Ragini OS: CONFESSIONS

I have never cared about my sister Swara.

She is everything i will never be. She is good, smart, lovable. And with reason. She is a very nice girl. Kind. Stands for what she believes in.Strong.Righteous.Even after every crime i have done against her, she out of sisterly love, has always forgiven me.

She will always be the bigger person. Always be the one person i badly want to be.

And never can be. I'm not good enough.

I'm an old fashioned, shy and repressed girl. One of the girls who can't mix; girls who crave desperately to be good at something, who desire to be accepted and fail, who desire to feel wanted and are always being made fun of for not being on the same page with the multitude; to fit inSomeone who lets other people copy their homework...hoping that one of those people will consider hanging out with me someday, will make friends with me. Will not find me boring just because i'm not outgoing like the herd of people around...to be someone's first choice as a companion, as a friend, as a lover.

I loved Laksh. Badly. Very badly. Desperately.

I know its no excuse for the heinous crimes i have committed. But thats the reason.

Imagine when you fall in love with the person who has been chosen as your fianc by your family. I asked for nothing in return. I just accepted him. My elders had chosen the right guy for me. i accepted him. Then he went and broke my heart.

Again. And again.

First i gain a mother...and then my family gets insulted by my fiance's family. I give up on him and fight for the mother I want to have. She is a brilliant woman.

My fianc wants me back...as a nursemaid. To care for his brother, who by the way was pretending to be mad for some agenda of his own. I make friends with the brother, Sanskaar. I pity him. He was getting hurt. People were picking on him...calling him mad. I was the only one he could trust. He hid behind me. and I protected him.

Then i get to know that my fianc has fallen in love with my sister. My sister. Swara.

You know I once read the Bible in the school library. Found it really interesting. There was a story about David and Goliath. How Goliath took the poor man's one ewe lamb.

Laksh went behind swara. Swara felt guilty about it. But she too gradually fell in love with him. With my one ewe lamb. I mean why? Was i not good enough? Did Laksh ever stop to think that he was hurting me? I bled at heart. But i swear i could still have stayed nice and sweet. Not be a villain. But then Sanskaar told me the tale of how he wanted revenge.

And he is clever. Sanskar. He too used me. and i let him. Laksh broke something inside me. I just wanted to snatch him. With no consideration for his love for Swara...with no consideration of whether he was willing to love me or not. He had never cared about trampling me like a child tramples the grass to reach a flower he sees blooming amidst it. So why should i care?

There is a saying in the Bible. Take what you want and pay the price, says God. I took Laksh. I, with sanskaar's help blackened Swara's character by making people believe she was a junkie. I became a murderess. I attempted to kill my sister who loves me. i threatened suicide and coerced Laksh's impulsive side into marrying me. because i know he is an emotional fool. In front of my brains Laksh is a susceptible idiot. Oh he believed Swara for a long time. Then i forced his trust to break by irrefutable evidence of Swara's deceit. Only the deceit was mine.

My father and step mother's marriage went down the drain. My father and Laksh are similar somewhat. Every girl marries her father. Good natured but fools. Easy to manipulate.

Sanskaar is better than i am. He knew exactly when to put a brake. He knew that even if his family had caused his love her death...Swara was not responsible...and he was causing her pain without blame. I should have realised the same. Sanskaar tried to make me understand. He offered to take all the blame and let me off the hook.

So when he suddenly took an u-turn because swara made him see he was wrong...I was already in too deep. He you see had nothing more to lose. He had lost Kavita anyway. But I had just started gaining Laksh...and i still had my family who would crush me if they knew what i had done. So I outed him. And before you could blink...i had almost killed my sister...and got married to the guy i loved. Everything would be alright i thought.

I am grateful to God..that he let swara live. I really am. I should die. Not she. She is good.

I am not mad. There is a very thin line between madness and deliberate evil. I was obsessively in love. And obsession can cause that thin line to disappear.

I hoped Swara would take the high road as always and forgive me.When she came back...I felt for one fleeting moment that maybe she would take pity on me and just go away and let things be. But then why should she? I wronged her. And my parents. And Laksh. I lied to my in laws.

All i wanted now was Swara to go away and let me try to gain Laksh's heart. But she would not. She wanted to reunite my parents. I have no idea why. Ma is obviously way better off without a husband who will abandon her at the slightest sign of a sinking ship. She said she did not want to get Laksh away from me...but getting me to confess the truth to anybody would mean losing him. Losing everything. I am trapped. I do not have a way out.

I'm a spider who has built her web and caught her wanton and is trapped in her own net.

And for what?

Sanskaar was the one person who had actually ever understood me. Swara came close...but she is a resident of the white side of the universe...and i belong in the dark. Sanskaar has lived in the grey. So he understands. He asked me long ago...that what would i do after i gained Laksh? And i could not answer him. He knew that my brake on madness had stopped working. He tried to stop me. he kept warning me to stay my hurtle into evil. Tried to reason with me. Tried to threaten me.but he was too late.

And now...guess what? He is in love with Swara. Laksh is in love with swara.

They should be. After all...she deserves affection.

Today again Sanskaar understood me perfectly. He pitied me. Beacuse he knew that i took what i wanted...yet when it came to paying the price for it...I found that it was not worth it. and he knew thati was no longer the simple girl he called his dupattewali dost.

Laksh was not worth it. He married me on impulse...as a rebound on swara.He is incapable of loving me. I instigated it yes. But as Sanskaar said..."love cannot be snatched. It has to be either earned or unconditionally bestowed upon you"

But instead of sympathisizing with me today like he used to...today he made me carry my burden home. Because although he understands and pities me still...he loves swara. And he wants to protect her from me.

I am no longer jealous of Swara. She should really stay with sanskaar.Get married to him.for real. If she has any brains, she will chose him. Laksh does not deserve her. He is weak. Nice, but weak.

I am going to fight...and try to keep Laksh. I'll go on hurting Swara...to make her go away. I'll have to hurt Sanskaar too...coz he is her shield now...and he is merciless where love is concerned. That i know. For his love who is dead...he started this. He is the only one who can end this. For his love---Swara.

And i will be checkmated. Sooner or later. But i will still play. Thats all that is left now. A fight. I already have lost.

But to all those who call me pure evil incarnate...why did Eve taste the apple even when she knew it would destroy her connection with GOD?

Maybe she was close- to -death hungry.

Me too.

I only choose not to think about the wrongs i do...beacuse the alternative is what i am already contemplating.....after i realised that Laksh does not care about me. That idiot never will. He will only do rash impulses like getting affianced just to save his brother...or marry someone and keep making promises he can't keep to get over the girl he loved and keep licking his wounds. He won't even try to start anything with me. If he had...if i was secure...I may have dropped all this.

But then i don't deserve his love. So why would i get it. Thats fair I suppose.

Because thou hast rejected the word of the Lord, he hath rejected thee from being king.

that all this was for nothing.

That I will have to kill myself. There is no Justification possible.

"Yahweh: You've been unhappy because you've desired things that cannot be.

Lucifer: That's what desire IS. The need for what we can't have. The need for what's readily available is called greed. No matter whether it is good for us or not."
Mike Carey, Lucifer, Vol. 11: Evensong