avoiding her as much as he could. The more she tried to make excuses to be around him, the more he stayed away- his work and office were the most convenient excuses, giving him legitimacy in spending most of the time away from home and her, and when he was back, he seemed either immersed in his laptop or phone - both of which she had come to view with supreme distaste. He acknowledged her attempts at conversation with rather lackluster responses. The smile he used to have for her, which always lit his face up, highlighting his boyish charm, seemed to be so rare as to imply extinction. And how he had tried to resist today, she recalled with a pang. Thankfully, Bade Papa had brooked no refusal, making Swara inexplicably pleased, hoping that spending a whole evening together without any of the family around, could only help ease some of this unspoken tension between them.
Swara's eyes met, and were caught by his. She thought she caught a flash of something hot and almost primitive in them, before he quickly dropped his recently practiced inscrutable mask over his face. However, hope flared in her despite herself, and she felt inordinately glad that she had taken so much time over her appearance, carefully selecting the saree with its accompanying blouse, that was cut rather low in the back, showing tantalizing glimpses of her back when her hair moved. In turn, she felt a strange sensation in the pit of her stomach as she saw how dashing he looked in his jet-black suit, with the deep blue formal shirt and matching tie he wore. Swallowing hard, she stepped up quite close to him, perversely wishing he would look at her again, like he had just moments ago only too briefly.
"Sanskaar, main theek lagg rahi hoon?" she asked both embarrassed but determined to make him acknowledge her more fully.
He shot her a sharp look but quickly looked away again, and much to her chagrin, simply grunted something incomprehensible.
"Deir ho rahi hai, Swara, chalein?" was all he really said.
Crestfallen, Swara let him hurry them out. Her attempts in the car to make cheerful conversation were met much the same way as the past few weeks, with polite but totally impersonal responses. Caught in the vortex of her own insecurities, she failed to notice how tightly Sanskaar gripped the wheel or how hard he tried to keep his eyes from constantly drifting to her.
Sometime later they were mingling with the elite of the business world in the regal ballroom at the beautiful Oberoi Grand Hotel, which had been suitably decked out to accommodate the party thrown by Mr. Gopal Jindal, one of Kolkata's leading entrepreneurs, in the same league as the illustrious Maheshwaris. Swara couldn't help but be impressed by the suave and charming way in which Sanskaar conducted himself amongst these rather intimidating people, making up in confidence what he lacked in age compared to some of them. Not that everyone there was old, she soon realised. They were talking to Mr. Jindal and his wife, a lady who made Sujata seem sensible and discreet in comparison, given some of the comments she kept making about the other guests. In the midst of this, there was a squeal of excitement and suddenly, a young and pretty girl, dressed in an exquisite but rather revealing outfit, appeared out of nowhere and shockingly to Swara, almost launched herself at Sanskaar!
"SANKY!!!" she almost shouted delightedly, giving him a hug.
Sanskaar, after momentarily shock, seemed to recover and was now smiling widely and actually hugging her back.
"Hey, Arpi!!" Kaisi ho?", Swara heard him say.
Mr. and Mrs. Jindal were indulgently smiling, saw a still stunned Swara.
"Main toh theek hoon, lekin tumhe nahi chodne waali. How dare you? Kaha gayab hogeye the tum? Mere itne messages, calls- kisika bhi jawaab nahi diya!", the girl was saying, causing Sanskaar to give her some embarrassed platitudes, which she clearly didn't believe.
Suddenly, she noticed Swara, who without realising it, had been staring at her wide-eyed and wildly confused. Sanskaar also seemed to notice her finally, thought Swara, with a sudden and unexpected spurt of anger.
"Oh, yeh Swara hai, Arpi- meri urmm wife", Swara immediately spotted the slight uncomfortable hesitation before the word wife and also that he seemed to shoot this Arpi, whoever she was, a very odd look at this. "Aur Swara, yeh Arpita hai, Gopal Uncle ki beti aur meri bahut purani dost. Hum college main bhi saath the", it was now Swara's turn to receive the introduction.
