Member Topic: How many of you had an arranged marriage? - Page 28

Originally posted by: Talis

Talk with them and tell them while you appreciate their enmity on your behalf what you really need is help with her. They need to care about what's being done to you now more than what's been done to you. Together you might be able to figure out how to arrange or pay for a caretaker for her - if not permanently right now at least on a couple days a week so you can live you life outside of your mother. You need to take care of yourself and think about your future.

We fortunately don't really have a money problem, so we had in fact a caretaker for her when she returned from the asylum but all her sweet-talking manipulation got to the caretaker as well and we realized that she skips her medicines after I saw some traits of her crazy behavior returning. So, I decided to take over completely in order to make sure she takes her meds. But, I totally get your point and it is something that I have thought about for the future. It's just been a year since she has been on medicines and the doctor has told us that if it's administered to her regularly then we can look to reducing the dose, so I am hoping that when we get to that position, I'll hire someone just for the medicine part as she doesn't need an all-time caretaker because with regular meds she is completely normal (except the manipulative and toxic streak which is just a part of her inherent personality) and she doesn't feel like we are jailing or confining her. I don't have any dreams and ambitions of my own anymore but I would like a breather as it was only when she went away to the asylum did I get some time to think and realize that what i thought was her concern and love for me was in reality emotional and mental abuse.

Thank you for the kind words ❤

Originally posted by: BinKuchKahe.

Dude our experiences are almost similar. My dad cut us off from the world while we were growing up & we didn’t really get to interact with others, esp my mum. Now it’s ok because with time, he’s changed and I also learnt to speak up & finally got him to realise what he did. So we’ve all started interacting more with the outside word in the past decade or so.

I also can’t leave my parents because I fear too much about what will happen to them. Recently they also spoke to me about marriage & I was scared. Same here.. marriage seems almost out of the question for me even though my parents tell me things like they’ll come live near me when I get married etc

Let’s not talk about marriage. Even a relationship seems out of question. I feel like all my life I’ve given so much that now I am tired. I hope someone can find me even though I know it doesn’t work like that? I feel like I’m not ready to take on another’s issues etc

Haven’t even gotten over the trauma of being inappropriately touched when I was young.

RE: my family - One day I don’t want to go out to lunch or dinner with the family and nobody else wants to go. If any of them are angry they or sad they need to speak to me. Previously there was taking care of my grandparents, bathing them, feeding them etc but they both passed away this year. Our family is even smaller now, with just my parents, my brother & I. Even he is not married & stays in his room, plays games & does his own thing.

Sending you a virtual hug. I know how tough it can be to deal with toxic and abusive parents. The worst part is that we don't even realize for the longest time that we are being emotionally abused because they are our parents and we are always made to believe that whatever they do, they do it from a place of love and concern. It took me my entire life to realize this and could do it only when she was forced to be away from me for a few months for the first time and the fact that even we hold some affection for them in our hearts ruins it further i believe. Despite everything that my mother has done, I find myself sometimes wishing that whatever she did happened due to her illness and not because she meant to do it because somewhere I do love her and it would break me if she did it because she hated me or something.

Even I just wait for better times to come to me because it's just too exhausting now to go out there, look for it, and start something new. It seems like I will have to put in a lot of energy that just isn't there in me anymore. Earlier I used to be restless seeing what my life was and used to put up a fight to change things but now I have accepted the way things are as like you said I feel too tired. All the pats that I get on my back from those around me of 'you're so strong. So young. So brave' make no difference to me because I never really asked for these titles. I never wished to prove my strength to anyone and was forced into this situation with no choice.

Have you seen a therapist to get over the childhood trauma of being touched inappropriately? I really think you should do it if you haven't. You already have a lot going on in your life so if you get rid of at least one problem then it will lessen the load for you. Also, therapy does help and I have personally experienced it. I went through it for some time and I didn't heal completely but it kind of did feel good. Sadly, I discontinued but I am considering taking it up again. You should consider it as well.

