55
It was like there was a reason that she was searching for, a reason to not run away from him. She hadn't expected him to come and save her from the bar... and when he picked her up in his arms, she was shocked. It was only once he placed her on his lap in the taxi that she got an idea of what was happening, and by then she had already lost herself again in his love. He had been holding her so tightly, that she didn't have the heart in her to push him away.
She brought her hands up to his head and caressed his hair softly, as he whispered into her lap. His stubble was brushing against the soft skin of her leg, which was exposed because the dress she was wearing was very short.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, meaning it. "Randhir, I'm sorry."
He looked up at her with tears in his eyes before sitting up on the bed beside her and engulfing her in a tight hug again.
"I can't afford to lose you," he replied. "Please, please never leave me."
That was exactly what she was afraid of.
"If I go away, you will stop living?" she asked him softly.
"I can't survive without you," he whispered. "If you go away, how can I live?"
She rubbed his back affectionately and he pressed his face into her neck.
"I love you," he said, his voice muffling into her skin. "Don't ever do something like this again."
"Why did you come here Randhir?" she asked him softly. "Why?"
"I can't live without you... Vidhushi and I came here to find you. She - she's next door," he told her, and then broke the hug.
Sanyukta looked into his tear-filled eyes and her heart ached.
"Please don't do this Randhir," she begged. "You're making it hard for me."
"Why do you want to go so badly?" he asked her. "Why leave your comfortable life to be a bar dancer? Did someone say something to you?"
"What do I tell you Randhir?" she asked him painfully. "I am your criminal... Perhaps I was distracted from my purpose."
Her purpose had been Randhir and always him... and now this baby that was growing in her womb, was now in the way of her purpose. It was now in the way of her Randhir's happiness.
He caressed her cheek lovingly, before leaning forward and kissing her forehead.
"I love you," he whispered. "Please don't go again."
"I - I promise," she whispered in response, unable to fight her purpose anymore, "Now I won't go anywhere."
Then she closed the gap between their lips, and kissed him softly, finally making a decision. The decision was between her happiness and Randhir's. Earlier she had chosen her own... because she couldn't deal with the idea of losing her baby to save her own life... but by pursuing that she wouldn't only be losing her own life, she would be losing Randhir's as well.
If she aborted the child and underwent the treatment, then at least she would be able to save her own life, and in turn save Randhir's.
Each and every breath she took was for Randhir... and until the very last breath, she would leave everything she had, if it meant that he could live on.
56
As they kissed, Randhir learned what heaven meant. One of his hands reached up to the back of her head, holding her lovingly to him, as his other hand rested on her jaw.
He had been so afraid to lose her, but now that she was back in front of him, he would never let her go. He couldn't watch her leave in front of his very own eyes. She was his world, his life, and she meant everything to him.
Without Sanyukta, Randhir Singh Shekhawat was nothing but an empty shell.
Breaking the kiss, Sanyukta cupped his face lovingly.
"I am so sorry," she whispered again, her eyes filling with tears. "I promise you now Randhir, I won't go anywhere."
He kissed her lips again, savouring the feel of her soft lips against his.
"I will die," he murmured against her lips, "If you leave me, I will die."
"Don't say that," she whispered in response, "I will die if I have to, if it means that I can save you."
Randhir just kissed her deeply in response. He couldn't lose her, ever.
Their kisses then turned into more, when their clothes came off one by one and their bodies merged together. Even today, making love was blissful. Even today, they got lost in each other. Even today, it felt like the world's greatest feeling to be so close.
As they fell asleep together, holding hands, Sanyukta knew of one thing and one thing alone: tomorrow morning, she had to go to the clinic and undergo the abortion, so that she could get the tumor removed from her uterus.
If she was committing a sin, then she was willing to take all the karma for it... as long as it kept her Randhir happy. She could live in hell for the rest of her life, if it meant that he would live in heaven.
