Posted:
Hello all,
DO NOT COPY THIS POST AS THIS IS EXCLUSIVE TO INDIA FORUMS
Bet your sick one me and my letters by now?! 😉 Anyway, this one is from Sanskaar to his Bade Papa, i.e. DP. At the time of writing, I know that in tomorrow's episode DP will be pushing for SwaSan's marriage to be given a chance but Sanskaar doesn't know that whilst writing this letter. So what you read should be weighed in the context that Sanskaar is airing his grievances to all in his family and thinks that DP too agreed for the divorce. Therefore, hope it doesn't seem strange when you read if he talks about the potential divorce in a certain way.
So, here we go- really hope it's ok!
Links to previous Despatches:
Letter from Sanskaar to Lakshya https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/swaragini/4490375/despatches-series-part-1-os-letter-from-sanskaar-to-lakshya
Letter from Sanskaar to Sujata https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/swaragini/4490918/despatches-series-part-2-os-letter-from-sanskaar-to-sujata
Letter from Sanskaar to Annapurna https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/swaragini/4491212/despatches-series-part-3-os-letter-from-sanskaar-to-annapurna
Letter from Sanskaar to Ram Prasad https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/swaragini/4492391/despatches-series-part-4-os-letter-from-sanskaar-to-ram-prasad
Pranam Bade Papa
You will not be happy with me when you get this but then, we should both be used to that by now I guess. Gone are the days between us when I always sensed approval glinting behind the inscrutable mask you wear for the world. When we were children, without any sign of overt affection from you, I always felt your love and genuine affection. I can never really remember a time when you didn't inspire something akin to awe in me- it is the sheer force of your personality; it strikes everyone as soon as they come in your presence. When I started growing and taking the reins in the business and doing well, I always felt how much pride you took in that, without you ever having said as much to me. I could just tell. That was the reason that the slightest word of approbation from you amounted to much more than paeans of praise from others.
By the same token, your displeasure was a rebuke that struck with poisonous accuracy. You don't really raise your voice ever. Yet, shouting would be preferable to those on the receiving end of one of your famous rebukes, myself included. I always used to think about you that you had this incredible way of even insulting someone with utmost respect- the overall impact of it was something that left the recipient reeling and shaken. Perversely, I am still smarting from all that you have never said to me, rather than that which you have. Clear chastisement would have been a thousandfold preferable, but instead you just express your disappointment- something so much harder to deal with. It is of course a very effective strategy, but I wouldn't expect any less from you.
I know you are wondering where I am going with this. You were never much given to undisguised expressionism, a trait which makes most people never realise the sensitivity and even sentimentality you are actually capable of. You may scoff at this, but we both know that my assessment of you is not wrong. You are a man of staggering contrasts. You can be both brutal and incredibly kind at the same time, you can strike down with one hand, but at the same time, extend the other to lift up. After all, who can know this better than myself, given our chequered history?
Yes, you did strike me down those years ago. Oh, I know I was hugely mistaken and in fact deluded, in thinking you would have actually ordered Kavita killed. You may be many things, but a cold blooded and cowardly killer who would order a hit on a young innocent, is so far from your essence that I can't believe I was stupid enough to ever think that. In my defence, whilst I came back to you all acting mad, I was gripped by a mental affliction, and that did genuinely affect the ability to reason much in those years. However, that aside, it was you who set into motion that chain of catastrophic events- or actually perhaps I set them into motion, but you were the catalyst that caused the disastrous explosion. What was my crime Bade Papa? That I fell in love with what you all deemed to be an unsuitable candidate for the upper echelons of society- the lofty Maheshwari clan? You of all people Bade Papa? You, who married Maa, who may be as Marwari as they come, but was the neglected and impoverished poor cousin of the girl your mother actually wanted you to marry? Did your own mother not raise the objection originally to the match, but you overrode that as you had clearly seen Maa and fallen in love? Not that you would ever admit to that overpowering desire you had to make her your wife, instead of the other far more "suitable" one chosen for you, as love. Love is not for the great Durga Prasad Maheshwari after all. Oh no, the catch words are duty, honour, respect and pride.
But all of this is a carefully constructed lie- like the many others our family facade rests on. Oh yes, we all have our skeletons in our closets. Whilst yours are hardly so scandalous, as of course, you and Maa managed the changed wedding plans with finesse on her part, and characteristic iron will on yours - they do lurk about. I understand that Kavita was Bengali and that compounded all her other unsuitabilities of social class and family connections and whatever else you ruled against. I also know that you were at the peak of your social strata then, the Chairman of our ridiculous community, where everything other than those qualities that most matter, are judged. Yet, I expected you to show some understanding of how I felt! I was young and in love, you forbade me in your most autocratic manner- you who know how similar we are, in that we would never back down at the first sign of resistance. What did you think would happen?
