*From To Sathish*-Sathish's new movie Info & Pics pg20! - Page 62

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so
God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "I will give you a companion and it will be a woman." He
said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will
always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them.

"She will not nag," God continued, "and will always be the first to admit
she was wrong. When you've had a disagreement, she will never have a
headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg!"

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

AND THE REST IS HISTORY.

God's Kids

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from
the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to
His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
The first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey, Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he
stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break
and he was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"
God, as our first parent, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that
Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there
is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly
tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't
be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what
made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

This is Heaven

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

ASHES TO ASHES AND DUST TO DUST


The blood that flows in your veins does not know what religion you belong to.The muscle and bones that make up your body are not bothered by where you pray or what you pray to.The fire that burns you to ashes and the species that turn you to what you came from and take you back to where you came from do not distinguish you from a muslim,christian,buddhist or a hindu.The food that you eat does not know where it goes to and yet gives the same energy to one and all that consume it.But your mind,your learnings,your tribal mentality are the ones that distinguish between color and religion.The fight for survival of one specific color and religion among one species is the cause for all chaos and problems.It is time to unlearn everything they have taught you.It is time to open your eyes,see and understand for yourself that all life is one.It is time to remove the cataracts of color,creed and religious beliefs and see really see that we are one.


Nearly 90 to 95 percent of all people from all religions believe in live and let live policy.But it is the rest of the scum who mislead us and misdirect us to their own misguided goals.I and you are not bothered about the fact that we come from different parents.None of us are bothered about the fact that we have different wives.We all are not bothered about the fact that out children are all different in looks and brains and yet we coexist.Then,why then do we fight over beliefs of the heart and over an invisible god which are ones own private and personal beliefs.


Today putting down other religion and other beliefs and tearing to shreds the old legends written in ancient times has become a fashion and time pass.The people who do this are ones who are taking baby steps towards god and his true religion and the baby steps they think they are taking is away from him.Learning from the sacred scriptures like the vedas,upanishads is good but spouting them word to word is licking the vomit of someone and you vomiting it back.I know it sounds sick but people who have found god all of a sudden forget that god has not found them and will never find them as long as they tear down other peoples beliefs and culture.Honestly a person who is seeking answers about the true meaning of existence will not shout about it from the rooftops or proclaim it for all and sundry.

My humble opinion is that the first step towards finding inner meaning and true purpose of this life is by seeking the lord and guru dakshinamurthy for what you seek is in his nature.silence,yes silence of all the senses is the biggest lesson the guru teaches and that is what i follow.You dont need a pimp or a broker to make love to your wife and why then would you need a broker or a pimp which classifies 99.9 percent of all gurus to reach god.
A real guru will not sit on a golden or a silver chair.A real guru will not have long names before or after his real name.a real guru will not travel in imported cars of own jets and helicopters.

The times we are living in is where you can spend 50 to 100 rs and pick up a section of veda or upanishad or thirukural.See how blessed we are for those are teachings that in ancient times people spent decades mastering it.The more we have the less happier we are.

To be continued

A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand;
the driver holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.
Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.
Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus..
A curious passenger asks the bus driver what the odd motions were all about

The driver explains
"The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents.
Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus
was going to pass the milk-farm, and I told her it was going to pass the
ball-park."

The passenger interjected
"Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she leftthe bus"
The driver continued "She replied 'Oh SHIT... I'm on the wrong bus

Insurance Claims

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words as possible.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought the window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

The indirect cause of the crash was the little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.

A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the enbankment.

In and attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to crash.

I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

To avoid hitting the bumper in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end..

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Universal and common rules that rule all indian roads

In a road accident, the one with the cheaper vehicle wins by default. If a BMW hits a rickshaw, it must be the fault of the rich brat most likely on cocaine.

It is perfectly acceptable to suddenly go across 3 lanes if you suddenly remember that you need to take a right turn. What else will you do?

Drunk driving is fine, as long as you have the connections.

If at an intersection you fail to move within a second of the light turning green, the person behind has the right to shoot you.