Originally posted by: guenhwyvar

I'll start with saying that your support towards your mother is admirable. AllThatCritique put is the best: "It takes a special type of courage" to take care of someone who has abused you.

But it's something I completely disagree with given your particular situation.

I, like presumably yourself, am a staunch supporter of family, preserving relationships, and making the best of things/seeing the best in people. But when it comes to narcissistic parents I don't think they deserve a second chance unless they can show significant remorse and an actual change in their behaviors. I was like you as well.

You, as a child or even as an adult, should not have been put into a position where your happiness was sucked away from you.

While I know nothing of your personal life beyond the details of this post and some later ones, I think we both agree that this isn't a likely possibility in the immediate, near, or distant future.

Please do not ruin your life to take care of a person who had no regard for your life. She is not your mother. She was never your mother. And she does not deserve to be treated or respected as a mother. Your priority is to pick up the broken pieces of your life shattered for no fault of your own, and try to put it together, for yourself. Distancing yourself from her is the first step. Therapy will be the second. Living life for yourself, finding true friends who support you through thick and thin, and creating the experiences and memories you want to create is the third. You deserve a life of your own, where you can take a deep breath and just smile. Not a fake smile. A genuine smile that brightens up the room and fills your heart with immense joy.

I will tell you that you will think of 1001 reasons why you will feel like you shouldn't leave your mother, why you need to take care of her, why you need to do be there for her, etc.. But there is only one reason I can think of that puts everything to shame - you have a right to be happy. Pursuit of happiness is one of the fundamental truths all beings are entitled to, and you certainly are no less of a being than myself.

Go out there and find yourself. Find the Flames that has been suffocating all this time and free her. It's going to be the worst battles you have ever faced, but I think with the combination of friends who support you (whether online or in life), therapy, and a passion to push forward, you'll be able to come out of this significantly better. If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.

**EXTRA**

This spot is just for some extra details that I wanted to discuss but didn't think it was appropriate to include above.

#Relatives

There is also something that bothered me while reading your posts, but I didn't include them above because I had no knowledge of it. This is based on nothing but speculation, so please don't be offended.

I read that your relatives hated your mother for what they did to you, but they tolerate her because of your living situation with her. Is this something they found out recently (when you tried reaching out for help) or did they know about it from the start?

#Taking Care of Your Mom

There are alternatives out there. AllThatCritique listed a few, but don't wait. Do it now or give that responsibility to someone else.

#Marriage

This is a marriage thread, so I should probably make a comment on marriage too to stay on topic. 😉 Do it. Find the person you want to be with - whether you meet him during your journeys or whether you fall in love with a proposal through some relative - because that's something you are allowed to do as well. You don't have to be prisoner ... don't treat yourself like one. 😊

- Shyam

(for the human touch, rather than some random stranger behind a UN guenhwyvar)

EDIT 1: added some skipped words.

Thank you thank you thank you so much for this! I really feel so overwhelmed and nice to see so many of you reaching out and being so understanding. I had stopped venting out but couldn't control myself when I saw Binkuchkahe's post that resembled my situation. I find very few who can relate or understand what it is to go through this, so thank you once again.

My relatives found out only after I reached out for help when my mother had her first schizophrenic attack early last year. I was very scared when she started acting crazy and used to not let me sleep at night (this was the first time I saw her like this. She was always a bit odd and manipulative on a criminal level but behaved normally all the time) so I reached out and told them everything. Earlier she used to not let me tell anyone anything by saying stuff like it's not safe, people are out to get us, she will be in trouble if I speak out and so on. I have been an adult for the past 6 years of my life and I know it sounds very laughable that I fell for all her tricks, but I truly believed and trusted every word of hers and did what she asked me to. She asked me to shut up, I did that. She asked me to cut off ties, I did it. From my childhood, I was always given a very luxurious life by her and now all of that seems like a lollipop to shut me up. It is crazy how I let all of that happen to me and only reached out when I felt scared for my life when she had that attack. After she got back from the asylum, my grandfather transferred all the finances and properties in my name so that her control over me ends at least financially. I obviously have a bit more freedom now compared to earlier, but now I feel so tired after everything that there is no excitement or happiness left to be experienced. When I go out with my friends and some guy compliments me, I feel like my ovaries have died or something because I don't feel any excitement or butterflies in my tummy type of a feeling (I used to feel it earlier). It's all so dry and bland. But, I am still somewhere holding out some hope that things will change and both of us get to live our lives peacefully without bothering each other. Right now all I want is some peace and a bit of normalcy which I have craved all my life.

