Arranged Marriage - experience, advice, tips, etc

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Krani

@Krani

Dazzler

+ 9

Posted: 8 years ago

Hello,

I've posted this question in another forum on IF, but that doesn't seem to be as active on this one. And I thought that maybe this topic could turn into a debate depending on people's view of arranged marriage, I suppose. SO I thought of posting this question here too.

Apologies in advance if I am breaking some forum rules, or if this isn't a "debatable topic" but this is my dilemma:

Like many girls around my age, my parents have started looking for guys for me to marry. This is purely a consensual decision - they sat down and discussed with me before going ahead with finding guys for me, and I am aware of any potential guys they like for me.

But, this whole process is still very confusing. What am I supposed to look for in a person when I meet them, is it okay if the other guy thinks I am great, but I don't get those feelings for him? How do I know I am not settling? Or should I settle?

I guess...I don't have someone that I can go to and be like, tell me what your experience has been. I could ask my mom, but I feel like in a lot of ways times have changed, and at that time the idea of arranged marriage was the norm - whereas nowadays it's not.

I guess, I just want to know what people's experiences have been, how confusing was it? Is it normal to feel overwhelmed? And HOW do you know when you have found the person.

And I suppose just to make this topic more debate-worthy, what are people's views on arranged marriage?

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Frequent Posters

.Goofball.

@.Goofball.

Beginner

Posted: 8 years ago

Hi,

First of all best of luck for this step in your life. I hope you find someone really good.

Now coming to the topic, I can only say what I think are good qualities but obviously each person is different. In my pov the most important thing is theasy guy's nature and attitude. If he is not good looking or is fat etc that's pointless in long run. Life is a long time, he can loose the good looks, gain weight etc. However, the basic compatibility should be there which means that you are not repulsed by his appearance or either you or him don't match in looks. If one party is too beautiful, sometime negative feelings develop in other party because of other people comments or inner insecurities.

Next step is his family, they should be nice, good repute people even if you don't have to live with them. Ask around to see what people are saying. Try to take at least 3-4 people opinion.

After that see if guy is working or not. As long he is hard working even at a less salary he won't let you sleep empty tummy but if he is lazy person who lives off his parents even if they are rich than in future that may cause issues.

Religion,cast, education those are all personal matters which you and your family can decide according to your personal view.

Don't give too much dowry because that sets a precedent. In fact no dowry is best but that's not in our culture.

Last one , make sure to do engagement first and keep it for at least an year.this will give you all time to know him and his family better. Usually if there is something wrong it comes out in light.

These are some steps to be sure but remember marriage is a bet, one can never know. Be armed with patience,understanding and love for living a happy marriage. Compromises will need to be made and you may have to do it more in beginning but once you have settled in than things will work your way.

However don't stay in a relationship if he hits you or beat's you or if he has any bad habits because humans never change unless they want to change their own self. Never ever think that you can make him change or ''sudhar jaya ga'' of others. Don't expect filmy romance, romance yourself. Buy things, do things to keep yourself happy. Don't have expectations. This way if he does something you will be really happy but if he has serious nature than you won't be disappointed. Tell him you what you like in him repeatedly. Every human want to hear good things and then occasionally in private tell him if you don't like anything about him.same goes for engagement period. Don't involve other people in your personal relation. Keep it private.

I can keep on writing for ages and it will bore you to death. So ending it here.

Bye

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Bazinga.

@Bazinga.

Explorer

Posted: 8 years ago

Hey..
I read ur post, nd cant believe this is the exact phase I am going through..
My parents have started looking for a suitable match for me with my consent, since then I haven't had a day with no anxiety.. my mind is on an overthinking drive..
Whom should I say yes to, what if I say yes and then regret later, its difficult to back out once the families are involved... People say looks don't matter, but in case of arranged marriage all you get is a photo to look at with some basic details based on which u proceed further.. so all you can do is judge the person based on that.. The entire process is so overwhelming.. it becomes more difficult when all your friends are already committed and u have no one to discuss these things.. U cant share ur feelings with your parents.. its usually the same advice which they give.. adjust now and u'll be happy later 😕

Arranged marriage really is a gamble.. no matter how hard you scrutinize everything to pick up the right partner, u have to settle.. u have to try and develop feelings for that other person.. it wont be as natural as Love marriage is what I feel..
U go into a complete unchartered territory.. u don't know your life partner or his family, still u have to live in that house.. at least in love marriage you know ur partner beforehand.
So what I am trying to do as of now is not rushing into anything... If I meet some guy and find him compatible in first meeting.. then I'll keep in touch and try to know him as much as possible no matter how long it takes before finalizing anything.
Although age factor is there, time goes by and you feel like rushing, but still this is what I plan to follow.. will all my nerves and anxieties.. :\

So you have a plan yet?

Edited by Bazinga. - 8 years ago

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IamSwapnali

@IamSwapnali

Inactive

Posted: 8 years ago

First of all, let me start by saying that this whole process is indeed overwhelming. I am married for a few years now and have two kids, but if I think about that phase of my life, I still find it overwhelming.

It's a good thing that your parents are looking for a groom with your consent. In my case, I came from a quite orthodox community. My parents were a bit progressive, but to be able to find a good guy & family in our community, they had to go with the flow. So as soon as I graduated they started looking for the guys. I somewhat tried to postpone the whole thing, but not for too long.

I do not want to write too long, but honestly I said "yes" to a guy (who is now my husband) because there was nothing to say "no".

Looks didn't matter to me, we have considerable height difference. But apart from that there wasn't much to say no.

It did not mean that "we clicked in the first meeting", or we realize we like each other right away etc. Our relationship slowly progressed from engagement to marriage as we talked on phone (we met just once or twice between that). Like every couple we have had our shares of love, fights, arguments, tensions.

But I have realized that life is about adjustments. When we adjust with so many people at work, why not at home? Love marriage or arranged marriage, everyone needs to adjust and find a middle ground. I have seen many successful marriages and recently I have seen a few divorces - surprisingly most of those were love marriages. I don't want to generalize, but just want to say that if people take themselves lightly, they will be much more happy.

Of course, if someone is being nasty to you unnecessarily, you need to give it back to them before it's too late.

Hope I haven't overwhelmed you more with my post :)

Good luck :)

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sudesh kumar

@qwertyesque

Rocker

Posted: 8 years ago

Arranged marriage!!? run away as far as you can... Its a scam. Find a boy friend. If you cant. take time... but dont go down the slippery slope thats arranged marriage.. but you can play the russian roullette on every time you get show cased 😊 not to scare or deject you but it is the truth.. Compromise and being miserable will be your only choices...

Btw your name is an anagram for Karni... take inspiration from them while opposing 😆

Edited by qwertyesque - 8 years ago