Posted:
Hey friends,
DO NOT COPY THIS POST AS THIS IS EXCLUSIVE TO INDIA FORUMS
One more in the Despatches Series- this one is due to popular demand from some (notably my soul friends Viji and Medha ❤️) for one from Sanskaar to his Dad. We never seem to hear much from Ram Prasad (i.e. RP) on the show so it might be interesting to flesh him out this way, albeit entirely from my imagination. Nothing in this is really anything I have seen from the show as far as his back story goes, so please forgive me for having made it almost all up! I never used to watch the show except very very occasionally before (i.e. before Sanskaar turning positive) so even if there were more than 5 lines attributed to RP, I am not aware!
So, here goes and hope you enjoy it!
Note: Link to the rest of the Despatches so far:
Letter from Sanskaar to Lakshya https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/swaragini/4490375/despatches-series-part-1-os-letter-from-sanskaar-to-lakshya
Letter from Sanskaar to Sujata https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/swaragini/4490918/despatches-series-part-2-os-letter-from-sanskaar-to-sujata
Letter from Sanskaar to Annapurna https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/swaragini/4491212/despatches-series-part-3-os-letter-from-sanskaar-to-annapurna
Dear Dad
I almost didn't write to you; after having written to Lucky, Mom and Maa, I was just going to write to Bade Papa and Swara, before I took off for a while but then I realised how wrong that would be. For then, I would be compounding the unfairness you face from everyone- that of overlooking you almost entirely.
People think you are so weak, you have no real identity of your own, which I guess you cannot blame them for. Why, even I was guilty of having firmly having relegated you to that category for years. Growing up, I resented you. I am sorry to put it so bluntly but you have weathered worse and I sense that you already know this. I say sense, as we don't really talk about our feelings, do we? Our entire family is strange in that way, or maybe deliberately obtuse is the word. We like to gloss over things, the women are the worst culprits for this but we are no better. The business and other matters we deem "manly" are within out comfort zones and we seldom like to venture out. Well, this is my rebellion again from all of that, and I know you will understand.
I used to wish Bade Papa was my father. Oh, I know that is cruel and I don't mean to wound you. It isn't because I don't love you and Mom. It is because I saw what being in the exalted half of the family meant. You only have to see how skewed the input to output ratio for Adarsh and Lucky is, in the grace bestowed on them despite their efforts or lack of really, in almost all departments. They are the scions of Durga Prasad and Annapurna Maheshwari, two names that are almost legend in their own unique ways in our community. Their parents deeds shine so bright, the sons can bask in that reflected glory very comfortably and never fear being found to be judged inadequate.
That challenge is reserved for Sanskaar Maheshwari- the son of an entirely unremarkable father and a silly mother. Sorry Dad- but you do know that this is what everyone thinks about our immediate family unit. But they won't anymore, I have seen to that. I know you will never thank me for this as the most contrary thing about all of this is that even if you want to, you will never be able to pat my back for having shaken the very complacent foundations the Maheshwari clan has come to stand on over the past few decades. However, I don't particularly care. I did what I did, and like all my decisions, whether right or wrong, I own it. Karma and Company was born in direct challenge to Durga Prasad and Sons, born out of a mistaken and misguided need for revenge yes, and directly attributable to what happened to Kavita, but I do see that the seeds were sown way before Kavita.
As I said, I always wanted to be Bade Papa and Maa's son. I felt I belonged more with them in that sense. I felt a deep and irreconcilable filial bond with you and Mom; blood does call you I suppose. However, the burning ambition and quest for leadership that runs deep in my veins, felt the magnetic pull of my Uncle and Aunt. They feel it too- both in their own ways, but we are birds of a feather. It is just that they can also not ignore the call of their blood, just as I cannot disregard mine. I detested that no one pays you or Mom any attention. In Mom's case, I can reconcile myself. She seeks power but it is of a petty kind- the sort that would see her gain more social prominence in a superficial society- nothing worthy of my time or energy. But you Dad- that really rankled. You see, I always sensed somehow that you were capable of so much more, you could have outshone Bade Papa if you had wanted to, but you threw in the towel long ago and never had any desire to ever re-enter the ring to fight again. I don't blame you- the stuffing was knocked out of you during the momentous events so long ago, but I do wish it had been different and you had donned those gloves again. So the little boy who used to sit on your lap, looking over the accounts you pored over, and asked what you thought were surprising questions for his age, started growing and dreaming big dreams as he did. Those castles he built in the air though, somehow could never imagine you and Mom as its emperor and empress- no, those roles were taken and you know whom by. After all, you were crucial in those coronations yourself weren't you?
