Hello you all! Right then, for now, this is the concluding part to the Despatches Series. It is Sanskaar's letter to Ragini. I was going to do one to Shomi but as I explained yesterday, as per the current track, which I am broadly writing in line with, it doesn't fit. For those who read the whole Series, it started with Sanskaar wanting to leave for a while as devastated by the divorce and hence writing to various family members. At that point, I thought he should write to Shomi and entrust Swara to her and also sneak in some home truths 😉 but now the context has changed. Yesterday's letter to Swara made clear that now Sanskaar is going nowhere- the divorce is off the table and so our knight has to stay and guard his lady! Thus, for now, I am concluding with the below to Ragini. I may at some point in the next few weeks, depending on the way the track develops, do one from Swara to Sanskaar.
I hope you like the below. It is rather an odd one but I felt it was apt for what Sanskaar and Ragini have gone through. As ever, let me know what you think and thanks so much to everyone for the constant encouragement and support!
Links to the rest of the letters in the Despatches Series:
Dear Ragini
I will cut straight to the chase with you. Mindless platitudes and holding back, I save for others, but I know we don't need them. You see - I have been on a letter-writing spree. I had this great idea to write down all that has been churning in me since months, threatening to bubble over as incoherent rage and despair, before taking off in to the sunset for a while. You know why- yes, due to the joint divorces our oh-so considerate families agreed to gift both Lucky and Swara; their belated attempt to set things right for the victims of this drama. So I have been merrily writing away- Lucky, Mom, Maa, Dad, Bade Papa and Swara were all the potential recipients, but as usual, your sister threw me one of her spectacular curve balls. I see now that there shall be no divorce for Swara and myself - for now. So, none of those letters will ever be pored over by the ones they were written for. But this one- to you- this is the only one that will be sent. After all, we started what has led us here together, and so it is only fitting that I end this eventful chapter like this- by talking to you, albeit by means of a letter.
It has been a hell of a ride, has it not? I often wonder what would have happened if I had not extended a hand to you, to offer you a ride on my one-way express train journey to Hell. Because I guess I was always strong enough to jump off. I didn't think that the fear the of taking a leap off once boarded, onto the tracks racing past as viewed from the speeding carriage, may be too much for you. In my defense, I never in my wildest imaginings had thought that I myself would abandon that journey halfway before the last dark outpost. Even less did I think that I would then board a different line, destined not only to travel opposite to the one I left you on, but at one stage, to collide head on with it.
For my part in this, I am truly sorry but you have to take your share of the blame. You learnt all the wrong lessons from the guru but when he tried to teach you the right ones, you were busy surpassing him in the wrong ones, the ones he should have never taught in the first place, and you should never have learnt. I recall reading that there is a theory that the word "guru" is derived from "gu" implying darkness or shadows, and "ru" meaning the dispeller of that darkness. Whilst I proudly proclaimed myself your guru, I fear I failed you, as you certainly absorbed the former from me but did not let me fulfill the rest of my role and bring you to the light. I know how easy it is to get accustomed to that dark - it had been my habitat for a long while before I met you. This is why I so wanted you to abandon that path when I did, as seeing the light again taught me why the dark is reviled. Unfortunately though, you were not to be swayed. Maybe because those who dwell in the light have nowhere to hide and the burden of constantly being so good can get tedious? Oh, I know there are those like Swara who can never venture off that blazing path- the shadows cannot touch them. They are the proverbial angels, made to always float in bright places and if you let them, pull those like myself, out from the abyss. I talk about us Lucifers- we, who were the morning stars that perhaps burned too bright and then succumbed to the morbid call of the pit.
How did it come to this Ragini? I know the sequence of events only too well, but what I mean is - how did you let it go this far? I am not berating you- you know that preaching "ad nauseam" is not my style. As it is, a host of crusader types, led by your sister, surrounds us. I will leave the sermonising to them. It never did any good in my opinion, as since when did someone in the throes of an obsession of the sort that controls you, have the capacity to really absorb such lectures. I know that change can only come if you embrace it, warts and all. Changing from the wrong side to the right is contrarily painful. It's almost as if God wants to test the resolve of those who say they want to make amends. You have to pay- karma makes you and reformation brings with it a host of demands all designed to inflict more hurt, before the healing can start. That is why I am writing to you today.
You see, Ragini- I don't believe you have changed. I know you have convinced Swara that you have. That makes it entirely meaningless to me. I know my Swara- she is too good to be of this world. She resides in a utopia that doesn't exist. She survived to date somehow as perhaps someone watches out for her from above, and from now on she will not have to worry about survival, as I will do that for her. You know I love her. You understood it much better than anyone else- you never wondered about the whys and wherefores. If anyone can understand that logic and love have no relation to each other, it would be you. After all, your love for Lucky is even more inexplicable. Swara, despite her nave idealism, is still steadfast and true; she is thankfully free from the innate self-centeredness that has always marked Lucky's make up. She is afflicted at the other end of the spectrum and lacks any sense of self-preservation. Which is why I have to stand guard for her forever, regardless of whether she is my wife, or Lucky's or anyone else's. I will always be there for Swara, one way or the other. She is my queen, just as Lucky is your king and we may well be the ones forced to duel to the death for them.