Thank you so much again for reaching out Shyam. I really appreciate it ❤

A big thank you and the biggest hug to all those who reached out by taking out time and writing to me and being so understanding. I usually don't vent, but I couldn't stop when I saw BinkuchKahe's post. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I felt so nice to see so much goodness here 🤗

I hope all those struggling find their peace and happiness. Some absolutely lovely and heartbreaking stories on this thread. A massive hug to everyone ❤

Originally posted by: Sharpener

I would suggest that you find a man who is your friend first and then a lover. I was sexually abused by my cousin for a long time and was scared of men till my mid 20s. I also had a very codependent relationship with my parents.

Then I decided it was enough and I deserve to live my life. I'm 32 and still live with my parents (they're more dumb than manipulative) but I found a wonderful man three years ago who was very respectful of my body and my boundaries (unlike my ex) and every physical moment with him is so beautiful and comforting. Intercourse is still difficult for me (physically) but emotionally its beautiful.

DO NOT trust every guy out there but also be open to trusting guys. Please do not waste your life, especially not for your parents. I made that mistake for a long time and regret it a lot. Your parents will die one day and you'll be left all alone so please start living your life. Take baby steps and you'll get there 🤗

That sounded cruel and horrid - Sorry that you had to go through such an experience in life which no one should and glad to hear it all worked out for you! 🤗

I think many girls would relate to "molestation/sexual abuse" - I would say at least 70% of girls must have had some kinda negative experience with men while growing up! (-Not excluding boys at all, because they are just as prone, but girls in general are more at the receiving end)!

Ofc any kinda sexual abuse/advances are beyond horrible when you're only in your growing phase physically and mentally - Some may be able to suppress and move on while some struggle for eternity. It's a harsh reality some of us have to live with!

I also have had an incident during my teens by a random stranger while travelling, which still shudders me. Not even 1% of what you went through but it still leaves an impact!

I still deal with anxiety - And most of my adult life I have kept my distance from men. It would provoke anxiety which makes you want to stay in your space!

Like you baby steps and it's gotten better over time because end of the day only you can break the toxic cycle!

Tho my parents are the absolute backbone of mine - I also live with them and they are my go to emotional anchor in every possible means esp my mom - I actually count my blessings to have such strong family support! No regrets or guilt in this aspect of my life at all - I wouldn't call wasting my life on them at all! (-Ofc our family dynamics may be different but for me they are the absolute rock of my life)!

Originally posted by: BinKuchKahe.

WORD. 🤗🤗

Wish me luck.. hope i can find someone and do all those romantic things they do in dramas😆

Ofc Luck and all positive feels coming right at you! 🥳

I am sure you'll get there one day - Tho every equation takes efforts, you'll have to put in the efforts to see the results. Relationships need time to nurture too. You have to take the risk and jump the gun. And I am sure you will ONE day! 🤗

Just don't question your actual emotions - Trust them the most, they will be your anchor. Like I said your emotional connect with your parents or your brother is only for you to gauge. You know the best whether they are genuine or over demanding. Anything that makes you feel secure and comforted can never be wrong!

So with your gut and feels. They'll guide you through eventually!

New relationships and old relationships can very well be managed with right attitude and equally right person!

Good Luck B! :D

I lost interest in marriage after seeing someone close to me living in hateful loveless marriage for 14 years. It scared me for good