Meeta
Soft as petals of flower I treated her…..warm as comforters of the bed I covered her ….clear as a crystal I kept her….a fruitful blossoming plant like I nurtured her and free like a bird have I let her fly n bloom with beauties of life…..She is the dream I used to see in my eyes….she is the sunshine that gives glory to my being…….she is the breath of air I breath out from within….she is the beatings of my heart that sings the poems of my life……she is my child….my "gudiya"…..my Navya!!!!!
Today ….as I fill more of these blank pages of my diary with a little river of salty pearls flowing down my cheek along with a lump in my throat and a guilt ridden weeping heart…….I really am at loss of words to describe the pain….the grief ….the remorse that I am feeling……..I feel like creeping underneath a bed away from everyone in silence….I feel like hiding in a closet where darkness cannot see my face ….I feel like dumping myself in a pool of water so air of life cannot make its way towards me again………Why…..why why?????? Why did I hit my twinkling little angel….How did I even raise my hand on her?? What was I thinking?? Cudnt I have controlled this evil called anger in me???
Watever she has done…..I cannot seem to consume it…neither can I seem to comprehend with it……..as much I may want to try it as well…..but how does that give me a right to act with such disgrace??
I have always stood ahead of all obstacles….all weapons heading towards my baby….and today….I myself so mercilessly snatched away that protective shield from her and humiliated her!!!! How….How cud I??? Yuck!!!!... I hate myself….I hate myself for what I did….
Navya has wronged me….yes …I agree……she has betrayed me and pushed me into the clouds of darkness………..but she is my child….my belonging….an extension of myself…..and I in my absolute lack of conscience….not just wronged her….but condemned her to an extent that is close to crime….
She is no longer the sweet n bratty little school going kid that my actions can be permissible…she is now a fully grown young beautiful ady who has the capability to derive a functional conscience….who understands the happenings around her and its consequences…..and such heinous act will only leave a terrible mark on her collection of memories and dat too…..a mark contributed by me!!!!!Ohhh!!!...I never imagined or wished for such a day…..
When I saw that beautifully innocent face dissolving in a flood of tears……I felt my entire being crumbling into nothingness….I went numb as the echos of slapping sound deafened my ears and I was surrounded with a vacumm of hollowness …..
This day marks as the most cursed day of my life….for it was the first time ever I conducted such an abuse to my poor little baby…..
I want to scream out and say sorry to her……but alphabets also seem to betray me today….I want to hold her….pamper her like old times……wrap her in my arms and kiss her pain away…..but most of all I want to tell her….."I love You My Baby" and look at my ill fate today….I don't even know how to say these words to her when she needs to hear it the most……..
Oh God…………whyyy????????
Meeta signing off
12/08/11
Navya
That's it….enuf is enuf….Maa is hurt….and today I have come to realize that its more than I can even begin to imagine…..and I cannot behold this notorious feelings any longer…..Today…Maa did something she has never done since memories accompany me….She slapped me and her anger ….her grief….her pain was not bursting out in her actions….but in those eyes that filled up like tubs of water…..
I saw those hands clasp in the reflex pain she felt upon hitting me….I witnessed her cry of guilt as she covered her mouth ….and I observed her retreat in her despair as she took to the doors of my wardrobe as pillars of support……
No maa nooo…..please don't cry….please don't be hurt….I cannot handle ur hurt…..I cannot afford to see those tears ur eyes maa….I really love u maa….and I never thot ur good little gal as u have always called me….will bring u such misery….such agony!!!!!!! I never wanted to be in ur bad books mom n its such a shame that I cut my own cut my own wings to fly back into the nests of being an idle daughter….
Now the least that I can do for u mom is to put a balm of comfort on ur open wounds and not let the malaise spread its boundaries….and I know exactly how to do this maa…..
I don't know wat will be the aftermath of my actions….….but I know that cannot let u sulk in this dismay any longer for papa …..my savior as always …….will escort me to ur rescue…..even if it means stepping over me and crushing me into pieces….I will ensure Papa does assist me to not let u down any longer!!!!
Navya signing off….
12/08/11
Anant
Dear Diary..
I am trembling…I am crunching….I am compressing into a fine powder as today….my worst fears are coming true……My Navya was scrutinized for my ill deeds…..She was put to condemnation due to my stupidity……She was slapped by her mom!!!
When I heard these words from Ritz on the phone…..a felt a sudden jolt inside of me….as if someone just pushed me down a cliff….as if terror has exploded beneath me and as if…..a tornado has blown away the roof of my shelter…..
Nooo……….whyyy….why cant I ever think b4 doing anything??? Why does my every action seem to have an opposite reaction...why whenever I think of being there for her……I only dig more holes for her….
No Navya…..ur hurt…ur pain is reaching my cheeks…my heart….my soul and I am finding my self so helpless today…I want to be near u….console u…talk to u…..but how???
Ritz have put chains of ur name in my pathways n despite the severe urge…I cannot cross the boundary that can further jeopardize u…..
I know that tonight sleep will become an alienated word for me and my thots will wander into a crowd of solutions……but navya…..I want you to know that despite my physical being not there……my emotional….my spiritual self is right there with u…..always….n forever…..
Ahhh……..I only wish…a magic cud be spelled n I cud whisper these words softly into ur ears!!!!!
Anant signing off
12/08/11
Harsh
Yo diary….can I say this is such fun writing things u cannot necessarily get a chance to voice out…..but ouch…..how unfortunate I am…that my first set of words is that of happiness…..infact its not of sadness either….but rather its of confusion….and OMG….I cant believe that my first attempt on diary writing n I am going to write about chipkali….
U know wat……I always jumped at the thot of maa n papa scolding navya…..it gave me a certain high….infact ….I sometimes purposely instigated her to do things that wud land her in trouble as well……just so I can sit back and enjoy the sight with my popcorns n pepsi…….
Alas……..when the day finally came…….I never thot that the sight will be so dreadful……
I saw wat I had never seen b4…..Maa and chipkali crying…..in her room and u know wat…..its strange……but somehow….I cud feel their pain as well….
I don't know wat has happened…..its so confusing….but I can say from what I have observed…..chipkali this time has really landed herself in deep trouble….
It doesn't seem like she will tell me what has happened…..and I really wud not like to indulge in her affairs as well…..but one thing I know is…..today strange bond of brother n sister pricked me….and chipkali became my sweet elder sister who reminded me that I love her n I care for her…..no matter how she is!!!!!
Harsh signing off
12/08/11
Shilpa 🤗
)..
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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