MG-SS - Kaare Badra - Last Part - Page 77 - June 27 - Page 37

Originally posted by: sdlife19

How could Maan just keep everything the same.. but probably tat was his love was like.. he did not even try to clean anything tat belonged to his geet...

every little thing proved his pain and fear he had been going through.. the pain of not having his love with him...

and still he lives with tat pain and fear trying to move on but with each step its just increasing but is it right for geet to blame herself.. coz she herself had suffered but right when she knows wat maan is going through she cant eeven assure him tat everything is fine.. everything will be good with them together

I froze at my place sensing him standing behind me, just a few steps away. All my courage had already left me, leaving me to sulk in self - loathing. The only person, who meant the world to me, suffered so much, all because of me.

The glimpse of his pain and sufferings that I had got today, made me hate myself even more. And with that resurfaced the pain and insecurities that he tried to hide this morning. Even after we are together his miseries seems never ending, infact it seems they had grown ten folds. The realization broke me from inside with each passing moment.

The unsettling ache in my soul wished the earth to consume me, may be then I would be able to feel a tiny bit of what he had been going through.

This man standing right behind me, loves me beyond words. His entire universe revolves around me. And I can give him nothing in return, not even a wink of peaceful sleep. He is my husband and I cannot even give him the rights he has over his wife.

I am incapable to perform the basic duties of a wife. He is the one who have always cocooned me in his embrace, shielding me from this cruel, mean world. And I, his good for nothing wife, cannot give any happiness, cannot offer even a moment of solace to his hurting soul.

~o~

He is the reason of each breath I take, it's his heartbeat that keeps my heart going and it's me... my pain... that kills him every second. A wave of rage ran through my body. A strong feeling of self - hatred slashed my soul.

In that moment I wanted to question my Babaji... Why did he bring me in Maan's life ?? What sin had Maan committed that he met me ?? Why did he made me a part of Maan's life ?? Oh... who am I kidding... not a part but I know ... I have become the sole reason for his existence...

And what better way will I get rather than asking each of these questions from him in person.

Determined to put an end to all these miseries I turned and walked passed him without meeting his gaze. I was too full of self - loathing to think of anything else right now. The pain in my heart was too much to bear. I ran down the stairs tripping a few times as the tears clouding my eyes were making it impossible for me look straight.

I could faintly hear Maan calling me panicing when I tripped but all my sanity have left me after witnessing his suffering or better say my deeds.

As I had already seen, everything here was kept as I had left, so it wasn't difficult for me to get what I wanted at this moment. Reaching the kitchen, I opened corner most drawer to take out a sharp large knife.

And without giving another thought, with whatever energy I had left with, I pressed it on my stomach to relieve me from this never - ending pain. But even that relief didn't come as Maan held my hand mid - air.

Geeet...

Leave me Maan... I wriggled to get my hand free from his hold. No way... anything can stop me today.

Geet... Kya baat hai ??? He's paniced and trying his best to take that knife out of my hand.

I could hear his pain but still my state of mind did not let me understand anything today. I am determined to free us from these sufferings today.

Leave me Maan... Please go away... I tried jerking his hand to free myself.

Jaan... Kya hua hai?? He is horrified but doesn't let go of me.

Chodiye mujhe... Please Maan ... Please... I begged

Jaan... Why are you doing this ? Oh... I hate myself to make him suffer

Please leave me... I can't take it any more... Please Maan... I wriggled and jerked his hand releasing my hand from his storng grip

But before I could make any further move, I felt a sharp sting on my cheek. And that broke my reverie. The knife slipped off my hands.

Jaaan...Maan rushed towards me the moment I fell on my knees crying n cursing myself for my inabilities. I hid my face behind my palms in order to hide those tears that showed my miserable state and will give him only pain.

In a fraction of second he was sitting next to me on his knees embracing me, giving me a place to hide and unlesh the dam that I had been suppressing. I wailed loudly letting go of the tears expecting the pain in my chest to be controllable, or may be at least a little bearable.

Nahi saha jaata Maan... I can't take it any more... it's suffocating me... I cried loudly, unable to bear this pain any further. It seemed as if my heart would explode any moment. Maan tighten his arms around me. I know he is trying every possible way to soothe me. But I could sense his pain and fear in the hug, making my condition even worse. And in the moment I wound my arms around him guiltily cursing myself to have hurt him yet again. The only thought course though by mind was ... Will I ever be able to give some happiness to this man...