An Ishra SS: Sirf Tumhare Liye - Final Part page 13 - Page 6

/* First and foremost, let me apologize for the super duper delay in the update. Unfortunately, my father in law got hospitalized last week, and although thankfully he is back at home all hale and hearty, it somehow put a break on my thoughts. Anyway, I have slowly and steadily pushed myself towards this and the outcome is for you to read and review.

Another thing, as I had mentioned earlier, the entire idea behind this piece is to delve into the unexplored world of Ishita's past. It always intrigued me that how did Ishita deal with her past and what was her story. I have tried to explore it as much as I can, but somehow, three drafts later, I am still not satisfied with the outcome. For a novice like me, it is an uphill task to put my thoughts in words. Anyway, I have read it multiple times already, and although I know it could have been better, somehow I feel that this is the best I could present. I have broken this part into two because I felt that Ishita's past needed more attention than a few pages. I will try and update the second part soon.

One last thing before I begn. I have never watched YHM from beginning and actually skimmed through the old episodes to catch up with the present storyline. Therefore, its possible, that I am incorrect about certain facts related to Subbu. I have taken liberty of christening him and giving him a name. Further, as far as my memory goes, Subbu and Ishita met each other when they were 15. I have developed their story from there. Please feel free to correct me if I am wrong.*/

/* Fun Trivia: Aani happened to mention in her review that the real name of the character who plays Subbu is Bhanujeet. No wonder, of the entire junta in this forum, I had to bring him back from hibernation in my maiden venture. JJJ.

PART 4(A)

Apne roothein, paraye roothein, Yaar roothe na

Kwab tootein, waade tootein, dil ye toote na

Roothe to khuda bhi roothe, saath choote na

Prior to this evening, Raman did not realize that silence has its own language or the fact that he actually understood silent conversations so well.

He had lost count of how long they had been sitting there. For outsiders, they were any ordinary couple who were finding solace in each other's company; but in actuality, each of them were going through their own individual warfare.

For Raman, this incident had acted as a wakeup call. Raman had deduced the following facts during this evening, each of them more disturbing to him than the other.

For starters, Raman knew nothing about Ishita. True, he knew the basic background of her life; he also knew that she was a doting mother, a dutiful daughter in law, a good Dentist, he even reluctantly admitted that he was a good wife but what about just Ishita? How was she as an individual? Who was Ishita? What were here likes or dislikes? What brought a smile to her face? What made her sad? What did she think about this marriage? It disturbed him realty that he did not know the answer to even one of them.

Then, there was Subbu. Raman realized that while he had opened up to Ishita about Shagun quite a bit but he knew nothing about Subbu. Hell, he did not even know his full name. Ishita had never mentioned Subbu as far as he could recall. She had mentioned his name only once when they were locked together in their own home, but barring that one incident, nothing. In fact at that time also, it was not about Subbu. It was about the similarity of the situationand that's it. He did not know what Ishita's take on Subbu was after whatever happened between them.

One thing was clear from her breakdown today, there was definitely more to her agony than it looked at the surface. Her reaction today had solidified his belief that her wound had never healed ... she had just concealed it with her smile for some reason. And the reason he was so confident was because he had himself been a master at it at one point of time in his life. The only difference was the way they had dealt with the trauma. Raman had concealed his pain beneath his shrewd, ruthless, stone faced attitude. The rare times when the real broken Raman will surface was either when he would get drunk and loose all his senses or sometimes when he helplessly broke down in front of Mihir.

All these questions made him very restless and his mind was working overtime. At one point of time, he even considered confronting her about all this but eventually stopped himself. Ishita was an intelligent woman and she will share it with him if and when she will be comfortable. The "if" part in his statement disturbed him to no end. Did Ishita actually trust him enough to share her problems? Afterall, she was scared to share her torment during Parmeet episode also.

It amazed him that how easily he had confided in Ishita about Shagun, Adi and all his worries. she was the same woman whom he had chided away a few months ago for interfering his life and now she knew close to everything about his past. But, could he say the same about himself? Was he a good partner or actually was he even a good friend or support for her?

The final part which disturbed him greatly was his own behavior this evening. He was unable to justify his behavior towards Subbu howsoever much he tried. While he was mature enough to understand that both of them had come a long way from their Sirf Ruhi ke liye' phase, yet at the same time, he was well aware of the limitations of this relationship. Yes, he was far more comfortable with Ishita as compared to the beginning, but both of them knew pretty well that there was no future to this relationship beyond a platonic friendship.