Sometimes, even if you try to win against destiny though, destiny is destiny, and what is written can never be changed. What is meant to be, will always happen, whether it happens in one way, or in another.
57
Sanyukta was sitting down on a bench outside the abortion clinic alone the next morning. She was giving herself a few moments before she went inside to have the abortion. Placing a hand on her belly, her eyes filled up with tears.
"I am sorry baby," she whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks, "I am sorry I am letting you go before you even see the light of this world."
She tried to take deep breaths, but she couldn't. It was hard to breathe when she knew that she was about lose a life that belonged to her. It was hard... very hard to go through with this, since she had already fallen in love with her baby.
"I want you to know that mommy loves you a lot, and daddy - daddy would love you so much too. He would give you all the happiness of the world, but baby, your daddy, he isn't as strong as you. I know you want your daddy to be okay, just like your mommy does. If something happens to your mommy, then your daddy won't be okay... you want him to be okay right? You're a strong baby right?" she whispered, as more tears filled her eyes. "I love you so much baby, but I am indebted to the love I have for your father. I have already written my breaths in his name... I am sure you will understand. I can't let anything happen to him. I vowed to protect him... and you are so strong, that I know you will be alright even without us."
Sanyukta wiped the tears that fell from her eyes and she stood up.
"I don't want to hurt you anymore baby. I love you... I love you so much," she whispered, and as her heart ached, she walked into the clinic.
As she waited, she kept her hand on her belly, knowing that there was a fetus growing in there, waiting to come into this world, and she was about to stop that natural process.
"I am so sorry," she whispered again.
Then her name was called, and she thought she would collapse on the way inside.
"Goodbye baby," she whispered as she lay on the operation table. "I know you are meant for a better life. Maybe one day I will also meet you. Until then, farewell."
The doctors then began the surgical procedure, and she closed her eyes, knowing that this would haunt her forever.
58
When Vidhushi woke up that morning, she got out of her room to have breakfast, but she saw Sanyukta leave from Randhir's room, which shocked her. She knew Randhir had gone to find her, and even expected that he'd bring her to the hotel, but she didn't expect Sanyukta to sneak out like that so early in the morning.
All she knew was that she couldn't let Sanyukta escape again.
So Vidhushi followed her, to see where she was going. She followed her all the way to a pregnancy clinic, which shocked her. Vidhushi watched from afar as Sanyukta held her tummy and started to cry. Was her friend pregnant? Why was she at the clinic? Was it to get a check up?
Vidhushi watched as Sanyukta went inside. After a little while, she went inside too and saw that she was in the abortion section. Vidhushi nearly gasped.
The first thing she did was call Randhir.
"Hello?" he said groggily, it was like he had just woken up.
"Sanyukta - Randhir Sanyukta!" Vidhushi said, still in shock.
"I know she's back," Randhir told her.
"No! Randhir she's at a freaking abortion clinic! Get here quickly!" she yelled into the phone.
"What?" Randhir yelled, and she knew he had gotten out of bed and was already running out the door. "Where are you?"
Viudhushi told him the address and she tried to go after Sanyukta who had already gone inside a room, but a nurse stopped her.
"Sorry miss, you aren't allowed in there," the nurse said.
"Look it's urgent," she told the nurse, "My friend doesn't know what she's doing. I need to speak with her!"
"She's already signed the forms and is an adult. She has consented to this. Please wait outside for her, we cannot disrupt the medical procedure," the nurse urged.
Vidhushi felt her eyes sting with tears - all of this was going on, and she hadn't known about it? Why couldn't Sanyukta at least confide in her?
Finally, Randhir arrived and he grabbed Vidhushi's shoulders, shaking her.
"Where is she?" he yelled.
"I - Inside," she whispered.
"You didn't stop her?" he asked.
"I - I couldn't," she replied, and Vidhushi, with tears streaming down her face, looked up and saw a zombie-like Sanyukta walk out of the room.