Backing down halfway from flyovers is acceptable.

. If going wrong side saves you anything more than 200m worth of distance, then it is allowed. Rickshaws are exempted from this limit.

No rules apply to motorbikes. Really. Overtake from any side. Drive on the road. On the pavement. Over people. It is all ok.

Cyclists must pray to their respective gods before leaving the home. No other way out.

When in doubt, use the horn. [Which truly must be the best human invention since the mobile phone.]

Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one's watching, and drive like noone's waiting back home.

Philanthropy

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditourium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide

"Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.

"Never heard of him, What did he write?"

"A cheque," replied the guide.

Hindu Dharma - Universal way of Life (English version of selected discourses by Maha Periyava).

Some ask me whether religious functions, puja, etc, are not "mere" rituals. Atmic awareness is an inward experience. As for rituals they are outward actions. The question is how rituals will help in experiencing the Self.

Rituals are indeed not necessary for one who has realised the Self. But we must put the question to ourselves whether we have truly realised It, whether we are mature enough for realisation, whether we have become inwardly pure. Were we honest we would admit that we are far from having become mature for awareness of the Self.

By taking many births, by performing many works and by the vasana of previous lives, we have concealed the bliss of knowing the Self. By conducting good rites, and by associating ourselves with noble objects, we have to banish the evil habits sticking to us from our past lives. Then there will be an end to karma itself and we will embark on Atmic inquiry. Until then we have to perform what are called "mere" rituals.

The proper thing for ordinary people is to conduct all the rites mentioned in the sastras. The benefits obtained from them may be seen in practice.

When a person takes care to go through the rites strictly in the manner prescribed in the canonical texts, he will gain one-pointedness of mind.

This should be of immense help to him in contemplating the Self later. And the desire to follow the sastras in all aspects of life will mean that he will be brought under a certain discipline. When we conduct rites according to the sastras our determination and will power will be strengthened. Since we subordinate our views to the injunctions of the scriptures, we will cultivate the qualities of humility and simplicity.

So what do we gain by performing "mere" rituals? We will acquire one pointedness of mind, discipline, non-attachment, will power, humility. On the whole it will help us to live a moral life. Without moral conduct there can never be Atmic inquiry and Atmic experience.

The Buddha did not prescribe any Vedic rites. But he too laid stress on morality and discipline. The Pancasila that Nehru often spoke about is of the utmost importance to the Buddhists. The Buddha points to the value of morality without the performance of Vedic rites.

What about the Purvamimamsakas? They believe that Vedic rites are of the utmost importance and that is no need to worry about God. In our sanatana dharma, however, there is a weaving together of rites, the good conduct and discipline arising out of them, devotion to Isvara and finally knowledge of the Self.

Morality does not arise by itself. If you want milk you must keep a cow. If you keep a cow you will get not only milk but also cow dung. Then there will come up a haystack. When you keep the cow called karma you will not only derive not only morality and good conduct from it but also something that you feel is not wanted, that is cow dung.

When you keep a cow must keep the place free from cow dung - that is a part of common sense or wisdom. It is in this manner that you must obtain the real benefits from religious rites.

If rituals are not necessary for true Atmic knowledge, even the murti called Isvara is not necessary for the same. But we can dispense with rituals and Isvara only when we reach a high plane of knowledge. At first Isvara is very much necessary for our inward journey and there are so many reasons for it. I will tell you one. We need an entity that exemplifies all that is good.

Have we not for ages together thought of Isvara as such a one, one who represents all virtues and all auspicious qualities. When we mention the word "Isvara" we at once think of him as one without any evil. If anything or anyone combines beauty, compassion, power and enlightenment to the full it must be Isvara. It is a psychological principle that we become that which we keep thinking of. By meditating on Isvara's manifold auspicious qualities our own undesirable qualities will give place to good ones.

There are many benefits that flow from rituals, puja, etc. One of them is that they help to make us good. They are also of value in taking us to the path of workless yoga and the inward quest.

The Spoon

(A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.)

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of your you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."