Navya
This is it….that is just it!!!!...Enough….Its just enough….enough said….enough done….now…no more. I cant take this…I cant take this pain…this slicing of my heart into 2 as I witness the 2 families spewing nothing but venom….of hatred….of inhumanity against each other!!!
The fault lies in me….in Anant….in us….we did wrong…we didn't think…we didn't conceptualize….we didn't plan….but most of all….we didn't intend any of this. Things just happened….like a ball rolling down from the peak of a mountain……in a gush…in a force….without control. I never knew that this force was going to end up destroying the high held prestige of these 2 families that I have bonded with…..1 at birth n the other at my new phase of life towards adulthood.
Each of the words that my ears withheld today pierced thru every little pore of my skin thrusting down right into my soul. It was a pain of immense guilt…of immense shame that till this moment as I pen down my day today in a much shaken stance……….I find no solace …..no harmony …..surrounded within this four walls of concrete that I once used to know as my bedroom. My heart is still trying to rejuvenate from its ultra beating palpitations as I try to recollect n reason how I advanced my 2 feet into that verbal warzone standing right in the midst of all scourging eyes. And I find no answer to that except that I had to do wat I did coz I really cud not bare to see this exchange of curses between the families I so fondly love.
Ohhh………where have all this come to??? I wish I cud have controlled the beatings of my heart…I wish I had never met or seen Anant…..I wish this Kanpur trip had never happened…….I wish I cud have reverted back my appending footsteps in these beautiful feelings of love…..I wish I cud have stopped time from heading anywhere into this stage……and I wish so much more……but simply let all this come to an end…..Its just not worth it at all.
Oh my written reflection of my hearts…..my diary….I wish u cud help me come out of this whirlpool ….where I m getting sucked into without a cause. Life cud show me this day as well….I never knew that….but if these beautiful feelings called love is going to scrutinize every human emotion in such harshness……if its going to spread such hatred….such defragmentation….such disorientation within our families….than its just better to leave love n any feelings related to it at the bay only to be looked at from a far. If my heart is going make hearts of my loved ones break……than I'd rather lock it up and never let it breath its moments. If my relation with Anant is going to rip apart all relations that he n I have been born with….than its better that this relation sulks away into death never to be reformed again!!!
Yes………..this may just be the fate of my heart….of those feelings it brewed….of that beautiful bond that Anant n I shared!!!...Its not going to be easy…….it will prolly mean walking over my dead soul…but I've got to do this!!!!!!...
Let the peace prevail!!!!!!😳😳
Navya signing off
12/09/11
Anant
Dear Diary….
I am dying a thousand deaths today as I pen down in u ……wat unfolded infront my naked eyes today. Truly I wish ….this day wud have never come. My heart took a sudden stop ….my veins took to a sudden freeze and the cells of my brain took a sudden seizure as I saw my love….my other portion of my heart…..my Navya take a dip towards the ground as she wept her heart….her soul out across those that mean dear to us. My soul collapsed along with my breaking n shattering to pieces Navya as I saw her not in control of herself. Renu di…..dadiji and Auntyji all were there to resurrect her from her falling self but look at my misfortune……..despite being right there infront of her….despite having the every urge in me to hold her….despite my advancing footsteps towards her…I cud not hold my Navya….I cud not her….I just cud not be there for her when she needed me the most.
Whyyy???? Why I ask?? Wat wrong have we done?? Wat was so wrong about feeling the emotions of our hearts…..about following those emotions n simply being a breathing human being who allowed themselves to live from n by the heart???
Today when I saw Navya in that state….when I heard her speak our guilt of the innocent wrong that we did……when I witnessed the amount of shame n pain that she went thru in that moment…..I realized how much strength all this is going to require from me…….I realized how my promise of togetherness will play its pivotal role……and just how much I will have put up with to save my innocent n gold hearted Navya from the cruelty of this world.
How honestly n innocently she spoke that we meant no harm to anyone……that we meant no pain to anyone and yet she herself stood today with the most pain for being the most pure n pristine heart ever!!!!!! How cud Baba …papa….bua dadi ….my family…her family not see that?? How cud they be so heartless to not feel her pain???
No …….I cant let Navya take all this heat upon herself…..I cant just sit n watch her being snatched away from me without even being given a chance to speak n prove her innocence….my innocence….our innocence. I cannot let my family….her family just slide away without seeing thru our hearts n reading the spells of those beatings. They will have to understand us…..they will have to see thru us for we are no strangers but their own children. And for this…….I will have to uphold myself….tight n strong…..come wat may……be it wateva the severity of consequences I have to face……I will not let go of the hand I held back then in this midst of the storms. I will not let go of the promise of togetherness I made to Navya for now its not the time to shy away or revert back towards societal norms n family pressures but its rather time to stand for wat we believe in…..for myself……for my Navya….for my Love!!!!! 😳😳
Anant signing off
12/09/11
Rab Raakha,
Shilpa 🤗🤗
Previous Diary Entry Posts
Anant's 1st Diary Entry
AnYa Hum Tum Diary Entries
Navya's Diary Entry 2
Anant: Kaisi Majbooriyan
Navya's Entry: Emotional Zoo
AnYa Hum Tum Diaries: Kehdo Tum Ho Meri
Diary Entries: Navya, Meeta and Anant
Diary Entries: Ya Rabba
Navya Diary Entries: Tera Chehra
Anant Diary Entry: The Cruelity of Time
Other Non Diary Navya Posts
Nayi Soch...Nayi Dhadkan
Fears of Emotions
Letters Of Maple Leaves
Woh Hamesha Meri Zimedaari Rahegi
The Difference Between Reality n TV
Hum Kadam Tere Sang
Anant to Navya: I Breathe In You
The Quiet Calms Before The Next Storms
Letters of Liquid Pearls
A Smile In Distress
And The Truth Endures Yet Again
Come Let's Build Bridges
A Weapon Called Motherhood
