Stardust #2: OS - Paradise pg 31 (21/01)

It's Gotta Be You

The ground hit her back, but the soft grass cushioned the fall, causing minimal pain. Riddhima however, still gasped, shutting her eyes, trying to figure out what on earth that heavy thing was on top of her!

"Please don't make it a guy.." the words kept running round her head, wondering how the hell she would apologize for crashing into him, and falling over. Weirdly, however, something felt so familiar, she couldn't fathom what it was, and just before she could open her eyes to make sense of the situation, a feathery light touch of someone's lips burned on her skin. That was what caused her eyes to fly open, knowing she could recognize that touch anywhere.

Her instincts were right. She met a pair of deep blue hues and immediately, her heart picked up speed, throbbing against her chest. The cool night air washed itself around them, engulfing every being in a vacuum where time stood still.

"Armaan..?" she questioned, more to herself, wondering if this was a dream. A dream which she had seen thousands of times, day and night, over the past two years. Sure enough, she could read all the guilt pouring out of his eyes, and as she kept willing herself to move out, get him off her, not be mesmerised by his charms, something very dominant locked her there and all she could do was continue staring at the handsome profile on top of her.

His dimples slowly appeared and deepened as he brought his hand forward to caress the smooth, tender skin on her slightly chubby cheeks. He saw her shut her eyes, already cast under his spell and his smile turned into a sad one as he remembered all he had put her through. And despite everything, he still had that effect on her. It was still there. It took him barely a moment to understand how madly she was still in love with him. Just as madly as he was, with her. Yes, he adored her so much, it was impossible to put in words.

"Basket.." he called out softly. Wow, it seemed like eons since he had used that name. And it felt like it only belonged to his lips. Like he had a right on her. But did he really? After what he had done? She responded that easily by opening her eyes. Immediately, flashes of her horrible experiences blinded her temporarily.

Armaan knew it was coming. He couldn't be given way that easily. So when she finally pushed him off with all the strength she could muster, he didn't complain. He didn't even will himself to say a word when she spared him a frightened, agony filled, and hateful look which just made him wish that somewhere along the line in his life, he had just disappeared, or better yet, died. At least that would have saved her the torture, humiliation, she had been put through all by herself.

"Basket listen." But she just ignored him and slowly backed away, finally turning. Should she run, or walk away? Seeing him have that same effect, had her had almost petrified. There was no way she was giving in to that. No! "Basket!"

His voice was getting nearer as she picked up pace.

"Block it out.." she kept thinking, but it penetrated through all the walls, all the invisible bonds she had created.

She could hear his footsteps, due to crunching of the grass in the park she had chosen to take a walk in. They were indeed drawing closer, and unless she started running, there was no way she was going to put a distance between them. Her heart was pumping blood furiously around her body as once more, she quickened her strides and lengthened them. However he caught up.

"Basket please will you'" but he could not finish, because she had reeled around the moment she felt his touch once again, gathered all the energy inside her and swung her hand around so that it came into direct contact with his cheek. The echo of the slap was consumed by the dead of the night, and when he finally got enough courage to look back at her, he saw her shattered form in front of him, begging him to free her off this torture she was going through. Her tears were ripping down her cheeks, and an echo of another slap ricocheted off the trees. Both his cheeks throbbing, he shut his eyes swallowing once. He deserved that. Heck he deserved more. And sure enough, he got them. Two more, one on each side. He just allowed her to take it all out, onto him, and finally, when she was drained of all the energy inside her, he looked up at her.

"Will you please listen to me now?"

Instead, she turned on her heel. However, before she could run away, he caught hold of her hand, turned her swiftly, imprisoning her in his cage, while her tears continued rolling down.

"Leave me alone!" she squirmed in his hold, but he wouldn't let go.

"I was stupid! Give me a chance to explain. Please!"

"What do you want to explain?" she nearly screamed, still trying to free herself.

"Enough Riddhima! Enough!" he commanded, giving her a little shake and her eyes widened as she froze momentarily. "Please, give me one chance to explain." He begged.

"No Armaan leave me alone!" she croaked, and her squirming resumed as she tried to get herself out of his grip by hitting him with her hardly mobile arms.

