From & To Sathish #7 - Page 58

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So bad they're good - why do we love terrible films?

Unnamed - 34 Anjali's story

The beauty of motherhood is not in reproduction but in inclusion – to experience another life as a part of yourself.

I heard his voice even through closed doors. . I heard and felt the pain in his voice in my soul even though the painkillers made me feel groggy and sleepy. Gently nudging Prakash, my husband who had dozed still sitting in the chair with his head by my side, I mouthed, ' Guna has arrived. Guna is here'.

Immediately, Prakash turned his face towards the door and hearing nothing, patted my hand and comforted me saying, ' I don't hear anything Anju. He will be here any moment, ma. He messaged me the moment he landed in Chennai.

Then hearing people talking softly in the corridor outside the room, Prakash rushed to the door, and opening it stepped out to see who were doing the talking.

Then he immediately rushed back to my side with an incredulous expression on his face, and looking down at me said, ' You were right. Guna and Saritha are here and are talking to Padma, but they are at the other end of the corridor. How did you...'

I looked at my husband and smiling with pride and love mouthed, ' I have told you million times that Guna and I share a bond that is special and unique to both of us. Our bond forged while he was inside our mothers womb and it became stronger after they died when he was just two years of age.'

Picking up a wet tissue, Prakash gently wiped my face and then placing an ice cube in my dried up mouth, proceeded to stare at me for a long time and seeing my eyes searching the door, joked, ' Okay madam. Now that your son is here, I guess I will not be required for the next couple of hours. I will leave you both to yourselves, but ' turning and pointing to the door, ' I will be outside. Call me if you need anything.'

Gently kissing my forehead and my eyes, he whispered, ' I love you, Anju. I fell in love the moment the very first time we came to your house to meet you and your parents. That love and respect doubled and trebled, that day, when you stood up for your parents and told them before your entire family that you would support them in your Mother's late pregnancy. If that was not brave enough, your decision not to have children of our own when your parents died leaving behind a two-year old Guna in your care bowled me over completely. That was the day, I became your slave. I remain that to this day and as long as there is life in my body.'

' Darling, all that was possible for me and by me because I had you by my side. It was you who made it all possible and it was because of your love and support that Guna is where he is today. You, my dear husband are the real source of all this that defines me.'

Unable to control himself, Prakash began to cry like a little boy, and raising my arms, I took him and gently rested him on my chest and whispered, ' In a way you too are my precious little one.'

The door opened and moving my head slightly, I saw Guna and he saw me. Wiping his eyes, Prakash mumbled, ' I will leave you alone now ' and after exchanging a quick hug with Guna, he left, closing the door behind him, with me and my little brother and son staring at one another.

There is so much that we can say when we open our mouths to speak, talk and share but you can do all that and more with one look.

I patted the bed and he came and after sitting down, looked at me and continued to look at me without saying anything.

Sometimes it is better to let certain emotions remain unspoken. But they are neither unnamed or unknowable.

Words can never do justice to emotions and one always is left thinking, ' I wanted to say more. I should have expressed myself in a more eloquent manner.'

Sorry, thoughts that are part of our essence and our soul can never be given perfect form or meaning through words for something is always lost in Translation.

I let him take both my hands in his and I watched as he kissed them and then I heard him say, ' Amma, will you at least now agree with me when I say, there is no God. There never was, and all that we call life and existence is just pure co-incidence. A series of trial and error that great minds call evolution and nature.'

' So much cynicism at such an young age. Baby, I wish I could be around to see what you will have to say when you are my age. Sadly, I will not be able to manage that...'

Holding my hands to his lips, Guna replied, ' I will say the same thing, Amma. More so, then, than now, for I would have lived out another twenty years without your love,and care.'

https://psyche.co/ideas/why-do-we-hesitate-to-talk-about-our-own-good-deeds

Why do we hesitate to talk about our own good deeds?

by Jerry Richardson, PhD candidate in social psychology

Disclosing acts of kindness could encourage even more altruism – if we can find a way around the awkwardness

When I handed $7 worth of groceries to a person who was asking for help outside a supermarket in Los Angeles, he beamed with appreciation. The look on his face warmed my heart. I felt amazing. Based on what we know about human behaviour, my reaction was not surprising. Social scientists have long documented the ‘warm glow’ of altruism, a good feeling that comes from doing a good deed. But later, at a dinner party – as I considered sharing with my friends what happened – I experienced a more complicated reaction. I felt a strange mix of the lingering joy of doing something kind, the anticipation of being praised for the act, and an icky feeling that I couldn’t quite name. In the end, concern about the icky feeling kept me quiet.