"Hey, purani dost kyun kaha? Main abhi bahut young hoon, aise words matt use karo!" Arpita joked and at the same time, looking intently at Swara,
"Hi Swara, nice to meet you", holding out her hand.
Swara still stared at her and for some inexplicable reason, really wanted to refuse the politely proffered handshake. She felt as if she was somehow struck dumb, but through her haze realised that Sanskaar was looking at her strangely, as was this Arpita, still holding her hand out. Finally, Swara reluctantly extended her hand for a clearly limp handshake with a wan smile, the whole exchange fairly awkward and not missed by either Sanskaar or Arpita.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Jindal piped up, "Haan haan, ey dono na, kabhi se kathe padthe the. Mhare ne toh yeh bhi socha tha, ke shaayad humare dono parivaaro ki dosti kabhi rishte mein bhi badal javegi, lekin yeh toh na gaayab hi hogaya, aur phir sunna ke dono bhaiyon ki shaadi bhi achanak hogayi".
"Oh come on Mom," Arpita was laughingly saying, "Kya kya khayalon ke mehel banati hain aap. Aur yeh toh dekhiye ke Swara yahin hai- Sanskaar ki wife!" Swara felt like she had ventured into a congested maze- she wasn't sure which way to turn to get out.
Mrs. Jindal was demurring, much as Sujata would have after saying something inappropriate, and for some reason, all of them, including Sanskaar seemed to find her story about her thwarted plans very funny. That is, all except Swara; the humor entirely escaping her. Soon, Mr. and Mrs. Jindal were distracted by their other guests but not Arpita. Much to Swara's irritation, she chose to stick to them, or to Sanskaar really, thought Swara with growing anger. What made it all worse was that Sanskaar for his part showed no desire to shrug her off. He was laughing and joking with her, much like he used to with her before, Swara thought angrily. Oh, they tried to include her in their college stories, but she felt like the outsider that she was here and at each casual touch of Arpita's hands on Sanskaar's arm or shoulder, all fairly innocuous when you thought of old time friends but somehow deeply offensive to Swara, she kept getting more and more withdrawn. She wished she had never come to this awful party. She had thought it would be some time to spend with Sanskaar, re-kindling their previous friendship, but it had turned into this torture of watching him flirt endlessly with his very attractive friend. "Is that all you still want from him, friendship?", her nowadays inconvenient subconscious taunted.
She was totally flummoxed at her own reactions. She had never been the sort to view anyone's friendship as anything other than what it was. Here, there was clearly a meeting between two old friends- so why was it bothering her? "Does she have to stand that close to him and touch him so much," she tried to justify it to herself. "He is married, to me! I am stood right here and they keep calling each other stupid pet names like Sanky and Arpi and pretending I am invisible," she accused unfairly, knowing that that was far from the truth. Suddenly, she realised that Arpita had been speaking to her, and she had been so absorbed in the whirlpool of her thoughts, she had entirely missed what she had said. Sanskaar was looking at her, a tiny crease between his eyes, puzzled by her uncharacteristic behaviour.
"Oh sorry, maine sunna nahi ke apne kya haha", she heard herself say and before Arpita could get a sentence out from her already open mouth, continued,
"Waise bhi, mujhe bahut pyaas lagi hai. Aap dono batein kijiye, main kuch soft drink lekar aati hoon, mere bina aapko zaada mazza ayega!"
Swara knew she was being unthinkably rude but it was as if the spirit of a shrew had invaded her body and was making her behave in a way she would never have dreamed possible. Sanskaar suddenly looked furious and his jaw clenched, his shoulders stiffening, and before she could walk off like she intended to, he gripped her arm, rather hard. She was taken aback, both by the flare of anger in his eyes and the sudden, slightly painful grip- both of which she knew she deserved, but still upset her. With his eyes flashing fire, he said in a cold voice that brooked no further argument,
"Main drink lekar aata hoon, bar ke paas sirf sabh mard khade hain", striding off, totally forgetting to ask Arpita if she wanted a drink too.