Randhir looked up and saw her before running to her and grabbing her shoulders.
"What did you do Sanyukta?" he gasped. "Why did you do it? Why didn't you tell me?"
Sanyukta just looked at him, her face expressionless, before she shrugged him off and continued to walk past him and Vidhushi.
Randhir and Vidhushi exchanged a glance and she indicated that she would leave. Randhir nodded and then ran after Sanyukta to grab her arm.
Sanyukta pulled her arm out of his grip and continued to walk, her face neutral.
"Don't you have a heart?" Randhir bellowed, once they got outside. "How could you just get rid of a baby like that? Was it so easy?"
Sanyukta then stopped in her tracks and turned around, unable to look him in the eye. How could he understand the turmoil she went through to take this step?
"Sanyukta I can't believe you did something like that. I didn't expect it from you...you didn't even tell me. Why? Did you think I would get angry? That I wouldn't want the baby?" he asked her.
She continued to look down, allowing him to yell at her. After all, she deserved this. She was ashamed of herself. She was still in shock to even react to what he was saying.
"How could you be so heartless?" he yelled, and he felt his own eyes get wet, "We could have given it a nice life... I don't understand you anymore! Is your love real or not? Maybe I was mistaken to think it was true."
Her body, her heart, her mind, everything ached, listening to his words.
But her soul, it was untouched. Her soul still loved him, and for the sake of her soul, she continued to listen to him.
59
From his perspective, he was completely right, and Sanyukta understood that. She hid this from him. The truth was that she didn't want to tell him and worry him. She wanted to quietly get rid of the cancer, so he wouldn't stress out over it... but as usual, destiny was not on her side.
She kept on looking down as he scolded her - he called her heartless. He accused her for not having feelings. How could she even explain to him that it was because she had such strong feelings that she took this step?
"I don't understand how you could take this step on your own," he told her, and she could tell that he was hurt.
She never wanted to hurt him.
Perhaps pain was written in his destiny and separation was written in hers.
"I'm sorry," she finally said with tears filling her eyes as she spoke for the first time after the operation. "I'm sorry Randhir."
"Why did you do it Sanyukta?" he asked her, his voice cracked.
He fell to his knees in front of her and placed his cheek over her belly, where their baby should have been.
Sanyukta felt her heart ache, seeing him like this.
"I - I -" she started, not sure what to tell him... she knew she couldn't tell him that she had cancer. It would hurt him far too much. "I just got scared."
Tears fell from Randhir's eyes and wet Sanyukta's dress. Sanyukta's lips trembled before she started to cry too.
How could she tell Randhir how horrible and disgusted she felt with herself right now? She just wanted him to hug her tightly and tell her that he was there. She needed him.
"Why did you hide this from me?" he whispered, and then stood up tall.
She reached up to wipe his tears, but he took a step back so she couldn't touch him.
"I didn't want you to worry," she whispered softly.
"Worry?" he asked her incredulously. "Sanyukta you think I would have worried? You don't know me at all then."
She held back a sob as more tears fell from her eyes.
"I'm sorry," she apologized again. "I truly didn't want to hurt you Randhir... it was so painful for me to do this... but I didn't have a choice."
"You did have a choice," he told her darkly. "But you were a coward. You didn't have the courage to go through with it. I've lost all respect for you."
Her heart shattered into an uncountable number of pieces. She knew he was just angry and he would cool down. She couldn't even blame him. She lied to him, she hid the truth from him...and she was still lying to him.
"Do you hate me?" she asked him painfully.
"I can't ever hate you," he spat to her, "But now the thought that I love you disgusts me. I can't even look at you."
He turned around from her.
"R - Randhir," she called out, "Are you going to - to leave me?"
"I don't know," he answered. "The thought of leaving you hurts, but the thought of being with you is too much."
Then he walked away from her and she fell to her knees, the ground hitting her hard. She started to sob uncontrollably, and clutched her stomach where her baby used to be.