A similar emotional reaction prevented me from hitting ‘Post’ on a Facebook update about the positive encounter. It’s been years since that day, but the warm glow I felt from giving someone just $7 worth of groceries? That stuck around for about three months. I couldn’t help but wonder whether I would have felt as good had I told my friends or posted the story on social media, which I was strongly tempted to do.

After the emotional tug-of-war I experienced, I suspected that other people would recognise this conflict, too. Deep down, many of us would like others to know when we’ve helped a stranger, donated to a charity, or supported a friend who’s going through a difficult experience. But we sense that sharing the story ourselves would cost us something. As Oscar Wilde is credited with saying: ‘The nicest feeling in the world is to do a good deed anonymously – and have somebody find out.’ This line perfectly captures what my colleagues and I call ‘the do-gooder dilemma’: wanting your good deeds to be known, but not wanting to be the one who makes them known.

The issue is that making our altruistic behaviours more visible could have real benefits. Recent social psychology research suggests that, if people tell others about their own charitable giving online, it can make that kind of generosity seem like the norm, potentially sparking a chain reaction and boosting charitable donations. When people see others engaging in a behaviour, they are more likely to follow suit. This logic is sound. But based on my own complicated experience, I began to wonder if something was missing from our understanding of the psychology behind doing good deeds and the impulse (or hesitation) to share them.

When people do talk about their own good deeds, they are often judged negatively, research has shown, particularly if their announcements are public. Observers tend to assume that the person who did something good was acting out of selfishness all along – as if they had first calculated the reputational boost they would receive, commenced with the good act, and announced it in order to collect social credit. Self-promotion seems to ‘taint’ the goodness of the act, because by definition an altruistic act must involve behaviour that both benefits someone else and is costly to oneself. Self-benefit is not part of the equation.

But these findings are all about how people who disclose their good deeds are regarded by others. Past research has not explored how good-doers themselves feel about relating their acts of kindness to others. So my collaborators and I set out to learn whether people think that talking about these acts would leave them feeling better or worse – and why.

We know there are social norms against bragging about achievements, such as getting a job promotion or winning a race, and we wanted to test whether there is an even stronger tension related to self-reporting good deeds. We suspected that people would feel embarrassed to report their own achievements, due to modesty norms, but that talking about their own good deeds would make them anticipate feeling even worse. We randomly assigned research participants to recall either a personal achievement or a good deed they had done, and we asked them how positively (happy, proud) or negatively (ashamed, embarrassed) they felt about it. Then, we asked them to imagine how they would feel if they told a friend about it or posted about it on social media.

People seem to know that telling others about their good deeds can tarnish their emotional rewards

Compared with their feelings about the good deed itself, the participants expected that they would feel significantly worse – more shame and embarrassment along with less happiness and pride – after telling others about it, especially if they shared it on social media. And although they reported feeling similarly good about their achievements and their good deeds, they imagined that they would feel much worse when sharing a good deed than when sharing a personal achievement.

Interestingly, participants didn’t expect someone else who shared about their own good deed to have this negative response. They seemed to assume that another person would feel equally good whether they kept their deed private or not. We can’t say with certainty why they thought this, but we suspect it comes down to something simple: most people don’t vividly and specifically simulate what it’s like to be someone else. As a result, they often fail to ascribe to others the kinds of complex emotional experiences (such as ambivalence about sharing good deeds) that they know they would feel themselves.

Why, then, might self-reporting a good deed seem like it would feel worse than self-reporting an achievement? We asked our participants about this directly, and some common themes emerged. In line with what research on altruism suggests, to summarise their responses, they told us that, if you tell others about your good deed, people might assume you did it just to get credit, and that it contradicts the notion that good deeds should be done for their own sake. They believed that the moment you publicise your good deed, the act is no longer purely altruistic, which erases the good feeling you might have as a result. In short, people seem to know that telling others about their good deeds can tarnish their emotional rewards and lead to suspicion.

Of course, people do want to be viewed as morally good. Having others know that you do good things is a reputation booster; morally good people get more access to social partners, opportunities, and resources. But the anticipated emotional cost of self-disclosure creates a tension, encouraging people to limit how much they talk about their own morally good behaviours.

