Posted:
Dear Diary,
I can feel the blood in my veins rush to the skin as I shakingly write out myself to u...my head feels heavy n burdened n my heart is by now weakened with the constant beating of pain that was thrusted earlier today...I see a blurry image of the paper as the water in my eyes ...that is vision of the pain that I m feeling inside...makes it hard for me to even properly synchronize the alphabets...and yet...I seek u to share n unload wat has been piling within me...
Navya...the one name that has changed the definition of my life...the one person that has the shaken the roots of the ground where I used to stand...the lady who makes my heart beats race at marathon speeds and the innocently simple gal who's eyes speak a thousand of symphonic notes...today those very eyes were filled with tears...tears of confusion...tears of anger and tears of pain...Pain that I gave her...
Ohhh!!!!!!!...I cant even begin to tell u wat it felt like seeing those innocent round big eyes with those shimmery tears...My heart just took at sudden stop...the noises around me suddenly went into vacumm and world suddenly seemed to have come to a halt...I felt like a huge metal rod was shoved into me at that moment n a huge realization drew in..."I have hurt Navya"...
From the day I had that awakening call from Baba in the darkness...my world seem to have torn apart...I dont know where I belong anymore and I seem to be sucking into emptiness...I see no roads...I see no destinations...I see no resolve neither do I know the routes to it...but 1 thing I now know...is that in my devastation of confusion n in my jist to pull myself out of there...I have been very insensitive to Navya...so much so that today...the reason for her cry is ME...
I have wronged her...from the start till now...it was me who led her to a world about which she has questions for me today...it was me who held her hand to take on this new journey we both were so eager to explore ...but it was me who left her midway as well...
Navya is right...she deserves to question me...she deserves to know her answers...and she has every right to give me those blaming look...but wat do I tell her???? I have no answers for her...for I am in search of them myself...
Today when she stood up to walk away from me...I felt like she is pulling away me from myself and I felt a punch in my gut...as if...it became hard to swallow a breath as well...
I cant let her go...she defines the Anant in me...she is the song that the notes of my heart writes...and she is the rhythm of the music my inner self hums ...BUTTT I cant seem to let go of...wat I have been entrusted upon by my family...of the chains of values that form the link to make the Anant that the world sees...and of the boundary that I have marked for myself...Today I feel a divided Anant...1 who wants to stand true upon the expectations my family n I have placed in myself...and 1 who wants to sway along the motions of my heart and be a free bird flying into beauties of the world with Navya...
Who do I choose...I dont know...both the sides I see a loss...and from each loss...I lose a portion of me...Ahhh!!!
Help me God...help me dear diary...help me!!!
Anant signing off 05/31/2011...
Rab Raakha...
Shilpa 🤗
I can feel the blood in my veins rush to the skin as I shakingly write out myself to u...my head feels heavy n burdened n my heart is by now weakened with the constant beating of pain that was thrusted earlier today...I see a blurry image of the paper as the water in my eyes ...that is vision of the pain that I m feeling inside...makes it hard for me to even properly synchronize the alphabets...and yet...I seek u to share n unload wat has been piling within me...
Navya...the one name that has changed the definition of my life...the one person that has the shaken the roots of the ground where I used to stand...the lady who makes my heart beats race at marathon speeds and the innocently simple gal who's eyes speak a thousand of symphonic notes...today those very eyes were filled with tears...tears of confusion...tears of anger and tears of pain...Pain that I gave her...
Ohhh!!!!!!!...I cant even begin to tell u wat it felt like seeing those innocent round big eyes with those shimmery tears...My heart just took at sudden stop...the noises around me suddenly went into vacumm and world suddenly seemed to have come to a halt...I felt like a huge metal rod was shoved into me at that moment n a huge realization drew in..."I have hurt Navya"...
From the day I had that awakening call from Baba in the darkness...my world seem to have torn apart...I dont know where I belong anymore and I seem to be sucking into emptiness...I see no roads...I see no destinations...I see no resolve neither do I know the routes to it...but 1 thing I now know...is that in my devastation of confusion n in my jist to pull myself out of there...I have been very insensitive to Navya...so much so that today...the reason for her cry is ME...
I have wronged her...from the start till now...it was me who led her to a world about which she has questions for me today...it was me who held her hand to take on this new journey we both were so eager to explore ...but it was me who left her midway as well...
Navya is right...she deserves to question me...she deserves to know her answers...and she has every right to give me those blaming look...but wat do I tell her???? I have no answers for her...for I am in search of them myself...
Today when she stood up to walk away from me...I felt like she is pulling away me from myself and I felt a punch in my gut...as if...it became hard to swallow a breath as well...
I cant let her go...she defines the Anant in me...she is the song that the notes of my heart writes...and she is the rhythm of the music my inner self hums ...BUTTT I cant seem to let go of...wat I have been entrusted upon by my family...of the chains of values that form the link to make the Anant that the world sees...and of the boundary that I have marked for myself...Today I feel a divided Anant...1 who wants to stand true upon the expectations my family n I have placed in myself...and 1 who wants to sway along the motions of my heart and be a free bird flying into beauties of the world with Navya...
Who do I choose...I dont know...both the sides I see a loss...and from each loss...I lose a portion of me...Ahhh!!!
Help me God...help me dear diary...help me!!!
Anant signing off 05/31/2011...
Rab Raakha...
Shilpa 🤗
Ufff Yeh Love Hai Mushkil
Jhanak
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