"I love you." He said it with such force, his eyes portraying this very truth that she automatically stopped trying to get out of his hold. "And I know I was wrong. I'm sorry for that." He finished off softly, as he loosened his hands and brought them around her waist. He pushed his head onto hers, his nose making contact with hers and she sniffed, unable to decipher what on earth she should do. He still had the very same effect on her, she hated to admit. He still had that control within her, that no matter how much she had tried, she couldn't let go. However, once more everything flashed in front of her, making her slowly back away.

"How easy is it for you to say those words and not mean them?" Her voice choked, as she continued back off. "My whole life was based around you.. and.." she couldn't complete her sentence and gave in to a sob, causing his vital organ to rip apart into pieces.

"I was a jerk. " He accused himself earnestly, but all she could do was tear her gaze away from his, and look back on the floor. "After I lost you, I went crazy looking for you everywhere. No message, no answer to any phone call. Nothing. It was awful not seeing you beside me every morning. It was even worse not seeing your face first thing when I woke up. I know I messed up. Just one chance, one more chance is all I'm asking for."

"After you lost me." She repeated monotonously. "We were together for five years! Five freaking years!" Her voice rose, then dropped. "Were you with her during the whole time?" His eyes widened in denial, but the realization struck just as suddenly telling him that he couldn't possibly do anything about it now.

"I'm sorry." He whispered in shame.

"So how long were you with her?" she questioned, swallowing down something which screamed at her that this question would not get them anywhere.

He didn't answer.

"Don't I deserve to know?" her quiet voice filled his ears, and felt his heart pick up pace as he wondered whether or not he should. But he couldn't refuse anything she wanted. Especially the truth which she deserved.

"A few months."

"I want a number Armaan." She still knew him. Too well.

"Listen, she doesn't mean anything remotely close to what you do! And she never did." He explained earnestly. "Please Riddhima, it's been two years! After you left I looked everywhere for you! It was torture, please believe me," the desperateness in his voice tugged her heart, but she forced her herself to stand strong and wait for his answer. Shutting her eyes she let more tears ooze out of them, unable to explain the clashing swords that were delving deeper and deeper inside the core of her being. It had been a good two years since she'd seen his face in front of her, and the wound he'd given her scorched open while raw blood seeped out of it.

"Around five months before you found out." His voice broke and her jaws clenched. Nevertheless, she forced them apart.

"Did you sleep with her?" No, she shouldn't be asking these things! It would just break her apart! And something inside her did shatter, when he just hung his head. 'I told you!' part of her screamed out. But she blocked it out as she continued staring at him numbly.

"But I broke everything with her. I swear. When you found out, that was what I was doing when you saw us."

She shut her eyes as the horrors came back to her. One text from her 'best' friend since high school, asking her to meet her at a certain restaurant triggered the whole thing. Else till now, she would probably still have been living a lie. And when she got to the destined place, she was more than astounded to see her long term boyfriend having a candle light dinner with none other than that very friend. So that was where he was when he told her he had an emergency at the hospital? That was what he was doing, when she had thought he was the most dedicated to-be-doctor she had known?

Now he mentioned it, he had look quite uncomfortable when she'd taken a first glance at him there, and even more so when she'd walked up to them with a bright smile on her face, her eyes portraying confusion. But that uncomfortable expression had turned to utmost horror when Natasha said,

"I think it's time she knows about us."

When she recalled, he had been acting aloof for the past couple of weeks, before that night. But that did not mean she was going to forgive him. No. She had made up her mind the moment she slipped out of the house, their house, before the sun could spread its warmth over something so cold, something that had suddenly become so lifeless. Her mind reverted back to the way she had barely cried, out of sheer shock, his guilty eyes haunting her endlessly, shouting out his betrayal. Instead, she'd just rushed back to their apartment, shut the door to the room with an ear shattering BANG. When his loud, urgent knocks, and his soft pleading voice came across the door, part of her wanted to open up to let him explain. But that was when she realized the effect he had on her and opened up her suitcase, afraid she might fall weak if she gave him time.

Finally, even before dawn had begun creeping up on the world, she'd unlocked the door softly, to see him asleep upright against the wall, in the most gruelling position she could have imagined. His eyes sprang open at the sound of the floor board creaking, and he rushed to her. She was leaving, he concluded from her bag.

"Bask.. Riddhima.." he whispered, feeling his eyes burn and sting.

"Save it.." she interrupted.

