Stardust #2: OS - Paradise pg 31 (21/01) - Page 17

Dear IJ,

I never thought I'd do this, but I need to get this out of my system. Because either way, no one's going to read this so it shouldn't make a difference. It's been there for too long, locked up, while I live my life, forgetting about it completely. Then suddenly because of you, it all comes crashing back down on me.

I've been told to forgive and forget. But from experience, it's only possible to forgive once you forget. How can I forget what happened when I was in year nine? I was a thirteen year old girl, naiive and stupid. And I never knew you were interested. I never thought anyone would stoop so low as to actually agree doing what you asked. And that's what my 'friend' did. I don't know if she was trying to gain popularity, I don't know if she was trying to get back at me for something, but she did it only because YOU asked. Maybe right now, you've grown up, you didn't mean to. But I was asked to forget and forgive, so I did! I kept it behind me. Nights and nights of sobbing into my pillow, hoping no one hears me, were thrown behind as I moved on. After all, I had changed. You had changed. We were different people now.

Have you ever hated yourself enough to want to kill yourself? Have you ever loathed every single moment of your life? Have you ever felt humiliated to the extent you can't face your own parents anymore without thinking of what's just occurred? Your father, whom you adore, whom you love? Your mum who's been there for you at every single step in your lfie? I lost my dignity the day I found out. I'd turned fourteen by then. I lost it all, and who could I tell? Who could I tell without feeling so ashamed of my own stupidness and naivety? So I locked it up, and let it out nearly every night through tears that no one could see.

But despite it, your behaviour showed you'd changed. Everything showed you'd changed. So I thought it was alright, after all, people do change. And that's when I gave you a second chance. I was never that interested, but you paid more attention to me. You singled me out. And naturally I fell for those charms. You had turned around completely. You were sweet, caring and secretive. I was fifteen then. And I started falling deeper. You were head boy, still fun to be around, taking up different responsibilities but being able to engage yourself in mischief easily. And I was head girl. I was the good girl, the teachers' pet. We made a great pair. Everyone loved us. And that's when I thought, yes, maybe it was meant to be. I knew if we ever got together, it wasn't going to be the forever type of thing. I'd seen too many relationships make and break in high school, forget middles school, to know enough. But I thought I could give us a chance. We could be something for some time, if not forever. And so instead of shutting myself out, I allowed myself to fall.

Big mistake. With hindsight, I see that I should have realized. I thought you were just not bold enough to make a move. So you kept dropping hints instead. I should have realized that you never meant to make a move. You were the first guy I'd ever fallen for and for that, you probably felt proud. Good girl gone bad huh? Because of you. Put it on your record. Well done.

This continued for a whole year until our high school ball where after a few issues between us, we ended up going together. I wasn't much of a dancer then, or too interested in the whole idea of the ball. But when it came down to you, I used to blush and do things I otherwise wouldn't have given a damn for. I changed myself, only to realize a few weeks later that it was all really pointless. You never bothered to call me, or text me after that. And somewhere I probably knew that you'd 'lost interest', but being the girl I was, I kept telling myself that it was probably just holidays you were caught up with. I remember being put on the same team for a small debate for induction week for our A levels. We won, despite a strong opposition, and I allowed myself to think that yes, we made a great pair together. Maybe things would work out differently in year twelve, where we had more time to get through it all. Summer holidays started properly and we never talked. I went away for a month and there was nothing between us. It upset me, but I kept consoling myself by thinking that things may be different in a few weeks' time.

How wrong could I get? You went back to your old behaviour. You sent mixed signals, but flirted with new girls in the class all the time. That left me so confused! On top of that, everyone was pressurizing me to date my best friend, R. The same best friend that right now I can't talk to because of what you've done! I kept thinking that you liked me once, how was it possible you lost interest so easily. So I concluded that I may have been a bore. Hence, I became more outgoing. I started going to parties, staying out till my parents would allow me to, dressing up, being more flirtatious with people. And I seemed to get many more guys on my trail, but funnily enough, you were never one of them.

I think the first real shock came to me was when I heard you were dating a girl two years younger and much taller than you. She was on and off with another guy, so I wondered how you could even think of going after her! Regardless, she agreed to go out with you. And I was left heartbroken when I saw you two together from time to time. I kept telling myself to be strong and continue. So I did. And I knew I was worth more than the attention, or lack of, that you gave me. And eventually, she cheated on you. I can't say I was sorry, but I did feel bad, because at the end of the day, I still cared for you.