As I mentioned, research has shown that a lot of good can come from sharing. In fact, I feel relatively good about finally sharing the story of my own good deed, in part because it might encourage someone else to do something similar. Perhaps once enough time has gone by, people no longer feel as badly about self-reporting good deeds because the warm glow has passed. Or maybe it’s just that writing about good deeds in the context of an article provides a buffer. We need more research to know exactly when and why we don’t feel bad when we talk about our own good deeds.

However, another possible solution to the ‘do-gooder dilemma’ is to talk about the good deeds of others – and to let others talk about yours. Doing so might allow us to preserve the warm glow of altruism, avoid the awkwardness of self-promotion and suspicion about one’s motivations, and still encourage altruistic behaviour through social contagion. It could even offer an extra reward: the joy of celebrating someone else. Close friends and family, and sometimes coworkers, are well positioned to witness each other’s good deeds. But these deeds may go unnoticed and unacknowledged unless talking about other people’s kind acts becomes an established practice. If enough people in any given community or workplace pay more attention and describe the good deeds they witness (knowing that this in itself will probably feel good), then this kind of prosocial storytelling could become the norm.

If you run into that icky feeling, consider spotlighting someone else’s altruism instead

To put this into practice: a friend of mine recently organised a farewell dinner for a colleague who was starting a position elsewhere. She found a restaurant, scheduled a mutually good time, sent reminders, and gave a gracious toast to celebrate our departing colleague. She organised an event for someone else at significant personal cost. She probably wouldn’t tell you that she did so, but I feel good about sharing what she did. Here’s another example: my wife and I recently went on a four-day backpacking trip and, within an hour, the sole of her boot started coming off. A hiker who had just come down the mountain overheard our ordeal and said: ‘Why don’t you just take my boots?’ We were stunned. She said she had shoes in her car and was flying home the next day. The hiker might feel weird about telling others that she did this. But I enjoy sharing the story because it sheds light on the generosity of strangers – and might encourage others to be generous, too.

Do you think you’ll be more likely to highlight other people’s good deeds after hearing these stories, knowing that I felt good after sharing them? We plan to explore this sort of question in future research. Until then, if you feel the urge to share a story about your own good deed, but you run into that icky feeling, consider spotlighting someone else’s altruism instead. Those are likely to be good deeds you can feel good about sharing.

https://www.yahoo.com/health/your-body/oral-health/articles/dentists-reveal-time-brush-teeth-110000945.html

Dentists Reveal The Right Time To Brush Your Teeth In The Morning—And It’s Not When You Think

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/do_couples_with_similar_personalities_have_happier_relationships

Do Couples With Similar Personalities Have Happier Relationships? A new study suggests that when it comes to relationship happiness, your own personality matters more than your partner’s.

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Should we all be taking vitamin supplements?

https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-thrive-as-a-highly-sensitive-person-in-a-noisy-world

How to thrive as a highly sensitive person

In this noisy world, being highly sensitive is a challenge. But learn to manage overwhelm and you can reap the upsides too

by Jadzia Jagiellowicz, psychologist and founder of the Highly Sensitive Society

In 1997, the psychologists Elaine and Arthur Aron identified a group of people who displayed unusually high levels of sensory sensitivity. These individuals described being troubled by noise, smells and textures, such as the background din at restaurants, the smell of strong perfumes, or the feel of particular clothing, and so on. The Arons soon discovered that the sensitivity of these people extended beyond the senses to also include emotional sensitivity and complex inner lives. Based on these and similar findings, the Arons proposed the concept of highly sensitive persons (HSPs). Early research estimated that highly sensitive people make up between 15 and 25 per cent of the population, although more recently researchers have reported it may be as high as 31 per cent.

I work with highly sensitive people giving them advice to help them manage their differences and live well. If you have a hunch that you are a highly sensitive person, this Guide is for you – I’m going to help you better understand your sensitivity and show you ways you can thrive in spite of and because of your sensitive nature.

For a sense of what life can be like for a highly sensitive person, consider Emma’s experience at a neighbourhood gathering (Emma’s story is fictional but inspired by the real accounts of sensitive clients I have worked with). Not long after arriving at the gathering, she noticed her friend Maria, the host, seemed unusually quiet, her smile not reaching her eyes. While others chatted and enjoyed the evening, Emma gently approached Maria, who confided she was overwhelmed with work and hosting responsibilities. Emma’s empathy provided comfort, creating a meaningful connection. Later, Emma noticed the music was too loud, not only for herself but for several guests, and she discreetly asked Maria if it could be turned down, making the environment more enjoyable for everyone.