Therefore, for years I strove hard. I instinctively felt that if I emerged brilliant at everything, worked harder than everyone else, and became the perfect student, son, nephew, cousin, overall a credit to the name Maheshwari, it would elevate us (you, Mom and myself) to the status of Bade Papa, Maa and their children. Oh, it wasn't an overt desire to compete with anyone, merely a deep seated urge I couldn't even understand myself. To be honest, the way our family is structured made it easier to do all this in a way that didn't pull our family apart. We were all taught from childhood to think of us as one family- calling your uncle and aunt Bade Papa and Maa should say it all so I won't elaborate further. Anyway, I think I achieved the goals I set myself academically and later business-wise. I know you were proud when I was outshining everyone and becoming an almost natural successor to Bade Papa in DP & Sons, rather than Adarsh Bhaiya filling his dad's shoes. Again, you never showed this and in fact I remember numerous occasions when you actively held me back, asking me to learn caution from Adarsh Bhaiya! Ah, the irony!
Anyway, we know how all that ended with a twist of providence. Proof if it was ever needed, that history often repeats itself and you must have felt the cruelty of the fate that befell your son then. How could your lifetime's repentance not have prevented this from happening? You see Dad, I know what happened all those years ago. I know why you are the way you are today. The Ram we see today is a pale imitation of who he was, a mass of self imposed limitations that he has cloaked himself in, slowly and gradually sacrificing himself to a demanding and illustrious family but staying firmly in the wings. Please don't bother asking how I know. My methods of finding things out when I did were not entirely ethical and no-one else knows that I know. However, please take comfort that knowing has now helped me- it helps me now understand and accept.
I hope it will, in its own way, make you feel some relief that I know how it all came to this for you Dad. Out of everyone, you should see how I can relate to the wild young man who went off the rails, just as his son did so many years later. No one might even believe me if I told them that my staid and silent father, whose voice we literally hardly ever hear, was one of the most promising young men of his time. The Ram Prasad who now takes every cue from his elder brother, once had big ambitions, and the brilliance to achieve them. He was all set to take their family business to a new and successful era. However, he had a streak of wildness in him mixed in with the genius and that led him unfortunately astray. I cannot really say I know exactly how or why you succumbed to weakness but perhaps it was the strictness of your upbringing and Dada Sa's control, mixed in with Bade Papa's exacting standards. Or maybe you had some friends who led you astray- I am not sure. However, drinking led to gambling and all the rest that comes with those activities. You slipped into debauchery, which was bad enough, but then you committed the cardinal sin for a Maheshwari- you took a risky gamble through a business transaction without telling anyone, that almost bankrupted the whole family. It certainly ended up causing a loss in those days that was almost crippling. Had it not been for Bade Papa we would have sunk then.
However, your loss was to be much more immense than any that money can cause. It apparently cost Dada Sa his life and us Maheshwari men can really wound if we choose to, so with his dying breath, he made sure to lay the blame firmly at your door. I can imagine how devastated you were, I have had a taste of true repentance and it tips you into purgatory, so I know you travelled that road. Of course, what this tragedy did was instantly make you abandon your flirtation with that lifestyle that was never quite your world anyway. You were shunned by your own mother and the rest of the family, there was much drama and the general consensus was that the rotten apple should be cast out immediately. No one though had reckoned on Durga Prasad and his then newly married wife. They both intervened and showed such immense solidarity and support for their brother and brother in law that it would have ashamed any parent. Bade Papa and Maa ensured that you were not only forgiven, but they then exerted all their influence over the years to entirely wipe out any vestiges of the memory of your fall from grace.