"I - I am sorry," she choked through her tears.
She was apologizing to her lost baby, to her lost love, and to herself. She was apologizing to everyone she had hurt directly or indirectly.
She didn't know yet that sometime soon, her breaths were about to get cut short, when one incident would change her world forever.
60
Vidhushi watched this encounter between Randhir and Sanyukta from afar, because she feared that exactly this was going to happen. As soon as Randhir left, Vidhushi ran to her best friend and fell on her knees before engulfing Sanyukta in a tight hug.
Sanyukta didn't know what destiny was doing. First destiny itself pushed her down to the ground, caused her so much pain, and destiny itself was sending someone to hug her, to comfort her, to help get rid of her pains. Was this called compassion?
She cried and cried as Vidhushi held her tightly, until she didn't have it in her anymore to cry.
"I lost him," she sobbed, and Vidhushi rubbed her back soothingly. "I lost them both."
Randhir may be able to misunderstand Sanyukta, but there was no way that Vidhushi would. She knew her best friend since their college days. She knew how pure her heart was. Sanyukta would never undergo an abortion unless there was a reason for it.
"Why did you do it?" she finally asked, pulling herself away from Sanyukta.
Sanyukta looked at Vidhushi and her lips trembled again.
"I did it for him," she cried. "B - but I can't tell him that."
"Why? I'll tell him!" Vidhushi said seriously, "I'll tell him who you did it for... I'll tell him why you did it. He will understand. He has to!"
"Vidhushi please don't say anything. Maybe he's better off hating me. It's good if he doesn't think well of me, because it doesn't even look like he's the one in my destiny," she said, her voice cracked. "It doesn't look like we're meant to be."
"What nonsense. Destiny Sanyukta? Really?" Vidhushi snapped. "You make it work! Don't hide things from him and expect him to understand. Come with me!"
Then she grabbed Sanyukta's arm and pulled her up. Sanyukta was too startled to react. It was only when Vidhushi hailed a cab and took Sanyukta back to the hotel that her heart began to beat furiously.
"You are telling him why you did it. I don't know why you did it, but I will not be able to take it Sanyukta if you don't tell him. He deserves to know. He loves you like a fool!" Vidhushi said. "Look, I love you and you're my best friend... but if you're doing something to hurt him, then I won't even stand by and watch it."
Sanyukta looked at Vidhushi with surprise.
"Why?" she asked softly. "Do you have feelings for Randhir?"
"I feel bad for him," Vidhushi replied. "I hurt him so much before, and now he's going through the same thing except worse with you. He loves you so much, yet you're breaking his heart. I don't know why you're doing this to him Sanyukta, but Randhir does not deserve it."
Sanyukta smiled.
"You like him don't you?" she asked Vidhushi.
"Sanyukta I wouldn't like him even if I could," she replied. "I told you I feel bad for him. Now stop being so awkward! He's my ex."
"You do like him," Sanyukta replied, "And it's okay, he is so likable. I don't blame you... Vidhushi, if ever something happens to me, you will take care of him right?"
"What the hell Sanyukta?" she gasped. "What are you going on about? Stop spewing out nonsense."
"You will," Sanyukta said firmly, and then got out of the taxi cab and went into the hotel to find Randhir.
Vidhushi, after paying the cab driver, went upstairs with Sanyukta. Vidhushi knocked on the door. Sanyukta was beside the door, hidden.
Randhir opened the door, and Vidhushi saw that his eyes were red, like he was crying.
"Vidhushi," Randhir whispered, and tears fell from his eyes, as he engulfed her in a tight hug right there. "She hurt me Vidhushi... how could she hurt me?"
Sanyukta felt her heart ache as she witnessed the pain that Randhir felt... but her heart also felt warm, because she didn't trust her own destiny. One day, if something happened to her, at least she knew that he would have someone to take care of him.
"S - Sanyukta is here," Vidhushi whispered, and Randhir let go of her with shock.
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