As a highly sensitive person, Emma’s heightened awareness of the world around her often enriched her relationships and surroundings. Friends valued her deep empathy and ability to articulate emotions they struggled to express. Emma also excelled in creative pursuits; her sensitivity allowed her to notice intricate details and draw inspiration from the beauty in life’s subtleties, such as the vivid hues of a sunset or the intricate melody of a song. Yet Emma also faced distinct and significant challenges in life – she was vulnerable to emotional exhaustion and certain stimulating environments, especially public places, left her feeling drained.

High sensitivity is a genetic and biological difference. Your sensitivity might not manifest in exactly the same way as Emma’s, but if you are a highly sensitive person, it’s very likely that you notice more of what is going on around you, and in greater detail, than is typical, and that you think more deeply about it. You are probably also more affected by your experiences, for good and bad, and have been since you were born.

Although being a highly sensitive person brings with it a constellation of traits and attributes that might help you better understand yourself and your experiences, it is not a mental health condition or neurodevelopmental diagnosis. Some of the traits associated with being an HSP, such as sensory sensitivity and emotional reactivity, overlap with the symptoms of various psychological diagnoses. To be diagnosed with a disorder, the symptoms must seriously interfere with your daily life for a certain amount of time. If you have any concerns about your mental health, please consult a professional.

Highly sensitive people think and feel differently

If you are like most highly sensitive people, you are probably detail-oriented in your personal and professional life. Your conscientiousness and exceptional attention to detail, as my colleagues and I have described, can be valuable in many professional settings. However, a highly valued trait can become a millstone, if it becomes too obsessive.

As a highly sensitive person, your ability to think deeply and to synthesise disparate pieces of information into a new concept probably also makes you more creative than most. A recent survey of nearly 300 adults found that people who scored highly on sensory sensitivity also rated more highly in creativity. The researchers David Bridges and Haline Schendan propose that this creative advantage can be traced to neural differences, specifically to greater activity in the neural networks that notice and pay attention to information coming in from the environment.

You also likely have an increased ability to notice others’ emotions, which can manifest as heightened empathy. Researchers have linked this with greater neural activity in the insula, a brain structure known to be involved in representing other people’s emotional states.

Being a highly sensitive person brings strengths and challenges

Being highly empathic and creative sounds like having a superpower. But being a highly sensitive person comes with distinct challenges too. Heightened empathy can lead to feelings of overwhelm in socially or emotionally charged situations. For example, research suggests that highly sensitive parents engage more empathically and creatively with their children, yet they enjoy parenting less due to the emotional intensity involved. Similarly, you may find you are more vulnerable to emotional exhaustion at work, especially as the demands of your job increase.

This Guide aims to help you thrive by learning to better manage your sensitivities and through being strategic in how you navigate stimulating environments and challenging social situations. In my work with highly sensitive people, I’ve seen that, with the right tools and approach, it is possible to take advantage of your unique way of thinking and feeling to craft a life that resonates with your values.

What to do

Understand and accept your high sensitivity

There are a number of questionnaires that can help you to better understand your own high sensitivity. One option is the latest version of the Arons’ Highly Sensitive Person Scale, which is free to download online. Another option is the Sensory Processing Sensitivity Questionnaire (SPS-Q) developed by Véronique M J De Gucht and her colleagues at Leiden University in the Netherlands, which is also freely available online and gives you a nice diagram of your scores. It breaks high sensitivity into six parts listed below and asks you to rate your agreement with various statements. Here are some examples for each of the six parts:

Emotional and physical reactivity: I am easily upset by changes in my life.

Sensitivity to subtle internal and external stimuli: I am sensitive to internal physical tension.

Sensory comfort: I can really enjoy a relaxing activity (agreement would indicate lower sensitivity).

Sensory discomfort: I find harsh sounds very annoying.

Social-affective sensitivity: Looking into someone’s eyes gives me a good idea whether or not someone is telling the truth.

Aesthetic sensitivity: I can be emotionally touched by music or art.

The visual profile you’ll receive also compares your total score against a group of more than 4,000 people from the general population, so you can see how sensitive you are compared with other people. High sensitivity exists along a spectrum – your own level might be not at all high, extremely high or anywhere in between.

