This is Me!!

For me, a surprising development was, Rudra bringing Paro to his room. Having checked out all the other options in detail, keeping safety and isolation in mind, Rudra still brings Paro to his sanctuary. This was his heaven, his hiding place, his zone and ignoring or avoiding the rest, he lets Paro in. She is a rank outsider, the enemy, a hostile stranger, and yet, he brings her home and gives her a glimpse of his past, shares a part of himself with her!! In a way, it felt like he was finally admitting someone in the shadows of his past...

Another striking feature..the way he covered up all the windows and doors. Yes, agreed that it had a total logical background, safety and all but still, to me it had some hidden depth. Symbolic, isn't it...how he won't let anyone peek into his world. No eyes can ever intrude in his domain. He wouldn't let anyone even look at what is his. It spoke volumes about his need for privacy, his closed door policy with one and all, as far as his life was concerned. It says a lot too about the future. Rudra will always be insecure in some corner of his heart and mind, and thus, will be extremely and unreasonably possessive, refusing even a breath of air, or a sliver of light to touch Paro. He could and would be a possessive, jealous, obsessive and suffocating lover. Paro has her task cut out, trying to make his love more nourishing and less stifling. She will belong to him, he will own her in a sense, and he won't let her go...even for a second. All doors and windows closed...forever.

A zillion thoughts running through his mind, yet he didn't forget to hand his Kaaki and Bhabhi sa some water to keep them going. And he wants us to believe he doesn't care...that he doesn't have a heart?

He literally hunted, rummaged, searched desperately to bring something worthwhile to her. In essence, he will want to bring the world to her. Whether she asks or not, Rudra will bring every happiness at her doorstep. As ruthless as he is, the inner child in him that thirsts for constant love and approval, gives him a very emotional core. He cares and cares deeply. He felt that what he brought for her was insufficient, not up to the mark. He was frustrated at some level, dissatisfied with his efforts, disappointed that what he could muster was not good enough for her. And the way he tried to cover that up with his apparent gruffness, his fake indifference was so typical Rudra.

He halts when he hears his name on her breath, an echo from the past?? Or an unrecognized wish fulfilled??

And how clued in was he to Paro's every expression. Just a swift change of emotions and he knew something was amiss. The way he checked himself out and tried to look more presentable to her, in a way broke my heart. He is so vulnerable, so needy, so desperate for her approval. He so desperately wants her to think good about him. His need to impress her was so child like. He hates, literally hates the sight of that mangalsutra, and what it means to her. How he wants to rip that reminder ... the wall.. between them! How he wants to let her know that he was not worth her loyalty..her tears but still remains helpless! It kills him when she begs for death, if only dying was so easy..little girl! Throughout their convo, the swift pain in his eyes, the understanding and sympathy for her plight, his pain at her agony, his anger at the fact that she blamed him, and sided with the wrong doers...and in the end his statement that one day she will have to agree that he did not kill any innocents but only betrayers...screamed for her understanding. He is furious, and yet re assures her that she will be safe and well protected and need not fear, even as he leaves her alone.

Every action and reaction today had ...This is Me...Rudra!!...written on it. What a beautiful way to unravel the various layers to a character!! What a subtle way to unwrap a gift called Rudra!!

The childish scrawl of his name "Rudra" on the wall just about broke my heart. It reminds us that he was once a carefree fun loving child. It reminds me at least of the the way children draw on walls, they have this innate sense of ownership and innocence . It's my house i can draw if i want to. He had all this ripped away from him when he left the house. In a sense i think he lost all sense of home when his mother left leaving him off kilter.

It's like his life is compartmentalized into three parts.

One where he was a happy child. He had a mother, a father who loved him and not a care in the world .

Second, the days where he had waited longing for his mother to return. Holding out hope that of course she'd return. She loved him.

Third, when that hope was thoughtlessly shattered by his kaki/masi. I think that the day he left the haveli, the kaki probably broke his father's heart too with her words, throwing both their worlds into a tailspin from which neither of them emerged unscathed.