I know I meant for this chapter to be the last one...but somehow I just kept on writing 🤪 and so there will be another chapter.😆😆
So anyway, this one contains extracts from Sakshi's diary - just thought I would mention that it contains extracts and not the entire entries..hope I have been able to do justice to it😕
Chapter 8 - The Diary
Arjun
"Here."
I look up to see Aisha standing in front of me, a box wrapped in white paper in her hand. I stare blankly at the box, wondering why on earth she would want to gift me something.
"It is not from me." She answers my question before I even ask it.
I still hesitate, wondering what is in the box.
"Arjun, I don't have all day. Take it or leave it." She says with a smirk. I don't like her attitude sometimes. She forgets who she is speaking to.
"It is not a bomb. Fine. It is from Sakshi." She now puts the box in front of me.
I immediately reach for it, eager to see what is inside. I pause for a moment when I remember her ignorance towards me for the last two days.
I put on a scruffy voice and ask, "What? She couldn't come herself?"
She crosses her arms and says, "No. She couldn't. Now please, take your time with the unwrapping. I am done with my role of a messenger."
With that, she walks away before I can utter another sentence. She really should change her attitude.
I resume my unwrapping again and a gasp escapes me when a black moleskin notebook falls into my hand. My hands begin to shake as I open the thick cover of the notebook and see her unruly scrawl upon the first page:
Arjun,
I know. It seems unbelievable doesn't it? Me? Writing?
To be honest, if you had shown this to me few months ago, I would have scoffed at you and said, you must be joking. I never deemed it possible. Writing seemed like an illusion in my world of darkness. I had hope, but it was so faint, you wouldn't even have noticed it.
And then you came into my life and somehow, that flame started to burn brighter and brighter as each day wore on. Somehow, your presence was the fuel to my flickering hope.
You became my memories, my moments and most of all, my window to the world.
And today, I want to share with you everything that was left unsaid. You were the reason I believed, I hoped. That one day, I will be able to write and that one day, you will be able to read what I wrote. Read about all the memories. Our memories.
Today, I want to gift you our memories.
Sakshi
I sit at my desk, staring at the page. My eyes aren't blinking, my hands aren't moving. Motionless. Then, I brush my fingers over the writing on the page. It seems unbelievable that she can write. A lot of questions come into my mind, but I put them aside and turn the first page. More of the blue ink, flowing across the page. It weaves itself into strings of words, sentences...pages. Pages full of memories.
I do not know what to think. My mind feels as if it has been wiped clean.
And then, I start reading.
June 23rd, 2011
A stranger? A friend? I don't know what to call him. He entered into my life like the sudden ray of sunshine after an eternity of darkness and asked, if he could be my eyes.
We didn't speak much. But I remember his reassuring touch on my shoulder as I stood, shaking in front of his car. He didn't know, he brought back painful memories of the accident I had had in my childhood. The shattering of the wind screen and my parents' last shout as the world blacked out for me. Forever.
He was a stranger and yet, he took me to the Marine drive. He was a stranger and yet, he stood by me as I recovered from the shock by the sea. He was a stranger and yet, he took me home in his car.
He was a stranger and yet, he asked to be my eyes.
I wonder what bond we might share. I wonder, if the stranger will even be back. I don't even know if I should call him a stranger.
I don't know why, but my heart wants to trust him. It believes that he will be back.
His name, is ACP Arjun Rawte.
June 25th 2011
He came back. I don't know why my heart leaped every time my doorbell rang yesterday. And every time I got disheartened when I realised, it wasn't him at my door. The stranger had disappeared.
And yet, today, he came striding in through my door and asked me if I had some tea in my flat. I shook my head and said, no, I don't drink tea. He muttered something and said he would be back. Minutes later, he returned again, thrust a packet into my hand and said, "You should keep it. I will be a frequent visitor."
I smiled and made him a cup of his cutting chai. The entire time I felt his gaze on me as I brewed the tea and poured it into a cup. He asked me in wonder, how do you do it? And I said, it is all about the habit. I have gotten used to my kitchen.