The results of the SPS-Q can allow you to better understand your heightened sensory awareness and emotional reactivity. The statements in the questionnaire might prompt you to consider the ways the six factors shape your personal life and interactions with others. (Remember, as with all questionnaires developed for use as research tools, the results are for your information only, and not for formal diagnosis of any condition.)

If you found that you scored highly on the questionnaire, it doesn’t mean you are abnormal, rather you are wired to experience the world differently. Embracing your sensitivity and learning how to live with it can significantly enhance how you feel and help you lead a more fulfilling life. A quiet sense of self-confidence based on accepting who you are and where you stand makes others realise that they shall need to honour your boundaries.

Practise controlling your intense feelings and challenging your core beliefs

Before we get to managing your environment and talking to others about your sensitivity, a good place to start is learning to better manage the intensity of your thoughts and emotions. Your deep emotional engagement with the world can make you vulnerable to rumination – replaying events over and over in your mind. According to the neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett, emotions do not just happen to you. You actually create them based on your thoughts and beliefs about a situation. I have developed TRIE (Technique to Reduce the Intensity of Emotions), an HSP-specific programme, based on techniques from CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Using this programme you can shift your thoughts away from negative interpretations and focus on more constructive ways to respond.

Here’s a step-by-step guide, premised on a situation that led you to think negative thoughts, such as an argument with your partner or a friend flaking on plans:

First, think about a situation when you experienced strong negative feelings of anger or fear and what might have sparked them. Is it something someone said or did? What exact words, or exact behaviours of theirs made you feel the way you do?

Then describe your feelings of anger or fear. What thoughts went through your head? These first two steps force you to make your worries very specific so that you can then do something about them.

Talk back to your negative thoughts with more rational thoughts. For example, imagine that the ‘spark’ for your fear was worrying that your partner, who has been dissatisfied with your relationship, will want a divorce. You worry about this because a previous spouse surprised you by asking for a divorce out of the blue. You can talk back to your negative thoughts using a rational response such as ‘That was then, this is now,’ to distinguish between what happened in your previous marriage and this new relationship. Not everyone will react the way your ex did. It is likely that you and your new partner can find solutions to the relationship dissatisfaction. Try to apply this calm rationality to your own situation.

Another helpful way I’ve seen clients talk back is by saying to themselves: ‘Highly sensitive people are wired to react intensely. Reacting strongly does not mean that the situation is dangerous.’

Finally, praise yourself for using the rational thought. Your mind will associate thinking the rational thought with the pleasant emotions of being praised. In order to keep the pleasant emotions coming, it will remember to use the same rational thought in the future.

Over time, you might notice that you have the same angry or fearful thoughts in most of the uncomfortable situations you encounter. These recurring thoughts most likely reflect your personal ‘core beliefs’. Core beliefs are the most fundamental beliefs you hold about yourself, the world and others, which you formed early in life. As a highly sensitive person, you are especially predisposed to negative core beliefs, such as ‘I am too sensitive,’ ‘I am too easily overwhelmed,’ or ‘To be lovable, I must always agree.’ These beliefs can negatively affect your self-esteem and ability to cope.

You can train yourself to talk back to your negative core beliefs and improve your self-image. Let’s imagine you are feeling deeply hurt when a close friend forgets your birthday. First, follow the initial two steps described above, then continue as follows:

Ask yourself what core belief underlies your thoughts and feelings in this situation? In this case, your upset about your friend forgetting your birthday might be connected to your core belief that you are unlikeable.

Next, instead of talking back to your initial thought in this situation, talk back to your core belief instead. You can challenge your core belief and realise that forgetting your birthday wasn’t an intentional oversight. On reflection, you can realise that your friend has been going through a difficult time at work and simply got caught up in their own stress.

Praise yourself. As before, this will associate your more positive interpretation with the pleasure of being praised.

Practise mindfulness

Another way to manage overwhelming emotions is to practise mindfulness – paying full attention to the present moment without judgment. We hear a lot about mindfulness but it is especially beneficial for highly sensitive people. One way to practise mindfulness is to fully immerse yourself in something you very much enjoy doing and that requires your complete concentration, such as a game of squash, painting or reading. However, I recommend using a form of mindfulness that takes advantage of your attention to detail. Here’s one way:

Find a quiet spot in nature where you won’t be disturbed. Leave your phone at home or switch it off, and bring some fruit to eat. Plan to spend 45-60 minutes on your mindfulness practice. Many mindfulness practices are scheduled for shorter periods of time. However, since you as a highly sensitive person pay greater attention to incoming information, you need a longer time in order to focus on the details around you. Next, focus on each of the main senses separately:

Sight. What do you see in the distance? What do you see nearby? Many times, the reasons people are not able to be mindful is because they are getting distracted by too much stimulation. So stop to admire objects nearby instead of far away. Notice the shapes around you. How are the leaves arranged on their stems? What is the pattern of veins in the leaves? If you are observing in the winter, notice the patterns in the snow. Has it been formed into dunes by the wind?

