At a Crossroad
"I'm afraid of loving you for the rest of my life but I am even more afraid of losing you for the rest of my life. "
~Anonymous
Inspired by the spoilers of the upcoming week i.e. - April 14 - 19 track.
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Under normal circumstances, given the day he has faced he ought a have been asleep the moment his head hit the pillow, but even at 4 in the morning with the most terrifying day of his life behind him he cannot sleep.
The thoughts the memories of the day don't abandon him.
Terror could be this real, this terrifying as well. He has learned that today.
And while at this moment, nothing should matter to him more than the comfort of having his daughter' head pillowed on his shoulder with her arms around him and the presence of his wife, spooning Ruhi, their daughter. Her hand near his heart just besides Ruhi' head - he is still not peaceful enough to sleep.
He watches them quietly - his wife and daughter- asleep besides him and it fills him with as much gratitude as much as it sends another jolt of awareness and panic coursing through his body. He realizes with a silent tear escaping from the corner of his eye that he should be thankful for this moment more than anything in his life.
Was it just two days back that he had felt he had lost everything owing to that auction that Ashok won?
Had it not been for his sore throat he would have never taken Ishita along with him. Her quick thinking saved him. He would have been going crazy with the mortification, the loss that the deal would have definitely bestowed upon him had he won it, just like Ashok is at the moment. In the end, all of it actually turned out to be good, something in his favor.
When the truth came out he learned how lucky it was that he lost that bid, he had cursed his stars for doing this to him, for Ishita and for having made her a part of his life, his wife.
Today, he realizes how horrible it was of him - to chide Ishita, to curse his stars. To wish that she were not here. For today made him realize what he could have lost if something had happened to her. Today if luck had not favored him, he would have lost a lot more than a job.
He cannot help remember the phone calls between Romi and him, the helpless moments of terror and panic that he lived. Each moment a memory, that will live on with him forever with perfect clarity until the end of his life.
The desperation with which he had searched for her upon learning she left for the hospital after all, the moment he saw that car burning - the red car that will forever be a reminder, a symbol of the most frightening scenario he had to witness in his life. A scenario he fears he will relive in his nightmares for all the days to come from now.
The absolute sense of numbness that had him on his knees; watching the flames emerge from the burning automobile. He shall never forget the experience.
The elation when moments later he learned she was safe, with his family and the others in the society premises conducting the emergency delivery.
It all comes back to him in a rush, over and over again.
He finds it absolutely weird that he should be able to live the terror in all its clarity but the moment from which he dashed off from the place wrecked and ruined after learning of her safety to reaching his home to the second he actually happened to arrive and find her before him are all a blur.
It is as if he is experiencing a restoration process with the before and after pictures.
He remembers the moments his world came crashing around him for that brief period of time and the moment it was restored to its equilibrium- once he had seen her; all smiles and tears, as she fed the newborn child the ceremonial honey, hugged and kissed their daughter, as she called out to him finally having noticed his presence.
As he also remembers the moments, he ended up blasting her for the carelessness of her behavior, for scaring him half to death, and for making him dread the possibility of having to inform Ruhi that her mother might be lost forever. As he also remembers breaking down and holding her in his arms uncaring of who was looking at them or hearing him profess how scared he was, that he had lost her while sobbing uncontrollably. How she hushed him, comforted him as if she were tending to a frightened child; by gently running her hands over his back, said the words that calmed him at last.
He has no idea of what took over him then, all he knows is he was never ever so terrified of anything in his life as he was of the possibility of losing her. He had said as much to her too at the time, with his face cradled in her neck as his tears landed on her skin.
He is not in love with her. He knows that. As clearly as he now knows, he is petrified of falling in love with her as he is of losing her.
He remembers it all with crystal clarity.
What he cannot remember is how he got there, just as one can witness the difference a restoration process made by comparing the pictures before them but not know or understand the process and the work that made it possible.
In a split second his life seems the way to him too - a before and after Ishita experience.
Prior to her, he never knew what made his daughter so happy, he never knew the way his heart would find that perfect moment of joy whenever his daughter hugged or kissed him.
He never knew making Ruhi smile is the most important thing in this world - not defeating Ashok, not humiliating Shagun, nothing compares to the happiness of his daughter.
Her declaration of love towards him with the simply uttered words - love you papa being infinitely more priceless, more precious than all the things put together in the world.
She made him realize what a joy it was to bask in the love of his daughter, how easy it was for him to let her in; all he had to do was open his arms to Ruhi, and it took her efforts for him to understand the simple truth.
It's as if she came along and filled in the colors that had faded from the canvas of his life, damaged and smudged by the events that left it ruined. He now sees things clearly because she has removed the grime that coated every inch of it. She is nurturing and healing all that he neglected, and all that he let rot with his carelessness. She is repairing the tears that made it hard for him to recognize things.
She is framing a picture he finds brand new and old at the same time.
He took it all for granted. He chided and hurt her, humiliated and taunted her and yet, yet she made his life, his world, his family better every single day.
Looking at her sleeping form makes it worse somehow. It is as if he was suddenly reliving every memory of his awful treatment of her, every humiliation, every taunt, and every wrong deed.
Caught in between the betrayals of the past and the call of future, he finds his present a complete mess.
He cannot continue hating the woman who keeps on making his life better bit by bit, though he never asked it of her. He cannot make himself love her, though she deserves so much more than he is capable off.
He cannot keep holding on to his hatred and anger that Shagun filled him with, with her betrayal that he directed at every woman outside his family.He does not know how to let go of it now. Anger and hatred forged his identity; not in parts but the whole of it. He does not know who and what he is without it now.
Unable to love, incapable of hate - he is lost about the nature of their relationship.
