Member Topic: How many of you had an arranged marriage? - Page 19

It's interesting to read some positive experiences on arranged marriages here. Unfortunately the ones I see around me in my family have been the most unhappiest of all arranged marriages. Some of my maasis have had arranged marriages and after a point I've just seen them and my mausas turning into mere skeletons. No emotions, no love, no connection, just existing all these years due to societal pressure.

It's also very weird how I see some of the people in my friends circle who are in their mid 20's having the most liberal parents opting for arranged marriage because they don't know how to date. No surprises there but they are as unhappy as my maasi. One of them thankfully had a mutual divorce and are now much happier in their individual lives. Opting for arranged marriage just because you don't know how to date or don't have a gf/bf is the stupidest thing one can do. Please don't give into peer pressure and think life is only complete when you have a gf/bf and you're married. There's a life beyond that.

Originally posted by: Kamala05

Arranged marriage is like a lucky draw, those who are lucky will end up with nice partner ,others will have to make compromises to make the marriage work . Love marriage, in the worst cases love is there in the initial stage , there are good moments to cherish .

Unfortunately born in a conservative family with no history of love marriage so inorder to not disappoint parents agreed to arranged marriage though marriage wasn't my priority ever. But my dark skin colour didn't help and dark skin girl in a upper caste family is the worst case scenario. Everyone will comment that I am good looking and my features are really beautiful but when it comes to marriage market skin colour has a decisive role. So, after many proposal ended up with a guy who is less qualified and less sensible than me . Whenever I talked to him over phone , I had this gut feeling that he is not as good as he portrays Discussed it with my parents, but they were very sure that he is and his family is very good , after all until marriage they made frequent visits to my home just to meet me and my parents which made my parents think that he will be a good husband.

Long story short , he turns out to be a lier , who lied about his family visa, financial status , job and even about his family . My only demand before marrying a NRI guy was he should have family visa but this guy lied about it. Soon came to know that he took huge loan from bank to arrange second marriage for his sister and their eyes were on my ornaments , they thought that after marriage they can pressurise me and parents to settle his financial liabilities. I would have done everything ,after all was I used to believe that marriage is a life long relationship. But he and his family never treated me with respect. I was supposed to use different plates , glass and bathroom at home , wasn't allowed to enter kitchen and I was supposed to do all the cleanings . And this guy never posed a photo with me after marriage, never went out with him without his parents. Gradually realised that this marriage was to impress the outsiders and lure proposal for his sister's third marriage. He never spend a penny for me , on the other hand he demanded me to take share for everything I eat , drink and everytime I travel with his family. He demanded me to transfer my salary to his account . For three years I tolerated everything without disclosing it to parents because I was scared that if it ended up in divorce it will be difficult for my sister to get a good alliance but when it questioned my self respect I decided to end this . But before arriving to this decision there were many days I was in the doorstep of the train to end the life. But somehow got courage to live .

Now after years of suffering living a happy single life. My parents were not happy as this was the first divorce in my family , my relatives still gives free advice , many people still thinks that I could have adjusted but the new me learnt to live for me than for the society.

Though I tried to skip many personal awkward incidents I am aware that this is still personal experience but if there is anyone who suffers silently and makes unfair compromises through out the life for society ,I would like to let them know that there will be obstacles, judgements but eventually everything will fall in place. But before any marriage make sure that you are financially independent, it will help in facing many challenges.

Be strong, being independent gives more peace than a shitty relationship..

I seriously don't understand why parents and relatives are so against love marriage. From what I have undergone, the kind of alliances I was forced to consider, I don't think I would have fared any worse if I chose to find love on my own.. The pressure the extended family put on me was too much.

Saying no to an alliance was viewed as a capital offence in my family.. I had my own set of preferences as to the kind of partner I wanted.. But everyone was chanting compromise compromise when I had already compromised so much..

I am a fair complexioned woman, I was slim at the time of my wedding and reasonably good looking .. I come from a financially stable family, upper caste, South indian hindu family .. Engineering graduate with MBA.. But when I was just 22 years of age and pursuing studies , my extended family wanted me to consider diploma holders with no stable job and a crazy Conservative family..One crappy alliance after the other.. Sheer torture.. And my father wasn't against that..i was viewed as a murderer for saying no.. There were absolutely no redeeming factors in them.. It was plain that they didn't want me to get a good groom

Originally posted by: BinKuchKahe.

