Pink's Scrapbook|Anecdotes#106&107|PG:146 - Page 85

-Broken Mirror-

"One of the most important things we adults can do for young children is to model the kind of person we would like them to be." -Carol B Hillman.

The salty transparent liquid rolled down my face as I read the black and white font written infront of me for the umpteenth time. I just couldn't understand why these words were affecting me so much. I mean I had never been so moved by something that someone said that it would lead me to becoming emotional. What was so powerful about this quote? What was it trying to tell me? Why was my heart telling me to keep reading it? Why was my subconscious mind telling me that I was making a mistake? Why did I feel a sense of guilt overshadow me? What had I done that made me somewhere deep down feel as if I had failed? Had I? Had I failed? Had I failed as an adult? Had I failed to see the consequences of my decisions? Had I failed as a parent? Yes. Yes I had. I had turned a blind eye to the way I projected myself in front of others. I had enveloped myself deep into my own story that I had forgotten that young eyes were watching me. I had forgotten what it meant to be a good roll model. I had failed to see the pain in my children's eyes that I had unknowingly caused. I had forgotten that my every spoken word and action affected the way my children saw me. I had failed to realize that somewhere down the line I had became the kind of person I had promised myself I would never be. I had failed to stop myself from becoming the way my parents were with me. I had failed to heal my own pain that I had harbored inside me. I had failed to control that pain and anger only to lash out at my own children. I had failed to hear the screams and cries of my children as the watched the devil evoke inside of me. I had failed to see their scared faces as I yelled and screamed at them for no fault of their own. I failed to see the poison that I had spewed inside of them about the world as I lay on the floor intoxicated. I had failed to see the desperation in their eyes for me to change. I had failed to see how I had turned to deaf ears every time they tired to wake me up. I had failed to see that they were only trying to save me and I had shunned them away. I shut my eyes as I felt another tear try to escape me. Reality had finally knocked the wall that I had built around me down. I finally understood why I had been made to read this quote. It was god's way of opening my eyes. It was god's way of showing me the bigger picture that was in front of me. It was god's way of showing me that I had finally reached rock bottom. It was god's way of telling me that it was now or never. If I wanted my life back then I had to change now. If I wanted my children back then I would have to own up for my mistakes. I would have to take responsibility for my actions. I would have to deal with my story once and for all. No more excuses. I knew what I had to do and I would do it. I would do it for them. It was time to put this broken mirror back together.

-Lights Out.-

They say that there is light at the end of every tunnel. That the sun will come out tomorrow. That at the end of every rainbow there is a pot of gold. Then why was I left in the dark. Why did I have to be the one who would never be able to see any of that? Why! Why did I have to forget to pay my electric bill.