He could no longer bear to endure the torture any longer and so gently as he could he touched her hand and placed it over Ruhi as he gently turned to remove his arm from under his daughter' head, being careful to not wake either of them.
Raman Bhalla stood at the foot of his bed and looked upon the sleeping forms of his wife and daughter; cocooned in a loving hug and walked out of his bedroom, slowly shutting the door behind him.
He dint hear the footsteps that approached him as he sat on the sofa in the dark, nursing a drink to help him fight the demons and get some sleep.
It was only when he realized that the cushion sank did he notice his father was sitting next to him, watching him with the look parents have when they are trying to gain access into the working of their child' mind.
Not understanding how to begin he asked his father in a whisper is he feeling all right.
"I am beta, what about you? Why are you here at this time of the night? Is everything OK?"
"Yes papaji, I just couldn't fall asleep. That's all."
"Still thinking about the day?"
"No, no, no, nothing like that. I just couldn't sleep" he lied to his father.
"Raman, you are a father of two now, but you still can't lie to your father, remember that."
When his son failed to respond to that in any way Mr. Bhalla with the wisdom that age and parenthood grants, accessed the situation, and instead of walking away, as Raman had hoped he would do, stood his guard and did something so unexpected that it left him surprised.
"Do you remember when Jasmeet, your mausi got married Raman?"
"Huh?"
"I asked you, do you remember anything at all about your mausi Jasmeet' getting married? You were 10 at the time I remember."
Though he really could not get what his father was doing here, Raman mused it is perhaps, a deviation his father is creating. Something to help him distract his mind and decided to play along.
"Sure papa, not much though, but there are things I do remember. How we all went to Chandigarh, the horrible heat, the mosquito bites and of course who can forget Simi insisting she wants to get married too, right away." He laughed at the memory of his sister demanding to marry at the age of seven back then, thinking marriage meant new clothes, sweets and a trip to a beautiful location."
"Yes, that was some experience but do you know what I remember most about that time? "
He shook his head somehow falling under the charm of childhood memories and the allure and fascination of tales he remembered his father reading to him at nights as a child.
"Your mausi being the youngest of the family was of course the darling of everyone, but mostly your mother'. So when her marriage was fixed, the dates finalized, I remember your mother being the happiest. However, that happiness soon turned into a problem, when she realized that the dates of the events planned would clash with the last few dates of your final exams. She could not leave you and your brothers and sisters here and she did not want to miss the ceremonies either.
I remember her getting so dejected owing to that, so I thought of a way. I asked her to leave and attend all the functions, be there for her sister. I would take care of you three. Rinky was not an issue, she was the youngest so her exams were not a problem besides she could not stay without your mother for long as it is.
I remember your mother asking me repeatedly if I am sure. Being in two minds, whether to leave or stay back, make it to the wedding itself after your exams but I convinced her somehow. Said it is only a matter of four days, I would be on the first train with you kids the moment the exams end and be there to join her and Rinky. And so she left."
Nodding his head at the faint recollection of the days Raman smiled and said
"Yes, and I remember you almost burning the house down while making the parathas once. Not to mention burning your shirt, because Romi and Simi got into a fight while you were ironing it. I almost burned my hand lifting that iron off it too."
"Yes." Both father and son laughed at the memory of the day.
"And I had spanked both of them for it. I see you remember things puttar. Do you know what I remember the most? What was the most important part of this experience for me?
I learned to value your mother, all she did for this home and our family. Four days, four days I had told her as if they could be over in a matter of time and meant nothing and four days that taught me a lesson I will not forget in this life at all.
I did not realize, how important my wife, the mother of my children is; prior to this I did not see why she complained when she did nor did I understood her. All I thought was I had it hard, earning and spending an entire day slogging away for my family. She only had to cook, clean and look after you kids.
But those four days taught me how wrong I was, how I underestimated the importance of a woman who runs a household. You were always helpful, but because of your exams, I could not ask a thing of you and Romi, Simi were well... being Romi and Simi. Those four days scared me enough for a lifetime; I could not imagine ever wanting to do it alone. After that, I never allowed your mother to leave for days on end.
Puttar what you experienced today, was something similar to what I did all those years ago. You lived the fear of losing the mother of your child and your wife, your life partner. You have nothing to be embarrassed about in this. You realized how important Ishita is to you, this family, Ruhi."
He didn't want to have this conversation any longer he decided, he can't and so made a move to get up only to be stopped by his father' hand on his shoulder.
"Raman, I know you are scared beta, and I am not asking you to do things here that you are not ready for. All I ask is don't hold yourself back when you think you can."
"I am not scared papa and there is nothing to hold back on or lead into in my life at this point."
Hence, with the last word, Raman walked back to his room though sleep never claimed him while his father returned to his bed with a smile on his face. Only to have his wife cuddle up to him and ask in a hushed whisper,
"Do you think he is alright?"
"No, but he will be. "
"I am worried Bhallaji, so worried, about Raman."
"Toshiji, don't be. Not now, our son will be fine, he has Ishita now to take care of him."
"Do you think they will ever fall in love Bhallaji? I want to see Raman smile again, with all his heart - happy and carefree like he used to. I want our son to be happy"
"He will Toshiji, he will and they may not be in love, not yet but they are getting there. All we need is to be patient, things happen when they are meant to, and Raman will smile, our Raman will be happy Toshiji, he needs to just let Ishita help him."
"That's what scares me; he has managed to keep everyone out, so how will Ishita succeed?"
"But she already has Toshiji; she managed to do something we haven't seen Raman do in years - worry about someone. Care for someone. He has let her in; he just doesn't know it yet."
"Then when will he?"
"When it is too late to do anything but accept there is no keeping her out."
And so with a smile on their faces, the older couple greeted the day, content with the knowledge that they need not be worried about their eldest born, for he, he isn't alone anymore in his life.