Another classmate then told me how you mentioned my name as one of the girls you could rebound with. From that day onwards, I knew even if you came back to me, rebound or not, I would never fall for your charms again. I would never say yes. And part of me hoped you would. Selfishly, so that I could reject you and see the rejection that you gave me silently, turn around on you. Only this time, it was voiced. However, instead, you decided to pursue L, who at that point was one of my other closest friend. She had her own issues with Z, yet you still decided to go after her. And I knew you'd fallen for her now. But I also knew that she'd never fall for you that way. Again, you guys started dating. Only this time, I had no clue and upon her insistence, I kept trying to get her and Z together. Honestly had I known that you two were together I wouldn't have done anything! But when you broke up was when I found out you were dating. And the whole class blamed me. So obviously you would too. It was hard for me to deal with it. So instead, I started writing, which by then was a hobby I did for fun. Funnily enough, it was more cathartic than anything at the time. But it helped me realize how crazy I was. And pretty soon, it just became another story I enjoyed writing.

Regardless though, I hated seeing someone else to hurt you like that. And it felt awful seeing you in a depressed state because of me. That's why I extended a hand of friendship to you once more during our final weeks in year twelve. I had to put it all behind me. We gelled so well once again, just as friends, during the practice silver international expedition. It felt good just helping and encouraging each other, as though the past few years never happened.

So summer came around, and this time, I did change. I started wearing a scarf and doing things for my family. I stopped the parties, I stopped the outings, and lived life according to my family. And seriously, if anyone had a family like mine, they would do the same. I started to look for ways to please Mumma and Daddy again. Unfortunately, that was the year you decided to turn for the worse. You and M kept teasing me about my scarf. And the first week I expected it, but you guys kept going on about it for the whole year. You guys kept it up, and encouraged everyone till it became too much for me to handle! I mean, I was talking about this to some of friends back in the UK, and they don't do hijab, but they never found your jokes funny! They found it offensive. And for me to have to put it with it, even more so. But I did, because I'd grown up with you, I respected you that much. M, I hadn't grown up with, I couldn't care less about him. I guess partly it was also because you can never stop caring for the first person you fell for. Yeah, maybe. Maybe that's why I still put up with you. I kept being civil to you, despite your rude jokes that kept building, because at the end of the day, we were classmates. I never had much against you then either, it just hurt. It hurt to constantly put with all this, and it disgusted me to see how you became more of a drunkard, and kept losing it more. Where was the guy I used to have a crush on?

Anyways, so we finished high school, and come January, I knew I was going to start a new life elsewhere. So I wanted to throw out all the thorns, and start everything afresh. And guess what, it was the best thing I've ever done. I would not give away the past year for anything. It involved blocking you and the other 'friend' on my facebook list. But you know what, I haven't regretted that even once. Because I knew, the moment I see your name anywhere, I would never be able to leave the past completely behind. But guess what, you found out and bothered sending me a one line message which I ignored. Why should I dignify your message with a reply? I didn't want anything to do with you. And I still don't.

But this Christmas came, and miraculously I found myself coming home. I knew you'd be here, thanks to our mutual friends, but I blew it off. I know, small town, we were likely to meet. Yet I was positive that if I ever saw you in the city centre, I'd walk the other way and avoid you like plague. Plus, I couldn't put off visiting my family anymore just because of a small thing. It's funny considering I didn't even need to do anything of the sort. Because after all, our best friend thought himself God and gave you my number. I still haven't forgiven him for it, and I probably won't ever trust him when it comes to you again.

You randomly called me up, taking me by surprise. So I had no choice but to be frank with you and tell you that I didn't want anything to do with you. I wasn't prepared for a lie. If R was to give my number to you, I never thought it'd be so soon. And to be honest, I never thought you'd bother. But you did. And that touched me even though I'd made up my mind to not have anything to do with you. You didn't give up after that call. You sent a text, asking for a chance to make it up. And this touched me more. Even more so, my sister. But she didn't know what had happened in year nine. She didn't know I'd already given you a chance. She didn't know that I had built myself up again from that thirteen year old girl and given you a chance as a sixteen year old to prove that you won't break me again. But you did just that. So whenever I saw your texts and replies, I kept being reminded of that thirteen and sixteen year old constantly.

