Jokes - Page 83

1. What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?

A Dry Martinez!

2. What's the capital of Afghanistan?

KABOOM!!

many of you may have read this...but it is still one of my favourites!!!
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

1.What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?

Gaelic breath.

2. Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency?

A: Question marks.

3. What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?

One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
( i can see usha, meli etc gunning for me.....escapeeeeeeeeeeee....

Jas good ones .... esp the English one...made me laugh so much!! 😆

gosh suram flying ran jet will be so comforting!!! 😆 😆 😆

A junior Software engineer, a senior Software engineer and their PM are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a
wonder lamp.They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says," Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".


So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."Pfufffff and he was gone.


Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."Pfufffff and he was also gone.


The PM calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 2.00pm"


Moral of the story is: Always allow the bosses to speak first!!!!!!!

A man was praying to god.


He said, "God ?"


God responded, "Yes?"


And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"




"Go right ahead", God said.


"God, what is a million years to you?"


God said, "A million years to me is only a second."


The man wondered.


Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"


God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."


So the man said, "God can I have a penny ?"


And God cheerfully said,


"Sure!.......just a second

Now , here are some classic English sentences.. 😉 It is all from a person (chairman of a college here).


# At the ground:
------------ -----

All of you stand in a straight circle.
There is no wind in the balloon.
The girl with the mirror please comes her....{Means: girl with specs please come here).


# To a boy , angrily:
------------ ---------
I talk , he talk , why you middle middle talk?


# While punishing students:
------------ --------- --
You , rotate the ground four times...
You , go and understand the tree...
You three of you stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)


# While addressing students about Dress Code: (he is very strict abt this )
------------ --------- --
Every body should wear dress to college
Boys no proplum
Girls are pig proplum . (pig=big)
Girls should wear only slawar no nitee.
Girls should not wear T sirt , U shirt , V shirt.. but if you want to wear ..... remove it when inside the campus and put it outside the campus




# Sir at his best:
------------ ---
Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance , he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre , though the boy did not see them.
So the next day at school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you
WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"



# Sir at his best inside the Class room:
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves - I will take the bigger half.
Shhh...Quiet , boys...the principal JUST PASSED AWAY in the corridor
You , meet me behind the class. (Meaning AFTER the class..)
This one is cool >> "Both of u three get out of the class."
Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today...
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
Take 5 cm wire of any length....


Last but not the least..

Once Sir had come late to a college function , by the time he reached , the function had begun , so he went to the dais , and said , sorry I am late , because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats).

Originally posted by: jasunap

many of you may have read this...but it is still one of my favourites!!!
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Excellent Jas!!!! I really really enjoyed reading it. 😆