Navya
My hands are shivering with fear…..my mind is swinging as if I have just been attacked by vertigo….my heart is pounding against the walls of my skeletal structure and I feel a strange pain in my gut!!! I really had never wished to hurt that one person whom I love the most….the one person due to whom I am wat I am today….that one person where my niche lies…….My mom!!!!! Today I know I have hurt her…….and probably in the most painful way………and I have never imagined….nor wished that her little baby…her gudiya who has now grown up into a young intelligent teenager with all her efforts will one day be the very reason for the immense pain that I have just put her into…When I saw my b'day card that I was so horridly searching thru my wardrobe in her hands…..my heart skipped thousands of beats in those few seconds at once…..but when I saw the tears of defeat in her eyes as she descended on my bed…..I felt a huge drop inside of me and I felt a part of me drop defeated along with her…..
Ohhh!!!!!...how I wish this day wud never have come……how I wish I cud have taken this courage ….this strength that I have today….this right mindset to reveal all that I had to way b4 she herself found out!!!
When mom had called me earlier tonight while I was busy enjoying the beautiful….but cheatingly snatched moments from my parents with Anant……I heard a stern tone that I had never heard b4…it sounded as if God had given me his final command….as if I am being put on trial n the judge is about to give his verdict …..as if I have suddenly failed all my classes and the teachers were about the announce the results…….and ouchhh!!!!!!...it was the most gross feeling I cud have ever gone thru….I felt grossed out at myself for doing wat I was doing ………..for becoming that person I never intended to be…and that was a "cheater"…Yes….I was cheating no one but myself…coz I kept ignoring the inner voice in me who was telling me to reveal all to my parents….I didn't really cheat my parents….coz I knew better what I shud have done…they have instilled in me such values n knowledge…..but its me and my selfishness to enjoy what I prolly may not have gotten otherwise….it was my fears to lose that someone who now means the world to me……but in all this….I forgot that I am losing touch with my real self who never believed in lying and who always had the courage to do the right thing……I forgot that in my jist to obtain fake happiness….the reality will slip underneath me like a carpet and I will be left in the bare land to burn my skin on the heated soils….But I guess as they say….its never too late and today after hearing that tone from my mom on the phone….I decided on the ultimate and let Anant know as well….
He was skeptical….he was hesitant….he was fearful …he was still in the phase of denial that I was few hours ago ….but I cud not and was not in the position to let go of this time that prolly destiny had plunged into my pocket today…not esp when I had recognized the sign of destiny and knew that there was no more tomorrow…..and that wat had to be done was today….tonight….
I wasn't sure if Anant will stand thru with me in this at that point but later when he showered me with his unconditional support and reminded me of the promise we had made to each other….I knew be it rain or shine…..whether after my step we be together or not……..our love for each other will always be there…..we will always be there…..maybe not with each other….but for each other!!!
B4 I pen off today and begin my incline towards the toughest phase of this journey towards blossoming love filled life with Anant that I dream……I ask u my dear diary…..be with me and pray for me!!
Navya signing off
05/08/11
Meeta Mommy
How do ppl even write diaries….I don't even know where to start from….but it seems…that from now on…maybe this book of blank pages will become my next n only best friend………Till now I always had thot it was my daughters…..first it used to be Renu….but after her marriage….I began searching for a friend in Navya….my gudiya…..Goshhh……God knows when she became such a beautiful young lady from the chirpy n bubbly little gal dressed in frocks I wud so lovingly n endearingly buy for her…..I guess….thats where my mistakes lie….is that I never realized she has become so grown up that she doesn't prolly need me in her life…..that I may not be the friend she might wanna have and share her secrets with….I guess…it was wrong on my part to assume Navya will always confide in me just coz I am her mom!!!
Today….more than hurt….I feel dejected…..I feel defeated….Maybe somewhere along the route on my motherhood….I went wrong…There has to be a mistake in my upbringing of Navya that today…I see guilt in Navya's eyes….I see her fall on my lap with tears in her eyes….
It wasn't as hurtful to see wat Navya was doing on the computer today……it was her reaction that pricked my heart …..my soul the most….Was my parenting so loosely gripped that forces of outer winds blew away the chains n snatched my innocent n nave Navya away from me so easily???Why is that today the Navya that rose from her chair with shocked looking eyes was not the Navya I cud recognize??
I don't know….and more than that….I have no clue where n how I went wrong….Navya said to me….she wanted to tell me something…..maybe I shud give her a chance to speak…to say what she has to tell me….I don't know tho if I cud withhold all that she has to deliver…..and I don't even know of things will remain the same as b4 or not….if I cud see my Navya in the same eyes as I used to ….but being her mom….and living up on the fact that I always had considered her a part of my being….I will open the doors of my heart….mind….ears n soul to listen to wat she has to say!!!!
Meeta signing off
05/08/11
Anant
Dear Diary…..
If there was ever a book with stories of a beautiful start but horrific end….then my night tonight shud be included in there as well….I mean….what was all that…I thot I just surpassed a narrow escape from being caught…but it seems that was just the beginning of the horror….
I thot we going to have a nice romantic night at the terrace n then enjoy the lovely dinner with the even lovelier friends and then I wud wave them all a sweet good bye ….but Navya turned it all around for me….my ears cudnt believe wat I was hearing from Navya as she spoke to me her conscience….No she wasn't wrong….but I just she didn't want her to rush into anything that later will not only cost our relationship…but will have her regretting for the rest of her life…..and my life as well….
Navya tho was determined…and the tone with which she informed me our fate…..I knew there was no stopping her today….and how cud I….when wat she was going to do was something we had to face someday….and as much as I didn't want it this early….I will stand with her….with her….for her….at all times….just as we had promised….
I love You Navya……and know that I will always be there….right beside u…Together We Stand!!!…
Anant signing off
05/08/11
PS. This is my first attempt at Meeta's Diary…so I hope I have done justice to it and pls kindly excuse me if any of mentioned wordings offend any mommies here….I sincerely apologise for that….😳😳😳
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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