Jokes - Page 53

that is an absolutely lovely one. reminds me of this soap story...

This is a true story of correspondence that took place between a hotel guest and the staff. The hotel who submitted this has a policy of giving free soap to all of its guests.
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Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you.
S. Berman

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which are my standing instructions from the management.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid,
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I did not remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder informed me this A.M. that you called ham last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 A.M. and 5 P.M. Thank you .
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 A.M. and don' t get back before 5:30 P.M. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night - you were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along
with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8:00 A.M. and 5:00 P.M.. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in last last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Asst. Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.

Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them - the 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously
your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also broguth 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

On shelf under medicine cabinet -
18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser - 7 Cashmere Bouquet in 1 stack of 3 & 1 stack of 4, 1 hotel-size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill, which is not in use, will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman

A young second generation Indian in the US, is explaining the significance of Diwali to his younger brother. This is how he would go about it... So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.

He decided to get his wife and his bro. along...you know...so that they could all chill out together. But DUDE, the forest was reeeeal scary shit...really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked ass with darts and bows and arrows... so it was Fine. But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro., Lakshman, pissed... And you DON't piss this son-of-a-gun cuz, he just kicks ass and like... all the gods were with him. So anyways, you don't mess with gods.

SO, Ram, and his bro. get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... so, Ram, Laksh. And their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his ownhood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest...And anyways...it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch a ride back home...and when the people realize that our dude, his bro.

And the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days...so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was pretty cooool...you know with all those fireworks...Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks..And you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding..,that was the very first music-synchronised fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, THAT was how, like, this festival started. Cool! Diwali rocks......

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out:"Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.

"Cured him ?"

asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

An Old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Grandson, I wanna you listen to me. I wanna you to take my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You listen me. Some day you gonna be run da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots of money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos.

"Some day you gonna come home and maybe find you wife in a bed with another man. "What you gonna do then... point to your watch and say, Times Up?"

Jas good one yaar.

You know, I liked that DUDE ramayana stuff.

This is a short story written by Dr Kishore Shah....

He is a gynaecologist in Pune and a very gifted writer....enjoy this
extremely funny story

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Woh Kaun thi!

My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynaecologist.

(In fact, we had nearly called our hospital The 'Holey' Family hospital but
are now waiting for our son to be a Proctologist and
marry an urologist.)

This can lead to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish.
A General Practitioner phoned me up and told me that she as sending a
patient of hers for an abortion.

Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with earwax for removal of
the wax to my wife. (That's when the real confusion began!)

I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she was
expected (and expecting!)
As Murphy lays down the laws of our hospital, it was but natural that the
patient who wanted the wax removed from her
ear, landed up with me. This is the conversation that I had with the
patient.

"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile. I always have a big
smile, when I am going to earn some money.
The patient gave a feeble smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the
chair. "Relax."

"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"

"Not at all."

The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we tried removing
it at home, but failed."

I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious
complications."

"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn't
budge."

I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"

She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbor tried to remove it with
his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin."

"Oh my God!"

"Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."

My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without uttering
a word.

"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"

I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much.

I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent this
happening. Or you could use protection at night."

Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that it
happens only at night?"

I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are in
the mood, you should use protection."

She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"

Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of mood. It
just happens."

"My neighbor advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the
roadside."

"You mean that pin man?" "Yeah!"

This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides using
pins, he was sending her to such quacks.
"You were wise not to heed his
advice."

"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait.
However, that also did not work."

This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbor deserved to be locked
up either in a padded cell or a barred one.

"But have you taken your husband's permission?"

Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband's
permission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai. We were
not able to meet for the last one year."

It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of 'those'
cases. The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect.

I reassured her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all needed."

"However, I did inform him on phone."

Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't know whether
to congratulate her or to commiserate with her.

So I hastily turned to other aspects. "Its good that you came a bit early."

"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other
work."

"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this
removal, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed a
heartbeat."

The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie.

Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the
grotesque details.
I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You will bleed a bit, but only for
a few days."

By now, the poor patient was trembling, "how-H-How much bleeding?"

"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will continue
only for a week or so."

By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring at me
wide-eyed.

I asked her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on the examination table?
Remove your underclothes and relax."

This was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye.

I saw justa blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.

Suram, yenga pidicheega itha!!! nalla irunthuthu super.

that was blooming funny suram... 👏

First Jas with dude Rama and then Suram - my God I am laughing like mad at 12.09am 😆

Jas and Suram, I can't stop laughing 😆😆 😆