Sound. Stay very still and listen. At first, you may hear just a wall of sound. After a while, you may be able to distinguish individual sounds. Is the sound loud or soft? Is it high or low? How often is it repeated? Is there a pattern to the sound? Is there a melody? Is there a purpose to the sound, for example, a squirrel scolding you when you pass through its territory?

Touch. Put your hand out and feel your surroundings. What does rock feel like? How is it different from earth? How do dry leaves crumble in your hand? Do they break apart all at once, or in stages? What do the seeds of the plants feel like? Smooth? Jagged? Do they have indentations? Attachments?

Taste. Take the fruit you brought and begin to chew it. Pay attention to how it feels as you bite into it – notice if it’s juicy, chewy or sticky. Observe the sweetness or any other flavours that emerge. Take your time to notice the changes in texture and flavours as you chew.

The aim of mindfulness exercises like this is to heighten your awareness of the present moment in a way that doesn’t involve making emotional judgments of yourself or anyone or anything else, and that doesn’t involve mind-wandering to ruminate about the past or worry about the future. The more you practise on your own in a quiet place, the more you will strengthen your ability to maintain this state of mind as you go about your everyday life, which will help you to better manage your sensitivity, eventually even in stressful situations.

Avoid overwhelm

Your surroundings – both the objects and the people you interact with every day, can affect you much more intensely than they would someone less sensitive.

One effective way to manage sensory overload is by identifying your daily overwhelm threshold – the point at which sensory input becomes too much. You can do this by using a technique that I developed and that I call an ‘overwhelm tracker’. The idea is to track your reactions to everyday stressful situations, each day for 14 days. You’ll need a journal to get started. Keep it with you through the day:

On the first day, note the date at the top of the page and then draw a vertical line to represent a thermometer. Keep your journal handy through the day.

When you experience your first stressful situation of the day, make a mark at the bottom of the thermometer. Beside it, describe the situation that caused the stress (such as ‘people at next table in café are talking loudly’), and describe your intense feelings.

When you experience a second stressful situation that day (such as ‘my partner criticised my driving’), make a mark higher on the thermometer. Describe the situation and note your intense feelings beside the mark.

Do this for each additional stressful situation (maybe another is a dog in the neighbourhood barking incessantly), until you reach a point where you experience distress so intense that it results in you behaving in an unhelpful way towards yourself or others – such as yelling at someone, saying something that you feel may jeopardise a valued personal or work relationship; or having your body shut down to the point where you could not do normal activities of daily living like make meals, shop or clean your home. This is your personal ‘individual overarousal threshold’ for that day.

Keep this up every day for two weeks and then review your journal. Looking back, you will notice how many stressful events you can usually handle before you ‘snap’. You will also come to see what types of events you consider stressful.

Now you can use this information to help plan your days going forward. Aim to avoid encountering the number and kind of events that would take you above your average individual overarousal threshold.

To avoid reaching this tipping point, you might find it helps to make changes to your environment. If you have a home office, consider investing in blinds or black-out curtains to control the light intensity. To manage noise levels, consider using earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones.

Nature and green spaces can be calming. If you need to go to a shared office, go outdoors on breaks and make the most of any available green space. Aim to walk to the office through green spaces such as parks and cemeteries. Try to schedule at least 30 minutes daily in a green space or interact with nature in some way. Even watching ants crawl along the concrete outside an office tower counts.

A peaceful home environment can also offer a retreat from overstimulation. Rearrange your home so that there is less crowding and more organisation. Make a list of things you like to look at, listen to, taste or feel, and incorporate them into your home. For example, if you love the feel of warmth and softness, work while wrapped in a soft blanket on a cold winter’s day. Take a warm bath when you feel stressed. Keep a cuddly small stuffie next to your computer and squeeze it when you’re getting close to your individual overarousal threshold. Keep your favourite hot chocolate or coffee beans on hand to give yourself a pleasant taste sensation. And, if it is not too arousing, have a favourite playlist on as background music while you work.

