Despatches Series Part 3-OS - Letter from Sanskaar to Annapurna

I have already written to Lucky and Mom but for the first time since starting to write these letters, I feel that this one will be read and understood if it comes to that, even if not acknowledged in any overt way.

I don't need to give you a long explanation of why I am writing letters. We know it is not like me, but if you do read this, you will know why I wrote, as I will at that point, not be reachable by any of you. Oh don't panic- I won't be doing anything drastic. I simply need space and time away from all of you.

I held back a lot when writing to Mom. We both know her limited capacity to absorb deep and meaningful and the tendency to brush off that which is inconvenient. You too have that latter tendency; I think it must be a mechanism the Maheshwari women have developed perhaps to survive in the odd bubble we operate in. I see Parineeta Bhabha too was following in those footsteps, until somewhat jolted recently by a certain someone I don't want to talk about much here. You know who I mean. In any event, your inclination to ignore or rather "un-see" is vastly different from Mom's. Mom's is born of a preoccupation with a limited range of that which matters to her, an innate self absorption with herself and me, it doesn't extend to anyone else really, not even Dad. For you, it is a lot more complex. You see it all, but you have learnt that the hand of steel must be cloaked in velvet as otherwise, it would be impossible for it to carry out the tasks it deems necessary.

I use the word steel in this context very deliberately. People would mock at this idea- you, who are so soft and feminine, every ounce of you cultured and refined- the very epitome of a regal but subservient and compliant Marwari matriarch subservient to the man of the house- how can you be "steely"? But we both know that this is merely a practised disguise you wear to perfection. Underneath that apparent meekness and obedience and restraint, is the spirit of a true "Rajputani".

When I was a child you told me lots of fascinating stories. I didn't realise at the time but they mostly centred around empires and kings and great sacrifices. Your favourite was the one about Maharana Udai Singh of Chittor and of how he managed to escape the sacking of his city because his nurse, Panna Dhai, sacrificed her own son Chandan to be killed instead of the prince, thus enabling a kingdom to be reclaimed in the future. It was years later that I understood that you subconsciously aspired to be Panna- she understood her duty and did it without balking at whatever sacrifice was demanded of her. You are a "king maker", and like all those of that ilk, you HAVE to give the impression of being less powerful than you are and can be.

However Maa, I don't really see you fully as Panna Dhai. I will tell you why below. No- you are more Jodha Bai to me (or Heer Kumari or Mariam-uz-Zamani, whatever she was called). I know you would scoff at that as she was a princess and your roots allow you to identify more with the Pannas of this world despite the way you play Queen now, but I am not talking literally here Maa. You are Jodha to Bade Papa's Akbar in the Maheshwari empire. I also know that scholars disagree about Jodha's importance to Akbar and certainly to his son. However, history is a retelling from a certain perspective and often that by the victors so I chose to believe in the Jodha who, like you, did great things, but was lost in the annals of retelling for various reasons, mainly social, political or religious. Only those who really care to look beyond the obvious, knew the real power Jodha (could have) wielded, in an age and culture not kind to women. I didn't call you a "king maker" without reason.

You should have been born a man but you were not and hence you are forced to reassign the balance of power in the way you do- subtly and with immense grace and perhaps subterfuge. The latter I have only just come to acknowledge even to myself. A while ago Mom apologised to me that she did not defend me during the Kavita saga and I told her that I knew the women in our house had no power and couldn't really do anything even if they wanted to. But that is not true, is it? When I look back I see countless instances of where the opposite was the case. Without delving too much in the past, you after all got your way when you wanted me re-installed in the house. It didn't matter that our very own Shahenshah Akbar wanted Salim to stay banished for the crime of falling in love with an unsuitable girl, the Queen mother got her way and the prodigal son was back. Also, I know that when I brought Swara home as my wife, you overrode Mom and despite your own feelings, gave her the respect a "bahu" deserved, irrespective of the circumstances. And this Salim is eternally grateful for that, and a thousand other affections bestowed on him over the years.