Such beautiful stories here. God bless all of you.

I wanna fall in love and maybe get married one day. But I doubt I'll be able to ever get married. I hope I can at least have a relationship once in my life. But then I don't know how that will work out..

I have a trauma and I'm kinda scared of men getting physically close to me.

Also my family is too emotionally dependent on me & will never want me to be away from them.

If you don't mind, how old are you?

I am not so open about my personal life but I guess I will give it a try here...

I had an arranged marriage and then divorce. Met the guy through my distant Aunt. He belonged to very educated family same like mine, well settled in his life. We had few meetings before going ahead with the decision. We got engaged and married within 3 months, I think this is where everything went wrong. I should have taken more time before saying "YES".

At our Honeymoon he kept his distance, I was fine with that cause I too required time but this went on for more days than expected. After returning from honeymoon, I got to know that my ex-husband was working out of Mumbai. Initially he told us that he has to occasionally visit the factory out of Mumbai. We let it go as they told us that he suddenly was posted to the factory outside Mumbai. So it was like I was in Mumbai and he in some other state. We hardly talked or interacted as he was always busy in something or other. He visited on Weekends only for his personal work or to meet his friends. I was limited to his family functions and be the D-I-L of the house. I tried every way to be his friend, so that we can have some causal conversations. I surprised him by visiting his factory place but he was annoyed as I was being unprofessional. I stopped pulling out these kind of stunts after that.

I was always career oriented and my family has always supported me in it. I had a job which had late sittings and all. Slowly his sisters and mother started spying on everything I did cause I was opinionated and had a life out of my home, so it was assumed that I must be having roving eyes too. I got to know from my subordinate that someone was checking with our receptionist what time I come & leave my office. My friends, cousins started receiving calls to confirm whether I was with them or not. I raised this with my father and he called my M-I-L to tell her to be in the limit and not cross the boundaries of civility as she too had daughters and she would not like if someone else do it to them. I was quite suffocated by then in this relationship but I wanted to give it a chance.

One fine day, my ex-husband called me and told me that we need to discuss when he is back to Mumbai. Once back, he told me that he was not happy with my way of conduct and dis respect towards his parents & sisters. The only thing I did was told them to respect my individuality, self respect and not doubt on my character. He told me that if I want the marriage to survive then I have to leave my job, my career, Mumbai and go and stay with him. I would be having limited interactions with my parents and no interaction with friends otherwise we should divorce. I walked out of that house to my Parents, told them the whole scenario. They spoke with my ex-husband but he was very adamant with his demands. My father told him clearly that my daughter won't live her life on someone's whims and fancies. My father asked me what I wanted, I told him Freedom. We applied for divorce and got the decree in a year. My parents were also pressurised by our distant relatives cause I have younger siblings so what will happen to them and mind you we come from quite affluent and educated family. So education and money don't change the regressive mindset. I am glad my Parents stood by me like pillar of strength, they believed in me. My sister, brother and younger cousins proudly supported my decision and so did my close friends.

After this incidence, I changed my job, got 2 promotions. Today, I am well settled in my career, I have my own house. I visit different countries every year for vacation, either with my Parents, friends or cousins. I am still looking forward to blissful married life whenever that happens. No regrets whatsoever...😃

Originally posted by: Ashi_Naksh

I am not so open about my personal life but I guess I will give it a try here...

I had an arranged marriage and then divorce. Met the guy through my distant Aunt. He belonged to very educated family same like mine, well settled in his life. We had few meetings before going ahead with the decision. We got engaged and married within 3 months, I think this is where everything went wrong. I should have taken more time before saying "YES".

At our Honeymoon he kept his distance, I was fine with that cause I too required time but this went on for more days than expected. After returning from honeymoon, I got to know that my ex-husband was working out of Mumbai. Initially he told us that he has to occasionally visit the factory out of Mumbai. We let it go as they told us that he suddenly was posted to the factory outside Mumbai. So it was like I was in Mumbai and he in some other state. We hardly talked or interacted as he was always busy in something or other. He visited on Weekends only for his personal work or to meet his friends. I was limited to his family functions and be the D-I-L of the house. I tried every way to be his friend, so that we can have some causal conversations. I surprised him by visiting his factory place but he was annoyed as I was being unprofessional. I stopped pulling out these kind of stunts after that.

