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||THE WALLFLOWER||
"Everyone thought that I had the makings of a fairytale heroine. They couldn't have been more mistaken; for quite to the contrary, I had all the charms of a classic old villain.
It is said that "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned; nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." I did love him once, I truly did. It wasn't the kind of love that set the soul free nor was it the kind that gave you the courage to burn into the fires of grief for a lifetime but it was love, nonetheless. At times, I do wonder what it would have been like to have him love me back; if not for a lifetime, for only a small fleeting moment. I do wonder how it would have been like to stand at the altar by his side, being the one who was meant to be. Three years have passed since then and today, I am really grateful that he didn't love me back the way I so dearly wanted him to. I would have found love but I would have lost myself. Today, I know that it wouldn't have been a wise deal to settle for.
It always had been a matter of choice, my choice, but I realised it too late. I allowed his choice to ruin me, to make me the demon I had always been scared of. All the while I thought that I was carving my own destiny but I couldn't have been farther away from the truth. Like a cold winter night I roamed, my own warmth refusing to serve as a refuge. It's a wonder how hatred consumes; born in the darkest corner of your very being, it grows. It claws its way through your soul, slowly but steadily and it continues to do so till the last fragment of your reason is engulfed in a storm of nothingness.
All I had ever wanted was acceptance; acceptance for who I really was and acceptance for who I could be. I wanted them to look at me the way I looked at myself. But they never did and that, I think, in the end caused me the most damage. Someone once told me that the ones who donned the black cloaks weren't always evil, nor were the ones in white saints always. I now know that he couldn't have been more right. I was always the victim; I just failed to find the right oppressor.
And then, there was she; an angel treading in a demon's world. She was the epitome of everything I ever wished I could be. She defined the word perfect in all its glory. I wanted to show her how it always felt to be the second choice, I wanted to show her how it felt to be scorned by the one you loved most, I wanted to show her how it felt to be betrayed by the one you called your sister and above all, I wanted to show her how exactly did it feel when your own life wasn't your own anymore. In my blind rage for vengeance, I destroyed the ones I once loved.
The world, unlike me, didn't deal in areas of black and white. Even when I was consumed in my own darkness, light found me. For the first time in twenty-four years, I felt entirely alone. There was no one to hold my hand and guide me in the right direction. I tumbled, not once but many a times. Even today, I bear the bruises of my own undoing. My scars stand proud in witness to the battle I have been through. I still have a long way to go but my journey has begun.
The storm inside me has subsided but the havoc it has wreaked is yet far from over. I am neither ashamed nor do I want to undo what I had once so naively done but I know that I should. Does that make me a better person?
I am Ragini Gadodia and this is not my story. It never has been."
Itti Si Khushi Sab TV
Bade Achhe Lagte Hain
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