Oh, I cannot expect you to have ever envisaged I would go as far as I did, but surely someone of your immensely superior perception should have foreseen some calamity? Instead, I went off the rails, which I take total responsibility for, but instead of clawing me back from the cliff edge, you gave me that final push that sent me off that dangerous precipice. I have long suspected that you knew I wasn't mad when I came back. If I am right, and I am sure I am, you could have stopped my madness (pun intended) a long time ago. Instead, you watched with simmering anger and glinting disapproval, leaving me to dig myself in deeper. Had you not reacted the way you originally did and later ignored, entirely washing your hands off me in a move that would have made Pontius Pilate proud, I may have been reclaimed before it got to where it did.
Be that as it may, what I found even more offensive and unbearable was your changed stance when it came to your own son a few years later. I know one of the most hurtful things about this letter to you will be my use of the word "own" to differentiate Lucky and myself. But can you blame me Bade Papa? Since childhood, have you not always applied the most stringent standards to me, rather than to Lakshya or Adarsh Bhaiya? I could accept this, as I can sense that you want better from me, as you know I will deliver it more than the other two, and you also sense the same implacability of resolve in me that defines you. What really rankled was that this expectation was not tempered by the reverse- i.e. the understanding that should come for such a child in their difficult times was generally lacking, or rather, came up wanting. Just as you wanted me to be the shining star, when clouds obscured the brightness, you never shone the torch to dispel that gloom. No- you left me alone in my dark to find my own way. But I was lost Bade Papa, I needed you- not my Dad or my Mom, or even Maa in that time, but you- and you never came looking for me!
I know it sounds unfair to blame you for my mistakes and I am not doing that. I bear the scars of that battle proudly, as I fought it and have now emerged a stronger soldier for the right cause finally. My grievance lies in the fact that I had always looked up to you as the father that would come through for me, as I know that my Dad abandoned that role to you a long time ago, even for himself, let alone me. Yet, when it came to it, just like Maa- the call of your own blood was stronger. Why else are umpteen exceptions made for Lucky, why is he let off the hook so easily and why am I always asked to face punishments that should at least be jointly shared, if not laid entirely on one or the other? Why was Lucky allowed to love and even marry a Bengali girl? Why did Lucky and Ragini not get the order to leave the house after Ragini's drama at Janmashtami despite real proof that I or Swara had done something? Why did that totally unjustified slap strike me when Lucky's psychotic wife threw out an allegation you should have know was impossible for me to be responsible for? Basically, what I am trying to say is that my idol had clay feet and I resent that. For you see, Bade Papa, just as you have expected so much of me all my life, I have done the same of you!
Finally (and I will stop soon, never fear), I felt as though I was getting over it all in my pragmatic fashion, helped along by Swara constantly advocating forgiveness and understanding, both of which I only like in moderation, but were strangely compelling to give in to for your sake, and you lashed at me again. On this one, you will be totally oblivious, just like everyone else is. I am talking about the latest idea you have all concocted, as usual without any real engagement with my feelings, to get me and Swara divorced. Oh, I don't want to stay in a forced relationship with Swara. Contrary right? So you would ask, if I don't want to divorce her and don't want to keep her chained, what do I want? You see, it is not about the outcome, but the path you all take to come to that destination. My own mother instigated this latest attack upon my soul but that you, of all people, gave in to it so readily, hurts me the most.
I know you love, not like, love, Swara. She crept under your defences long ago. Her brand of idealism is so your own, you just temper yours with experience and conceal it with impassivity. She is to all intents and purposes the daughter you yearned for, the one you cannot see in Parineeta Bhabhi as she lacks the corresponding spirit to beguile you. That is why you wanted her to be Lucky's wife and I also always felt that you were therefore so quick to accept her as mine, even when no one else wanted to. Yet now, when she is entirely restored to glory, you are willing for her to be parted from me, without putting up more than a token resistance? Forgive my cynicism Bade Papa, but would this perhaps have something to do with Lucky's intentions to reclaim her, whether he has expressed them to you or not? Again, what does it matter that she has been my benediction, become my reason for living and the thought of an existence without her is akin to the worst hell anyone could devise for me. None of this would matter should Lucky be required, yet again, to be made happy, and the stage set for that. I get it.
Anyway, I better stop now as I fear I have said way too much and a lot of it I will probably regret in the cold light of day. But as I sit here in the dead of a night, contemplating my future, and seeking to flee you all again, the outpouring cannot be stopped. I am afraid you will have to forgive me again when you can.
Your errant son,
Sanskaar
PS: As I wrote this, it seemed to take a life of its own. It is emotional but I couldn't really help that. It seems fitting in some way though as if DP did read it somehow, that could so easily lead to a discussion the next day where he advocates that SwaSan are given a chance?! 😉
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