I was always career oriented and my family has always supported me in it. I had a job which had late sittings and all. Slowly his sisters and mother started spying on everything I did cause I was opinionated and had a life out of my home, so it was assumed that I must be having roving eyes too. I got to know from my subordinate that someone was checking with our receptionist what time I come & leave my office. My friends, cousins started receiving calls to confirm whether I was with them or not. I raised this with my father and he called my M-I-L to tell her to be in the limit and not cross the boundaries of civility as she too had daughters and she would not like if someone else do it to them. I was quite suffocated by then in this relationship but I wanted to give it a chance.

One fine day, my ex-husband called me and told me that we need to discuss when he is back to Mumbai. Once back, he told me that he was not happy with my way of conduct and dis respect towards his parents & sisters. The only thing I did was told them to respect my individuality, self respect and not doubt on my character. He told me that if I want the marriage to survive then I have to leave my job, my career, Mumbai and go and stay with him. I would be having limited interactions with my parents and no interaction with friends otherwise we should divorce. I walked out of that house to my Parents, told them the whole scenario. They spoke with my ex-husband but he was very adamant with his demands. My father told him clearly that my daughter won't live her life on someone's whims and fancies. My father asked me what I wanted, I told him Freedom. We applied for divorce and got the decree in a year. My parents were also pressurised by our distant relatives cause I have younger siblings so what will happen to them and mind you we come from quite affluent and educated family. So education and money don't change the regressive mindset. I am glad my Parents stood by me like pillar of strength, they believed in me. My sister, brother and younger cousins proudly supported my decision and so did my close friends.

After this incidence, I changed my job, got 2 promotions. Today, I am well settled in my career, I have my own house. I visit different countries every year for vacation, either with my Parents, friends or cousins. I am still looking forward to blissful married life whenever that happens. No regrets whatsoever...😃

👍🏼. Good that your immediate family was nice... Your ex was a jerk. His mother and sisters crossed all limits of decency by spying on you by visiting your workplace and calling people you were in touch with..

Your ex husband's demands clearly showed that all he was interested in was to make you a slave.. He wanted to cut you off from your support system. The manipulative and controlling behaviour would have worsened if you didn't choose freedom..

But something I m really curious about knowing

One of my cousins was meeting a guy through matrimonial profile ,the guy in the very first meeting mentioned about his ex and how he always wanted to marry her but the families could not agree

Now I m all for the honesty but in this case I m really confused that what exactly was the motive

I mean is this thing said mostly to make the other person express his/her past

Or the person is trying to sabotage the talks about marriage i mean just looking for the ways to get out of it

Or he was really honest and I m reading too much into the lines .

My family set up meeting with a guy whom I have never seen. I was nervous and scared. Then we met at a restaurant. I felt an instant connection with him as soon as I saw him. We both said yes. Then we talked via phone and with each passing day I realized what gem of a person he is. We fell for each other. So it was an arranged meeting which culminated in to a love marriage.

Originally posted by: Veni-Vidi-Vici

👍🏼. Good that your immediate family was nice... Your ex was a jerk. His mother and sisters crossed all limits of decency by spying on you by visiting your workplace and calling people you were in touch with..

Your ex husband's demands clearly showed that all he was interested in was to make you a slave.. He wanted to cut you off from your support system. The manipulative and controlling behaviour would have worsened if you didn't choose freedom..

@Bold - Exactly because of this same reason I cannot completely believe Rhea in SSR case. I don't blame her cause there are yet no legal proof to vilify her for the same. People won't believe but I am actually neutral in this case cause I have seen and experienced myself, what happens when an attempt is made to block your support system as well as what happens when your husband's family don't agree to your life style.

Sorry for diverting from the topic of discussion.

Originally posted by: Kamala05

Arranged marriage is like a lucky draw, those who are lucky will end up with nice partner ,others will have to make compromises to make the marriage work . Love marriage, in the worst cases love is there in the initial stage , there are good moments to cherish .