My replies of not wanting to see you were put in the most polite way, but my sister kept telling me I was being unnecessarily rude. That's when I unlocked all the doors inside me and told her the truth. I told her how I felt. I told her every single thing from year nine up to your behaviour in year thirteen. And after she heard it, she was speechless! She couldn't believe what you'd done. Now I was the one that was kind, because according to her, even replying to your text messages was decent. You were quite persistent that day, and kept begging me to meet you so we could talk it out. And your words did melt me slightly. I was, and still am I guess, stubborn. I don't give in easily. And especially not to people who deeply hurt me.

Plus, opening up to my sister like that opened wounds that had been concealed for a long time. Wounds that I had learnt to move on with. But when they opened up, I sort of went into a semi depressed state within myself. I had to act alright for my family, because I'm the one that constantly chatters, I'm the one that's continuously singing or prancing about the house. Going back to all that just broke me apart! Anything I did, anytime I smiled, it wasn't without remembering the horrific thing that you had put me through. By merely texting me, you took me back to the fourteen year old girl that was crying every night before she went to sleep. Thefourteen year old girl who couldn't face her parents because of you and her so called 'friend' at that time did. And we wonder where the saying 'with friend like these, enemies aren't needed' comes from.

Christmas day I felt so awful that I locked myself up in the bathroom and let the tears flow all over again. Despite promising myself not to. I knew I'd spent more than enough tears on you. I knew that you didn't deserve any of it. And I also knew that I was probably the most self-pitying person I'd seen and I loathed myself for that! I hated being that person! But you made me that!

And because of that, I blamed R for breaking my trust and giving you my number. I was tonnes better off without speaking to you. So when I made it final in my text that there was no way I'd meet you, you backed off. You said sorry, and for that, I respect you. Because at the end of the day, what's happened has happened and the only way it can be solved is when you realise what you did. And you did realise it, so even though I didn't reply to your last message, you're not the bad guy anymore. I respect you for respecting my decision to stay away from you. I respect you for being brave and coming to me, even though you didn't know what you would get. I respect you for not contacting me since, even though we saw each other at the tiny restaurant the other night. I only saw you when I was leaving with my family and thank God we never had any eye contact, so I'm not sure if you saw me there.

I'd just like to say that when I saw you, it was shocking, yes! But I also got to know that I wasn't ready to want anything to do with you. Even plain acquaintance. Maybe in the future, I might let it go, and who knows, we could become friends again. But if it's taken me a year to put everything behind me, and just talking to you brings back my worst memories, I don't think that future is near enough. So I basically want to say thank you. One for apologizing, though I probably would have been better off without it. Two, for helping break my trust in my best friend who has been there for me since year 10 (he told me you forced him to give you my number). And three, for helping me realise that you cannot ever break me down again. I won't let you. Simple as that. I might go back to being the thirteen year old, and the sixteen year old who you have hurt so much. But that feeling will never last. Because even if no one else has realised it, I've become a bigger person. I've learnt to put it behind me again and move on like you don't exist.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making you go back 'empty handed' as you put it. But right now, when I was forced to bring out everything and face my past, I didn't have anything to give you. So forgiveness and 'new memories' as you told me are far, far away. I'm sorry that every time I think of you, I remember all the pain you caused me and it feels almost impossible to forget now, but I'm getting there. And I'm also sorry, because I'm still the stubborn selfish bitch people call me. So though you've made some progress, you've still got a lot more to do if you really do want to gain my sympathy. I'm sorry because I'm not brave enough to forgive you this easily. And I'm not giving in easily this time. Before, I kept having to come to school and see everyone every day. Hence I kept ignoring everything. But now, I'm not going to listen to our 'friends' who keep telling me to make amends, as that's the right thing to do. It's my life, my choice, I won't be told what's supposed to be right. They haven't been through what I have, with one guy continuously. And some still don't know, yet pass judgements. So no. I'm old enough to make these decisions myself. No one else can influence my thoughts. If I let go, I let go completely. People included. And this was a decision I made a year back, that no one will change.

I'll just sign off now, I guess, wishing you a great holiday and the best in your life.

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You don't need to read or comment.. I'm just hurt and trying to let it all get out before I go through another phase of self pity and self hate..

Thanks 😊

Sanaa