However, inspite of this, he wanted to kill Subbu at the spot when he tried to talk to Ishita or get near to her. He had stopped Subbu but now he was having second thoughts. May be Ishita wanted to talk to him; or had actually talked to Subbu; had he not stopped him. He knew nothing about them. May be Subbu had something to say which Ishita wanted to hear. This brought back that uncomfortable feeling in his gut yet again and this disturbed him. The last time he had felt something like that was when he saw Shagun with any other man during their happier times. But, that was another story ... Shagun was no doubt very beautiful and any normal husband will be jealous if someone else tried to check out his own wife ...

Wait a minute ... Raman's eyes widened ... Jealous ... this could not be ... jealous for Ishita ... concerned, protective ... this is what he felt for Ishita, nothing more, nothing less ... his mind was clear about one fact few moments ago ... their relationship was entirely platonic and nothing else ... Then what brought out that abrubt reaction from him ? ... And what disturbed him the most during this evening was the fact the he knew the answer ... but was too scared and cowardly to accept it ...

Raman was going through this internal battle when Ishita softly spoke," Subbu ka beta ekdam uski copy hai na. Acha hai. Subbu ko hamesha kehta tha ki dekhna mera beta ek dam mujhpe jayega."

She had a faraway look in her eyes while she spoke these words. It was as if she was in another world reliving her memories. Raman who was in his own turmoil came back from his trance; and forgetting all his inner battle for the moment, was all ears at once.

"Main aur Subbu ek doosre ko bachpan se jaante the. Mujhe dhang se yaad bhi nahi hai ki hamari frienship kab aur kaise hui; bas itna maloom hai ki Subbu hamesha se mera sabse special friend tha. Meri life ke har sukh dukh me Subbu mere saath tha. In fact, Subbu har jagah tha. Tutions pe jaana hai, Subbu hai na. School se late ho gayi, Subbu chor dega. College me night shift hai, Subbu saath me hain na. Meri proxy lagani hai, Subbu hai. Lecture miss ho gaya, notes chahiye, Subbu ke copy kar lo. Kahin bahar trip pe jaane ke liye Amma Amma ko manana hai, Subbu chutki me mana lega."

"He was my true 3AM friend. Uske saamne mujhe kabhi kuch pretend nahi karna padta tha. Kabhi bhi kuch kehne ya karne se pehle ye nahi sochna padta tha ki pata nahi vo kya sochega. Vo ek aisa insaan tha jo meri life ki choti badi, achi buri sab secrets jaanta tha. In fact, kai aisi baatein bhi jo shayad meri family me bhi koi nahi jaanta. Yet, kabhi mujhe ek second ke liye bhi nahi laga ki mera secret safe nahi hai ... kyunki again vo mera best friend hai."

She gave a fond smile and continued, "Mujhe aaj bhi yaad hai. Mujhe bachpan se kadakti hui thand me raat ko ghane kohre me icecream khane ka shauk tha. Subbu kehta tha ki bhagwaan ne mere jaisa ek hi piece banaya tha. Lekin fir bhi sirf mere karan, December aur January me jaanboojh kar night shift assign karwata tha and ham raat ko kadakti hui thand me bahar jaakar icecream khate the. Mujhe to maza aata tha lekin Subbu har saal beemar pad jaata tha. Har saal uska New Year resolution hota tha ki is saal se Ishu ki behudi demand poori karna band ... lekin fir kuch hi dino me uska resolution mere karan fuss ho jaata tha."

"Ham dono ka ajeeb sa rishta tha. Ek alag hi comfort zone tha jisme shabdo ki koi zaroorat nahi thi. We were like an open book to each other. Ek doosre ka chehra padke bata sakte the ki agla step kya hone vaala hai."

"Vo sabse pehle mere liye mera best friend tha, baad me mera boyfriend. Shayad isliye hi mujhe kabhi kisi aur friend ki zaroorat mehsoos nahi hui and mere school ya college me koi aur close friends nahi bane."

"Uska proposal was also not a big shock or surprise for me. It was just like a natural progression in our life. Kahin na kahin ham dono ko realize ho gaya tha ki ham dono ek doosre ke perfect match hai and it was time we graciously accepted it. "

"Kisi bhi normal ladki ki tarah mai bhi apni shaadi ko lekar bahot excited thi. Ek ladki ko apne husband se kya chahiye hota hai ki vo uski care kare, use protect kare and sabse important use beintaan mohabbat kare ... Subbu aur mere relationship me ye sab kuch tha..."

Her voice broke while she uttered the next few words, "Shayad mujhe apni hi nazar lag gayi. Tabhi to ek pal me meri zindagi badal gayi aur sab kuch ... sab kuch khatam ho gaya."