Unfortunately born in a conservative family with no history of love marriage so inorder to not disappoint parents agreed to arranged marriage though marriage wasn't my priority ever. But my dark skin colour didn't help and dark skin girl in a upper caste family is the worst case scenario. Everyone will comment that I am good looking and my features are really beautiful but when it comes to marriage market skin colour has a decisive role. So, after many proposal ended up with a guy who is less qualified and less sensible than me . Whenever I talked to him over phone , I had this gut feeling that he is not as good as he portrays Discussed it with my parents, but they were very sure that he is and his family is very good , after all until marriage they made frequent visits to my home just to meet me and my parents which made my parents think that he will be a good husband.

Long story short , he turns out to be a lier , who lied about his family visa, financial status , job and even about his family . My only demand before marrying a NRI guy was he should have family visa but this guy lied about it. Soon came to know that he took huge loan from bank to arrange second marriage for his sister and their eyes were on my ornaments , they thought that after marriage they can pressurise me and parents to settle his financial liabilities. I would have done everything ,after all was I used to believe that marriage is a life long relationship. But he and his family never treated me with respect. I was supposed to use different plates , glass and bathroom at home , wasn't allowed to enter kitchen and I was supposed to do all the cleanings . And this guy never posed a photo with me after marriage, never went out with him without his parents. Gradually realised that this marriage was to impress the outsiders and lure proposal for his sister's third marriage. He never spend a penny for me , on the other hand he demanded me to take share for everything I eat , drink and everytime I travel with his family. He demanded me to transfer my salary to his account . For three years I tolerated everything without disclosing it to parents because I was scared that if it ended up in divorce it will be difficult for my sister to get a good alliance but when it questioned my self respect I decided to end this . But before arriving to this decision there were many days I was in the doorstep of the train to end the life. But somehow got courage to live .

Now after years of suffering living a happy single life. My parents were not happy as this was the first divorce in my family , my relatives still gives free advice , many people still thinks that I could have adjusted but the new me learnt to live for me than for the society.

Though I tried to skip many personal awkward incidents I am aware that this is still personal experience but if there is anyone who suffers silently and makes unfair compromises through out the life for society ,I would like to let them know that there will be obstacles, judgements but eventually everything will fall in place. But before any marriage make sure that you are financially independent, it will help in facing many challenges.

I am glad you chose yourself over everything in life 🤗

@Bold - I completely agree with you on this.

Originally posted by: Sharpener

I would suggest that you find a man who is your friend first and then a lover. I was sexually abused by my cousin for a long time and was scared of men till my mid 20s. I also had a very codependent relationship with my parents.

Then I decided it was enough and I deserve to live my life. I'm 32 and still live with my parents (they're more dumb than manipulative) but I found a wonderful man three years ago who was very respectful of my body and my boundaries (unlike my ex) and every physical moment with him is so beautiful and comforting. Intercourse is still difficult for me (physically) but emotionally its beautiful.

DO NOT trust every guy out there but also be open to trusting guys. Please do not waste your life, especially not for your parents. I made that mistake for a long time and regret it a lot. Your parents will die one day and you'll be left all alone so please start living your life. Take baby steps and you'll get there 🤗

THANK YOU for this.

I am not really looking for anyone. I don't think I've ever looked. Never had a crush even. I've always worked and gone home. Never really hung out with people at least in the past few years even though I'm very social and outgoing. I feel like I distance myself even before a guy approaches. I don't want to do it but I just end up doing it?

Also, I don't even know how to look? (As silly as it may sounds)

RE: my parents. As my friends moved on in life, I had no one but family to really turn to. And I'll be honest, I live for them. And they also live for me. Without me, my family would tear apart because I am the constant mediator between my parents, my brother & my parents etc.

They say they would love for me to get married, but the very next moment they're like they won't be able to live without me...

Currently, the first step I'm taking is to quit my job because my boss has been demeaning me and saying abusive words to me for the past 1.5 years and I have finally gathered the courage to quit for my sanity and for myself.

It sounds messy.. it is, but I'm pretty content and happy with my life.

I don't know what more to say..😆