He then took me to sit by my kitchen window and started a description of the world outside. A living, breathing description. The colour of the sky, the buildings around me, the children playing in the street below and the busy roads of Mumbai.
It painted a distinct picture in my mind.
I realise, this is the most of the world I have seen since the accident. I don't know why, his voice gives me hope.
I pause for a moment, my fingers brushing over the blue ink that still looks so fresh on the white paper of the notebook. I feel her as I feel the ink. I feel her words that she has poured out to me, through the paper. It seems unreal that she learnt how to write and I didn't even have an inkling of what she was up to. I read on, through the pages, the words and her feelings.
July 7th 2011
I know the colours now. He has brought them back into my life. I don't know how, but he did it. He made me feel the colours. I felt yellow, as he brought my fingers closer to the flame of a burning candle. I felt its glow, the warmth it spread through my fingers as they wrapped around the flame. I felt green as he pushed a bunch of leaves into my hand. It felt smooth, soothing, like his voice. I felt blue as he dipped my hand into water and said, that's what blue is. When I asked him about red, he said, I would know one day. He said, red is to be felt when I fall in love. He said, it's the colour that changes you as you look at it. It plays with your heart. He laughed as he said that, and I wished I could see his face. Just once.
I didn't voice my wish aloud and yet, he brought my hand over his face, so my fingers brushed over his closed eyelids, his nose and ...his lips. I felt his face against my fingers and he said, now you know what I look like.
I wonder how he has begun to read my mind. Or perhaps, my face is like an open book.
July 31st 2011
We have started a strange Sunday routine. He says, life is too short to be spending our time following the same routine and walking through the same places. Life has to be full of new experiences. There are so many unfamiliar places in this world that are yet left to be explored and to be felt. So he took me away from Mumbai, to Lonavala. We stood there at the top of a hill, shouting at the top of our voices. When I heard out voices echoing through the hills, I smiled. I felt free, happy. I played with the damp blades of the grass as he told me about the hills around us, the shades of green, dark and light. He told me how vast and open the sky was, like an endless expanse of desires, hopes and dreams.
I sat there, listening to him and wondering how he became a part of my life, my desires, hopes and dreams.
I am immersed into her words and I don't even notice Rathod come in. I register what he says after he has repeated himself at least five times.
"What?" I look up, irritably.
"Rawte, I can see that you are obviously not working. So, do me a favour and go home."
"You have a problem if I stay at my desk?"
"Yeah I do. Go home."
"Well, I am not going." I want to get back into her diary, so I swivel my chair away from him and turn the page over.
I hear him sigh and retreat towards the door.
Before he leaves, he says, "Make sure you don't forget to eat. And I don't mean words."
I smile to myself and read on.
February 25th 2012
I have started depending upon him. His presence has become an addiction, something that I cannot live without. Or don't want to live without. I listen for the doorbell every day, waiting for that one doorbell which would open my window to the world again.
Today was one of those days when I felt the absence of my family. Sometimes I feel like I have gotten used to it. And then, I hear the people around me. The children laughing aloud, scurrying through my apartment's corridors and their worried mothers running after them. I smile when I hear the love in their voices as they chase after their children and yet, I feel a pang in my chest as I feel the absence of my family. Of someone who loved me.
I don't know why I called him. I don't know why he appeared on my doorstep and pulled me into his arms. I didn't utter a word as I felt his protective arms around me, providing me with a reassurance that I so badly needed. I didn't cry, just clung to him as if he were the only person left in this world.
He just fondled my hair and said, don't worry, I will never let you go. That he would always be there for me.
And that was all I needed.
Reassurance.
May 12th 2012
I think I may be falling for him. Not maybe... perhaps, I already have. There isn't a moment when I don't think about him. He comes into my dreams, his voice floating through to me in my sleep. Like the fluffy white clouds he tells me about. His name makes me smile. He makes me laugh, he understands me more than I understand myself. Something happens to me when he is around. His absence makes me feel empty. Nothing feels right. Is this what love feels like? I wonder.
I catch a glimpse of myself in the glass door of my office and notice the wide smile pasted on my face. I am glad no one is around in the office. It would have completely ruined my image.