Ishita closed her eyes and a loan tear trickled down her face at the same time. Raman completely understood that, at the moment Ishita was probably reliving the worst memory of her life.While a part of him wanted to stop her from going any further as he knew how haunting the memories could get, the sensible side of his mind had somehow registered that she needed this release badly. He had already deduced as much from her behavior in the evening, that her wounds had never healed and if his presense meant even a wee bit of respite for her, then he was ready to be like this forever.

Raman did the only thing he felt was best given the circumstances. He placed his hand over her's, gently squeezed it and hoped that his gesture will reassure her of his support. It seemed to work because she slowly opened her moist eyes, gazed at their hands for a couple of moments and then entwined them together.

"Jab mujhe pata chala ki mai kabhi maa nahi ban sakti to mujhe sabse pehle Subbu ka khayal aaya. Mujhe apne se jyada uski fikr ho gayi thi. Use hamesha se bacho ka itna shauk tha. Shravu ko pehli baar god me lete hi usne mujhse keh dia tha ki use kam se kam teen bache chahiye ...Usne to bacho ke naam bhi decide kar rakhe tha. Mujhe samajh me nahi aa raha tha ki Subbu pe kya beet rahi hogi. Kaise use dilasa dungi ki hamare saare sapne hamesha ke liye toot chuke hai. Main apne dil ko baar baar yahi samjha rahi thi ki mujhe strong banna padega, apne Subbu ke liye; hamare liye."

She sighed and continued, "Lekin mujhe kya pata tha ki ye problem ab hamari nahi; sirf meri ban chuki hai. Mujhe us par itna vishwaas tha ki maine sab obvious signs ko bina kisi jhijak ke ignore kar dia. Kisi ne mujhe samjhane ki koshish bhi ki to maine unko hi suna dia. Akka ne mujhse jab poocha ki agar Subbu really mere liye worried hota to hospital me ek baar bhi kyu nahi aaya, to maine unse hi jhagda kar lia. Apni saari family ke khilaf ho gayi thi mai. Koi usko mere jitna nahi jaanta tha. Jab use koi problem hoti thi to vo apne shell me chala jaata tha and use itni mushkilo se bahar nikaalti thi mai. And ye baat, isne to hamari life ke equation hi change kar dia tha, to uska aisa reaction obvious tha."

With a homorless laugh which never reached her eyes, she said"I guess, I severely needed a reality check. Jaise hi mai thodi theek hui main Subbu ke milne uske clinic chali gayi. Maine kisi ko ehsaas nahi hone dia tha par kahin na kahin mera subconscious mujhe warning de raha tha ki kuch to galat hai and it was high time that I cleared everyone's and most importantly my own apprehension."

Raman could easily read the trepidation is Ishita's voice when she spoke, "Aage jo bhi hua vo mere dimag me ek video ki tarah recorded hai and I have played it a million times in my head sirf is hope me ki shayad kahin koi umeed ho ... shayad maine hi samajhne me galti ki ho. Lekin har baar sirf ek kadwa sach saamne aata hai ... Mai us din Subbu ki aankhein bhool nahi sakti ... jin aankhon me hamesha maine dosti ka, pyar ka, khushi ka ehsaas dekha tha, un aankhon me us din sirf ek ehsaas tha, DAR. Mujhe dekh kar vo dar gaya tha ... vo dar raha tha mujhe face karne se ... Uski aankhon ne vo sab bayaan kar dia tha jo shayad vo kehne me dar raha tha. Kaisi ho Ishita? Ab tabiyat kaisi hai? Tumhe itni door tak nahi aana chahiye tha. Ghar pe rest kar lena chahiye tha. Uski baton se lag raha tha ki use meri fikr hai, lekin uski aankhein, uske nervous gestures kuch aur hi bayaan kar rahe the. Uske is behavior ne mere worst fears ko mere saamne laake khada kar dia tha; ek vajood de diya tha. Aisa vajood jo meri aage jaake meri zindagi ko badalne vaala tha."

Suddenly, she laughed without a trace of humor in it and proceeded, "Kismat ka mazaak dekho, Subbu us din bhi mera haal-e-dil meri aankhon ko dekh kar samajh gaya tha. Kisi shabd, kisi explaination ki zaroorat nahi thi. Bina kuch kahe ham dono samajh chuke the ki sab kuch khatm ho chuka hai. Mai bahot kuch kehna chahti thi, react karna chahti thi, gussa hona chahti thi, chillana chahti thi, rona chahti thi, lekin I was too numb to react." Ishita spoke in a broken voice.

"Main mechanically vahan se uth ke bahar jaane lagi to Subbu jaate jaate nazre jhuka ke dheere se bola ... I AM SORRY ISHU."

End of Part 4(A)