Swara was mortified. She was now left alone with Arpita, who was looking at her with an oddly speculative gleam in her eyes and a slight smile playing on her lips. Swara was flushing bright red now, rudeness, especially to a stranger who had overtly done her no harm, did not come naturally to her. As if taking pity on her, Arpita began to speak,
"Swara, I'm so happy ke Sanskaar ne shaadi karli. You know, jabh hum touch mein nahi the, mujhe uski bahut fikar hoti thi. Tum kya Sanskaar ko tabh se jaanti ho, college ke baad?"
"Uh, woh nahi, actually kuch time pehle hi... lekin unhone aapke barein me kuch nahi kaha pehle," replied Swara, a devil still in her, prompting her to try to push for information of just how good a friend this Arpita had been to Sanskaar.
"Hmm, uske kisi aur college friends se mili ho?" asked Arpita, still innocuously. "Actually, college mein, main Sanky ki dost toh thi hi, lekin usse zyaada uski dost Kavita aur main friends the".
Swara felt as if she had been punched. She paled alarmingly, whispering,
"Kavita..."
Arpita now looked slightly worried. She had wanted to gently test the waters as to whether Swara knew about Kavita, and it was clear from her reaction that she did. Arpita, being a rather straightforward person, decided she had to nip this drama in the bud.
"Dekho Swara, I can see ke tum Kavita ke barein mein jaanti ho. Maine tumhe hurt karne ke liye uska naam nahi liya. Lekin, main tumhe samjana chahti thi ke tume mujse jealous hone ki koi zaroorat nahi hai. Maine Sanky ko kabhi uss tara se nahi dekha. Woh meri khaas friend ka boyfriend tha, aur in fact agar kabhi mauka mila, toh meh tumhe apni khudki complicated love story phi sunaungi."
Now Swara really felt like Alice through the looking glass. This girl, whom she had treated with such unjustified discourtesy, was trying to ease her turmoil, but she was also accusing her of being jealous! Jealous about Sanskaar and his speaking to an old friend with affection? "Oh dear Lord, no", thought Swara desperately. She couldn't be jealous, what right did she have and how could this happen to her?
Arpita was now smiling kindly at her,
"Dekho Swara, please don't be upset. Mujhe saaf dikh raha hai, isiliye keh diya. Mujhe bahut khushi hai ke Sanskaar apni life main aage badd raha hai. Uspar kya beeti hogi woh toh main sirf imagine kar sakti hoon. Uss haadse ke baad mera khud ka haal itna bura tha, ke Sanky ka toh... Lekin aaj usse tumhare saath dekh kar, I'm so happy. Please meri wajay se apni shaam kharab matt karo. Main sirf uski dost hoon aur agar tum chaho, toh tumhari bhi dost banna chahungi". Hugely surprised but touched by this, Swara looked at Arpita in a totally new light for the first time that evening. She smiled in response, looking very shamefaced and said, "I'm so sorry..." but was cut off by Arpita telling her not to be silly. Just then, Arpita glanced ahead suddenly, and Swara realised that she was looking to where Sanskaar was now approaching them, with two drinks in his hand, his face still taut with displeasure.
He reached them, looking at them both sharply, to find Arpita now smiling widely, with a mischievous glint in her eyes, and Swara looking slightly dazed and rather pale again. Despite his anger at her, he was instantly concerned,
"Are you ok Swara? Yeh lo drink," thrusting a cold glass towards her, which she took silently, but with her eyes wide in her face. Almost reluctantly, he looked at Arpita, almost questioningly but politely holding out the other glass in his hand to her, which she smilingly refused.
"Arrey na, mujhe abh Mom aur Dad ke pass jaana hai, bahut saare boring logon se batein karni hongi. Sanky, atcha hua ke tum drink lene chalegaye, meri aur Swara ki atchi dosti hogayi. Abh tum promise karo ke hum log saath kuch plans banayenge, hai na Swara?"