It is quite late in the night. I realise, I haven't spoken to Sakshi or called her since I started reading her diary. I wonder what she is doing at the moment.
I know one thing. She won't be sleeping tonight. Not when her diary is in my hand.
January 12th 2013
It was perhaps one of those days for him. He was upset and I could feel it through the door as soon as the doorbell rang. He was shaking throughout, with anger. I listened to him as he stood at the door, his hands shaking against mine, muttering about a case that had disturbed him. It made me anxious to feel his anger, his hurt as he poured out the words like a hurricane. I don't know if he needed it, but I wrapped my arms around him. I wished he would let his pain drown into me and disappear forever. I held on to him like he always holds on to me.
He didn't go home that night. We just lay beside each other in my balcony, listening to some old songs playing on the radio.
I didn't let go of his hand the entire night.
October 23rd 2013
Will I ever get my vision back, I asked him today as we sat on the Marine drive in the evening. He just put his hand over mine and said, of course you will. I asked, how do you know? And he said, I know so, trust me.
Something tells me he knows something I don't. I trust him. My flame of hope still flickers because he keeps it protected from the wind. Even if I don't get my vision back, I know I wouldn't be missing out on anything. I already have seen enough of the world. Through him.
I feel as if I have travelled into the past. All those moments spent with her, all those feelings. I feel as if I am reliving every moment with her. And this time, I hear all the things she left unsaid. The things that her eyes once conveyed to me have now taken the form of words that are scribbled on paper.
As the night wears on, I read on.
January 14th 2014
The impossible has happened. My wish...our wish, is going to come true. It still seems too unreal to believe. Is it really possible for me to get my vision back? Will I finally be able to see him? Will I be able to see the face of the man I am in love with? Will I finally be able to see the love he has for me in his eyes? His eyes. My window to the world. I am too excited to write.
I have too many thoughts running through my mind at the moment. I feel happy and yet at the same time I am anxious. I am scared of what the future might bring. And yet, he believes that everything will turn out alright. His belief makes me stronger. But his love for me, makes me weak in the knees.
Love, is indeed a very strong feeling.
January 20th 2014
I can see. I can see him, his dark and deep eyes and the love they hold for me every time I look into them. Words seem futile as I look into his eyes. I let them speak.
I can see his dark ruffled hair, the slight stubble on his face that I feel every time I brush my fingers over his chin. I can see the lines that criss-cross across his palm. But mostly, I can see his smile. If I were to define happiness then and there, it would be his smile.
January 27th 2014
He showed me the colours today in a way I wouldn't have deemed possible even in the wildest of my dreams.
I saw green as we passed through the green gateway of trees that nature built on the road. I felt the sunshine, the shadows and I saw them all in his eyes.
I saw yellow, felt its warmth and glow in the mustard fields he took me to.
I saw orange as the sun settled down for the day, just against the sea, casting its orange glow all over the city.
And then, I saw red. For the first time, I felt the colour. The colour of love.
He was right, it does play with my heart. I wanted to tell him then, as I felt his fingers against mine in the garden of the red paper lanterns. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him. And yet, words failed me as he looked into my eyes. He says, sometimes things are to be felt and not said. I do know it in my heart that he loves me. But I do wish that someday he tells me whilst looking into my eyes, that he loves me. My heart so wants to hear it.
I pause again reading the last line over and over again. Things left unsaid. I feel a sudden urge to see her and to confess my love for her. I turn the page in anticipation, eager to know what else the diary might reveal to me. And on the last page, I find a note.
Arjun,
I cannot believe you read all that in one go. Talk about cheating at work! I bet Sameer will be mad at you. I do not know what is running through your mind right now. If I know you well, you are dying to see me, right?
Arjun, you know me better than I know myself. You believe in me when I have stopped believing in me. You read my mind even before I have thought about something. Today, I want to tell you how much I love you. Not like this. I want to look into your eyes and tell you how much I love you. Will you come?
I hope you will.
I will wait for you.
Always.
Sakshi
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Um, the next update will be late ish since I am going on a little holiday. I meant to finish it today but since it got so longgg...
I hope this hasnt bored you!
Do leave your comments if you had a read😳
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