You see Maa, biology and bonds in our family are totally scrambled. I am not the child of your womb, just as Lucky is not my Mom's. However, in one of life's little ironies, God clearly mixed this up. You and I both know that I am actually the son you deserve. I know you crave not for a Salim, but a later Badshaah Jahangir, and I say this without the slightest degree of conceit- but that son is not Lucky and certainly not Adarsh Bhaiya. No- only yours truly has your mettle and can fulfil that role. Oh I know Bade Papa is a great man in his own right. He has built an empire but again, we both know that within him runs a streak of idealism that is totally unsuited to today's world. I know you will hate to hear this, but his "soul child" is actually Swara- just as I am yours!

The tragedy of all of the above is that whilst I wholeheartedly love you as though you were my "real" Maa, I do know that despite everything, for you the bonds of flesh and blood often triumph over your deep down connection with me. I know you can handle the truth despite the appearance you give of being fragile and soft. As I said above, I held back from saying a lot to Mom, but you and I don't need to pretend. I know you always ask more of me than you do of Lakshya. When the seemingly endless drama was going on with Ragini and Swara, it was myself and Swara that you asked to leave, not Lucky, despite any actual evidence at that time that we were really at fault. Similarly, Ragini was allowed leeway beyond that which was sensible, all doubts about her were quashed and there was an unseemly desire to want to believe her at every point, even when there could be a opposite explanation. This was not as much about Ragini as about her being Lucky's wife, and thus enjoying the same exalted position he always has.

Don't think I resent you for your innate favouritism of Lucky in particular Maa. I know why I am given more to bear- because I can! We are in that sense kindred spirits- we don't need others to acknowledge us and give us special treatment. We know our own worth deep down and we also know that we are survivors, I just tend to be lot more direct and perhaps brutal in my approach than you. Essentially though, we both know what must be done and we will do it. I know that you get that about me, just as I do about you. When I swore in the temple the other day, the tears in your eyes and the exact words you used, clearly told me that you knew I was lying. That is why you promised me retribution if I was. I also know, that no matter what excuses Mom made on my behalf yesterday, you will collect this debt at the time that suits you best. You also know that I will pay my due, no matter what it costs. I am sure I can predict what form of recompense will be demanded, judging my Lucky's recent behaviour, but that is for another day. My tragedy is that you want Lucky to be your Jahangir, not me, and you will not stop trying, despite knowing the futility of these attempts.

When I go away, I know you will miss me hugely as a part of you will be gone, just as it was when I left last time. At the same time, the other part of you that is Lucky's mother, will be relieved. You know that for Lucky to be happy and to get what he wants yet again, I need to be removed from the picture. I haven't said the obvious to you, as you already know how I feel about Swara, but of course we never talk about it- we don't really need to. That is why I may need to clear the way for Lucky and you will ask it of me; with pain and tears but ask you will. You won't take any pleasure in this- that is too crass for a character as refined as yours, it is merely necessary. The reason I said above that I don't see you fully as Panna Dhai is because whilst you have the mettle to do whatever is necessary, you would still hold back from the final sacrifice if that was demanded in the form of your son Lakshya. However, should the blood that must be split was say, mine, your hand would drive that knife in deep, even if it will sever an artery within yourself at the same time. It is just the way it is.

Maa, I don't really need to tell you this in conclusion. But I want to anyway- I forgive you. I know that you could have stopped Bade Papa yesterday when he spoke about mine and Swara's divorce but we both know that you won't interfere this time as doing so will not serve Lucky. I know you don't need this forgiveness but the mother in you that loves me and wishes she could love me as much as her "real" son(s) probably does crave this reassurance. It is not a sign of weakness in you, never that, but its a gift from me, freely given to the woman I wish could have been my mother instead of Lucky's. I can say this confident in the knowledge that no one else, not Bade Papa, not Lucky and certainly not my Mom, will ever learn of this letter, should you get it. No, like with a lot of other things, it will be relegated to something you knew, felt, absorbed and dealt with, but never ever showed openly.

The son you should have had,

Sanskaar