Explain your sensitivity to others

Highly sensitive people are a minority, so most of the folks you encounter in life won’t think or feel like you. They may be completely unaware of what you need in order to thrive. However, feeling accepted and understood by those around you will help you feel less stress, and enjoy more health and happiness. For this reason, it can be helpful to talk to those close to you about your sensitivity. Here are some tips for doing that constructively:

Introducing your high sensitivity to others. At an appropriate time (ideally when the other person is feeling calm and not busy), here are some facts you could share about yourself – of course feel free to tailor the wording to your own style: Around 15 to 30 per cent of people have a trait called high sensitivity. It is biological, and handed down genetically. I have this trait. I take in more details from my environment, and am better at combining those details with information I already know. Since my brain is processing all sorts of information, I can experience intense feelings and thoughts. This allows me to notice more details and be more empathic. It also means I react more intensely to incoming information, so that I can get emotionally overwhelmed more quickly than less-sensitive people.

Share a concrete example of an experience you’ve had. You will have your own experiences you can draw from, but here is an example of the kind of anecdote that might help the other person understand how you’re different: Imagine we are both introduced to a stranger at a networking event. You notice the name of his company and trendy clothes. I notice both those things, but also a pinky ring that indicates he is an engineer, and the brand of his shoes, which is popular in New York City. While you move on to further conversation, I am wondering whether he might be an engineer from NYC, and deciding whether it would be rude to ask. By now, the topic has changed and I don’t get to contribute. Five more people join us, and I am taking in details about them, as well as remembering the names of the songs being played, but the conversation topic changes again before I get to contribute. Fifteen minutes later, I’m frustrated, exhausted and feel left out.

Let’s return to Emma’s story one last time.

Driving home, Emma reflected on the evening. She felt grateful for her ability to connect and contribute. However, her sensitivity was a double-edged sword. Crowded events, like this gathering, quickly become overstimulating to her. The hum of conversations, bright lights and general bustle drained her energy. Emma also found herself deeply affected by criticism; remarks others might dismiss often lingered in her mind, leading to self-doubt.

She now acknowledged her need for solitude. The next morning, she recharged in her garden, surrounded by birdsong and nature’s calming beauty. Emma embraced her sensitivity as a gift, using it to deepen her connections, find creative inspiration, and bring small but meaningful changes to her environment.

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Boundary-setting for highly sensitive people

As mentioned, there is evidence that highly sensitive people are more empathic than is typical. Perhaps it’s for this reason that I’ve noticed my highly sensitive clients often seem to put others before themselves. Maybe you too find yourself eager to help other people. The risk is that less sensitive individuals may misinterpret your helpfulness as weakness, and take advantage. That’s why learning to set boundaries can be so important for highly sensitive people, as detailed in Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person’s Workbook (1999). One key part of this is learning to say ‘No’ when people make unreasonable demands of you.

Let’s imagine your spouse has made last-minute plans to meet a friend, and says he wants you to look after the children tomorrow night. However, you already made important plans for that same night – and you made them two weeks ago and he knows that. Your feelings of empathy for your spouse’s situation might make it difficult for you to advocate for yourself – but, in this context, it’s perfectly fair for you to convey your inability to shift your plans. Here’s a way to do it:

First, repeat the other person’s request in your own words. For example, in this case you might say: ‘You want me to look after the children tomorrow night because you want to meet an out-of-town friend.’ Then ask: ‘Have I understood you correctly?’ This is to ensure there is agreement about what’s being asked of you.

Next, show the other person that you understand their feelings about the situation: ‘I understand how you might really want to see your friend, since he lives far away and you rarely see him.’ This is to show that you understand their feelings.

Now begin to convey your predicament. Feel free to share that you do not feel comfortable saying ‘No’, but that there is a complication.

Explain your predicament making use of the word ‘need’. This might seem like a strong word to use. But less-sensitive people will see it as firm but not aggressive. Say something like: ‘I do not feel comfortable giving up my plans, which were made two weeks in advance. I need you to respect my right to take time for myself. I also need you to respect the fact that I informed you of my plans for Friday night at least two weeks ago in order to be assured they would not be tampered with.’

Repeat as necessary. You may have to repeat yourself, using the exact same words, many times before someone respects your boundary.

