Jokes - Page 89

THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE CLASSIC. ALWAYS REMEMBER NEVER ASK A QUESTION
UNLESS YOU KNOW THE ANSWER.

When Grandma Goes To Court Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi
grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do
know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and
frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on
your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him.'

The defence attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Thanks Vani. How about this?

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following epitaph engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old lady died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he was agonized over the dilemma.

But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"

The 11thHusband....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
SCREWED ."

Got this in an email forward:

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people.

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave"

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee for his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L . Administration dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: -

"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Husbund to friend: My wife is very demanding...she ask everyday for Rs 1000

Friend: Oh, but have u ever asked what she is doing with that money?

Husbund: oh , she only can answer , if i give her once!!

=========

Patient: Doctor! in my dream monkeys were playing football every night.

Doctor: Take this medicine from today's night.

Patient: Doctor can i take this medicine from tomorrow.

Doctor: why?

Patient:Because today is final match......

=========

Teacher : What happened in 1869 ?

Student : I dont Know ...

Teacher : Stupid . Gandhiji was born ... Now tel me , What happened in 1873 ?

Student : Gandhiji became 4 years old .........!

Yes, Kavi!! 👏 👏 Oh I missed this session for a long time.

to my lady friends,



we finally figured this one out!! Glad, now that's out of my system!!!


A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's

and shyly walked up to

the woman behind the counter and said,

"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "

" What type of bra?"

asked the clerk.


" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"


" Look around,"

said the saleslady,

as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color

and material imaginable.

!

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."

Relieved, the man asked

about the types.

The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic,

the Salvation Army,

the Presbyterian,

and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?"


Now totally befuddled,

the man asked about

the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded,

"It is all really quite simple. ...


The Catholic type

supports the masses;


The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and


The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used

to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why,

but couldn't figure out

what the letters stood for,

it is about time

you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen

and I can't get up!...


Send this to

all that will appreciate it!


They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a CAD monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be 5000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! 10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read 50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer."

👏 👏 welcome back caryn! 😆 😆

Nice ones Caryn. Now I know the bra sizes.