The effort wasn't all theirs though. To reclaim all that was lost, you had to of course sacrifice too. And you did it in the way that you felt would be the most fitting punishment for you. You abandoned all your hopes and dreams of being a shining star. You subjugated your entire personality to transform yourself to a mere shadow of your elder brother, and pledged unquestioning loyalty and love to him and his wife. Ram became Laxman and a new Ram was born, only his name was Durga Prasad. You used all your considerable skills to exalt the business that you brought to its knees, but you did it in a way that never brought you to any prominence. You banished yourself to the back office and never then tried to do any of the front facing work required to build an empire. That very much became Bade Papa's forte. You also accepted the match he made for you. Mom, with her excellent family connections, would have helped rebuild the shattered ship so you had to nail yourself to the mast. I know you were not in love with Mom. You have come to love her in a fashion, but I know that the younger you yearned for the sort of love that is all consuming and all absorbing- the love I have for Swara for instance. You actually feel the power of my love more than Mom does. For that reason, you would never suggest divorce to me as a happy compromise like she does. In fact you never truly opposed Swara especially when you saw my total absorption with her (but of course you never also indicated any support either). However, your marriage was necessary so you accepted the woman you still deep down feel no real connect with, you even came to give her genuine affection and acceptance over the years. For their part, Bade Papa and Maa were more than gracious. They have never taunted you or tried to make you feel inadequate. They even tried in the early days to try to push you to the forefront but you wouldn't have any of it. All in all, the Ram Prasad Maheshwari we all see today, is the one you have moulded yourself forcibly into. The efforts of that much suppression could not but help result in a man ruled by ennui. You stopped caring as it was the only self defence mechanism available to you for being able to live in the way you dictated you had to.
Thus, here we are. You hardly voice an opinion and certainly never one that is contrary to Bade Papa's and even Maa's. You never pushed your son to the forefront, in fact you tried to clip my wings often enough, perhaps fearing that if I outshone Adarsh or Lakshya, it would hurt Bade Papa and Maa. That used to hurt before I understood why. I just got used to my Dad being an insubstantial influence in our family unit, and never expected him to defend, promote or even protect me. Yet you made an exception to this and to me, this was true testament of your love for me. We both know that it was only your intervention that allowed me to be re-admitted to the fold after my truth came out those months ago. You used your lifetime of goodwill built up with Bade Papa and played your saved "get out of jail free card" to save me. Of course, Bade Papa could not refuse. Maybe be even tacitly accepted to himself then that his extreme anger and disappointment with me stemmed also in part from his surpassed reactions to you from all those years ago. I don't blame him- he must have thought "like father like son", and it must have hurt him, as I know that he secretly had way more expectations from me than from his own offspring. I think Bade Papa always saw where I got my innate talents from and perhaps he hoped that I would achieve all that you had been capable of, just as you secretly did. Viewed that way, the reaction was justifiable when I too used my talents in the wrong way.
Be all that as it may. Dad- do you think it's time to let go now? You have paid your dues- really you have. I know I am a good one to talk, given the lengths I have gone to to make recompense to Swara but in my case, I am overpowered by love for her. You are bound by the remnants of guilt, fear and a shattered confidence that was never allowed to repair or recover. However, if you cannot find it in yourself to forgive, please do it for me and Mom. Mom does deserve that after all these years. Who knows- it may free her from her endless kitchen battles she uselessly fights to get recognised. And as for me- need I even state how things could have been different?
Somehow, this has all taken a route I never could have imagined it would when I started writing, but maybe the years of supposed communication needed to be voiced. I will not ask you to take my side as it is too late for that, and knowing what I do, how can I ask you to go against Bade Papa and Maa? Even if they should ask something of me in the future that would be akin to death for me, I won't ask you to stop the order of execution, as I don't feel you could withstand that pressure. Therefore, for now, I will take myself away in an effort to hopefully avoid a further disaster. Please look after Mom in my absence and once again Dad, please - stop being so hard on yourself and don't feel that you can never say anything, even if you want to.
Your son in more ways than anyone knows,
Sanskaar
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