I recommend that you do not give an explanation for feeling the way you do. The reason is that the other person may use your explanation to try and persuade you to say ‘Yes.’ For example, do not say: ‘If I change plans, I will waste the cost of my tickets for the theatre.’ Your spouse may then respond: ‘I’ll give you the money for the tickets.’ The more explanations you give, the more reasons the other person can use to persuade you to do what they want.

Independence day

We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight. We're going to live on. We're going to survive. Today, we celebrate our independence day.

Twice a week, I walk the Marina beach stretch in anonymity provided by a new day that is still hanging on the darkness of the night. This time,

I was told a long time ago fell into Brahma Muhurta, a specific time period considered auspicious for spiritual and mental activities.

A long time ago, when I was still in school, maybe in my 3rd or 4th std, my aunt who had come to pick me up, screamed in shock and rage seeing the state of my white shirt that was more a muddy brown and a leafy green. Well, I got whacked as always but luckily and happily for me, it did nothing to me for I had been through worse whacking's before that. So it was like water off a ducks back or rather a buffalos back.

But, her screams and curses hurt more and sadly, one particular curse stuck with me for a long time. In her attempts to not curse using filthy words that shared technical parameters that included our family tree and my parents, she invoked a demonic name for me, " Brahma pisasu ".

I am sorry, but I am not a psycho for stating here that Brahma Pisasu is actually a title given to very few demons and to even fewer primates.

No Google those days, but with the help of Chandamama comics and Amar Chitra Katha, I got myself familiar with my title which is supposedly conferred upon evil things that even Gods flee from.... need I say more.

Such a powerful title for a such a little boy who loved climbing trees and played in mud.

So, when I was told about auspicious times concerning Brahma muhurtam, I smiled and thought, well, sat, You are either auspiciously inauspicious or inauspiciously auspicious or both at the same time.

The relative anonymity granted during my early dawn walk is lost on my way back to the car parked near the lighthouse for the sun makes visible all things invisible and anonymous, and so, after many smiles, a few sneers and snarls later,

I reach my car. But always, always, I stop at the statue of Mahatma Gandhi that started off as a black statue but has existed for most part in white, due to being constantly shat on by members of the Avian club.

I whisper to him, ' Boss, be happy that you get cleaned at least three times in a year on Republic day, Independence day and your Birthday. You should see the state of statues of other leaders around the city for they are literally drowning in crap.'

For the past year or so, the Marina is not what it was for Metro has invaded its space, and Gandhi now stands far away from the public, totally barricaded by metro walls and also his space in the skies is now diminished as it is dominated by towering cranes. But, Bapu is still an easy target for birds practicing their potty and bombing skills.

I am a dreamer and even small things set a course for dream time and so, when I stood staring at Crap covered Gandhi, I saw little movement below his metal backside and wondering what it was, raised my phone and zoomed in for my eyes don't zoom anymore. I tried but I ended squinting and that is a no no for an actor. Who wants an actor who is looking east but seeing west. Astigmatism will do that. Something to do with lens and cylinders.

Otha, the only cylinder I know of, is the red gas cylinder in my kitchen, and the two legged old man in the opposite building. Enough said about that and please, use your imagination.

Zooming in with my phone camera, I saw a crow perched on an object near Gandhi's right foot. WTF is that, a tree stump, a rock or some pedestal. No clue.

Sifting through the pics, I saw the crow was not alone for it had built a nest under Gandhi's back side and under the shade provided by the stony shawl or wrap that covered his upper body.

Regular two-piece costume. Dhoti for lower berth and shawl for upper berth. Even as a statue, he stood providing a safe haven for birds that at some point in time had relieved their load on his head or frail but strong shoulders.

Think back to the time when this old man in his two piece suit walked all over India preaching and practicing Ahimsa and Non-violence and in the end gathered the nation and got us independence.

I want to leave you with a scene from a sci-fi movie that released way back in 1996 and I am sharing this specific scene for a specific reason. If you have read this post and then if you watch the video clip, suffice to say that it will suffice all your queries concerning my thought for today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9t1IK_9apWs

https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2025/aug/11/sleep-nap-tips?utm_medium=email&utm_source=ten_tabs&utm_campaign=FIREFOX-EDITORIAL-TENTABS-2025_08_14&position=10&category=fascinating_stories&scheduled_corpus_item_id=12d4b82b-c5a0-4e1d-8085-c0dc1398eeea&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.theguardian.com%2Fwellness%2F2025%2Faug%2F11%2Fsleep-nap-tips

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