I am hoping it won't come to that though. Because if it does, I will win that battle Ragini. You know this is not vanity or pride speaking. I am merely stating facts. It will not matter to me whether I survive the experience or not, but any arrow ever aimed at Swara will need to pierce through me first, and it will therefore forever be deflected from its target. How can I be so confident that I will triumph over you? Well, I think that boils down to the way we both view our love. For you, your love has become about possession. I told you multiple times that you cannot force love and make someone love you. However, you are unable to love without needing reciprocation. To me, the fulfillment of my love is now immaterial. I am not so altruistic as to deny that should there be any chance of Swara loving me like I love her, or even feeling an iota of what I do, I would perform whatever miracle was demanded of me. By the same token, should she want me to lay down my life to keep one she loved near her, I would happily play Sydney Carton to her Lucie, and smilingly go to the guillotine*.
I had never believed in the concept of self-sacrifice. Oh, I loved Kavita deeply and you know how I wreaked havoc when she was unfairly snatched from me, but our relationship never needed us to aspire to such lofty ideals. Easy understanding and happy times, until it all went wrong, marked the course of our togetherness. I never had to explore the depths to which I would have to go to make her happy- we made each other happy as young, carefree lovers do. Then came Swara. I have had to learn that "you can sacrifice and not love; but you cannot love and not sacrifice"** It has been an awful lesson, thinking about giving her up is like being pierced by a million burning daggers - white hot pain and unrelenting agony. Yet, I would die a thousand such deaths for her. Some lines from one of my favorite films come to mind:
"Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure."***
It took meeting Swara and loving her to make the above make perfect sense. Thus, where there is no sense of self, there can be no fear of consequences. This is what gives me the edge over you. I don't doubt your love for my brother. However, until you make yourself strong enough to well and truly be able to set him free, you will not be free of your limitations. Again, I know you say that you are ready to let Lakshya go. I even hear that there is a desire for you to right the wrongs and reunite him with Swara but I am not buying any of it. It smells of an old trick in a recycled bottle and I made the mistake of underestimating you once, which almost cost us Swara, so never again. You may have changed, and I hope for all our sakes you have but beware if you have not. You will read this as a threat and I can semanticise and say it is a promise, but it is what it is. For, I should be ashamed to admit that I would cause you harm if needed, but being my usual brutally honest self, I am not. If there ever again comes a time, when I have to defend Swara again, I will do it by whatever means necessary and it would not matter to me who stood before me. A threat to her must be nullified and neither my hand nor my heart would waver from yielding a defensive sword.
We are so alike in many ways Ragini. That is why we were such good friends before. I saw so much good in you, I know it is still there somewhere, and I sincerely hope you will allow it release again. After all, I reclaimed myself and I know you can too, if you want to. To tell the truth, I miss my "duppatewaali dost". I don't mean the "old Ragini" the rest, including Swara, talk about, because that Ragini was a lie. That Ragini was simply showing the world a projection of herself she thought they wanted to see. She tried to pretend her wishes, dreams, wants and ambitions were of secondary importance always, and that is why she perhaps allowed her alter ego to take over. It would also explain why that doppelganger was and is capable of such deeds as made even a hardened reformed reprobate like myself quake. I mean the Ragini I saw- my old friend- she was good and kind, she had the capacity for selfless love without obliterating herself, and she understood right and wrong but wanted to stay on the straight and narrow. She was not capable of hurting but she got hurt so she learnt to hit back, but forgot that inflicting pain on the ones we care about only destroys us in the end.
Therefore, I hope that we see a return of that Ragini. She will have a new found voice, a confidence she lacked before. She will thankfully never be as unrealistically self-denying as her sister, but I can guarantee her that after she genuinely repents, she will be forgiven, accepted and even loved again. I cannot promise her Lakshya, but that Ragini will not need him anyway. Oh, she may get him or she may not- but that will be as immaterial as whether Swara will ever love me or not; that is not what matters. Her love will be all the return she needs, and it will fulfill her despite the pain, just like mine does. I am hopeful to see a return of that friend and I promise her for my part, that should she make a re-appearance, I will be waiting with a hand extended again. Only this time, we will walk along in companionable silence, perhaps of a sunny beach with gentle waves lapping at our feet- a far cry from our last mad dash to purgatory.
You friend or foe- you decide,
Sanskaar
NB: First footnote below contains a spoiler so if you want to read A Tale of Two Cities ever and don't want to know what happens, skip it!
* Many of you will be very familiar with what is one of my favorite books of all time and certainly, a favorite character too. This is from "A Tale of Two Cities" by Dickens. For those who don't know, Sydney Carton was an amazing character- a dissipated and disillusioned but brilliant lawyer who bears a striking resemblance to a nobleman prisoner he is defending. The time is of the French Revolution and over time, Carton falls in love with Lucie Mannette, who in turn loves and marries the same prisoner Carton saved- Darnay. In the very end, Carton takes Darnay's place at the guillotine so that his love can escape and live with her husband and their daughter. For those who have read, they may agree with me that there are shades of SwaSan there but hopefully we will get a much happier outcome for our Sydney!
** Quote by America author Kris Vallotton
*** These lines are of course from the movie Shawshank Redemption based on Stephen King's book, Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption: A Story from Different Seasons. The writer for the film also was Stephen King. It always makes my list of top ten films of all time.
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