Sanskaar looked rather stunned at this unexpected turn of events that seemed to have evolved in the relatively short space he had been gone. Before he could say anything, he heard Swara saying, with the first genuine smile he had seen her give since Arpita had turned up,
"Of course, aap please call karna, hame bahut saari batein karni hai?"
"What the heck?!" thought a confused Sanskaar, "Has she suddenly become bipolar? She was so rude earlier, now she wants to arrange a session for girl talk?"
However, before he could think much more, Arpita had whirled off, much like she had come. He turned to face Swara, guarded and more than a little wary. She had now struck up a stream of needless chatter, and was studiously avoiding his eyes. He had to get to the bottom of this.
"Swara, kya ho raha hai? Tum pehle iss tara se kyun behave kar rahi thi?" he asked bluntly.
He saw her flush and her eyes dropped again but suddenly, she squared her shoulders, as if in a gesture of defiance and looked straight in to his eyes, much like the Swara he remembered before his confession of love changed their dynamics forever,
"Mere paas koi bhi explanation nahi hai Sanskaar. Buss sirf itna kahungi ke I am sorry! Please bhool jao? Maine Arpita se bhi dosti karli hai, isse zyada main kuch nahi kehsakti."
"What on earth was he supposed to make of that," thought Sanskaar, even more confused. "Why is she hell bent on tormenting me? I agreed to this continued farce of a marriage as despite myself, I cannot lose her and will do anything to keep her happy. But does she not see that pretending each day that we are nothing more than friends, is like death by a thousand cuts for me? That is why I try to avoid her, but even that I can't do successfully."
Before he could answer though, there was a furor was being caused at one end of the ornate ballroom, where Arpita was announcing on a mike that whilst this was a business function of sorts, it was also a time to celebrate and therefore there had to be dancing, so she urged all the couples in the room who wanted to, to grace the floor with their partners. Outrageously, she called out a special mention then to Mr. Sanskaar Maheshwari and his lovely new wife, Swara- an announcement that totally nonplussed Sanskaar and made Swara turn bright red, instinctively moving slightly closer to Sanskaar, as it to get him to somehow hide her. Thus, there was nothing more to be done; they had to take the floor with a handful of other adventurous souls.
Swara moved into Sanskaar's arms, as if she had meant to be there from the start. He placed one arm around her slim waist, the other clasping her hand, bringing her closer to him, inwardly sighing with the pleasure of holding her like this. She fit there perfectly and placed the hand he was not holding on his shoulder. As the strains of the music began to waft across the room, they both seemed to find a sense of harmony, not just in their steps as he led them through the slow dance, but in the wordless communication they seemed to strike up, gazing into each other's faces.
"So this is what it feels like to hold a slice of heaven in your arms," he thought, forgetting entirely that he was meant to be keeping a distance from her and that minutes ago; she had infuriated him with her unexplained behaviour.
"How can this feel so perfect, so right," Swara was thinking. "Why does it make me feel like I am the most cherished person in the whole world, and that I never want this moment to end?" She was still reeling from the forceful acknowledgement she had come to, that she had been insanely, irrationally and totally unnecessarily, jealous of his interaction with his friend earlier. Now minutes later, instead of running away as far away as she could from him, she wanted to never move from the protective circle of his arms, which felt both safe and yet excitingly dangerous at the same time. "What is happening to me", she thought despairingly. "I have to fight this, I cannot allow myself to feel like this. I know this, so why can I not stop myself? How can I think like this, feel this?"
Yet, can the heart that lets the head overpower it, ever be considered worthy of the sort of love that can inspire stories, music and poetry? Giving in to her senses, Swara let her head gently rest on his chest, both of them still moving in perfect rhythm to the music, their faces mirroring blissful contentment, unseen by each other but somehow shared still.
* Fellow poetry lovers will instantly recognise Lord Byron's famous work, "She Walks in Beauty", apparently written on 11 June 1814, the same night he saw his cousin Lady Wilmot Horton for the first time, wearing mourning dress. It has always been one of my favorite poems of all times. The rest of it is as beautiful if anyone wants to read it. If you like poetry and haven't read it, you won't regret doing so.
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
