Jokes - Page 80

Personality Definitions probable in-built characteristic - CHECK IT OUT GUYS, if someone PRAISES you!!!!!!!!

OUTGOING PERSONALITY Always going out of the office
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS Able to bullshit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Spends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ALSO ACTIVE SOCIALLY Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER Won't make a decision
AGGRESSIVE Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT Lucky one
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED Must be Back Stabber
LOYAL Can't get a job anywhere else

Common Phrases in an office and its actual meaning 😉

1) For your information. (FYI) - - I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

2) For your action. (FYA)-- - I don't know what to do with this, so I'm passing this s**t to you.

3) Noted and returned. -- - I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it for a little while.

4) Review and comment. --- Do the dirty work so that I can forward it and sign off with my name.

5) Action please . -- - Get yourself involved. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

6) For your necessary action. --- It's your headache now. Woohoo!!!

7) CC to -- - Here's a share of the headache.

8 ) BCC to -- - I'm telling someone important that I'm working and sharing the headache with you.

9) For your approval, please. -- - Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

10) Action is being taken and will revert in due time. -- - I lost your correspondence and still trying to locate it. I'm busy! Bother me next week!!!

11) Please discuss. - - I don't know what this is all about. So please brief me.

12) For your immediate action. -- - Do it NOW! Or we'll all get into trouble!!!

13) Please reply soon. -- - Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient because of you!

14) I am investigating/ processing your request with the relevant departments. -- - They are causing the delay, not me! (Eyes open big big, innocent look)

15) Thanks & Regards. -- - Thanks for reading all this b***s*** .....

terrific jokes guys...suram..the office ones were real cool...and pretty much true... 😉

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

A boss is sat in the office one morning when one of his employees, who had a terrible history for taking time off, phones in:
"I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."
On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage: "well, just how sick are you exactly?"
"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"

Attending a convention, 3 psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right-now?"

They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiartrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Diane," he said, "The only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

A blonde girl walks into the Salon wearing a pair of headphones and asks for a haircut. The hair stylist looks and says, "You'll need to take off the headphones first."
"If I take them off I'll die." The girl replies.
For a while the stylist struggles around the headphones but it's no use. Again she asks the girl to remove the headphones.
"If I take them off I'll die." The blonde responds again.
The stylist continues trying to cut around the headphones but she's getting really frustrated by now. She decides to take the headphones off for her, gently so the girl doesn't notice. As soon as the headphones are removed the blonde girl drops to the floor and dies.
The stylist can't believe it. Amazed, he picks up the headphones and holds them up to his ears, and listens: "breath in....breath out....breath in...."

Good one Jas especially the blonde joke... 😆 😆

A man went on business to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his
kids.

He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying
inferior Goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen if this
does not work?'

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that
reads,

'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it
would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange
for another unit. When the shopkeeper refuse to give either, the man
points to the sign
assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China . We read from
the right To the left.'