"Hear me out. Please don't go." He tried, knowing that it was useless. "I'm sorry. I'll do anything for you. Please don't leave me." He was getting nothing but deaf ears, and he knew that, because when Riddhima made up her mind, it took a lot for her to back on it.

Feeling tears threaten entrance, she glanced once more at the apartment she'd grown to love, left the extra keys on the coffee table, and walked out. It was the easiest and the hardest thing to do. But it had to be done. Armaan was frozen, to his spot as he watched her quietly make her way out, not even giving him a second glance. Why should she? He'd done an unforgivable deed. From that day onwards, he lived and breathed in the hope that he would one day see her again, wherever she was.

Armaan wiped a drop of water that fell down his cheeks, his heart screaming after seeing her condition when he came back to the present. He could see was still immersed in their memories, something she probably hadn't been able to wipe out just like him. Difference was, he cherished every moment between them, while she probably cursed them. Cursed him.

"Five months.." she echoed. Her eyes clouded up once more as she thought of Armaan's touch on her. Then the same touch on Natasha. Fury mixed with angst built up. "My so called best friend. Armaan I was eighteen when I fell for you. I gave you everything. What was I doing that was so wrong? I can't help but wonder sometimes, if there was some fault in something I was doing. Was it our small fights? Our bickering, that got to you? And if it was something then why didn't you just tell me? I saw a future with us. And it didn't even take you a moment to bring all my dreams crashing down. Was I too believing? Too nave?" she put in bitterly, knowing that the latter was true. She had been too nave! And to date, she cursed herself for that.

"Riddhima it was me. I was the wrong one. I was the one who took the wrong step. Don't blame yourself. Please."

"Whatever. There's nothing to talk about." She whispered and turned to leave, but once more he grabbed her hand, desperate to not let her go.

"We both know you still love me. And I love you. Just give me one chance. The last one. Please. If not for me, then for you. Help me erase this hurt you're going through. I can't see you like this. Please." He begged and she swung around, freeing her hand from his grip, fury back in her eyes.

"Yes, I still love you. And yes, I'm still hurt. But you know what Armaan?" she replied, her voice breaking, but her resolve to get her emotions out even stronger.. "Picture me sharing myself with another guy." Armaan face turned scandalized. "Not once, but for a continuous five months."

"Riddhima.." he whispered, knowing what she was getting at.

"Exactly. I can't Armaan. It hurts too much." She let tears rip down her cheeks, baring her emotions in front of him. There was nothing that stopped pictures of Armaan and Natasha flashing constantly in her mind, and when each time this happened, her fists clenched and she wanted to tear out these very images and burn them a fire which would make them non-existent! Alas, she could do nothing of that sort, except learn to live with it. "And you know what, even if I still love you, even if I still hurt for you, even if I manage to forgive you, I won't ever be able to forget what you did." She paused watching the effect of her harsh words on him, which were breaking every tiny living piece inside him. Good, he deserved that, she thought bitterly, remembering how she had spent weeks and weeks crying silently over, and missing him to what extent, she wouldn't know. "And I won't ever accept you in my life again, even if it kills me."

With these final words, she rushed back to her car, not daring to look back in case she broke down further in front of him. No, he didn't need to see it. She couldn't see him hurt. It still put her under torture to see him in pain. And if he needed it, there would be no one to rush to his aid faster than her. But one thing would never change, even if the whole Universe tried to make it. She would never accept him. She would never forgive him. She would never forget what he'd done. And the horrid truth sunk in faster than she could digest it. She might also never be able to move on.

Armaan wiped his tears, knowing he deserved each and every thing he was going through. She'd lost her smile, she lost her will to live, to love. But he'd do everything it takes, everything to get her back. To make her trust him. To make her move on. To make her never look back at the crime he committed. He would do anything to put a sparkling smile on her face that his actions had snatched away. Even if that meant she would move on with someone else. It was a huge task, and it could take a lot of time, years maybe. But if she wouldn't give up, neither would he. He would do whatever it takes, go through hell and back, swim through a thousand oceans, as long as she got her life back.

Broken Hearted Girl - Beyonce Knowles

You're everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could've been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You're the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I love to not forgive
And though you break my heart,

You're the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can't erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I'll be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you babe
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath without you babe
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don't want to love you in no kind of way

No no
I don't want a broken heart
And I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl,